Today's Literary Wisdom

"That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games ...and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want...

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they're fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men --friends, coworkers, strangers-- giddy over these awful pretender women, and I'd want to sit those men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who'd like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I'd want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn't really love chili dogs that much --no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They're not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they're pretending to be the woman a man want them to be. Oh, and if you're not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn't want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version --maybe he's a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he's a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every F****** thing he likes and doesn't ever complain...

I waited patiently --years-- for the pendulum to swing the other way, for men to start reading Jane Austen, learn how to knit, pretend to love cosmos, organize scrapbook parties, and make out with each other while we leer. And then we'd say, Yeah, he's a Cool Guy.

But it never happened. Instead, women across the nation colluded in our degradation! Pretty soon Cool Girl became the standard girl. Men believed she existed --she wasn't just a dreamgirl one in a million. Every girl was supposed to be this girl, and if you weren't then there was something wrong with you.

But it's tempting to be Cool Girl. For someone like me, who likes to win, it's tempting to want to be the girl every guy wants... I didn't worry about anything that came next. Nothing had consequence, I was living in the moment, and I could feel myself getting shallower and dumber. But also happy.

...But then it had to stop, because it wasn't real, it wasn't me... It all started collapsing on itself.I hated Nick for being surprised when I became me... He truly seemed astonished when I asked him to listen to me. He couldn't believe I didn't love wax-stripping myself... That I did mind when he didn't show up for drinks with my friends... Again, I don't get it: if you let a man cancel plans or decline to do things for you, you loose. You don't get what you want. It's pretty clear."

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (p. 222-225)

(Maybe this is the rant of a sociopath teetering over the line *spoiler alert* but the premise is that level of raw that can only be achieved by stark truth.)

Uuuuurrrggghhhh

Sigh. Sometimes it feels as if the universe is trying to tell you something. Over and over and over. Or maybe you should just stop following beautiful men you don't know on instagram... None the less, as I was getting ready for bed I came across this quote on Ian Somerhalder's instagram account. Hello, my existential crisis!!! (see last post)

"Something changes the moment you decide

you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to.

Something stands out and makes the moment unique.

A profound multidimensional clarity resembling

a piece of carefully gathered stardust; 

As if you are whispering "finally" and

your eyes fill with light and spontaneity.

As if you do not care whether your heart will

melt or crumble in the process 

because your brief courage

undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief.

You live for these moments;

For you are, maybe for one second or more, 

sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy.

A moment of psychological reward smashing

all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror.

This is all you need."

-Anais Nin

This Ridiculous Obsession

What a funny thing this heart of mine is. Why the desperate need to believe in love, to believe in passion that conquers all?  Why the inability to be truly happy without the secure knowledge that it exists in a tangible way out there? In the absence of it in my own life, I seem to find joy in the love others have in their lives. Which is all well and fine, except, well, when other people's relationships don't work out it breaks my heart a little bit. My eyes well up and my chest hurts a small hurt.  Even if I don't know them. Why? I'm not sure it's healthy to allow others to influence my emotions so. But it's my silly little heart and I'm stuck with it. Emotions are funny things. It's silly I suppose, but I need to believe that two beautiful people can be blissfully happy and make it work. Famous people, regular people, everyone.

Along a similar and very vulnerable line, from my night-time notebook last night:

I lay in my bed swaddled by darkness. My mind however is deep in the middle of the novel that lies discarded near the couch in the other room. I love Scarlet O'Hara. I love her gumption, her fortitude, her survivability, her strength, her brazen disregard and defamation of convention. And yet, she is one of the most truly terrible human beings brought to life. She's a terrible terrible person when it comes down to it. A terrible and wonderful person. I find myself relating to her all too easily, readily, and on the whole. So I love her.

