Thursday, November 26, 2009

NOT another Thanksgiving post!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This post may seem as if I am abandoning all my nonconformist beliefs, but rest assured, I am NOT!!! I have just been particularly grateful for a couple things lately --in no relation to the Holiday, I would have been as equally grateful for them if it was March, and would still be blogging about it. So the fact that today is Thanksgiving is purely coincidence. Now that we've got that all cleared up...

I have the greatest sister in the world. I've been reminiscing in particular about a cross country trip the two of us made. There are songs that will always remind me of her and that trip, and so many memories that I will forever hold near and dear to my heart ...most of which make me laugh so hard --still --that it brings tears to my eyes! I rely on my sister a lot. She is someone that I know I can call at any time of day or night for any reason and she will be there for me. I love her so much!!

I also have the worlds greatest brother! Pretty lucky of me huh?! He is the sweetest most caring and genuine person on the planet. He worries about me and checks in on me regularly :) To make sure I'm well and happy and even to make sure that I'm saving enough for my retirement in the future with all the vacations I've been going on. He just worries about me because he loves me, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing protector! One of my favorite memories of my brother is when he showed up at my college apartment one day on his way to class with a giant box of goldfish crackers. He knew they were my favorite, and said that he just wanted to give them to me and say hi. See why I love this kid so freakin' much?! I have no idea how I lucked out in the family department, but I sure did! I love them more than anything in this world!

I also have been blessed with the greatest friends in the world. Friends who love me and stand by me no matter what messes I consistently and repeatedly get myself into. Friends that I can call or email and vent all my stress and tears and fears as well as all my hopes and dreams. Friends that I know will be there for me no matter what. Friends that have my back and are behind me in every way, no matter what it may cost them. I am possibly the most blessed person on the planet!

I have a lot to live up to, as you can see from this post! I hope to one day be as great a sister and friend as the amazing people I am surrounded by. This is clearly not an all inclusive list of things I am grateful for, but just a couple things that have been running through my mind lately. (I think I've said that the last two or three posts ...weird. Random ...anyways...)

Well, much love to you all. I can never adequately express how I feel about you and how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing people.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

It's the Little Things

It's funny how the little things in life can dramatically change your daily actions and attitudes. I've been thinking about two things in particular a lot lately. One day last fall I was walking to work in the busy upper west side of Manhattan. I had just gotten off the 1 train at 110th St. and was rounding the corner to get to Amsterdam St. It was a bit chilly and I was in a hurry a) to get out of the cold and b) if I hurried I would have time to stop at Starbucks before going in to work. In my hurry I walked past a man leaning against the front porch railing of an apartment complex. As is standard when walking past NYC's 8 million people every day, I didn't particularly notice. My gaze stayed straight focused on where I was going. As I passed I heard him say, "Put your head up darlin', that's too pretty a face to be looking at the ground. It's not going anywhere." Now those of you familiar with New York City will understand why this hit me by surprise. People don't talk to people in the sidewalks of New York. You don't notice other people there. Everyone is focused on getting where they have to go and on what they have to do when they get there. Even if you do notice them, you don't start random conversations with people. It's just the way things are there. If you try, you'd be likely to be told to mind your own business. I kept walking without breaking pace, but my mind did a double take. I think I may have even tossed a bewildered glance back and said thank you.

Since then I have taken an obsessive notice about how many people walk with their head angled toward the ground. For a long time I made a concerted effort to walk with my head up looking straight ahead. It was a little strange at first, but now I don't think about it at all, I just do it. But 99% of the people that you see walking down the streets or in the stores or in the park ...yada yada ...look at the ground. And it bothers me. Start paying attention, I think you'll be surprised. Watch yourself. Try it for a whole day. Keep your chin parallel to the ground and keep your gaze straight ahead. Don't even gaze downward. You'll be surprised at how different the world looks. And you'll notice how NO ONE else does it. It also changes your attitude. It makes you more confident and more positive. Just something I've been thinking about lately. Just a simple random comment from a man on the street that changed my posture and outlook on life. Permanently.

Also, apologies. I'm a very forgiving person. Many may say that I am in fact too forgiving. I may just be, but that's not the point. I recently received a very unexpected apology from one of my best friends. I'm not going to go in to the whole dramatic situation behind the apology because ...well ...I don't feel a need to test the word limit per post on this blog :) Suffice it to say that more of my tears have been shed over this situation than any other in my life. Possibly combined. And those of you who know me know that I cry a LOT. You also know that I am a great sleeper. I can sleep anywhere any time and in any situation. I lost sleep for weeks at a time. Honestly, I still am dealing with some pieces of the fallout. But I have been determined to remain friends with this person. Like I said some may say I'm too forgiving. But for whatever reason, I felt a driving need to appear "fine" and to remain friends. I was successful, and even before the apology, we were friends. I wasn't exaggerating when I said 'one of my best friends' earlier. In my mind all had been forgiven, and I had moved on. Things had been awkward for a while, but we moved past it and had been talking joking and laughing like normal for a good month or so. So when I was pulled outside at a Halloween party a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything of it. I just grabbed the hand he offered and followed. We shared a chair by the fire on the patio, and he said, "So how are you?" I thought this was a strange question, especially to pull me outside for. After all, as I said we had talked and laughed and joked on a daily basis for the last month or so. I looked at him with my head tilted and my forehead wrinkled with a confused look on my face as I said, "Iiiii'mm good... why?" He said, "Well, because I feel like you're not. I feel like you haven't been ok for a while." Not wanting to admit any sign of weakness, I said, "No, I'm good!" And I said it energetically and with a smile. To which he replied, "Toni, you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter." This guy knows me better than possibly any person on the planet. He is the only person that can literally can look right through me and tell you exactly how and why I'm feeling the way I am. I knew it was pointless to argue, but I continued to try. After a while, he just said, "Look, it's me. I know you've been having a hard time, and I know that I'm responsible for a lot of it. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for every part I had in that. You and your friendship mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I'm here if you need anything." I looked at him in shock and awe and said two words. In my shocked state it was all I could come up with. "Thank you." It was the most sincere thank you I have ever said in my life. The level to which I was touched really surprised me. I pondered for a long time about why this was, and I realized that I honestly think this was the first time in my life that anyone has actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to me. It was the first time in my entire life I had been apologized to in person with real words.

This may sound surprising, but think about how many times you have actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to someone that you've offended or been in a fight with. We throw around the words 'I'm sorry' like candy. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sorry you had to see/hear that, sorry I wasn't home, sorry I can't help you, sorry I can't get to the phone --leave a message, I'm sorry -can you help me, or a nonchalant sorry man! We throw the words around like candy, and that's ok, but I'm talking about sincere apologies to people that we've offended/deeply or personally wronged. I have been sorry about things and I have been in fights with family members and friends, and we've reconciled whatever issues we've had and gone on with life. I have implied that I 'm sorry, I've texted emailed and written the words many a time, but I don't think I've every actually said such a honest and sincere and blunt apology. And I think this is sad. I can't think of anyone I'm still holding a grudge against, or that I haven't forgiven, but it's not the same. I've made it a point to make honest sincere verbal face to face eye contact included apologies from now on. I think the world would be a better place if we all did the same. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or picked on because I certainly don't feel that way, I've been apologized to before I'm sure, just not in so many words. I appreciated it more than I can explain, and it's changed my life, really. I'm not sure that this made sense, but I just wanted to share a couple things I'd been thinking about lately.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Today's tips...

Things that have brought me out of my latest funk:

Getting involved with something bigger than myself. This latest project was my last blog entry. Still looking for donations. Every single dollar helps you guys. I mean, seriously, who doesn't have 5 bucks to donate to cancer research. I'm a fan of the prostate and testicles :) Let's save em! In all seriousness though, please check it out and help in any way you can!! Here's the link: Toni's Mo Page. It only goes through November ...don't wait till it's too late!

Of course, chatting with great friends --as always :)

Best way to get over the post vacation blues ...plan your next vacation. December. Key West, Florida. Watch out. This serves as a double bonus since it will allow me to keep up my Hawaii tan lines :)

http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/ --hilarious!!!

