Mi Madre

Happy Birthday to my wonderful and amazing mother!! I love her so much!!!

Oh ...and not do detract but as more of a side note... Today is also day one of my Spanish tutorial ...go me :)

525,600 Minutes

This post may seem slightly at an odd time of year since the nearest upcoming holiday is Christmas. But we all know how I feel about doing things in order ...it drives me nuts if things aren't in chronological order :) But ...it's where my mind is now. I'm watching RENT. One of the best productions in history. Words can't describe the magic and the mood of the first time I saw RENT on Broadway in New York City. It was a spur of the moment thing, on a recommendation from my favorite resident rent-head Jill. My friend Danielle was visiting me in NYC. We had a couple hours of time unplanned to wander the streets of my favorite place on earth. I had talked to Jill earlier in the day and she informed me that Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were in town reprising their original cast roles for the week. She pleaded with me to go in her honor since she couldn't make it out. I hadn't seen it before, but I know how passionate she is about it, and Danielle and I were able to score $20 second row seats for that night's performance so we decided to give it a go. It was literally one of the defining moments in my life. I sat through the entire production moved beyond words, beyond tears. The stream of powerful emotion roaring through me. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I felt lost, and I felt purpose. And I felt myself beginning to emerge anew. I began to discover who I really was. Again. Out on my own. As an adult living in the greatest city in the world. As a nurse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister.

From that moment I began to live my life for me. In baby steps. Since then I have accomplished countless goals that I'm proud of, and set many more. I've become an amazing well rounded person who loves without holding back and who notices and takes stock in the small things. I say this not to boast of myself, but because I have made it a point to celebrate the good things I do. I think we should all celebrate more of our accomplishments and the root that they all come from. And I think it's ok to say that I think I'm turning into an amazing person. I'm not there yet, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. And I like myself. In the years since that fateful Broadway night I've learned to love myself. I've hated myself, I've been lost and confused and hurt. I've fallen in love and picked myself back up. The good always out weighs the bad.

So now as I'm watching the movie RENT (not the same as seeing it live, but an acceptable substitute because of the memories it evokes) I'm asking myself how I've spent the last 525,600 minutes of my life. Can it be measured in miles driven? Trips to Starbucks? Hours at work? Lives saved? New journeys? In truths learned? Tears cried? Bridges burned? Friends made? Sleep lost? Life should be measured in love. All four seasons. Seasons of love laughter life and learning. As compared to previous years, it seems I didn't really do much of anything this year. I remember at the start of the year I made it a point to be more selfish and do more me. Well, I went on with my life and plodded on along like normal. Looking back I was kind of a shell and a puppet. It was on a trip to North Carolina in the late summer that I realized my misstep. I was deep in conversation with a soul-sister of mine, Serena, when she essentially hit me over the head with a hammer. We were discussing our lives and how they were so different than we had ever planned, and we didn't know how we ended up where we were. We discussed living and loving and evolving, and she said to me, "Toni, I just feel like you've lost who you are. I feel like you don't know who YOU really are anymore."

She was right. It turns out when you make a goal to focus on yourself you have to do more than just say you're going to do it. You can't say you're going to make a change then carry on with life as if nothing is different. I may not have done things this year like I have in past years. I haven't learned a new language like I wanted, or gone sky-diving, or scuba-diving on a foreign tropical vacation. As it turns out what I did was find myself. I felt a LOT of emotion and I owned it all. All year long. That night in the car with Serena was another rebirth to me. Her words were so beautiful, heartfelt, and simple that I could never have come to them on my own ...one of those too close to the forest to see the trees things. We made a pact that night. I promised her that I would go back home to Seattle and that I would find myself. That I would free myself of the baggage that had been holding me down. That I would cut ties with the people I was nice to out of obligation who were just dragging me away from who I was. From that moment on I was on operation find myself. Full force. I stopped worrying about the petty things. I did or did not do things because I did or didn't want to. I stopped all my defensive false pretenses. I had a few slip ups and a few backslides, but Serena was always just a phone call and stern-reminding word away. And I loved her for it. She kept me on track and she didn't let me have or do anything less than what I absolutely ultimately wanted/deserved.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I took a year off from being myself to find myself. Make sense? :) It has been a journey and has taken everything out of me. And only good things have been molded back. I'm back. I'm me again and I'm a confident me and I love again. It's what I do. I love. Things, people, life, everything. I'm back. That's the point :) And I'm moving on and moving forward with a life that I am more familiar with. A life with what I know ...new things and adventures and a hunger for progression. The ball has started rolling already. I haven't wasted my last 525,600 minutes. My journey may have taken longer than I might have hoped, but it is what it is. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. It's mine.

Looking forward to my next 525,600 minutes I anticipate many things. Vacations are back ...Boston for St. Patty's day here I come ...New Orleans here I come ...etc. School is back, I'm now officially a Husky ...Go Dawgs ...and I'm on track for my second baccalaureate degree. I'm going to be a better nurse and I'm going to have a lot more letters behind my name. I've said goodbye to complacency and I don't miss it. And this year I'm going to do it. I'm going to learn a second language. Maybe two because I can't decide between Italian (because it's just so beautiful) or Spanish (because it's just so useful). I'll still have my trips to Starbucks, my tears, my laughter, my hours at work, lives saved, truths learned, and I'm sure tears cried and bridges burned. But I'll measure my next year in love. Because really, life is short. Live life to the fullest, every moment. Every single one. Love without holding back. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other day, no other way, no day but today. And always, ALWAYS viva la vie boheme!!!!! Much love all, and may you all have a blessed and rich holiday season!

Baby Boston's Blessing

Sigh. I had such a great weekend with my family!! I just love them all to pieces!! I flew into Salt Lake at 0900 and Heidi came to pick me up. Since we had both worked the night before we went for "breakfast" at TacoBell :) After a failed attempt at shopping at the Gateway ...who knew they weren't open at 9? Anyway ...we headed home and took some naps. Well, I took a nap. Heidi apparently went to the gym and then to make my secret present, then came home to take a short nap. When I woke up Cody, Chelsea, and Boston were at my parents house for dinner and to visit so I spent the rest of the evening with my family. And it was wonderful. And I got my secret present. A poop box for my car. Complete with air freshener and tissues :) It's a long story that I'm not going to go into, but it involves a very extended congested traffic jam after a long day of shopping ...including shoe shopping with boxes and tissue paper. That's all I'm going to say.

Anyway..... So Friday I got to spend the whole day with my awesome sister in law and my sweetie lil favorite cuddle buddy Bosty. Chel had a photo job at the Bountiful Temple, so I came with her to hang with my little buddy. On the way home we stopped at In-n-Out for Bosty's first visit :) Then we forfeited a small shopping trip to make it home in time to see Life As We Know It with my mom and Heidi. Great show, and also Bosty's first movie. He thought it was great :) Saturday was a chill day preparing for Sunday and doing a lil shopping. Including the second trip to Temptation Cupcake ...best cupcake store ever. Hands down. Amazing. Then of course Sunday was Bosty's blessing day and family picture day. Good times!! Love and miss my family already!! Boston is just such a sweet little happy baby. He's just sweet. A chubby little adorable sweetie. And he only let's out a death scream every once in a while :) And Cody and Chelsea are amazing parents. I'm so proud of them! Heidi is just amazing as always and has so much more self control than I could hope to have ever. And what can you say about my parents?! I'm just more lucky than words can express!