As my mind races through thoughts and feelings, it opens the door to a stark cold room of fear that brushes past. I feel myself recoil from the feeling as though it never existed and race to other thoughts. "No," I tell myself. Feel it. It was fear you felt. Why? Fear of what? Find the hidden door that led to that room and enter it. Sit with that emotion. Don't run, don't deny, don't refuse, don't ignore. What is it about that train of thought that opened the door to the cold draft? Am I afraid to admit that I love those fierce qualities? That I'm like her? That the ways in which I relate to her will ultimately keep me from happiness as they did her? Or maybe it was just a supremely written novel with a cast of characters that we all have a piece of within us. I don't know.

But through the dark I probe the corners of my thoughts searching for the release to the trap door. I open it up, feel the cold draft brush past, go to the back wall of the room and sit down.

That's a lot of vulnerability right there... struggling to stay open, not to close it off... Progress.

On Valentine's Day

That moment when it's all new. Before you even hold hands, when your fingers accidentally graze then linger on purpose. Maybe the last two fingers on your hand hook the first two of his. Just for the briefest of moments. That connection, that... that something that solidifies your core to a warm liquid pot of... something that radiates to ever nerve ending in your body. Then eye contact, a sly smile -or half -and you're lost.

That moment when you stand with toes touching, you smile, you laugh coyly, shake your head at the ground and glance back up and you're locked. You lean ever so imperceptibly closer. That moment when your lips are millimeters away. Your eyes close, there's the smallest of sharp inhales. That moment.

Seasons of Love

I'm afraid my heart is in one of those mooshy gooshy girl moods where everything feels soft and warm and I just want... something. My brain is craving something besides the peanut butter m&ms I left in my camping bag in the trunk of my car. The thing is, it's cold out there now, it's warm in here, and honestly, I don't want to put pants on... Anyway, back on track. My brain is craving a workout. A real barn burner of a think puzzle. Last time I felt like this I signed myself up for a second bachelors degree. Oy. I even downloaded a brain training app that's supposed to "give your brain a daily work out." And it does, but it's not enough. I need something. Something. I think it's the fall. There's something about the chill of fall that makes a girl long for a great pair of boots, a soft warm sweater, and a calloused hand to hold while walking down a tree-lined street. This is not an ideal time to watch Midnight in Paris in the absence of someone to curl into during the movie. Yet it's all that sounded good on my DVR tonight. I've been craving something lately, I can't put my finger on what exactly it is. I've dove into books that quench the thirst for adventure in a far off land, and movies that do the same. There is a stack of nine, yes, count them, nine books on my nightstand. Some I've finished and just haven't moved to my finished basket, some I'm in the middle of, and a couple I've started and then decided I wasn't in the mood for. ADD much? :) Each tale I read or play I see just makes me want to read and see more. My appetite for fantasy and adventure is becoming insatiable. It's a beautiful thing to be able to dream, no? Bring it on fall, I welcome you with open arms!

First photo by yours truly, second two from Pinterest

525,600 Minutes

This post may seem slightly at an odd time of year since the nearest upcoming holiday is Christmas. But we all know how I feel about doing things in order ...it drives me nuts if things aren't in chronological order :) But ...it's where my mind is now. I'm watching RENT. One of the best productions in history. Words can't describe the magic and the mood of the first time I saw RENT on Broadway in New York City. It was a spur of the moment thing, on a recommendation from my favorite resident rent-head Jill. My friend Danielle was visiting me in NYC. We had a couple hours of time unplanned to wander the streets of my favorite place on earth. I had talked to Jill earlier in the day and she informed me that Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were in town reprising their original cast roles for the week. She pleaded with me to go in her honor since she couldn't make it out. I hadn't seen it before, but I know how passionate she is about it, and Danielle and I were able to score $20 second row seats for that night's performance so we decided to give it a go. It was literally one of the defining moments in my life. I sat through the entire production moved beyond words, beyond tears. The stream of powerful emotion roaring through me. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I felt lost, and I felt purpose. And I felt myself beginning to emerge anew. I began to discover who I really was. Again. Out on my own. As an adult living in the greatest city in the world. As a nurse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister.