From this website I also discovered mystery google!!! Hours of mindless entertainment :)

I also started a nighttime notebook. It's always been hard to turn my brain off at nights, and usually I just try and wear myself out so much physically that I can't not fall asleep. The less I sleep the more dramatic I become and the more emotional and teary, and the less I can sleep. It's a vicious cycle. Well, wearing myself out hasn't been working so well lately, so in the interest of saving at least SOME benadryl and nyquil for when I may actually get sick, I started the notebook. It's a little notebook I keep by my journal by my bed. In it I write everything I can't stop thinking about. Straight up honest feelings, things I would like to say to people, things I will do the next day, wishes and hopes ...whatever thoughts that won't let my brain be quiet. It has worked wonders!!!! It seriously is amazing how much simply writing them down does. I have yet to have the thought I've written creep back in to my brain when I'm drifting off to sleep. It's like the song "as long as I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life I belong to" just Breathe ---love that song. Anyways, I highly recommend the nighttime notebook! I also started writing about the dreams I remember when i wake up. It's interesting to see the correlation between the previous nights thoughts and the nights dreams.

These things and watching less TLC and more Discovery Channel and more shows where things get blown up. More explosives, less wedding dresses and babies ...always makes me feel better :)

Just thought I'd share!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Mo-vember

Hey all! So one of my friends posted this on his myspace page, and I thought it was definately worth reposting. I mean we all felt our boobies in Oct. for breast cancer awareness month (and hopefully every other month as well ;) ) And it's time to support the flip side! I think it's an awesome foundation and a great project. I encourage everyone to support it in whatever way you can. I stole the following from his page --he explained it better than I could. It's complete with links, so hop on over and check it out! Great cause!!!

What is Movember you might ask? Movember is a month long celebration of moustache. It highlights mens health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer.

So what can YOU do?

To celebrate this glorious month of Mo, My good friend Sergio and I will be collecting donations and growing our very own Mo-ustaches. Yes, I said collecting donations, and oh yeah, we're growing our own Mo's. You can check out our pages or make a donation at: Josh's Page or Sergio's Page Or check out www.movember.com and join my team (Team name: Turn Your Head'n Cough). If you're a lady, you can sign up as a Mo-supporter, and for the fella's I encourage you to grow your own Mo! Aside from the fact that it will make you look super fantastic, Movember.com offers prizes for the best looking Mo's and for the teams that raise the most money. For those of you I don't see everyday, you can track my Mo's progress on my page, I'll be posting pictures every day. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. I encourage everyone to get involved in whatever way they can! Happy Movember!!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Today of all days...

New favorite moment. So there I was. At the grocery store in my "I-just-worked-12-hours-and-then-ran-3 miles-and-am-just-running-in-and-out-of-this-store" running pants, tank top, jacket, messy ponytail hair, and greasy face. I pull into the parking lot and pull up to park behind a car where a man was getting out. I parked, and as I was getting out of my I realized the man from the car in front of me had stopped walking into the store. He looked back, did a double take, then looked at me again. He appeared confused. I was thinking that he was irritated at me for something ...parking too close to his car perhaps? (I didn't, but you never know with drivers around here) So I smiled at him and shrugged it off. I ran into the store to get rolls for a potluck tonight at work, visions of my bed looming in my head. I got the rolls and had a sudden craving for apple juice.

So I jet over to the apple juice aisle. But on my way, I get distracted by the fruit snacks. I got monster trucks, my little pony, and build your own dinosaur (I already had the build your own bug ones at home :) ). As I'm rounding the corner toward the juice, I nearly run into parking lot man. I smile an apology, and move past him. I miss my bed. As I'm passing him, I hear him mumble, "Do you..." and I start to think he's gonna yell at me. So I walk faster bee-lining it for the apple juice. I have had an awful past few weeks, have not slept well, and have dealt with hoards of stupid people at work for 76 hours this week alone. So I'm thinking if I want to keep my nursing license (you can't have one with assault and battery charges) it's in my best interest to avoid the confrontation.

Well, he starts following me. Quickly. Not in his best interest, I mean he may be a 6'4 (ish) large black man, but in my current state of mind, I'm pretty sure I could take him. After all, as I said previously, there's no one crazier than an angry nurse :) So I turn around, and he says, "Excuse me, but you are just absolutely adorable! ...I just had to tell you that." I wish I would have had a camera for the look on my face, because I'm sure it was priceless! I quickly recovered, all my aggression dissipated. I smiled sincerely and said, "Thank you! Thank you very much!" He smiled, said "You're welcome." And we both went on with our shopping. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that! And let's take into account here my afore mentioned attire, with my arms full of fruit snacks and rolls (a typical grocery shopping trip for me ...well, except the rolls ...they go bad too quickly. Substitute crackers and/or popsicles for the rolls, and that's my once every other month shopping trip :) )

Anyway, made my day! Wanted to share :)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Ditto

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe


I'm learning to let go. It's still painful, but I'm getting better each time. Perhaps slightly more bitter, jaded, and calloused, but eventually that will go away too. I'm learning to trust only myself. I'm learning who I am still. Every day. And ya know what?! I am a beautiful person!



Also interesting...I was looking at my facebook page today (yes, my own --vain perhaps, but hey, that's me) and contemplating how much I really love my flair and how really really REALLY true some of them are!!! The ones that struck me today:

*as long as i'm going to hell i might as well do it thoroughly

*we're adults! when did that happen and how do we make it stop?!

*friends ask why you're crying, best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

*cheers bitch

*make the stupid people shut up

*have you mentally choked an unruly child today?

*i'd tell you to go to hell, but i work there and i don't want to see you every day

*it's not us, it's them. them and their stupid boy penises

And the ULTIMATE winner of the day:

THERE'S NO ONE CRAZIER THAN AN ANGRY NURSE

...cheers bitch :)



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm at it again...

My name is Toni, and I am full of emotional drama. I hate loathe and despise drama, and I can't seem to free myself from it. I'm having to have many of the same conversations with myself over and over and over again, which is just frustrating. I'm having to remind myself that feelings are feelings. It is not ridiculous to have them. If you have them you have them. Whether their good, bad, funny, angry, or whatever. It does no good to get mad at yourself over your feelings. Recognize that you have them, meet them head on, embrace them, and let them go. Fighting the way you feel gets you no where. It doesn't mean that you need to give in and be ruled by your feelings, but recognize that you have them, and deal with them so you can do what you want. You can be angry over happy feelings that you have, you can be secretly happy that you have angry feelings, you can be disappointed in the gamut of emotions that you can't escape, but it's still what it is. Enough emotional word vomit for one day :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Here it is.

The reason I'm still single. Because THIS is what's out there!

(click on the link below)

Reason some girls stay single...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Public Service Announcement

It's that magical time of year again. Flu-shot season. As a preemptive strike, I figured I'd get all my pet peeves out there to begin with. First of all, I apologize to whoever it was I was making fun of the other day for complaining that their arm ached after their flu shot. I got mine yesterday and my arm does indeed ache a bit today. So, whoever you were --I honestly don't remember --I'm sorry. Now on to the matter at hand.

You absolutely positively in no way can NOT NOT NOT get the flu from the flu shot. I assure you that it is physiologically impossible. We ask every patient who comes in the ER doors if they were vaccinated for the current or most recent flu season (thanks joint commission). I swear 90% of the people tell me that they get the flu from the flu shot. For the most part, I just bite my lip. Picking my battles if you will. As I said it is physiologically impossible. It canNOT happen. There is NO exception. I think part of the confusion comes from my second pet peeve on this topic.

The flu shot is not to prevent the stomach flu. It is to prevent influenza, the respiratory virus. Some people to get the unfortunate side effects of nausea with a possible bout of vomiting with the flu shot. This is not influenza. And quite honestly, throwing up and being nauseated for a day is much better than a week long bout of influenza where you cough up a lung, can't breath out your nose, drain rain gutters out of your sinuses, run fevers of over 101, and every muscle in your body --including ones you didn't know you had --aches.

I understand that not everyone will get flu shots, and that's ok. But at least know why you're not getting one. If you don't want it, don't think you'll get the flu (the influenza NOT stomach variety --again, just to be clear) or just don't believe in vaccinations, that's ok. But at least be educated about what the purpose actually is.

One more thing, because I foresee it being an issue. You can still get influenza if you just get the H1N1 vaccine. And you can still get H1N1 flu if you just get the normal flu shot, although your chances are less. And for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT wear masks!!! And wash your freaking hands! Wash your hands, sneeze into your elbow, not your hand, don't rub your eyes or your nose. Simple hygiene is the best way to prevent yourself from getting sick. From the flu and other colds coughs etc. One final tip --NyQuil. Best drug ever.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Decisions, Decisions

Do you ever feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't? You ponder and agonize and over analyze decisions. You think you make the right ones, and you go with what you decide is right even though it hurts like no pain you've ever felt before. It's got to get better, right? After all, you're sure this is where your life is supposed to go. So you push ahead and make the most of each day. No day but today, no time for regret. Then you realize that in spite of all that you've grown and all the great experiences you've had, that you're actually not happy. Too late to go back, you can't rewind time and change your mind. So you do what you can, you do it for you, and you're making your own way -screw the world or what anyone else thinks. And it feels good, and it's refreshing. There are still rough times, and there are still great times, but you're living for you -not for anyone else or their expectations, and that is a beautiful feeling.