Preparation

In preparation for the holiday season I was getting a playlist ready for my ipod with all my holiday favorites. I was inspired to do this by all the freezing winter weather we're having up here, the possibility of snow tomorrow ...and in honor of the winter menu/music/decorations in Starbucks the other day :) While digging through my massive music collection I found a couple songs I wanted to share. They are both from John Schmidt's Winter Serenade album that I fell in love with in college. There were many a stressful teary night when I would lay down to bed, put this CD on repeat and it would quiet my brain away and lull me off to sleep. I love the whole thing! The first is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever (Along with O Holy Night (preferably sung by a nice baritone voice) and Mary's Lullaby by Debbie West Coon) The second one is not necessarily a Christmas song. It's the last song on the album and I just think her little voice is the cutest thing ever. Should I ever get married, this song will be on my wedding video. These songs just make me happy. They make me smile, and they make me feel peace. Just wanted to share :)

*despite of the fact that I can't make blogger fit the links INSIDE my post ...irritating!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, can't handle the size issue anymore ...so look it up on you tube :) John Schmidt's 'Still Still Still' and 'I Will'. Awesome stuff.

Complacency

Complacency is bad. I need more letters ...starting with CEN, CPEN, TNCC-I, and BSN. Possibly followed by a MSN-FN ...Eek!!

Happy Birthday

A very special very sincere happy birthday to a group of men who deserve it. To a group of men who have put themselves through hell for 235 years to date to ensure we have the quality of life we do. Happy Birthday Marines!!!!

And also ...in related news, Happy Veteran's Day to our veterans. Our heroes. Your sacrifices are not and will not be forgotten. There are no words to say thank you the way it is meant. But thank you. In the most sincere, down deep heart-felt from the bottom of my toes on up. I think Veteran's Day is in a tie for my second favorite holiday. The first being the 4th of July ...tied for second with Thanksgiving. For more reasons than just the men in uniform ...although that doesn't hurt ;) Today a best friend of mine started his journey to be a Ranger with the Army, and two other good friends celebrated their years of service with the Marines this past weekend. I love them each beyond just their service and sacrifice they have made in serving our country. Amazing men. And now I'm teary (how unlike me, I know ;) ) so I'm going to go. But I'll leave you with a thought I got from a friend. It's one of those obnoxious 'put this as your status if...' posts on facebook. I have a rule against reposting stuff like this. I figure I love my mom, sisters, friends, brother's dogs etc, and I tell them and don't need to broadcast said feelings across facebook. But this is a good thought for the day, and technically I'm not breaking my rule :)

A U.S. Military member is somewhere in the world tonight

missing their family while you are safe at home.

In the minute it takes you to read this

Military members across the globe are not only saving lives,

but sacrificing their own lives for your freedom.

Reality Is...

It's not the fall that hurts. I mean it hurts a little, bit it's minor and it's fleeting. What really hurts is the getting up. The moment when you start to move stiff joints and rebelling muscles damaged in the fall. What you damage in the fall doesn't hurt until you try to put yourself upright and get back up. Sure a broken leg is painful, but have you ever tried to get up and walk on one? I myself have had a fear of falling for years. I'm not afraid of heights, just that for some unexplained reason when I'm standing on the edge of the majestic cliff without a railing I'm going to spontaneously loose all muscle control as my body flails itself off the edge. It may seem irrational, but that's what fear is. Really though ...it's not the fall that I fear. Free falling and floating through air sounds amazing and free-ing. What we truly fear is the unknown ...we fear the repercussions of the fall. The part that happens when we have to get up. Interesting.

Ah, the power of email...

It's always amusing to me to browse through my junk-mail folder of my email every once in a while. It makes me giggle at memories and remember fun times past. You know, when you get emails from companies or places that you've visited, or more accurately from their websites that you've purchased part of your vacation through. I still get emails from the Anaheim Convention Center, Disneyland, hotel chains in Florida and Southern California, basketball arenas and concert venues across the country. Today I opened one that hit a sentimental spot of mine I've been dealing with lately. It was from a horror house. A haunted horror house. It wasn't so much the actual venue of Blood Manor ...although it was amazing and spectacular. It was the memories of the people and the location that hit the tough spot. I learned long ago that I left my heart in Seattle. The problem is, that I've left my soul in Manhattan. And my mind is definitely somewhere else entirely. I have been seriously craving New York City recently. I miss it like you'd miss breathing. I miss it always, I love Manhattan in all it's seasons, each has it's own magic. But there is no place in the world like Manhattan in the fall. There is an absolutely indescribable feeling that descends on the city come Labor Day. I miss it. I miss everything about it.

It's killing me to not be HERE this October

My soul is here.

Can you blame me?

I miss these people.

I miss this place.

The thing is, when I was here amongst all the fall colored crisp breeze scarf and pea-coat wearing glory and glamor, I was homesick. You've heard that home is where your heart is? Well, when I was in the most amazing and wonderful city in the world (it will always be so) I realized that Seattle felt like home. It was where my heart was and where I would return to some day. So when I was in NYC I yearned for this:

And now I'm in 'this' and I am having quite the identity crisis. Because as I said, my heart is in Seattle, My soul is in Manhattan, and my mind is here:

With this little guy. Again, can you blame me?! Sigh. What's a girl to do? How about vacation somewhere new and fabulous?!!! Good idea, no? I'll keep you posted! :)

Deflated

Remember those little emotion magnets that everyone had on their fridge in college? The one with all the faces and an emotion written under each one? Then there was the black frame magnet that went with it that said, "Today I feel," on it? Well today I feel deflated. I just got back from dropping my parents off at the airport. It's always a deflating disappointing feeling to come home to a now-empty apartment that so recently was filled with people and laughter. I'm missing my family and I'm missing friends from far away. And I'm bewildered over a friendship I thought was indestructible. I still think it is since i'm a firm believer that the truth will ALWAYS prevail ...but hiccups suck. And men are douche bags. And when the douche bag is your professionally controlling live-in boyfriend and baby-daddy, I can understand that it's easier to want to believe them ...but ...sigh. Today, I'm a little deflated. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be deflated today and spend the entire day in my comfy clothes with lots of time in my bed and on my couch with lots of great movies and TV on DVD ...perhaps some Grey's Anatomy. Although the last few times I've watched that one it's hit WAY to close to home on several emotional issues I'm not ready to deal with yet. So maybe I'll stick to Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie. The TV on DVD version of comfort food :) Ooh! And I'll eat some macaroni and cheese ...and chicken noodle soup ...and grilled cheese sandwiches... And now I'm just thinking out loud ...via the keyboard ...so I'm gonna go ...but I'll leave you with a picture of me and my amazing parents from yesterday.

'Tis the Season

...For baking and blankets and sweaters and scarves. And I've indulged in all of the above over the past weekend. Tonight, instead of making one of my go-to batches of cookies, I decided to be adventurous. You see, when I deep cleaned my kitchen a couple weeks ago, I threw away an expired bottle of vanilla extract. I did NOT as of yet replace it. So last night I was craving cookies, went to make some and realized that I didn't have vanilla. So I looked through the recipe book of my new kitchen aid to see if there was some yummy vanilla-less recipe for cookies. There was not. But, there was a recipe for these delectable looking creamy no-cook mints. So today I ran to the grocery store for vanilla extract, and picked myself up the ingredients to make some yummy mints. And since I was feeling extra adventurous, I picked up some food coloring so I could make my mints red, yellow, and orange. Very fall-like, no?

Well, turns out, mints aren't easy. They're quite messy. But I did it ...and they taste divine. They are not however red, yellow, and orange ...they are peachy, daffodil, and ...well ...not red. Nor are they the brown that I tried to turn the non-red into (don't ask someone who works in healthcare to describe this color). But, such is my life. It's never what you originally intended, and sometimes not even your backup plan looks like you thought it would. In the end it may look a little messy, but deep in the heart of things, it's the creamy minty goodness that overrides all else :) Happy fall everyone!