From that moment I began to live my life for me. In baby steps. Since then I have accomplished countless goals that I'm proud of, and set many more. I've become an amazing well rounded person who loves without holding back and who notices and takes stock in the small things. I say this not to boast of myself, but because I have made it a point to celebrate the good things I do. I think we should all celebrate more of our accomplishments and the root that they all come from. And I think it's ok to say that I think I'm turning into an amazing person. I'm not there yet, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. And I like myself. In the years since that fateful Broadway night I've learned to love myself. I've hated myself, I've been lost and confused and hurt. I've fallen in love and picked myself back up. The good always out weighs the bad.

So now as I'm watching the movie RENT (not the same as seeing it live, but an acceptable substitute because of the memories it evokes) I'm asking myself how I've spent the last 525,600 minutes of my life. Can it be measured in miles driven? Trips to Starbucks? Hours at work? Lives saved? New journeys? In truths learned? Tears cried? Bridges burned? Friends made? Sleep lost? Life should be measured in love. All four seasons. Seasons of love laughter life and learning. As compared to previous years, it seems I didn't really do much of anything this year. I remember at the start of the year I made it a point to be more selfish and do more me. Well, I went on with my life and plodded on along like normal. Looking back I was kind of a shell and a puppet. It was on a trip to North Carolina in the late summer that I realized my misstep. I was deep in conversation with a soul-sister of mine, Serena, when she essentially hit me over the head with a hammer. We were discussing our lives and how they were so different than we had ever planned, and we didn't know how we ended up where we were. We discussed living and loving and evolving, and she said to me, "Toni, I just feel like you've lost who you are. I feel like you don't know who YOU really are anymore."

She was right. It turns out when you make a goal to focus on yourself you have to do more than just say you're going to do it. You can't say you're going to make a change then carry on with life as if nothing is different. I may not have done things this year like I have in past years. I haven't learned a new language like I wanted, or gone sky-diving, or scuba-diving on a foreign tropical vacation. As it turns out what I did was find myself. I felt a LOT of emotion and I owned it all. All year long. That night in the car with Serena was another rebirth to me. Her words were so beautiful, heartfelt, and simple that I could never have come to them on my own ...one of those too close to the forest to see the trees things. We made a pact that night. I promised her that I would go back home to Seattle and that I would find myself. That I would free myself of the baggage that had been holding me down. That I would cut ties with the people I was nice to out of obligation who were just dragging me away from who I was. From that moment on I was on operation find myself. Full force. I stopped worrying about the petty things. I did or did not do things because I did or didn't want to. I stopped all my defensive false pretenses. I had a few slip ups and a few backslides, but Serena was always just a phone call and stern-reminding word away. And I loved her for it. She kept me on track and she didn't let me have or do anything less than what I absolutely ultimately wanted/deserved.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I took a year off from being myself to find myself. Make sense? :) It has been a journey and has taken everything out of me. And only good things have been molded back. I'm back. I'm me again and I'm a confident me and I love again. It's what I do. I love. Things, people, life, everything. I'm back. That's the point :) And I'm moving on and moving forward with a life that I am more familiar with. A life with what I know ...new things and adventures and a hunger for progression. The ball has started rolling already. I haven't wasted my last 525,600 minutes. My journey may have taken longer than I might have hoped, but it is what it is. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. It's mine.