Then life throws you a curveball completely out of the blue. Your head spins, your stomach fills with butterflies, and you like it. You've tied yourself down to your current path, for at least a little bit. And now you're not sure that you want that anymore. Maybe you want to be somewhere else entirely. Where you are now is ok, but you've been there for a while, and maybe you're just feeling a little clausterphobic and trapped, but maybe you really do actually want to be somewhere else. Just when you think you're settled and in the groove, you start to question decisions again. The "what ifs" drive you insane. Is this a repeat of the last decision that felt right at the time? What if you really haven't learned all that you thought you had, and you're wrong again. What's done is done. For now anyways. Only time will tell how life plays itself out. So you press forward and continue to make the most out of every moment. Make your own destiny. Forget the hauntings of perceived failures and make the most of today. Sometimes it hurts, and life is not a fairytale. Sometimes people have everything you ever wanted and they don't appreciate it. Sometimes you don't understand how people can be so terrible and careless with the treasures they are blessed with. But overall, life is better than the fairytale. It is what you make it. And no matter where you are, there are people who are worse off. There is always someone you can help, and helping others puts your focus where it should be. Keep your head in the game. This poem was written by one of my good friends, and I think it's amazing.

The playbook was written eons ago,
actions determined before my birth,
evolving over time with situations
into this new age capsule that holds
no promises of a joint tomorrow,
nor any hope for fairy dust and tales
to re-emerge as your new reality.
Instead, this new capsule is padded
with cynicism and wires of openness,
and one should swallow this capsule
with caution and buckets of pragmatism
or it will oil up your throat, choke you
and make you wish your heart had died.
Keeping your head in the game
means keeping your sanity unlocked,
this playbook does not forgive easily,
nor does it forget any lapse in judgement,
as it has no space or literature
to allow for tenderness and gentleness.
Wonderland is no longer an option, Alice,
so pack up your teacups and make haste,
readjust your head to fit the game,
reconfigure your notions of that
rainbow of joint tomorrows dusted by
those old, odd, comforting fairy tales...
this is the stuff with which dreams are killed
this playbook of life, bereft of time and nostalgia,
takes absolutely no prisoners.
--Mercy Mkhana Simiyu

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Dayshift Experiment

So I've been working at the same hospital for a combined year and a half. As a traveller. Now that I'm becoming "staff" I have to go through general hospital and patient care services orientation. I do not like hoops. And I don't like wasting my time. I've spent all week getting paid to sit in a chair, roll my eyes, and being so bored I could claw my own eyes out. The up side is that it's all during the day. It's really like a whole week off. I get to sleep at night for a whole week in a row and be awake all day every day for a week. This is very nice. It's amazing how you don't even realize how zombie like you are until you see how normal people get to function :) Being awake during the day is great ...and the short break from cpr and wrestling drunk crazy patients is nice in theory ...but there's a reason I got my degree in nursing and not business. There's a reason that I work in the ER and not on the floors. I do NOT sit well. Every day when orientation is done I literally jump up and RUN out of the room. Then I run a LOT at the lake when I get home just to release all the pent up energy. The great thing is that there's a lot of time in the days!!! I can work all day, run for a couple hours and still have daylight left! I can still go to dinner and hang out with friends, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. It's amazing! Being awake in so much sunlight though has necessitated the purchasing of new sunglasses. Yes, my old cracked Chanel sunglasses from NY will finally rest in peace. I had to get new ones.

Not much else has been going on lately. Lots of time spent with lots of GREAT friends. A few songs that have been running through my brain's internal iPod:

Goodbye --Kristina DeBarge
One Headlight --The Walflowers
Danny's Song --Kenny Loggins
Easy --Commodores

...and as always:

Dock of the Bay --Otis Redding



Here's all the wasted paper to go along with all my wasted time at hospital orientation :) And my new "official" nametag --woot woot!
Here's me awake, outside, and in the daylight!! (in my rockin new sunglasses :) )

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

She's he-ere!!!

Dun-dun-dun-DUN!!! That's right folks, the long awaited day has finally arrived. My Queen Simmons Beautyrest World Class Prague Visco Latex Plush Super Pillowtop Mattress Set has been delivered!!! And yes that's the entire name ...and yes, it's worth every word of the name. I really don't think I'll be getting out of bed very much anymore ...only when absolutely necessary :)



Isn't she beautiful?!





I'm going to have to run and jump to get on this thing!


Here I am! This is where I'll be for the next ...well ...foreseeable future :)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

New Beginnings

So I got a new phone today. Which is great. I love it. It has a fabulous camera and all sorts of stuff that I will likely never use but felt a need to have anyways. When you get a new phone the nice guys at the phone store transfer over all of your contacts and pictures and stuff. Stuff except text messages. I am very grateful that I don't have to spend hours manually transferring contacts over, and am very glad to not loose any of the pictures that I didn't have saved to my memory card. The thing that I'm having a hard time with is the inability to transfer text messages.

Years ago on the tv show Sabrina the Teenage Witch, there was part of an episode where there was this magic closet that you opened the door and on the inside was a room full of people shouting compliments at you and telling you how wonderful you were. So anytime Sabrina was having a hard day she could just open the door instantly she was met with the shouts of strangers that made her feel better. Similarly, in my high school psychology class we made little cards where we wrote genuine original compliments about three people of your choosing in the class. We wrote these compliments on the persons given 3x5 card and our teacher laminated them for us. It was really nice to have around.

On my old phone I had several text messages from various people that had things that could always make me feel better or feel less alone, or more encouraged, or whatever I needed to get through the day. I had them all saved, and I looked through them often, kind of like my own closet of complimenting people. Now I'm without those. I'm also without the "I love you" and "You're beautiful and wonderful and I can't imagine my life without you" texts of an old relationship. This is a weird sort of almost closure. The relationship ended amicably, for the most part. We're in the process of being best friends, but it's weird because we leaped right over the just friends part in the beginning of the relationship. And WOW is being just friends hard!!! I don't know that you're supposed to be able to be best friends after you break up with your first love, but I am absolutely determined that I'm going to, and we are friends ...he is still the best friend I have out here, and knows me better than anyone else, ...and this is not the point of this post... The point is, over the millions of text messages sent and received over the course of the relationship there were a precious few that I still had saved. Even now 18 months after it started and 5 months since it ended.

It's one more stage of love recovery. I've lost track of how many stages there have been, which is kind of a shame, because the book could have been a best seller, but you know what I mean. Break up ...mutually ...and cry. Feel better, then cry some more. Then feel better. Then go out with someone new, then cry because you're moving on, and no one can compare quite yet. Then feel better. Then cry when he dates someone new because he's moving on, and you're not quite sure how she compares to you in his mind, then feel better when you realize it's kind of ok because you moved on too. It's like going up baby stairs. Every one is physically painful and emotionally draining, and it seems like they're never ending, but each one gets you to higher ground. It's been a LOOONG process for me. Even when I met someone new who is wonderful and fabulous and I'm pretty sure I'm falling pretty hard for. He went back home 3000 miles away. So I'm also mourning the loss of butterfly inducing texts I saved from starting a new relationship, and the yearning I miss you's of that whole new relationship. They're not on my new phone. It's like a whole new blank canvas. Exciting and scary and sad. I think I'll be hanging on to my old phone for a while. At least until I can write my favorite text messages from family friends and loves on something more tangible and permanent. And acid free.

I love my new phone and can't wait to save all kinds of new and exciting messages that make me smile laugh and cry, but I will miss my old texts a LOT!!! I suppose this is one of my crazy girly sentimental issues that I usually try to keep hidden. Oops :) it's out! Lol!

Friday, July 17, 2009

When Shoes are Required...

My life currently...




I've been up to my neck workin' 6 days a week

wearin' holes in the soles of the shoes on my feet

been dreamin' of gettin' away since I don't know

Ain't no better time than now..for Mexico



No shoes, no shirt, no problems

Blues what blues..hey i forgot 'em

The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand with no bottom

and no shirt, no shirt, n' no problems! No problems



Want a towel on a chair in the sand by the sea

want to look through my shades and see you there with me

Want to soak up life for a while In laid back mode

No boss, no clock, no stress, no dress code



No shoes, no shirt, no problems

Blues what blues hey i forgot 'em

The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand with no bottom

and no shoes, no shirt, 'n no problems



Babe lets get packed..tank tops and flip flops if u got 'em

No shoes, no shirt, no problems

No problems.