Why I Don't Grocery Shop

So I was deep cleaning my kitchen the other day and had a total friends moment. Shocking I know ;) But this was literally my fridge. Thus I feel completely justified in my lack of grocery shopping. It's clearly just a waste of money. LOVE this show!!!

Relax

Today I am going to do nothing. I'm not going to check a single blood pressure or look at a single monitor or hear a single solitary beep (be it IV pump, cardiac monitor, call light, or other) for the next four days. And that is fabulous. I slept a glorious ten hours and I'm planning on maintaining a horizontal position as much as possible, eating some powdered donut holes, drinking some yummy herbal tea, and watching some TV Thursday. Maybe I'll even pull out the scrapbook stuff. And tomorrow I'm going to lunch with some great friends, and going for sushi and other shenanigans later. Saturday marks the beginning of hockey season for me --go Thunderbirds :) It's going to be a glorious 4 days of not having to save any lives. Selfish? Perhaps. But glorious none the less.

I Live For Gameday!

I made it through my second year in a row of not living in New York City on September 11th. It still seems weird. And I still miss it. I miss the spirit of solemn remembrance that blankets the city. I miss seeing the phantom lights where the towers were. I miss seeing Lady Liberty and thinking of what she's meant to so many through the years.

September 11th is still a day I will never forget. It still is a day I spend in humble gratitude to our military forces, fire and police officers that afford us the life we have. It is a day I am particularly grateful for the life I have been given the opportunity to lead. It is a day I am honored to know many of the Men who have served abroad to protect our way of life and to afford that opportunity to others, and I am grateful for them.

Today instead of ground zero remembrances and lights that shoot from near-hallowed grave site grounds, I celebrate in a different way. A way that I feel is perhaps more appropriate. I have these memories in my mind and will keep them always. But today I not only remember the day, the people, and the events, but I celebrate the spirit that those things fell for. I spent the day with my family. Playing games, eating yummy treats, chasing kiddos around in laughter. I spent the evening at my alma mater. The place from which I gained an education, two degrees, and so much more. I put on my gameday gear, full of Aggie pride and watched my Men in Blue kick some ass on the football field. I sat with my wonderful and amazing family (and thousands of our closest friends ;) ) at Merlin Olsen Field at Romney Stadium in Logan, UT and watched the sun set over the rim of the stadium behind my majestic mountains while watching some good old football. I love my family, I love my life, I love my country, and I love my men and women who serve and protect us so that I can love all of these things. And because of them, as it says on my new t-shirt... I live for Gameday! And I love my Aggies!!!

disclaimer: I'm on a different computer and I can't make the photos be in chronological order... so they're backwards --grr.

Switching Gears

In my travels I've had the opportunity to meet many wonderful and amazing people. One of my all time favorites is a friend named Graham, pictured above at my farewell to NYC party. Graham Walker, ER resident extraordinaire ;) He was a 2nd year intern at St. Luke's in Manhattan where I worked two summer's/fall ago. Amazing person, amazing friend, amazing physician. And extremely great with words. You can follow his words blogs and general information here, here, or here. Oh, and did I mention, he's brilliant? In particular today I am reminiscing about a 'note' he wrote and published to his Facebook account almost 2 years ago today. It was entitled 'Reboot' and you can find the link here. The words are as follows.

"I'm always amazed at how much the ED can just keep going after some code or major trauma or absolute train wreck. Not just at how we physicians can mentally re-orient ourselves: 'Current task over, return to other patients now,' but the entire department. The housekeepers keep housekeeping, the nurses keep nursing, the techs keep teching; the controlled chaos returns after a sudden eruption of hell breaking loose.

"This is especially true and eerie after a death. Someone utters, 'Time of death eleven thirty-seven,' and it's like you've just rebooted our minds. We return from whence we came, doing what we did before, but now maybe a little sadder, a little more downtrodden, and a lot more behind. We whisper something to ourselves, pausing for a few seconds to grieve, and keep moving. Try to save the next one.

"A couple hours later, the body has been packaged and removed and the room is completely cleaned. Fresh. A new patient sits in the gurney, dangling his legs off the edge of the bed, wondering when he's going to be seen. He has no idea what just went on two hours ago in the exact same place. You briefly make eye contact as you walk past the room. Ignorance is bliss.

"The room is back to how it always is, with nothing left but your memories of what just happened. How you broke the poor woman's ribs at 100 beats per minute. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. How you stuck sharp things in her mottled, edematous frame. How before all this, you stuck the tube in her throat and figured things would start turning around once you controlled that airway. And then an hour later, how you ran through your differential one more time, everyone straining their brains as if there's some obvious procedure or drug or incantation you must just be forgetting that instantly resurrects the dead:
What?
Am?
I?
Missing?
You sigh. And then you call it.
'Time of death, eleven thirty-seven'
Reboot"

I love this. There are many things that you just have to experience to truly understand. The way that the workers in the ER are like the closest of close-knit families. But I think that even if you don't really get the 'reboot' post in the same way us ER peeps might, you get the gist. Last night at work after coding a patient intermittently for 2 hours and starting him on every drip known to man, the code was called. The doppler had been used to attempt to hear any discernible traces of remaining pulses in the soon-to-be deceased man. The ultrasound is brought in to confirm that there are no remaining traces of cardiac activity. The code is called. Reboot. New patients are waiting. As are those that were waiting while we were breaking ribs and drawing blood and pushing fluids and medications.

So I went to see my new patients. Medications were ordered on a patient 18 weeks pregnant who had urticaria of pregnancy. As were fetal heart tones. I grabbed the doppler, taking a moment to appreciate the irony of what the machine was last used for. I wheeled it into the room, gooped on the cold cold jelly and placed the doppler to the patients pregnant abdomen and heard a solid rapid thump thump thump thump thump. Humming along at a healthy 148 beats per minute. I left it there several moments longer than necessary. I love listening to fetal heart tones. I just think it's amazing. To hear a happy healthy baby's heartbeat while it is in an innocent blissful place doing nothing but growing fat and happy to make it's debut into the world. And it was especially reassuring at that moment. The circle of life and all that. The very machine I had used not ten minutes earlier to confirm the death of one man, was at that moment confirming the healthy fetal life of another. Reboot indeed. Life goes on. I have the greatest job in the entire world!

Don't Stop...

Today I believe in...

*Cleaning my house like I'm expecting royalty ...or my mom ...although I'm expecting no one but myself.

*Sweeping the pine needles off my 4'x6' deck so I can sit outside in my camp chair ...with myself.

*Cooking a gourmet meal ...for myself.

*Using chopsticks and the fancy dishes for a tv dinner ...with myself.

*Getting up and ready for a day with myself, makeup and all.

*Falling asleep in the middle of the day while at the park reading a great book.

Because I'm worth it. It's never JUST me, it is me. Simply, beautifully.

Countdown...

I will be an aunt in T minus two days :) This makes me happy and I can't freaking wait!!!!!!!! I mean I love being an auntie to several of my friends adoreable babies ...but now it gets to be official! Yay!

Today's "Things"

I knew today was going to be a good day. I got to work and found out that not only was the air conditioner in the staff ladies bathroom fixed (who wants to pee in a sauna? ew), but ALSO, the lady in the cafeteria cut my sandwich in triangles instead of squares. What a good day it was indeed :) And it was a great day at work as well ...as evidenced by our fearless psych counselor ...and remember it's a Monday AND a full moon:

Ah, Marilyn

I know I've quoted this before, it's one of my favorites. It's especially applicable today. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." --Marilyn Monroe.