Looking forward to my next 525,600 minutes I anticipate many things. Vacations are back ...Boston for St. Patty's day here I come ...New Orleans here I come ...etc. School is back, I'm now officially a Husky ...Go Dawgs ...and I'm on track for my second baccalaureate degree. I'm going to be a better nurse and I'm going to have a lot more letters behind my name. I've said goodbye to complacency and I don't miss it. And this year I'm going to do it. I'm going to learn a second language. Maybe two because I can't decide between Italian (because it's just so beautiful) or Spanish (because it's just so useful). I'll still have my trips to Starbucks, my tears, my laughter, my hours at work, lives saved, truths learned, and I'm sure tears cried and bridges burned. But I'll measure my next year in love. Because really, life is short. Live life to the fullest, every moment. Every single one. Love without holding back. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other day, no other way, no day but today. And always, ALWAYS viva la vie boheme!!!!! Much love all, and may you all have a blessed and rich holiday season!

Reality Is...

It's not the fall that hurts. I mean it hurts a little, bit it's minor and it's fleeting. What really hurts is the getting up. The moment when you start to move stiff joints and rebelling muscles damaged in the fall. What you damage in the fall doesn't hurt until you try to put yourself upright and get back up. Sure a broken leg is painful, but have you ever tried to get up and walk on one? I myself have had a fear of falling for years. I'm not afraid of heights, just that for some unexplained reason when I'm standing on the edge of the majestic cliff without a railing I'm going to spontaneously loose all muscle control as my body flails itself off the edge. It may seem irrational, but that's what fear is. Really though ...it's not the fall that I fear. Free falling and floating through air sounds amazing and free-ing. What we truly fear is the unknown ...we fear the repercussions of the fall. The part that happens when we have to get up. Interesting.

Don't Stop...

Today I believe in...

*Cleaning my house like I'm expecting royalty ...or my mom ...although I'm expecting no one but myself.

*Sweeping the pine needles off my 4'x6' deck so I can sit outside in my camp chair ...with myself.

*Cooking a gourmet meal ...for myself.

*Using chopsticks and the fancy dishes for a tv dinner ...with myself.

*Getting up and ready for a day with myself, makeup and all.

*Falling asleep in the middle of the day while at the park reading a great book.

Because I'm worth it. It's never JUST me, it is me. Simply, beautifully.

Ah, Marilyn

I know I've quoted this before, it's one of my favorites. It's especially applicable today. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." --Marilyn Monroe.

Trust no one but yourself. I used to be such an optimist. A hopeless romantic, idealist, and optimist. I'm quickly becoming a pessimistic realist. Which is ok, I mean it is what it is... But there's only so many times you can be disappointed in the world before optimism fades to jaded bitterness. I still want to hope, I still want to believe that people are basically good (thanks Anne Frank, I'm trying), but the dark and twisty side of me is putting up quite a battle. One of my favorite Grey's Anatomy moments is from the bomb episode of season two. Meredith is refusing to get out of bed, and is ranting to Christina. "...You never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. Plus, my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I just ...I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the absence of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." After this Christina kicks Meredith out of bed and tells her, "Whatever! Everybody has problems, now get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! MOVE, move move move!" (thanks Wikiquote, you're a great invention :) )

I don't have anyone to kick me out of bed and make me go to work every day. I do however have bills to pay, so I do it. But the point is, things change, people change, they disappoint you, the world is quite a disappointing place. No one's perfect, and eventually you learn to trust your heart and your deep dark secrets to no one but yourself. Don't put people on pedestals because you'll get hurt when they fall off. And they always fall off. So do you, so don't try to climb on any. So all I need now is a sign. A sign that things are going to change. That good things have fallen apart because better ones are falling together. I need a reason to cleave to the last shred of desire to hope for better things. It's out there somewhere. Right?

Alone

Alone and lonely are not even close to the same things. A girl can feel lonely surrounded by millions of people. As anyone who's ever live in New York City can attest. A girl can also feel lonely surrounded by her friends. You can distract yourself from the loneliness by work or workouts or movies or tv or the internet or other activities. A girl needs her friends. A girl needs her girls. She needs them to sit with and to talk with and to help her through. It's true what they say on SaTC, it doesn't matter what you're going through or how long it takes you to make it through, you never get there without your friends. But eventually you are alone. Just you by yourself. Alone. And sometimes you're alone and lonely. But it is in these moments, when you're truly alone that you figure out what you're made of. You've been given the advice, the love, the encouragement, and the support that you need, and you need to be by yourself to figure out what you are and how you work. Alone and lonely is tough. But it doesn't last forever. And eventually when you're able to stand on your own, you're not lonely any more. Even if you are alone.