But if one must wear shoes ...these ones are pretty great!


Thank You Kenny Chesney and Nordstrom's for today's retail therapy inspiration! :)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

And the Star Spangled Banner in Triumph shall wave!

I've spent hours staring and marvelling at the spacious skies while laying on my back on a grassy hill on a warm summers day. I've spent hours pondering the spacious skies at night and all the star-lit wonders to be found. I've driven through waves and waves of amber colored grain ready to harvest. I've driven through several states where all there was to see was beautiful perfectly straight rows of corn for miles in every direction. I grew up looking forward to the majesty of the purple and blue mountains that surrounded my home at dusk each night.


I've walked pulling hand-carts in the footprints made by pilgrims feet. Feet who beat a thoroughfare of freedom across the wilderness. I'm two generations removed from heroes proved in the strife of World War II. I'm friends with active-duty heroes proved in every day liberating strife abroad currently. Friends who are looking forward to brilliant firework explosions instead of that of warfare --the explosions they saw last 4th of July.


I often consider the patriots dreams our forefathers had that saw beyond their years. And I too have dreams that I'd like to think see beyond my years. I've lived in the alabaster glow of the biggest city in the Nation. I've lived in and seen the alabaster glow of several cities across the US --not dimmed, but brightened by the blood sweat and tears of the people who make the cities thrive by living out their American dreams.


Irving Berlin once wrote:


While the storm clouds gather far across the sea,
Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free,
Let us all be grateful for a land so fair,
As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer:


God Bless America, Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America,
My home sweet home.


May God truly bless America. We are so fortunate to live in the land that we do. I grew up in the mountains I've driven across the country through the prairies and stuck my toes in both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, white with foam. There is no place better than the Land we live in. Wherever you live. It's beautiful.


I spent today on Lake Merridian in WA at the home of one of the physicians I work with. I sat on the dock, I swam and played in the lake, we barbequed, I ate apple pie and watermelon slices. I lounged on the dock and watched an immaculate sunset followed by a brilliant fireworks display over the water. And I had watched the Yankees play ball earlier in the day (sadly, it was not in person but on tv ...still though) It was just about as American of a day as you can get.


And still on the way home, a few tears escaped, longing for home. No fireworks show I've seen compares to Logan's. Seriosly. And, more importantly, no matter how old I get or where I am geographically located ...no matter the brilliance and patriotism and camaraderie of the day... To me the 4th of July will always be me in my pigtails waking up at the crack of dawn with my family excited to go to the Lewiston and Hyrum parades in small farming towns in Utah. It will always be rodeos and weenie-roasts over a camp fire. It will always be popsicle-sticky faces and watermelon seed-spitting contests with my brother sister and cousins. It will always be huddling on one little small blanket in a corner of our front yard with my little brother and little sister --trying our hardest to keep our drooping eyes open and watching dad light our family fireworks, one by one from the box on the tailgate of his truck. It will always be ending the night with sparklers hoping that a stray spark doesn't fly away and light one of my braided pigtails on fire. It will always be getting tucked into bed with a kiss on my forehead as I sigh with an satiated and exhausted grin, "What a good day mom! Good-night, I love you!"


So in the absence of all that, I've brushed my teeth and gotten all ready for bed. I'm about to tuck myself into bed, and I just wanted to say, "I had a good day today Mom, Dad, Cody, Chelsea, and Heidi, but I missed you all! Good-night, I love you!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Food for thought....

Couple thoughts running through my increasingly jaded and cynical mind:

I LOVE the 4th of July. It's my all time favorite holiday ...and I actually have it off this year yay!!! So here's the thing. Why do office people need to take Friday off? Oh no, a holiday falls on a weekend when we already have the day off, we better give ourselves an extra weekday off to make up for it. We can't have a holiday pass without giving you desk people bank people and post office people an extra un-needed non-holiday day off. This would be tragic. Yes, I work nights weekends and holidays like it was any other time, any other day. I chose it, and I wouldn't trade it, but I don't understand why you all get a day off when it's not a holiday, just because you already have the actual holiday off. It makes no sense.

Also, I hate the post office. Remember the episode of Friends when Monica and Joey are discussing that Joey's mom wasn't actually invited to Mon and Chandler's wedding, but Joey told her she was, and she was all offended that she hadn't received an official invitation yet? Joey told Monica to just blame it on the post office because his parents hated the post office. I have become Joey's parents. I hate the post office. I hate going there, I hate parking there, I hate waiting in line there, I don't like it any more when there isn't a line, I hate talking to the people there, I hate mailing things, I hate buying stamps, I think its rediculous that the price of stamps keeps going up. I don't understand why I can't just send letters via ups or fedex. I have no real reason for my disdain, and I don't feel I need an actual reason. I just don't like it. And I haven't for a while. It just keeps getting worse. I think the post office knows I don't like them and as retribution doesn't deliver all my mail. This has been a problem since I moved here. The chances are about 50/50 on whether the items you send actually get here if you send them via the post office. Letters or packages --large and small. Most recently I had to wait 6 weeks to get a package that was sent and that I should have received in three days. Max. My friend who sent the package asked if I still had what she sent, and if I did -could I please take pics of it for her. This is how I figured out I didn't have it. She contacted the post office she sent it from, and they told her they couldn't do anything for 30 days. I contacted the post office here and they said there was nothing they could do. Two weeks later, what mysteriously appears in my mailbox? The missing package. I hate the post office. So, should anyone feel a need to send me packages and presents for my birthday (you still have 9 days) I recommend you send them ups or fedex.

Those are my two annoyances for the day :) On the upside I spent a lovely full day at the lake today and it was fabulous. 85 and sunny all week! :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Points 1, 2, & 3

First of all ...Nellie has made it past another small hurdle. I just don't know that I can ever give her up! So lately (for the past couple weeks) She'd been having a hard time every time I'm stopped at a red light or stop sign. This does not help my propensity to not stop at stop signs I don't think should be there. Not the point. Anyways, so she does great as long as I'm moving and pushing on the gas, but as soon as she has to idle, she sputters and tries to die. She hasn't died yet, but I often have to continually rev the engine while at stop lights. When she does this, the radio often blinks in and out. I've been really just trying to ignore it, thinking that it would eventually go away. Actually I was just afraid that if I got took her in, it would be too expensive to fix and I would be forced to just get a new car. So friends at work the other day were asking how my car was doing. They think my road trip adventures are quite entertaining. So I told Josh and Jose the latest on poor Nellie. Good news! According to the smart boys, my battery cables are just loose, and I quote, "Just go home and tighten them with your socket wrench, it'll be fine." To which I replied, "My what?" I know what a socket wrench is, but I don't have one laying around the house. This was also fairly entertaining apparently. I could have followed them home and they would have fixed it for me, but I need my oil changed too, so on my list of things to do today is get my oil changed at the place up the hill that also installs batteries so that they can tighten the cables for me.

Points 2 & 3: Funny tidbits of conversations I overheard at work last night.

Sandy (unit clerk) to person on phone: "I'm sorry that you're too high to drive yourself to the hospital, maybe your neighbor that you got high with can give you a ride." Several seconds later, "Well sir, I'm sorry that your belly hurts after you drank too much and pickled your liver, but that really isn't my fault, you'll need to find your own way in to the hospital, we don't have anyone to pick you up." I almost got on the phone to inform him that we didn't have anyone to take him home either, should his drunk and high self make it to the ER. Retard.

Dr. Sternfeld to family member of patient that eloped while he was in the process of being admitted for pneumonia: "He is at home? He can't be at home, he needs to be at the hospital. He's very sick. Can you bring him back?" ... "He's doesn't feel well? I know he doesn't feel well, that's why he needs to come to the hospital" ... "He can't stay too late because he's sick?" ... "Yes, he is sick, that is why he needs to be in the hospital." At this point I had to leave to take care of my sick patient, but I asked later because I was thoroughly entertained by this conversation. Apparently this man's family decided that it took to long being in the hospital (he'd been there for 2 hours) so they'd just take him home. Then they decided that he didn't feel well enough to leave the house ...to come back to be admitted to the hospital. People kill me.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

All the crafty people...