Trust no one but yourself. I used to be such an optimist. A hopeless romantic, idealist, and optimist. I'm quickly becoming a pessimistic realist. Which is ok, I mean it is what it is... But there's only so many times you can be disappointed in the world before optimism fades to jaded bitterness. I still want to hope, I still want to believe that people are basically good (thanks Anne Frank, I'm trying), but the dark and twisty side of me is putting up quite a battle. One of my favorite Grey's Anatomy moments is from the bomb episode of season two. Meredith is refusing to get out of bed, and is ranting to Christina. "...You never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. Plus, my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I just ...I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the absence of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." After this Christina kicks Meredith out of bed and tells her, "Whatever! Everybody has problems, now get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! MOVE, move move move!" (thanks Wikiquote, you're a great invention :) )

I don't have anyone to kick me out of bed and make me go to work every day. I do however have bills to pay, so I do it. But the point is, things change, people change, they disappoint you, the world is quite a disappointing place. No one's perfect, and eventually you learn to trust your heart and your deep dark secrets to no one but yourself. Don't put people on pedestals because you'll get hurt when they fall off. And they always fall off. So do you, so don't try to climb on any. So all I need now is a sign. A sign that things are going to change. That good things have fallen apart because better ones are falling together. I need a reason to cleave to the last shred of desire to hope for better things. It's out there somewhere. Right?

Alone

Alone and lonely are not even close to the same things. A girl can feel lonely surrounded by millions of people. As anyone who's ever live in New York City can attest. A girl can also feel lonely surrounded by her friends. You can distract yourself from the loneliness by work or workouts or movies or tv or the internet or other activities. A girl needs her friends. A girl needs her girls. She needs them to sit with and to talk with and to help her through. It's true what they say on SaTC, it doesn't matter what you're going through or how long it takes you to make it through, you never get there without your friends. But eventually you are alone. Just you by yourself. Alone. And sometimes you're alone and lonely. But it is in these moments, when you're truly alone that you figure out what you're made of. You've been given the advice, the love, the encouragement, and the support that you need, and you need to be by yourself to figure out what you are and how you work. Alone and lonely is tough. But it doesn't last forever. And eventually when you're able to stand on your own, you're not lonely any more. Even if you are alone.

I'm Back!

I really love vacation, and I really fell in love with the south. Among the things I discovered in North Carolina is a new (to me) band, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. They played one of the nights at the Bele Chere Festival, and I was hooked. So I came home and downloaded their album to my iTunes. Good stuff. You should really check it out. I went to visit an amazing friend of mine, Serena. I met Serena when we were both travel nurses in Seattle the first time I was here. We were both travel nurses again together last summer at the same hospital. I have since become permanent staff at Valley, and she has since moved home with her husband and step-daughter and has a new three-month old baby and is permanent staff at an ER in NC. We really are two of a kind, Serena and I. Very very very similar. We were raised almost identically. We think the same, we act the same, our mom's are alike, our dads are alike, even our past relationships are nearly identical. I have many great and amazing friends, and I love them all. They are all very wise and have many very wise pieces of advice and moments of insight, and I appreciate it more than they could know. This trip in particular though, I unlocked a key discovery from within myself. During a spur of the moment 2 hour road trip to Charlotte (long story involving multiple flight changes and cancellations) she helped me discover that I just needed to find myself. I have so lost myself in a sea of trying to be what others think I should be. And trying to be what I thought I needed to be to save and hold onto relationships with friends and more-than-friends. When the reality is that if I myself am not 'good enough' then so be it. I don't need you. So, I'm on a new mission. Operation find myself. I'm not sure how to do it or where the journey is going to take me, but I know that it will be somewhere amazing. It's amazing how instantly freed I felt when she said this one sentence. It was so simple and so true. I don't know who 'me' is anymore, but I'm going to figure it out. Ah, sweet freedom. Freedom from expectations of others who don't matter. I am who I am, and I might not know exactly who that is anymore, but I do know that I'm done worrying about what anyone else thinks about who I am.

So, Grace Potter. Was listening to the new album today on the way home, and took note of the lyrics to one of the songs, "Fooling Myself." "Maybe I feel like I'm fooling myself, either that or I'm fooling everyone else... Maybe it's hard just to let it all go, but it's goin' goin' gone right out my door." There it is. An amazing visit with an amazing friend. An amazing self discovery. It's good to be back :)

Currently on Constant Replay

In my car, in my room, on my computer, this song is constantly blaring at top volume. It's essentially my life theme song for a moment.

Love The Way You Lie by Eminem feat Rihanna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

I can't tell you what it really is,
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe but still I fight while I can fight.

As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from the hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint.
And I love it, the more that I suffer, the more I suffocate.

And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she f*(&ing hates me
And I love it.

Wait, where you going
I'm leaving you
No you aint, come back.
We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cause when it's going good, it's going great.
I'm superman with the wind in his bag.
She's Lois Lane.

But when it's bad, it's awful.
I feel so ashamed. I snap.
Who's that dude, I don't even know his name.
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again.
I guess I don't know my own strength.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

And the song continues, but I'm sure you get the jest. Love love love this song.

Reaffirmation

Things I have learned this weekend:



1. Friendship is forever. And the best ones are there forever and always no matter what you say or do or how far apart you are.



2. I think I actually COULD handle having a baby... My apartrment however needs some work.



3. There is NO therapy like sunshine therapy.



4. Even after 2 years, watching the Yankees play is like being home.



5. I really like my days off. Like an unhealthy amount. I'm not sure what that means...



6. I miss living within walking distance to Pike Place.



7. I need to use the pool at my apt a lot more.



8. I'm not letting Danielle and family go home.



9. I'm going to miss my Mercy like crazy when she goes to school in New Orleans. I wouldn't let her leave either but a) I'm pretty sure they outlawed keeping Africans hostage in your house a few years ago. And b) I really want to visit New Orleans, and now I'll have my own tour guide :)

Let Freedom Ring

Erma Bombeck once said, "You have to love a nation that celebrates it's Independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but at picnics where kids throw frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die of happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it's patriotism." I love it, and it's so true. The 4th of July always has been and always will be my favorite holiday. It's when we celebrate what we are. And we don't do this with big shows of strength and military muscle on our own soil. Our service men and women are busy fighting at home and abroad to keep our freedoms and ensure the cause of liberty. They do so not with a big show, pomp and circumstance, but every day. Fourth of July or not. I have two dear friends who have served several tours of duty in Iraq with the Marines, and now a friend near and dear to me is preparing to do so as a Ranger in the Army. I know this side of them. The side of them that loves to boat and play ball and joke with friends. The side that throws one heck of a summer barbecue. The side that loves life and laughter. And I've seen glimpses into the sides of them that have gotten blown up in caravans. Seen glimpses into the side of them that has held brothers as they lay fallen in sacrifice for what we take advantage of every day.

One of my favorite 4th of July moments on film is in the movie The Sandlot. When they're all our playing a game of street ball and they all stop to admire the fireworks in the sky while Ray Charles sings about purple mountain's majesty. It brings me to nostalgic tears. Every time. In the words of Rodney Atkins, "It's a high school prom, it's a Springstein song, it's a ride in a Chevrolet. It's a man on the moon, fireflies in June, and kids sellin' lemonade. It's cities and farms, it's open arms, One Nation Under God, it's America." That's why we celebrate with family picnics where kids trow frisbees and have watermelon seed spitting contests. That's why we celebrate with baseball games and fireworks and family friends and loved ones. Because that's what we fight for. That's who we are. We are beautiful spacious skies, we are amber waves of grain, we are purple mountain majesty. We are America. America is families and friends playing and enjoying the sunshine and warm summer nights. That is the heart and soul of what we are and it's why so many now and before us have shed blood sweat and tears. Thank you for those that have gone before and sacrificed so much, that we can have what we take advantage of today. You are not forgotten. You are loved.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from John Fitzgerald Kennedy. "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."