Also...

It is what it is. Love isn't a cure-all. It is the most spectacular splendor, and therefore can also be the most exquisite pain. You can be a pessimist, an idealist, an optimist, or a realist, but no matter which way you slice it you have to keep taking chances. Sometimes when you scratch an itch it goes away ...and sometimes it just gets ...itchier. No one is perfect. Men, Women, not a single one of us. You have to swallow the bad with the good and decide what you can live with. You're not going to get great rewards without great risks. Allow yourself to be molded and shaped. It's painful at times but worth it. It's how we grow. At the same time, never loose sight of who or what you are. Keep taking chances and eventually you'll take the house.

SaTC Experiment

Great therapy. Sex and the City is great therapy for single gals. It reminds us that being young and single is sexy and wonderful and amazing and adventurous and that heartache happens but the next douche-bag is just right around the corner. I had caught an episode here or there on tv reruns, but a while back I watched one that really grabbed me. It was titled 'A Woman's Right to Shoes.' In this episode one of the girls that the 4 used to hang out with is having a baby shower for her third pregnancy. Long story short, Carrie has her $825 shoes stolen from the party when they had to take them off before coming into the apartment. Her friend tells her that she shouldn't have to pay for them because it's not her fault that Carrie spent so much on something so insignificant, and she shouldn't have to pay for Carrie's self-indulgent lifestyle. As the show goes on, Carrie realizes (and tells her friend) that she's spent thousands of dollars celebrating this friends decisions. Celebrating the decisions with wedding presents and presents for all three of the children. She then realizes that after graduation there is not a single occasion to celebrate the single person. Not one. So she sends her friend an announcement that she is marrying herself and is registered at Manolo Blahnik. She registered for one item, her shoes. Her friend ends up buying them, and at the end of the episode Carrie says that it's hard to walk in a single gal's shoes. That's why we have to wear fabulous ones, to make the journey more exciting.

I decided that I needed more of this in my life. So on a retail therapy trip to Target, I bought all six seasons of Sex and the City on DVD (and a bluray player and hdmi cable ...but that's beside the point...). I started with episode one of season one and found quickly that it was a good idea to keep a pen and paper handy for all the amazing things I was relating to. There's not much else need to explain. Here's my favorites. Those of you who will get it will just get it, and those of you who don't won't and that's fine by me. Quotes are narration or dialog by Carrie unless noted otherwise.

"I didn't understand. Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man, why didn't I feel like I had more control?"

"I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 and realized I no longer had the energy to be completely superficial."

"The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him, but isn't delayed gratification the meaning of maturity?"

"I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I will always think of him fondly. As an asshole."

"Was secret sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state, exempt from the judgement of the world? Or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?"

Samantha: "Just be cool. You don't care. Then he'll wonder why you don't which will make him realize he does and then it's a whole new ballgame."
Miranda: "So, in your world it's always 6th grade?"
Charlotte: "I think a relationship has to be built on honesty and communication to succeed."
Samantha: "Ok, if you were 25 that would be adorable, but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid."

"Puberty is a phase, 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle." Stanford Blatch

"Let's be honest. Sometimes there's nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you. The baby shower."

"It's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes."

"It takes half the time you went out with someone to get over them. You can't push yourself into feeling good. The only way to get over somebody is to feel really bad, cry to your girlfriends, and to replay what you hated about him over and over in your head all day." Charlotte

"I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain."

"We're so over we need a new word for over."