So lately, I've been ...for lack of a better term ...bombarded with the craftiness of people around me! Maybe bombarded is the wrong word, since I not only thoroughly enjoy it, but benefit from it. Anyways, so this is a collection of the amazing things that these amazing people I know made for me! The pink and black quilt is one that my grandma made me ...she made it all by hand. Isn't it amazing?! It's the perfect quilt for cuddling up in on the couch to watch a movie! I love it! The orange brown and blue bag is one that my friend Kristy made me --and it to is AMAZING! It can fit EVERYTHING in it! All my work stuff and my purse stuff and treats! Kristy is amazing and makes all kinds of cute, can't live without it stuff ...you can check it out here. The casserole dish is one that my fantastic mom made me --it has "Toni's Treats" etched in the glass on the side ...it didn't come out very well in the pic. She gave it to me last time I was home along with the magnet recipe holder that she made. I have the most amazing mom ever. And the most amazing family and friends ever! Aren't they all great?! Thanks guys!!!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I've done it ...

Well, almost. I have almost vacationed myself out. Almost. It's been a pretty stellar last couple weeks, but I am exhausted!!!! Apparently not too exhausted to blog this quick post with my eyelids at half-mast :) So after working 6 days in a row, I went on the road trip I told you about last post. I flew home on Saturday in time to go to work for twelve hours, sleep for 12, work for twelve more. I got off work in time to go home and grab my bag and head to the airport. I played in the SoCal sunshine at the beautiful beaches in the perpetually sun-drenched gorgeous Orange County. I didn't realize how much I missed Orange County. I missed it a lot! So Monday was the beach, then the pool at the Disneyland Hotel where I was staying with my friend Siobhan and her family. When the pool closed we hit up Downtown Disney. Good times!!! I miss ESPN zone! We got back to the hotel in time to sleep for a couple hours in time to wake up and spend a full day at California Adventure and the Happiest Place on Earth. We ended the day at the pool again, and made it to bed in time for me to sleep a full 6 hours so I could get up and board my plane back to Seattle to make it to 8 hours of work, followed by the winding down of the birthday celebrations of one of the nurses I work with. So now, I'm exhausted. I'm so tired I'm delirious, and I almost go to the point today where I was DONE with vacations. All I wanted to do was sit in my apartment by myself and be lame and not do one darn thing. Then I re-evaluated. It will be nice to have a full day off Saturday, but I can't wait for my next adventure!!!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

So there I was.

I had three days off in a row this past week and I have been itching to see my friends Danielle's new baby. And I have been dying to see my bff from high school, Kristy, and her cute family. And I have been in a strange funk lately. I figured it would be great to get out in the car with just me the road and my ipod and just think a few things out --road trip therapy. To let myself think about the boys and the friends and the job and the location, and just spend some quality me time. So I decided to take a spur of the moment random road trip. Kristy and Danielle knew that I was coming, but my family did not, I thought it would be fun to surprise them by just showing up. So I leave at 0330 on Thursday morning --12 hours without sleep, planning on getting to Kristy's house at about 1300. About 100 miles into the drive, there is this most random scenic outlook post. Every time I pass it I wonder what on earth there is to scenically view, there is nothing for miles around and it's pretty flat, so I figured you could get the same effect from looking out your windows as you drive. Well, this time, since I was being random and spontaneous anyways, I decided to follow the exit and see what was up there. It actually was really pretty, especially since the sun was just coming up.


BUT, as I was slowing down and turning off on the exit to go to this new scenic outlook spot, my car made a noise reminiscent of chewbbacca in the star wars movies. It was an awful grinding sound, but it was only there when I turned my wheel slightly to the left. Since it went away when I straightened out the wheel and was not there when I turned right, I figured it would be fine until I finished the remaining 600 miles. I mean, how often to you veer left while on the freeway, and besides, but check engine light wasn't on, my gas mileage was the same, and my breaks appeared in perfect working order. So I turned up the volume on the stereo and continued singing at the top of my lungs to the music. BonJovi, Kenny, and lots of good random mixes. The sound continues when I try to turn the wheel left, but everything else is wonderful. I felt instantly rejuvenated by all the clean country air and wide open spaces. And there were SO many baby cows along the way! I said hi to all of them. I am by no means a country farm girl and have never even been to the south, but I decided listening to Rodney Adkins, 'What I Love About the South' and 'These are my People' was in order. Good times.

Fast forward the rest of the morning, and into the afternoon. I pull up in front of Kristy's house and she and her two darling boys are sitting in the front yard 'watering' the plants. Kristy is actually watering, the boys are enjoying playing with the wilting flowers she had pruned out. Hugs and kisses out of the way, we sit and chat on the front yard, and got caught up like old times. This to me is the test of a true friendship. We have been friends forever, but haven't lived in the same state for years, or seen each other in ages, and every time we talk on the phone or see each other it is like no time has passed at all. There is never an awkward moment where you have to wonder how to fill the silence. So we chatted, and we ran to the fabric store so she could get new fabric for AMAZING bags and accessories that she makes... you must check them out ...go here now! Do it!! We also stop by this most amazing grocery store with aisles and aisles of the bulk bins that you thought were so magical when you were little. Turns out, they're still pretty entertaining! They have EVERYTHING in these bins!

When we were done Brady was getting off work and we all went for a picnic at the falls by their house. Pics to be posted later. We really just had an entire fabulous day of chatting and playing and making mint covered oreos... and chatting some more. I woke up and left after a yummy breakfast of muffins made from the bin mix from the grocery store ...SO good!! The nose continued in my car, but I was only 2 hours from my parents house now, so I figured it could totally wait till then. So I get to my parents house, walk in, and the surprise was priceless. Hugs and kisses out of the way, I tell my mom that I need to take Nellie (my car) to the shop down the way from our house. She follows me, I explain to the man behind the desk what was going on, and we leave. We're sitting home waiting for Cody and Chelsea to come over so we can all go to lunch, and the mechanic calls. The conversation goes something like this:

Mechanic: "So we have your car here, and the ball joint is completely shredded from one side of your car. It will take x-amount of dollars for parts and labor."

Me: "Sounds great. And it can be done today? I'm leaving early in the morning."

Mechanic: "Yeah, that will be no problem. I took it out for a drive for a couple minutes, heard the noise, and was scared that I wasn't going to make it back to the shop!"

Me: "Yeah, so it's probably not great that I drove it 700 miles from Seattle?"

Mechanic: "LIKE THAT???!!!!" *I can just see the look on his face here ...it will mirror the one on my dad's face when I tell him. Not looking forward to that* "It's a wonder you made it all that way like that. We'll get it fixed."

Me: "Thank you!"

So my family thinks I'm funny --albeit slightly retarded for actually driving my car like that, but they were really just glad to see me. We go shopping and I have dinner with Danielle and meet her beautiful new baby boy and her boyfriend. Company was fabulous, food ...not so much. I get home and repeat the same surprise scene with my dad, and then my mom tells me that when she and my sister picked Nellie up form the shop, she was making an awful squealing noise. This is not good. I have to leave at 0330 to make it back in time for a short nap before working the next day. My dad and I take it for a drive to check it out, and my dad informs me that I CANNOT drive my car with the awful squealing that is taking place on the tire that they fixed the ball joint on. Long story slightly shorter, my random road trip to surprise my family resulted in me flying home today, and my dad and sister taking a random road trip of their own to return my fixed car to me on Monday. They will stay at my apt Monday night, and leave the car at the airport when they fly home on Tuesday. This way, the car will be there for me when I fly back from Disneyland on Wednesday. Wow. Good times right?! I think I'm going to need a new car before I decide to take many more random spur of the moment road trips. For now though, I'm off to work, where hopefully someone will have a miraculous idea on how to pop my left ear that I was sure was going to explode when we started the descent into Seattle.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Meh...

I'm still alive :) I just haven't felt much like blogging lately. I'm heading on a super short (timewise) and super long (mile wise) road trip this weekend to visit a couple friends and their new babies ...maybe I'll feel like blogging later.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm not ready

So tonight I said goodnight, and we'll see you soon to my blind date from 7 days ago. I'm not quite at the point where I can tell you about it without a bunch of blubbering girl emotion with lots of tears behind it, so give me a while --maybe next week. The date went well, and we hung out pretty much all the time that I was not working or that we weren't sleeping since then. I liked him, we had a good time, I learned a lot, and I am a better person for knowing him and he flies 3000 miles away in 5 hours. Such is my life :)

Saturday, May 16, 2009

...So...

The date went well. Really well. I'll write more later --perhaps after rounds two and three on Monday and Tuesday. Next Friday is gonna suck!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A different take...