Behold the Power of Cheese

...and by cheese, I mean food. Seriously. What is it? Usually when I am in any kind of emotional turmoil (anxiety, nervousness, sad, upset, yada yada) I loose all appetite and don't eat for weeks at a time. But for some apparent reason (I'm gonna blame hormones, because that's what I blame everything unknown on) for the last three months I've been eating everything in sight. I get upset and cry then I make a pie so I can eat it. I ate a whole pie in three days. I went through an entire package of double stuff oreos (that I went on a 0200 emergency grocery store trip to buy) in 3 hours. With peanut butter on top. That's just the kind of last few months I've had. For some reason my body decided to go backwards from normal and I have become an emotional eater. My hips and my now slightly snug clothing realize this is a bad idea, and I realize that it's not the greatest coping mechanism, but it is what it is.

So for the last week I've put myself back on a diet. The thing is, excuse my french, I become a homicidal bitch if I haven't eaten all day. Seriously. I hate people (everyone) and my life and my job and ...well, everything. I realized this at work the other day when I was having a terrible day for no apparent reason. I wanted to stab people in the eyeballs (don't lie, we've all been there) and everything just irritated me! Luckily, my roommate took subconscious pity on my poor coworkers when she surprised me at work with real food. Moral of the story, it's not worth my mental health to starve myself. Running: great. Dieting: not so much. So I'll just have to strive harder to not make the key lime pie and eat the entire thing in three days time. No more midnight runs to get double stuff oreos that I can coat in delicious peanut butter and put myself in a food induced happy state. Just eating like normal and exercising. Sigh. But I might not kill anyone intentionally this way ;)

Filter Free

So, here's the thing about exhaustion. It zaps you of the energy that you have to lie. The energy that you have to fake it, to pretend, and to act. It forces you to be much more honest. When you're physically exhausted you don't have the ability to pretend like you are emotionally detatched. Or that you have any sentimentality at all over other things. Case in point: I have chosen to hang out with my friends and celebrate their achievements over the past couple days over sleeping. As a result I've slept about 5 hours of the last 48. So on the way to work today when I was completely physically exhausted, I found myself getting teary and worked up about a couple different things. Things that on a proper amount of sleep, I have the full capacity to shove down inside and 'deal with them rationally.' I also had lost the ability to appear as though I cared for people. Because the honest truth is, if you're not sick, I really don't give a tiny rats a*s whether you stay to see the doctor or not. In fact I'd rather you didn't. And let's remember, my definition of sick and your definition of sick are different. And emergencies don't wait. I also don't have the ability to act as though your 200lb obnoxious 10 year old is cute. I have no ability to pretend as though I had the patience to deal with your non sick child. I have no ability to act like the two babies that were delivered in the ER last night were sweet and special and happy and cute occurrences. They're not. Nor do I care to pretend that I didn't wish that a few of our staff would be so inspired by how 'cute' it all was that they would realize their true calling is labor and delivery. I did come to an interesting realization however. My hatred for all Boston athletic teams is outdone by my hatred for Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. Therefore I don't feel bad that I am cheering for the Celtics to win. I actually hope they slaughter the Lakers. Huh. Who would have thought :)

My Girls

Last night I was driving to work when Shania Twain's 'Any Man Of Mine' came on the radio. I literally laughed out loud. And of course I totally rocked out to the song. I had flashbacks to oh-so-many nursing school road trips with my best nursing school gals karaoke-ing away to Shania and Christina Aguillara and Billy Currington. Oh, Billy. So this is a quick shout out to my best nsg school friends (and still among my best of friends today). Together we survived the worst hell possible. We made it through all the wondering if we were ever going to actually get our heads above water, all the marathon study sessions in the library, the bachelor parties, the road trips, and a few bathroom incidents... ;) Love you girls! Together we learned how to be the amazing nurses that we are today ...6 years later. (Wow, we're getting old ;) ) (I couldn't find any pictures of us IN nsg school on my computer, so the first one is the year after we graduated... the second one was 5 years later -- last fall at Melissa's wedding)

Lucky Girl

So last night at work I had a room assignment with actual patients, as opposed to being the clinical resource nurse or triage nurse. A welcome change. My room assignment happened to be in the 'psych' patient area. Always an adventure. So over the course of an hour I had a patient who was crazy (not drunk, just crazy) tell me that as soon as he finished prosecuting his father who was the head of the KKK that he was going to save his money and come back to take me to dinner. As lead prosecutor and supreme court justice I figure he'll have his hands full for a while. He also said that he was going to remember my name so he could find my phone number. (moment of gratitude for only having first names on name tags). Then my patient who was crazy and drunk told me that I was a beautiful woman and that she would do what I said because I had a big d*ck. THEN my patient that was drunk (not crazy, just drunk) stopped mid "seizure" and says, "HOLD ON!!!" I stare at him with the same expression I had while waiting out his "seizure" ...blank boredom ...and he looks at me and says, "Do you have babies?" I said no, and he said, "Well why not?! You're too gorgeous to not have babies! I'll help if you want. You need to have girls. Probably two, but at least one. You should name her Sarah." I am a lucky lucky girl :)

Happiness

Things I love about Seattle today: Cute little corner coffee shops. Amazing people. Quaint old used book stores. This weekend I met my 'mentee' from work for coffee and cupcakes. By mentee, I mean newly graduated nurse that I'm assigned to 'mentor' --who I already consider a good friend. And now we have an extra excuse to hang out outside of work. So we went to Cupcake Royale --home of the greatest cupcakes in the world. I had the 'Dance Party' cupcake, along with a delicious non-fat chai latte. We ate and talked and laughed and then went for a walk on California Ave in West Seattle. It's the greatest cutest little hippie neighborhood, and I love it. Turns out, something I didn't know about my mentee was that she shares my love for books. She took me to a little used book store that was amazing and I found these:



Which I also love! Vintage nursing items. I figure from these books I'll learn how to be a good 50s housewife nurse who doesn't talk back, and instead I'll learn to say things like, "Yes, doctor" and, "Here you go sir." Lol! In all seriousness though, I found these four books which were all written in the 50's about nurses, and I couldn't not get them! Can't wait to delve in! So this weekend, corner coffee shops, good friends, used book stores, and vintage nursing memorabilia make me happy :) And if you're ever in the greater Seattle area, check out the link below!

Zen

I can only think of two ways I could possibly be more relaxed right now, and one of them involves a 2 1/2 hour heated shea butter massage. Mmmm... anyway ...I just finished my sixth shift in a row. Tuesday night was complete hell, and last night just flat out kicked my butt. It's been a while since I've been able to honestly say that I did not sit down -even to chart or pee- for ten hours. But, it's over now. And I'm in heaven thanks to a 35 minute shower where I kept the water so hot my skin was pink and shaving creamed and deep conditioned and exfoliated and lotioned and let all my stress and cares wash right down the shower drain with the shampoo suds. Ah, showers. I love them. I also love new clothes and shoes and days off and friend's birthday parties and cupcakes and bed. Always bed. Foremost bed. My lavender and chamomile oasis with 1,000 thread count sheet covered heavenly bed. And all of these things are in my immediate future. Life is good today :)

Also...

It is what it is. Love isn't a cure-all. It is the most spectacular splendor, and therefore can also be the most exquisite pain. You can be a pessimist, an idealist, an optimist, or a realist, but no matter which way you slice it you have to keep taking chances. Sometimes when you scratch an itch it goes away ...and sometimes it just gets ...itchier. No one is perfect. Men, Women, not a single one of us. You have to swallow the bad with the good and decide what you can live with. You're not going to get great rewards without great risks. Allow yourself to be molded and shaped. It's painful at times but worth it. It's how we grow. At the same time, never loose sight of who or what you are. Keep taking chances and eventually you'll take the house.