Carries 5 breakup rules:
1. Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.
2. Lie. It's a lot easier than admitting that's why you invited the new Yankee to the party and why you maxed out your credit card to buy the dress.
3. Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.
4. Never stop thinking about him. Even for a moment. Because that's the moment he'll appear.
5. No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

"If New York's signature food is the apple, the signature sound is the siren. But what about the injuries that don't get a siren. Whether you're falling in a hole in the street or falling back in love ...just how dangerous is a broken heart?"

Amazing, no? Now, I must admit that I did see the SaTC movie before I watched the series. Kind of like watching the movie before reading the book. It leaves you misguided and there's always something critical that is left out. Like all girls in the movie (and I thought who had seen the show as well), I was kind of endeared to Big. Who wouldn't be endeared to someone who bought you a bazillion dollar home on 5th ave --and built you your own palatial closet to boot. He did have his big freak out asshole moment when he panicked and didn't drove past instead of stopping to go to his wedding, but he was coming back for her... But every guy in every movie has a moment like that. Besides, I had heard the buzz about him when the series was on air, I figured that he was a big deal (no pun intended) and that he and Carrie were destined to be together. Like romeo and Juliet. So when the movie ended and all was happy, I was happy. No matter how much it pains me to admit it, I am a hopeless romantic.

What I didn't get from the movie that I realized watching each episode was that Big is a giant asshole. He treated her like crap repeatedly and kept stringing her along and kept coming back and being an asshole all over again. He broke her heart a couple times, and she found someone amazing. Aiden. I love Aiden. I can't wait to find my Aiden. And when I find him I won't let a married-to-someone-else Big ruin it. When my Aiden proposes to me and I say yes, I won't end up having an affair with my ex-Big who is still married to someone else. And should my Aiden find out about the affair and forgive me and still love me anyways, I will keep him forever. I will not be swayed when my ex-asshole Big gets jealous and possessive even though he's married to someone else who he won't leave. I will keep my Aiden over Big because Aiden is what every girl needs, and Big is what is out there. He makes Carrie feel insignificant and inconsequential and never good enough. Unfortunately Aiden's have gone extinct in real life. The one's that are there are blissfully married as they should be. So back to Big. For six years he was a complete douche bag with intermittent periods of actual gentlemanly behavior. All assholes have to have some redeeming moments, it's what hooks you. Holding on to those fleeting moments.

But the show was still amazing therapy. As I said before, I related completely. And it was fun to realize that I was part of all 4 characters, not just Charlotte as I thought after seeing the movie. And it was fun to realize that each of your friends is more like one of the ladies than the other three. And that somehow when you put all your friends together you end up with an even balance of all 4 characters.

The show reminded me how much I am in love with New York City. Still. That place gets inside you and becomes part of who and what you are.

And as amazing as it was, I was quite disappointed in the ending. And yet I wasn't at the same time. The hopeless romantic in me (the part created by Disney and fairytales and believing that true love conquers all when I was a little girl) was glad that she ended up with Big. The ending was dramatic and romantic and seemed fitting. And I obviously saw it coming since I had seen the movie.

But like everything else that's not reality, it ended in happily ever after. My single girl power gritty real life success therapy ended with the cold hard fact that apparently if you put up with the asshole for 6 years he will turn into a prince who's everything you ever imagined. It's a modern day fairytale come true. It's the same shit we were force fed when we were little (ok, not just when we were little, I still love Disney movies ...I watched sleeping beauty just the other day). Like in beauty and the beast ...if you stick around long enough and put up with someone holding you captive and dictating what you wear and eat and your daily activities, he will turn into a prince. The difference is this one was marketed for adults. Jaded adults even.