So here I am. I'm sitting home wasting time online, captivated by the TV show Gangland on the History Channel. Have you ever watched it? Fascinating! Anyway, I'm trying to keep my mind off my blind date tomorrow. I need to try harder because my attempts thus far are failing miserably.

I've actually never been set up on a blind date before in my entire 26 years of existence. I have never complained about that fact, I have really been ambivalent about the whole situation. On the one hand, everyone has an awful blind date story, and I didn't feel a need to have one of my own. On the completely opposite end of the possibility spectrum, several of my friends have met their spouses when they were set up on blind dates.

I am still ambivalent about the fact that it's a blind date. And really, I don't think of it as a blind date since we've talked via facebook and myspace for the last month. One of the nurses I work with is setting me up with her married daughter's ex-boyfriend who's coming in to town this weekend from Boston. This will surprise many of you. First of all, I'm going out with someone older than me. Second of all, he's white. Third of all, he's from Boston. Some of you are now wondering why this is weird. Well, I tend to gravitate to younger men, I am very much a tall dark and handsome (dark as in ...well dark) person, and --well if I need to explain the Boston thing, you don't know me well enough to be reading my blog :) If this applies to any of you out there, I'm glad you're reading, but I'm not going to waste my time explaining. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.

So, here's the thing. I'm nervous. Not that it will be awkward, or that it will be weird, or that it won't work out. Rather, I'm nervous that it will work out. This is the over-analytical girl part of me that will analyze every possible situation before it could ever presents itself. So here's my preemptive disclaimer: I realize that this is a first date with someone who lives on the other end of the country that in all likelihood, I will never see again. I know.

But I'm moving on. And I'm nervous to move on. For the first time since my last relationship, I'm actually excited to be meeting and going out with someone new. And I'm nervous that I'm excited. In a weird twisted way, I don't want it to work out. I won't be able to handle going through that again if it works for a while and then ends. Thinking about delving into another relationship and the possibilities that that entails is exhausting, and I just don't think I'm there yet. So I'll go tomorrow and try my hardest to act like a normal person, and I'm sure once I'm there it will be fine.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I needed to vent for a minute. My best friend here is my last relationship. While we're still best friends, I don't think he's my best option to talk it out with. My best girl-friend here is at work and not the biggest fan of my the just-mentioned friend, so I can give myself the speech she would give me, but I still can't talk to her about it until she's off in the morning. And Daniellita's phone is off ...I'm hoping for her sake that she's not having her baby :) So I vented to all of you online. Posting about my first blind date experience to come later ...for better or for worse :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I want one!

An Australlian of my very own! Without violating too many HIPPA laws, 37 yo single male with gorgeous dark complexion and brown messy sexy hair of just the perfect length, a propensity for bmx bike stunting and racing, and the good fortune (okay, my good fortune, for him I'm sure it sucked) to crash while performing said stunts. He ended every conversation with "cheers then" in an accent that made me forget where I was going next. Clearly it was meant to be. Too bad the nurse that sent me on break discharged him without giving him my number! The nerve! Ah, well. Such is life :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Today's List of Grievances

Ahem. Today's list of people that have pissed me off, and my suggestions to them.

To the ACLS people. There needs to be a separate class for those of us who work in the ER and to this stuff all day every day. That way when I go to renew my certification I do not want to stab all the stupid people in the eye with a rusty spoon. Also all the people who are taking the class but have never seen/ran a code in their 85 years of existence will not get scared when the medic-instructor and I get in a battle of who can outlast who in the "save the patient" scenarios. Having a separate class would greatly improve satisfaction of your students from all backgrounds.

To the WA DOL. Your state sucks. Not the state itself, because I quite like it here. But the drivers are awful. All of them. And it is WAY to hard to get your car licensed in this state. Because you are making me jump through needless hoops and perform countless menial tasks to make my car worthy to drive on your roads, I have a list of demands for you. You may start by revoking each and every drivers license in the state with the exception of a short list of people I will send you. All revoked-licensees will need to go back to drivers ed and start all over with the basics. The very basics. When they have passed the basics according to my satisfaction, they must pass an advanced class on things such as going somewhere between the speed limit and 10mph over at all times, accelerating to freeway speeds on the on-ramps --that's what they're there for ...and similarly, not slowing down a mile before your exit. Also included in the advanced class are instructions on how to be courteous, use turn signals appropriately, and keep slower traffic to the right, reserving the left lanes for passing lanes. After passing the advanced class, they may receive their brand new shiny licenses which will be subject to revocation at any time for not following the rules learned in training. This may be done at a moments notice be myself and the list of authorized drivers I told you about earlier. You must also fix all your roads. Once they are all paved, you may maintain them by illegalizing snow chains except by 18-wheeled vehicles in canyon passes in snow storms. There is no need for 4-cylinder vehicles to have snow chains on while driving around town because the weatherman said there may be light flurries of snow today. This should not be hard, since the same principle will be covered in the new drivers course. While you are repaving each and every road, you will also need to make I-5 and I-405 each 6-lane freeways at all times between Tacoma and Everett. Along with the I-90 and 520 bridges from Seattle to Bellevue. Two lanes is ridiculous. You will also need to eliminate the lane sharing of enterin-exiting freeway vehicles. This is just asking for trouble with all the idiots you have driving around here. This is a good start. Once you have completed these tasks, I will re-evaluate and let you know any further improvements that need to be made. ***see special story below***

To CNN. I hate you. You have successfully created mass hysteria in hoards of people with no medical knowledge and convinced them they are going to die of a strange new exotic disease --swine flu. Guess what. It's freaking influenza. The treatment is NO different than influenza from humans, birds, whales, or the monsters under your bed. Yep, people are dying from it. But guess what. People are dying from normal human influenza too. Thank you for making my life hell because you had a slow news day, and felt a need to blow this out of proportion. You must now be present at each ER across the nation take care of the throng of non sick people you sent to us. They are now your responsibility and not mine, do with them what you wish. In the meantime, I'm going to invent a flu called the "I'm a dumb mo-fo flu" that way when people come in and say, "I want to be tested for the 'I'm a dumb mo-fo flu'" I can say, "You have it, GO HOME!!!"

That is all my grievances for today.

*************************************************

So here's a good 'ER personality' story for the day. Many of you have heard me talk about, or know for yourself what an ER personality is. We really are a breed unto ourselves. This is why we're all friends. We are all know-it-all-problem-solvers with what some might call a bitchy edge. We like our info straight up. Don't mess around give it to us straight and get to the point. Normal rules don't apply to us, and we have no patience for people who get in our way or slow us down. So the other night at work we were all talking and Peter (one of the docs that was on) says, "So I was driving to work today going 80mph talking on my cell phone by myself in the car ...in the carpool lane, when I realized I was tailgating a police officer, so I crossed back over the white lines to get around the cop." Timeout for those of you who didn't get it. The speed limit is 60mph. Talking on your cell phone is illegal. As is driving in the carpool lane when there is only you in the car. As is crossing a double white line. So this was an impressive story, but the reason it was funny is that three of us piped in with, "I did the EXACT thing the other day!" With small variations, including expired tabs, etc. These are rules that should not exist for those people on my list of drivers. You know who you are. You are the same people who will be on the committee of drivers-license patrolling mentioned in grievance #2. Which reminds me of one more thing to add on to grievance #2. There are two stop signs by my house that do not need to be there. I don't even slow down for them, you may as well just remove them. Thank you.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sights of Spring

It's coming! It really is!!! I love spring!!!

driving across the I90 floating bridge at sunset

Out my window


I looked out the window and what did I see...

Pretty flowers at the drive-through at Starbucks :)

At the apt

I heart Alki Beach

Me Siobhan and Serena at Alki

Pretty! On the way home from work one morning.

More info than you probably want to know

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My face

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
the same color as 97% of my hoodies ...navy blue

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
yes ...like now?

4. Do you plan outfits?
yes, sometimes planning what cute things I'm gonna wear is the only thing that can get me out of bed early in the morning :)

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Yanks and Sox are about to play ...I'm excited ...I love Andy Pettitte!!!!

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
Honestly, I have not a single red thing in eyesight. And it actually has nothing to do with my answer to #5

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
I try to actually say words rather than spell them, so I of course say aim. I don't instant message so I have no reason to do otherwise.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
My pet whale was swimming by my house made of windows on the water. It was a humpback whale, not an orca, but I'll take it.