SaTC Experiment

Great therapy. Sex and the City is great therapy for single gals. It reminds us that being young and single is sexy and wonderful and amazing and adventurous and that heartache happens but the next douche-bag is just right around the corner. I had caught an episode here or there on tv reruns, but a while back I watched one that really grabbed me. It was titled 'A Woman's Right to Shoes.' In this episode one of the girls that the 4 used to hang out with is having a baby shower for her third pregnancy. Long story short, Carrie has her $825 shoes stolen from the party when they had to take them off before coming into the apartment. Her friend tells her that she shouldn't have to pay for them because it's not her fault that Carrie spent so much on something so insignificant, and she shouldn't have to pay for Carrie's self-indulgent lifestyle. As the show goes on, Carrie realizes (and tells her friend) that she's spent thousands of dollars celebrating this friends decisions. Celebrating the decisions with wedding presents and presents for all three of the children. She then realizes that after graduation there is not a single occasion to celebrate the single person. Not one. So she sends her friend an announcement that she is marrying herself and is registered at Manolo Blahnik. She registered for one item, her shoes. Her friend ends up buying them, and at the end of the episode Carrie says that it's hard to walk in a single gal's shoes. That's why we have to wear fabulous ones, to make the journey more exciting.

I decided that I needed more of this in my life. So on a retail therapy trip to Target, I bought all six seasons of Sex and the City on DVD (and a bluray player and hdmi cable ...but that's beside the point...). I started with episode one of season one and found quickly that it was a good idea to keep a pen and paper handy for all the amazing things I was relating to. There's not much else need to explain. Here's my favorites. Those of you who will get it will just get it, and those of you who don't won't and that's fine by me. Quotes are narration or dialog by Carrie unless noted otherwise.

"I didn't understand. Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man, why didn't I feel like I had more control?"

"I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 and realized I no longer had the energy to be completely superficial."

"The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him, but isn't delayed gratification the meaning of maturity?"

"I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I will always think of him fondly. As an asshole."

"Was secret sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state, exempt from the judgement of the world? Or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?"

Samantha: "Just be cool. You don't care. Then he'll wonder why you don't which will make him realize he does and then it's a whole new ballgame."
Miranda: "So, in your world it's always 6th grade?"
Charlotte: "I think a relationship has to be built on honesty and communication to succeed."
Samantha: "Ok, if you were 25 that would be adorable, but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid."

"Puberty is a phase, 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle." Stanford Blatch

"Let's be honest. Sometimes there's nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you. The baby shower."

"It's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes."

"It takes half the time you went out with someone to get over them. You can't push yourself into feeling good. The only way to get over somebody is to feel really bad, cry to your girlfriends, and to replay what you hated about him over and over in your head all day." Charlotte

"I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain."

"We're so over we need a new word for over."

Carries 5 breakup rules:
1. Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.
2. Lie. It's a lot easier than admitting that's why you invited the new Yankee to the party and why you maxed out your credit card to buy the dress.
3. Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.
4. Never stop thinking about him. Even for a moment. Because that's the moment he'll appear.
5. No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

"If New York's signature food is the apple, the signature sound is the siren. But what about the injuries that don't get a siren. Whether you're falling in a hole in the street or falling back in love ...just how dangerous is a broken heart?"

Amazing, no? Now, I must admit that I did see the SaTC movie before I watched the series. Kind of like watching the movie before reading the book. It leaves you misguided and there's always something critical that is left out. Like all girls in the movie (and I thought who had seen the show as well), I was kind of endeared to Big. Who wouldn't be endeared to someone who bought you a bazillion dollar home on 5th ave --and built you your own palatial closet to boot. He did have his big freak out asshole moment when he panicked and didn't drove past instead of stopping to go to his wedding, but he was coming back for her... But every guy in every movie has a moment like that. Besides, I had heard the buzz about him when the series was on air, I figured that he was a big deal (no pun intended) and that he and Carrie were destined to be together. Like romeo and Juliet. So when the movie ended and all was happy, I was happy. No matter how much it pains me to admit it, I am a hopeless romantic.

What I didn't get from the movie that I realized watching each episode was that Big is a giant asshole. He treated her like crap repeatedly and kept stringing her along and kept coming back and being an asshole all over again. He broke her heart a couple times, and she found someone amazing. Aiden. I love Aiden. I can't wait to find my Aiden. And when I find him I won't let a married-to-someone-else Big ruin it. When my Aiden proposes to me and I say yes, I won't end up having an affair with my ex-Big who is still married to someone else. And should my Aiden find out about the affair and forgive me and still love me anyways, I will keep him forever. I will not be swayed when my ex-asshole Big gets jealous and possessive even though he's married to someone else who he won't leave. I will keep my Aiden over Big because Aiden is what every girl needs, and Big is what is out there. He makes Carrie feel insignificant and inconsequential and never good enough. Unfortunately Aiden's have gone extinct in real life. The one's that are there are blissfully married as they should be. So back to Big. For six years he was a complete douche bag with intermittent periods of actual gentlemanly behavior. All assholes have to have some redeeming moments, it's what hooks you. Holding on to those fleeting moments.

But the show was still amazing therapy. As I said before, I related completely. And it was fun to realize that I was part of all 4 characters, not just Charlotte as I thought after seeing the movie. And it was fun to realize that each of your friends is more like one of the ladies than the other three. And that somehow when you put all your friends together you end up with an even balance of all 4 characters.

The show reminded me how much I am in love with New York City. Still. That place gets inside you and becomes part of who and what you are.

And as amazing as it was, I was quite disappointed in the ending. And yet I wasn't at the same time. The hopeless romantic in me (the part created by Disney and fairytales and believing that true love conquers all when I was a little girl) was glad that she ended up with Big. The ending was dramatic and romantic and seemed fitting. And I obviously saw it coming since I had seen the movie.

But like everything else that's not reality, it ended in happily ever after. My single girl power gritty real life success therapy ended with the cold hard fact that apparently if you put up with the asshole for 6 years he will turn into a prince who's everything you ever imagined. It's a modern day fairytale come true. It's the same shit we were force fed when we were little (ok, not just when we were little, I still love Disney movies ...I watched sleeping beauty just the other day). Like in beauty and the beast ...if you stick around long enough and put up with someone holding you captive and dictating what you wear and eat and your daily activities, he will turn into a prince. The difference is this one was marketed for adults. Jaded adults even.

Which reminds me. McDreamy. The wonderful beautiful perfect McDreamy. The man that my friends and I have often pondered doesn't exist in reality. I had a moment as I was watching the beginning of season two on DVD the other day. Let's re-examine this. McDreamy does exist. He's beautiful, he has amazing hair and that McDreamy look (think elevator) that makes your knees crumble and your insides turn to mush. That makes everything he suggests sound amazing and incredible. But he also started an affair with you --painting pictures of lasting futures and homes and families-- neglecting to tell you that he is already married. Then he doesn't apologize for not telling you. Then he doesn't sign the divorce papers because he can't give up his life (wife) in "one day." Then after he rejects you he continues to give you the McDreamy look at work, and be there for you in obnoxious ways and continually break your heart and drive you crazy. He hugs you when you're hysterical over yous sick mother. He holds you silently in the closet when you need a moment not alone. You date someone else and he flies of the handle with jealousy ...while still married to his wife. But if you can endure enough of his wanting his cake and eating it too, eventually his wife will move to LA and he will be McDreamily yours forever.

What I'm getting out of all this is that Prince Charming does still exist. McDreamy does in fact exist. You just have to put up with all the crap first. So if I endure all the pain and misery and tears and heartache and wistful longing and being treated like a discard-able possession long enough, the asshole will turn into a prince. Perfect.

This post kind of turned into a pot of Gumbo. I'm not technically sure what Gumbo is, but in my brain it's like a big potluck soup. A little of everything all mixed together. I have a roommate who is moving to Louisiana to go to Tulane for grad school, so I'm sure soon enough I'll find out what actual Gumbo is. Then again, this is my temporary roommate who told me the other day, "I keep thinking that you should be from Boston. I mean, I have to remind myself that it's NY where you lived, because it just seems like you should be from Boston. I don't know what it is." So we'll see what comes of that :) But that's what came of my SaTC experiment. And now I have a lot of books I need to re-read. He's Just Not That Into You (inspired by a SaTC writer btw), If The Buddha Dated, Act like a Woman, Think like a Man ...the list goes on. Books based in reality. Pay no attention to the movie he's just not that into you. It ends with a Hollywood ending that completely undoes any good done by the book. Now, off to bed and then to read some books... And the second SaTC movie comes out tomorrow... :)

The best of all days

Has got to be hair day!!! I heart getting my hair done!!!

And that is some pretty fabulous hair if I do say so myself :) ...Hair and now work win today, other story coming later still...

Bed Wins

I have been formulating a post all day involving conflict and Big and friendship and New York City and fairytales and Boston and Gumbo and McDreamy ...And now I'm pooped. And my bed wins. So maybe sometime later.

Someday Soon

I will have a very cute nephew and I will take pictures of him that look like this because it is the cutest thing ever. (photo by simply be photography: https://simplybephoto.com/wordpress)

Conversation...

...last night at work:

RN: "Where are your pants?"

Pt: "Where are YOUR pants?"

RN: "I'm wearing them, seriously, where are your pants?"

Pt: "You don't have to wear pants in the ER"

RN "Yes, you do, here are some paper scrubs, put those on."

Pt: "No, those are too tight on my belly, just give me a gown"


I love my job.

Tonight...

Tonight's food for thought brought to you by the thought inspiring writers of Grey's Anatomy:

"Ask most people what they want out of life, and the answer is simple. To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

Is it the fear of the unknown? The fear that nothing better will come along, that we've already been as happy as it's possible to be? Is it searching for something better and the yearning and hoping for the happiness --that is supposed to be the journey, not the destination-- what keeps us from actualizing our dreams? The hopes and dreams of a better fantasy life that blocks our sights of what the happiness actually is? Thoughts anyone?

Last night...

...I assisted on a pelvic exam where a surprise foreign body was found. The PA-C placed the foreign body on the exam table covered in copious amounts of foul smelling green and yellow pus. The patient looked at it, the PA and I looked at each other trying to hold in our giggles. The patient says to the PA, "WHAT is that?!" To which the PA replied, "You tell me." The patient looked at the purulent slimy coated foreign body and said, "Oh my gosh! I haven't seen that for months!!" It wasn't a tampon.

I found a used condom --not of the medical kind while cleaning a room that a patient had just been discharged from.

I saw a very elaborate and detailed --and very large --phallic drawing, in pen, covering a patient's entire back.

I had a patient with such a massive intercerebellar bleed that her tonsills were herniating down her throat.

I had a patient that we diagnosed with a giant left temporal mass. She became went from a completely independent active life to completely non-verbal in 2 hours.

I took care of a 8 month old in severe respiratory distress, and several other patients in between.

And this was all in the last 8 hours of my shift. I spent the first 6 hours in triage hating people for not understanding that Emergency Rooms are for LIFE THREATENING emergencies. And now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

What's in your purse?

So I saw this on My friend Jill's blog. Apparently someone named Stacy Julian challenged people to dump the contents of their purses and take pictures and blog about it. I thought it was cute, but I didn't (don't) know who Stacy is, and quite frankly, I just couldn't see myself doing it. Then today I went to Target. It was payday and I had been needing a long list of routine items for a while. It was rainy today ...weird in Seattle, I know. But I jetted down the street to Target and got a front row parking spot ...in the rain. Score! I ran in and got my cart full of items. I walked straight up to the check out counter. The only one without a line. Score! Again... Anyways... Unloaded my cart onto the counter, and reached in my purse to get my debit card.

This is the point that I remember that my wallet is sitting on the floor next to my bed where I had been paying some bills when I got home from work. My wallet containing my debit card, my checkbook, cash, change, and all my credit cards. Pretty much all my forms of currency. So I look at the lady with my mouth gaping open in shock and embarrassment and say "Oh, shi-oot." She paused before scanning my first item, and asked what was wrong. I told her what I did, and to my surprise she said that there was a place to keep all the items in my cart until I could come back. They have a place for that. People do this that often? I'm one of those people? Ugh. So she helped me put everything back in my cart and showed me where the 'carts-in-waiting' spot was. I drove the 5 minutes home, grabbed my wallet, placed it rightfully in my purse and went back. I collected my filled cart from the cart babysitting section. The worker in charge of the area said that she remembered which one was mine because of my cute purse that was on my shoulder. Great. My purse is cute. Super cute actually. If only I had remembered to put my wallet in it. So without further delay ...here's what was in my purse today:

The only other thing that was in my purse was my camera. Not pictured for obvious reasons. We've got my super cute bag ...my Easter present from my cute mommy, my sunglasses, my iPod (mostly used to avoid talking to people on airplanes), a bottle of eye re-wetting drops (again, used mostly to re-wet my contacts after long naps on airplanes), a pen from the hotel I stayed at last time I was in Vegas, a bottle of baby lotion I stole from work because my hands get so incredibly dry washing them 3,546 times a day, my Burt's Bees chapstick (the only kind I'll use), and varying flavors scents colors and sheens of lip gloss (because yes, Jill, girls lips do look better in pictures when they're shiny, and also, quite frankly, kissing is more fun with it ...and it makes you more memorable --the whole using all the senses thing...)

And this is everything (except camera again) that should have been in my purse today. My cute wallet included. My cute wallet carrying my debit card, Yankee mastercard, discovercard, VS Angel card, safeway card, duane reade card, my Black Book card, you're getting the point. A wide variety of cards and business cards and a bit 'o cash and change, and two tickets to the Allstar Minor League football game in Vegas that some running back gave me when I was in Vegas ...didn't end up going -clearly, since the tickets are still in my wallet. I also have a couple old Yankee tickets in my wallet, just for sentimentality :) And oh, my goodness, my cell phone!! My cell phone is at my side 24-7, so if I'm out and about I'd have that with me as well. That I would never leave by my bed.

I have a problem.

Today I spent just over $275 ordering around 3,000 pictures that cover a span of 13 weeks of my life. I have a problem. A picture taking problem. And when the prints arrive at my house I will be spending countless more dollars on the scrapbooks and supplies to turn those photos into priceless memory filled books. It will all be worth it, and I will do this many times over, but I still found it funny that I spent that much printing photos to cover a mere 13 weeks of my life.

See, I'm a little behind on my scrapbooking. The last time I printed photos they were of my first time living in New York. I told myself that I couldn't print anymore until I had those ones all scrapbooked. So I haven't. And the first time I lived in New York was the summer/fall of 2007. Just recently I made a power push to get caught up and scrapbooked the entire time in 3 weeks. So now I'm on to my California adventures. Which I am SO excited to get to!!!! After that is my road trip up the PCH. I decided to make a photobook of this road trip rather than printing more photos. I figured the road trip was like a story, so a book was appropriate. Besides I would get entirely too bored of scrapbooking nothing but scenery pictures. So in addition to ordering all my Cali pics, I also put together and ordered a custom made 78 page book covering the 4 day trip. I am so excited to get it and see it and look at it that I may not be able to sleep tonight! Thank you shutterfly for indulging my picture taking problem :)

Here's a link to see the online version of the book: click here :)

DC adventures in Cherry Blossoms

Last time I went to DC I joked that it was an experiment in how many National Parks you could see in three days. We ran and ran and ran for three straight days, and still somehow didn't get it all done. This time was the spring time edition of that same experiment. We went in the spring which was equally as beautiful as the fall, and with the exception of the Holocaust Museum did all different things from last time. We were there for 5 days, and there are still things that I need to do next time since we STILL didn't get to. I am seriously in love with Washington DC. It is beautiful and clean and filled with thousands of cute quaint little neighborhoods. There is tons to do, and with the exception of food and souvenirs, everything is free. It's a fabulous place. It's funny how the more I travel and the more things I cross off my list of things to do before I die, the more things I add to it. For example, this trip I discovered that before I die I will need to live on Fairfax Street in Alexandria, VA. I have well over 200 pictures from the trip and am not going to bother trying to post them all ...so check out my facebook (those of you who have access :) ) Otherwise, here are the highlights:

Life... Today...