9. Did you meet anybody new today?
If we're going on the 24 hour clock version of today, then I met a few new people early this morning at the bbq

10. What are you craving right now?
see #3

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
mmm, I <3 cabbage!

13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
Never

14. Are you emotional?
Hahahahaha. Um, yeah.

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
I don't know what that it, but it sounds like something I would do.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
I think I might have started once when I was little, then I got bored and realized I had better things to do ...like play.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I have a philosophy about this. Shocking I know. Eating an ice cream cone is like making out, no teeth need to be involved, but licking and lips are ok ...I'm not going into more detail, if you need more details, come visit me and we'll go get ice cream.

18. Do you like your hair?
love it

19. Do you like yourself?
yep --who wouldn't?

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yep

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
mmm!

22. What are you listening to right now?
baseball tonight on the tv waiting for the game to start

23. How many countries have you visited?
Two. Sad.

24. Are your parents strict?
No, they don't really need to be. I'm a pretty good kid.

25. Would you go sky diving?
Abso-freaking-lutely! On my list of things to do this summer!

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Sure

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
No, I'm not five.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
does my diamond necklace count?

29. Have you ever been in a castle?
Hirst castle in cali, and disneyland!

30. Do you rent movies often?
not really

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
Haven't taken a math class since my first semester in college, and I technically only went to class on test days. It was stats 1040 and I had just finished ap calculus, I had NO reason to go to class.

32. Have you made a prank phone call?
Ah, the days before caller id!

33. Do you own a gun?
a bubble gun ...it's out of batteries though

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
Um, yeah, but I'm not that bored ...and Derek's up to bat in 2 minutes!!!!!

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
as of now it's lookin like DJ and the yankees ...unless Siobhan or Serena call.

36. Brown or white eggs?
As a general rule I like brown things better than white, but eggs are eggs

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
no ...every time I go in that store i feel like i have a flashing light above my head saying 'i don't belong here'

38. Ever been on a train?
yep --love em. Can't live in the northeast without being one one a time or two

39. Like the person your dating?
I don't think I'm technically dating anyone... but i'm still friends with the last person i dated

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
yes

41. Are you too forgiving?
yes

42. Do you use chap stick?
one of the best inventions ever

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
dunno

44. Can you use chop sticks?
yes

45. Ever have cream puffs?
yeah, not my favorite

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
no

47. What was the last question you asked?
see #28

48. What was the last CD you bought?
oh goodness ...the last actual cd ...I honestly have no clue

49. Boys or girls?
boys

50. What is your bus number for school?
no school, no bus, again, I'm not five

51. Is your hair curly?
yup

52. Last time you cried?
last night

53. Ever walked into a wall?
lol not that I recall

54. Do looks matter?
yes

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
sad to admit this ...but the last person i slapped was my mom when i was about ten. it only happened the one time. i have never been in so much trouble in my life. and rightly so.

57. Favorite time of the year?
summer ...and march madness, and october baseball

58. Favorite color?
today -blue

59. Are you sarcastic?
yep

60. Do you have any tattoos?
nope

61. The last person you held hands with?
josh

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
not on purpose, i've fallen asleep a time or two during a movie

63. Where was your default picture taken at?
canooing through central park nyc

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
i don't hate anyone, but i have a pretty long list of people i'd be ok not seeing ever again ...all of them are work related

65. Do you like your life right now?
for the most part

66. How often do you talk on the phone?
as little as possible ...unless you're a cute boy

67. What is your favorite animal?
shamu ...and dolphins

68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
lays potato chips to take to the bbq last night

69. Do you have good vision?
with my contacts in

70. Can you hula hoop?
mmm-hmm

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
someone who cheated on me? I would like to say no, but see #41

72. Do you have a job?
yep, it's how i ...buy stuff. (i <3 friends)

73. Can you handle the truth?
always, give it to me straight or don't give it to me at all

74. What are you wearing?
yellow tank top

75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
not since i was little

Thursday, April 16, 2009

It's Official!!!!!!

Well, beat the drum and hold the phone --the sun came out today!
I'm born again, there's bluegrass on the field!
Roundin' third and headin for home, it's a brown eyed handsome man...
Anyone can understand the way I feel!


Oh, put me in coach! I'm ready to play, today!
Put me in coach, I'm ready to play --today!
Look at me, I can be centerfield!


Ah! That's right folks, baseball is BACK!!! Woohoo! And the sun did come out today, and I did feel born again and there was bluegrass on the field --Kentucky Bluegrass for those of you less familiar with the finer tunings and groomings of a professional baseball field. It's official, baseball is back, and I went to my first game tonight. And it was fabulous. This is the best time of year --seriously! There is just something about baseball. I went with my friend Siobhan to see the Mariners play the Angels. We sat on the 5th row of the 1st baseline --right by the dugout. I literally worried a couple times because my peanut shells were falling in the dugout --we were that close. Good thing the dugout was a pig-sty and you couldn't really differentiate my peanut shells from the used powerade cups and sunflower seed shells and other clutter ...seriously ...messy boys! Some of you may be wondering who allowed me to be that near the dugout. Well, I'm not going to tell you, because that wasn't the point of me telling you our seating location.

The point is, there was a group of 21-22 year old boys sitting in front of us who had happened upon front row tickets. A once in a lifetime opportunity. And they were having the time of their lives. And so were we. Not only because we got included in the dancing and screaming and high-fiving and celebrating of every good thing that happened, but because we were at a baseball game! That's what baseball is. It's the crack of the bat and snap of the ball hitting the glove. It's the smell of hot dogs and cracker jacks and fresh cut grass and finely manicured infield dirt. It's the unmatched one-on-one battle between the pitcher and each batter he faces. It's putting your hand over your heart and honoring your country at the start of every game. It's standing up in the middle of the game and putting your arms around total strangers and singing 'take me out to the ballgame' with all the fervor you did when you were five and your entire life was a game. It's a chilly spring night that feels like a hot summer afternoon with kool-aid and popsicles. There is nothing like it. And I can't wait till my next game!

I spent some time in the mudville nine, watchin' it from the bench.
You know I took some lumps when the mighty Casey struck out.
So say hey Willie, tell Ty Cobb and Joe Dimaggio;
Don't say it aint so, you know the time is now!

Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes;
You know I think its time to give this game a ride.
Just hit the ball and touch em all - a moment in the sun!
Then *pop* its gone and you can tell that one goodbye!

Oh, put me in coach! I'm ready to play, today!
Put me in coach, I'm ready to play --today!
Look at me, I can be centerfield!


Me and Siobhan --yay for baseball!

Jaryd Weaver pitched for the Angels and had a no-no through 4+ innings!

Jeff Mathis :)

Ken Griffey Jr. --my new friend :) ps it was Jackie Robinson day so everyone had the number 42 on

Ichiro hit a grand slam!

Friday, April 3, 2009

So Long Old Friend

The good old days of TV Thursdays are officially over. When I was 12, I began to be a faithful watcher of TV Thursday. Each week I watched Friends and ER. I watched Friends faithfully to the last episode with my family or friends. The last episode of Friends was when I was 21. I essentially grew up with that show. I mean, those were some pretty formative years. There is not a single episode that I have not seen at least twice, and some that I have seen more times than I can count. There is a Friends situation for every moment in life.

ER was after Friends every week. For the 10 years Friends was on the air I did not miss an episode of ER either. Friends and ER every week. In High School my best friend Kristy and I would watch ER together every week --even if we were at our own individual houses and watching it together over the phone. We would claim it was to study for our Medical Anatomy and Physiology class. I had known that I wanted to be a nurse ever since I was in kindergarten. But Carol Hathaway and the show ER is what let me know that I was going to work in the Emergency Department, and I was going to love it. So it is somewhat ironic that I had to DVR the finale of ER tonight, because I had to attend my own real-life version. The show that inspired me to the career and profession that I love is over, and I will have to watch the finale when I get home from doing what the show inspired me to do. Thanks for the good times ER :)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Luck or Boobs?

Warning: This post contains the word boobs. Some of you may feel this is inappropriate for some viewers, reader discretion is advised. By way of short explanation, there are no boundaries of any sort between co-workers in the Emergency Department. Nothing is too personal, and really nothing is considered inappropriate to say or talk about. There is a running joke of sorts among those of us at work. It's the boobs. If a girl gets pulled over but gets out of the ticket, the guys are all convinced it's not the scrubs/fact that she works in an ER ...a get out of ticket free card, if you will ...it's the boobs. The boobs got her out of the ticket. Boobs apparently get us lots of free drinks, pretty things, out of tickets and trouble, extra time at bowling alleys that are closing, and in places that we would otherwise not be allowed into. We always just laugh, but lately I've been noticing, and it really is true. Being pretty and having boobs gets you a lot in life.