Just got home from work. Leave for DC in less than 24 hours. Exhausted. Going back to work in 9 hours. Still need to unpack from Vegas. Still need to pack for DC. Still need to do mucho laundry. Going to bed now :)

Aggie Essentials

Ah, Aggie road trips. How many of these have there been now? I have lost count. But they are always filled with great memories and a few staples. It's been a few years since my college days, but once an Aggie always an Aggie. It's like riding a bike. So when my former roommate Jill decided to fly into Seattle to drive to Spokane with me to the NCAA basketball tournament, I started to prepare myself. We had a great time supporting our Aggies this trip. As we do always. And the essentials were all there :) So I present to you in photographic fashion, the Aggie Road trip Essentials:

Standing up...

Hurts. Being horizontal in the fetal position --much less painful. But, life goes on. The fact that you're acting like --and might actually be a complete asshole doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. I find it beyond difficult to believe that I was THAT fooled by you. I'm starting to entertain the idea, that may have been the case. I may have been that stupid. But I'm determined to fake it 'till I make it. I'm not trying to pretend to myself that you won't see through it. But I'm going to act like I don't care until I don't ...like a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I refuse to be crippled by the fact that you still have the power to hurt me. I wish I knew how to take away that power, but I'll get there. I'm learning a lot from you. And in the meantime, I hang on and force myself to make it to the next day I go to work, or the next visit from a friend from home. To the next vacation. It's going to get easier. And while it hurts to stand I have the support of amazing people. People who don't even realize how they are impacting my life. Random comments, emails and phone calls out of the blue. People who know and know me and assure me that I'm normal and that I'm ok. I love them.

Part II

I'm not her. I'm not the girl that can get over you. I hate that I love you and I hate that you know exactly what to do and say so that I can't be mad at you anymore --and at the same time I love that about you. I'm not the person that you can have a casual fling with. I'm the girl that you settle down and stay with forever because I'm amazing and you don't want to let me go. I'm not the girl who doesn't notice when you ignore me. I'm not the girl who isn't hurt when you refuse to acknowledge me. I'm not the girl who picks herself up, holds her head high, and moves on because it's what is best for me. I'm the girl who loves you. For better or for worse. Even when I don't want to and fight it for all I'm worth. I'm the girl who worries about you and wants you to be happy and wants the best for you. Why do you act like you want the first girl when it's plain to me --and those who know you best, that you want the second? Why don't you want to want me?

Is it because I'm just that pathetic and awful to be around and be associated with? If I picked myself up and held my head high and ran away from you in my own self interest would anything change? I hear how it sounds. I know that I'm acting like a sad rejected kicked puppy. I know that's not attractive. But right now, that's me. I don't want that to be me. I want to be the first girl. But I can't. So really, it's your loss. And I wish that didn't make me cry.

Honesty

I feel like shit. What a crappy day. Sometimes life just sucks. And sometimes I just suck at life. The good news is, only a few more hours till I can take a unisom and some benadryl and go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe better, maybe worse, maybe the same. But today I'm going to stay inside, by myself, in my pajamas, and sulk. One of my best girls ...and most wise ...recently quoted Paulo Coelho, "Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not." I am not the bitter hurt lost little kicked puppy I've become. So today I'm going to sit. With just myself (because I'm so whiny I don't even want to be around myself --best to not subject anyone else to that). And I'm going to pout and sulk and wallow in my misery. Because I want to. And I deserve today. And however long it takes for me to feel these feelings out. It might be a while. I feel like shit. What a crappy day.

Lazzzyyyy...

I was tagged by Jill a while ago, and I just don't have the energy to blog about the new digs at work ...so here you go.

4 TV shows I like to watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Glee
3. Criminal Minds
4. Extreme Forensics

4 things I'm passionate about

1. Aggie basketball
2. Yankee baseball
3. Love
4. Trauma

4 words/phrases I say often

1. Good-NIGHT
2. Hey-aayyy
3. big poke here, don't move
4. Mmm bed

4 things I have learned from the past

1. Disney was wrong
2. It actually might be better to have loved and lost...
3. graham crackers and nap time are still important
4. there are some patients who will die no matter what you do and some patients who will live no matter what you do

4 places I would love to go

1. Hawaii --always
2. NYC --I miss you
3. US Virgin Islands
4. Greece

4 things I did yesterday

1. walked 6.5 miles during my slow shift at work
2. wrestled a bloody drunk
3. laughed about a pt's awesome name and chief complaint- don't judge me, how I wish I could share it with you!
4. ran outside in the sunshine --yay!!

4 things I'm looking forward to this year

1. DC in April
2. Mediterranean in Oct
3. Hawaii in Nov
4. Skydiving this summer --it's GONNA happen!

4 things I love about winter

1. it didn't snow at all this last winter
2. it makes you appreciate the summer more
3. basketball season
4. cuddling by the fire

4 things on my wish list

1. Kitchen Aid
2. Audi A4
3. Schnese --black
4. an apartment that maintains the clean state I put it in

Ah-he-he-hem!

Dear Post Office,

We are still not friends. I plan on doing nothing to rectify the situation since I am not the one in the wrong. You come to me when you're ready. You know where I live.

Dear self,

When in doubt remember, you are beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful and brilliant and a rock star who has enormous capacity and potential and promise. And you do amazing things.

Dear people,

Yes, Every single individual one of you. To quote Marilyn Monroe, "I'm selfish impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." That is all.

Dear world,

You're wrong. Feelings aren't good/bad/indifferent. They just are. And it's ok to sit with them and explore them and feel them. ALL. Crying is allowed, just like laughing. And even several times a day if you need it. It's ok to express unpleasant ...even sad feelings ...even in relatively public venues such as blogs. So there.

Dear Charlotte Kasl,

Your book changed my life.

Dear bff's,

You are amazing and I love you more than life itself.

Dear New York,

I miss you terribly and will come to visit soon.

Dear Facebook,

Is it really necessary to change your format every other week? I mean it's not hard to figure out the new ones, but honestly one hasn't been better than another and quite frankly all the changing is quite irritating.

Dear Rockstar, NoSexInTheCity, and Brunette Bombshell,

Thank you for existing in the blogging world.

Dear blue sky,

I have been longing for you. Please make yourself at home and stick around for a while.

Dear dentist,

Yes, we are still friends event though you drilled through my non-numb tooth. I understand that there was nothing else that could have been done. However, this business of asking me to take an antibiotic every six hours is really pushing the limits. I sleep for more hours than six at a time, and I value my sleep more than most people understand. This business of having to set my alarm to go off one or two times in the middle of my night is not my idea of a good time, and soon I'm afraid all those I come in contact with will resent you as well. Although Starbucks may be sending you a thank-you card.

Dear bed,

Last night said it all lover.

Dear Nellie,

I appreciate you remaining in constant working condition for six whole consecutive weeks. I'm going to need you to hold on for just a bit more.

Dear blog,

This concludes my 100th post!!!!!

Sincerely to all,

Toni