So, Vegas. Vegas was great! I got there Thursday afternoon and my friend Danielle picked me up from the airport. We drove to the Luxor where we'd be staying and meeting my friends from New York, Ken and Tricia, as well as Ken's girlfriend Sylvia. When we got there the girls were at some time share meeting to get cheap tickets to the cirque show Ka at the MGM Grand. So we chilled in the Hotel, chatted and got all caught up with Ken, then walked around to check out the hotel. It was a pretty nice place, but I do wish that Vegas would catch up with the rest of the world and prohibit smoking inside. It will never happen, but one can hope. So after a couple hours of laying on the bed, my tummy was starting to growl. Luckily, the girls' meeting was over so we headed out to dinner. We walked down the strip to BonAmiBagi, a french cafe a the Paris Hotel and Casino that has a patio outside right across the street from the water show at Bellagio. We had the most fabulous food there. We got baked cheese and roasted duck as appetizers and I go the most fabulous hamburger for dinner. It had brie on it and it absolutely melted in your mouth! So, after that, we walked around some more. After a while, Tricia ended up running into an old friend from college who just happened to have a VIP table reservation that night at Planet Hollywood. Good times were had by all. Much sleeping was also done after.

So the next morning, Danielle and I woke up and headed to breakfast at Excalibur, then to the pool. Ah, the pool. The pool at the hotel was fabulous. It was 80 degrees and sunny outside and there was water and fruity drinks involved. What's not to love? Oh, and they bring you the fruity drinks, right to your lounge chairs. Oh, and, people send you fruity drinks from across and around the pool area. Tricia and Ken joined us a couple hours later, and we swam and played and laid some more. 6 hours after arriving at the oasis, we left to go change and get ready for the night. 6 hours in the sun is surprisingly draining on Toni. So I got back up to the hotel room, showered and changed and Danielle and I went to maximize the rest of our all-you-can-eat-all-day buffet at Excalibur, while Ken Trish and Sylvie met up with some friends of Ken's from Pennsylvania. Danielle and I were going to meet them later, but it turns out we were too tired and just went to bed. So the next day, we went back to the pool to enjoy more 80 degree sunshine, fruity drinks, and chlorinated water. This time we only stayed for a couple hours. Had to at least get somewhat of a tan on the side that wasn't fried from the day before. So after we showered and changed this time, we went to Caesars palace where we ate some more yummy dinner. This is also where I won $300 playing blackjack. I don't really know how to play blackjack. I mean, I get the basic premise and the idea, but I'm no pro. I was ok with $300 :) I figured I better not push my beginners luck too far though. So we left and went exploring the Venetian. On this walk we were approached by some guy who offered us free VIP passes to see Fergie that night at Planet Hollywood. Who passes that up?! Not us!!! So, we got our armbands and went on our way. We ran into an old friend of Sylvie's and went with him to a dueling piano bar, which was AWESOME, then we went to Freemont Street. Old School Vegas. Like Frank old school. It was awesome! We hit up the gold diggers club in the Golden Nugget, and rocked it out for a while. Then it was time to head back for Fergie. As we were waiting for a cab, a limo pulls up to the curb, and asks if we want a ride. Sylvie takes point on this one, and negotiates a $30 stretch limo ride all the way back to our hotel (a $28 cab ride). So, I go on my first Limo ride to my VIP access Fergie at midnight concert. AWESOME!!!!! Fergie was great, dancing was great, this whole vacation rocks!!!! After the concert Trish got a message from Nick who we had met at the pool the day before, saying that he had a VIP room at a club at Paris with bottle service if we wanted to come join. Of course we want to come join! More awesome dancing! I'm never going home!!! We do go, however, back to the hotel to go to bed!!! By the time we got back Trish had to pack and leave for her 0600 flight back to NY --ugh --the rest of us crashed hard core. Morning came though, and Danielle had to get going for her drive back to UT. I had to get my stuff together for my afternoon flight to Seattle, and Ken and Sylvie had to get ready for their drive back to CA. It was so sad saying goodbye to everyone! It had been so good to see them all and to get to play with them again! Good thing we made plans for a Key West vacation in Oct.!!!

Apparently there is some volcano erupting in Alaska that has screwed up air flight routes all over the northwest. So after a 3 hour delay, I get home just in time to go to work. Yay. Welcome back to reality. Work wasn't bad though.

Now back to the beginning. So was all of our good fortune in Vegas luck? Was it boobs? Was it Karma for dealing with all the stupid people at work? Probably a good mix of the three. Depending on who you ask. If you ask the boys at work, it was the boobs. If you ask the girls that were there, we'd tell you it was luck and Karma. If you asked Ken, he'd ask you if it really mattered. And we'd all be right.


this is what I looked at for 6 hours a day :)
Danielle, Tricia, and Me poolside


Me Tricia Ken and Sylvia rockin on the balcony at the Gold Diggers Club at the Golden Nuggett
Ken Me Trish and Sylvie on my first limo ride!!








Friday, March 27, 2009

Checking Out

Yep, I'm checking out. As of today, I'm officially on vacation! I plan on doing nothing for the next three days but sitting by a pool and laying in the warm sunshine. I'm going to Vegas with a couple friends, and I am checking out of my normal life. I'm not bringing my computer, I'm not answering my cell phone, I'm checking out. Not to worry, I'll be back with a fabulous tan and lots of good stories! So till then, my friends! Have a good weekend!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Really?!?!?!?!

Apparently 68 hours of work in one week is too much for Toni. I'm becoming homicidal. I swear if I have to triage one more child with vomiting and diarrhea or female-of-child-bearing-age over-dramatic-female abd pain, I'm going to completely loose it. In the case of the n/v/d kiddos, it's called the stomach flu. It's called viral gastroenteritis. It's called your kid is freaking fine, stop force feeding them milk, try small sips of water/pedialyte/gatorade/insert any clear liquid here. They will get over it. It will go away. The fact that your child has thrown up for the last less-than-24-hours, and has had diarrhea for the same time is NOT an emergency. Kids throw up. So do adults. Put your child to bed, try SMALL sips of a CLEAR liquid, call the doctor in the morning if they're not better, and you still think they're dying any minute. That way your doctor's office staff can deal with your well child and I don't have to. That is what they get paid for. You know what I get paid for? Doing chest compressions, cracking open chests, stopping strokes and heart attacks, breathing for people who are not doing so on their own. Don't even get me started on the tylenol/motrin speech. They didn't want to take it? Did they want to have a seizure? That's your other option. They're 2. Who's the adult here?!!! Worse comes to worst, they have rectal tylenol at any drug store. It works.

Now for the stupid over dramatic females of child-bearing age. We are going to give you an IV. We are going to draw your blood. We are going to make you drink nasty stuff for a CT scan. We are going to send you for an ultrasound that will require pushing on your belly. We are perhaps going to have to put a catheter in to get a clean urine sample since 98% of the population seems incapable of getting a clean catch. And we will likely need to do a pelvic exam. It's going to happen. You came to the ER, this is what you get. This is not Burger King. You don't get it your way. You don't get to pick and choose what treatments you would like to have with your side of fries. If you already know what it is or precisely what you do and don't need to have done, do it yourself since you apparently have a medical degree. If you think you know what you have, great. Deal with it and call your doctor in the morning. They'll be much more likely to put up with your drama. Also, pain does not necessitate the making of sound. For the love of all that is good and holy. We know that you hurt. Making sounds for hours on end that would make a porn star blush while moaning profanities is NOT going to make us a) think you hurt any more than you are capable of telling us in a normal toned non-whining voice that you are, or b) get you to a room to be seen any faster. If you are not in the active end stages of labor, you absolutely do NOT under ANY circumstances need to make ANY noise!!!! The only sound I want to hear from you is your non-crying-non-whining rational voice telling me what precisely is going on. I can't type, I wahhahhha--ooohhhhh----wahhhhh ----ooohhhh in your triage note and the fact that you're taking 20 minutes to tell me you have had left upper quadrant pain for the last three weeks is doing nothing but delaying your treatment and the treatment of the 45 other people in the waiting room. You may grimace, you may be teary, this is ok, but sit up in the chair and tell me what is wrong in a manner that I can understand you so that we can fix it. You do not need to flop like a dead fish in my triage chair like a limp rag doll with no self control. You drove yourself here. You are capable of sitting in a reasonable manor.

That is all I have to say. Now I'm going to bed.