Which reminds me. McDreamy. The wonderful beautiful perfect McDreamy. The man that my friends and I have often pondered doesn't exist in reality. I had a moment as I was watching the beginning of season two on DVD the other day. Let's re-examine this. McDreamy does exist. He's beautiful, he has amazing hair and that McDreamy look (think elevator) that makes your knees crumble and your insides turn to mush. That makes everything he suggests sound amazing and incredible. But he also started an affair with you --painting pictures of lasting futures and homes and families-- neglecting to tell you that he is already married. Then he doesn't apologize for not telling you. Then he doesn't sign the divorce papers because he can't give up his life (wife) in "one day." Then after he rejects you he continues to give you the McDreamy look at work, and be there for you in obnoxious ways and continually break your heart and drive you crazy. He hugs you when you're hysterical over yous sick mother. He holds you silently in the closet when you need a moment not alone. You date someone else and he flies of the handle with jealousy ...while still married to his wife. But if you can endure enough of his wanting his cake and eating it too, eventually his wife will move to LA and he will be McDreamily yours forever.

What I'm getting out of all this is that Prince Charming does still exist. McDreamy does in fact exist. You just have to put up with all the crap first. So if I endure all the pain and misery and tears and heartache and wistful longing and being treated like a discard-able possession long enough, the asshole will turn into a prince. Perfect.

This post kind of turned into a pot of Gumbo. I'm not technically sure what Gumbo is, but in my brain it's like a big potluck soup. A little of everything all mixed together. I have a roommate who is moving to Louisiana to go to Tulane for grad school, so I'm sure soon enough I'll find out what actual Gumbo is. Then again, this is my temporary roommate who told me the other day, "I keep thinking that you should be from Boston. I mean, I have to remind myself that it's NY where you lived, because it just seems like you should be from Boston. I don't know what it is." So we'll see what comes of that :) But that's what came of my SaTC experiment. And now I have a lot of books I need to re-read. He's Just Not That Into You (inspired by a SaTC writer btw), If The Buddha Dated, Act like a Woman, Think like a Man ...the list goes on. Books based in reality. Pay no attention to the movie he's just not that into you. It ends with a Hollywood ending that completely undoes any good done by the book. Now, off to bed and then to read some books... And the second SaTC movie comes out tomorrow... :)

Tonight...

Tonight's food for thought brought to you by the thought inspiring writers of Grey's Anatomy:

"Ask most people what they want out of life, and the answer is simple. To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

Is it the fear of the unknown? The fear that nothing better will come along, that we've already been as happy as it's possible to be? Is it searching for something better and the yearning and hoping for the happiness --that is supposed to be the journey, not the destination-- what keeps us from actualizing our dreams? The hopes and dreams of a better fantasy life that blocks our sights of what the happiness actually is? Thoughts anyone?

Part II

I'm not her. I'm not the girl that can get over you. I hate that I love you and I hate that you know exactly what to do and say so that I can't be mad at you anymore --and at the same time I love that about you. I'm not the person that you can have a casual fling with. I'm the girl that you settle down and stay with forever because I'm amazing and you don't want to let me go. I'm not the girl who doesn't notice when you ignore me. I'm not the girl who isn't hurt when you refuse to acknowledge me. I'm not the girl who picks herself up, holds her head high, and moves on because it's what is best for me. I'm the girl who loves you. For better or for worse. Even when I don't want to and fight it for all I'm worth. I'm the girl who worries about you and wants you to be happy and wants the best for you. Why do you act like you want the first girl when it's plain to me --and those who know you best, that you want the second? Why don't you want to want me?

Is it because I'm just that pathetic and awful to be around and be associated with? If I picked myself up and held my head high and ran away from you in my own self interest would anything change? I hear how it sounds. I know that I'm acting like a sad rejected kicked puppy. I know that's not attractive. But right now, that's me. I don't want that to be me. I want to be the first girl. But I can't. So really, it's your loss. And I wish that didn't make me cry.

Heaven is...

Having someone tuck you into bed and kiss you goodnight.
Wrapping their arms around you so tight.
Wishing you sweet dreams, and you know everything is really alright.

It's the Little Things

It's funny how the little things in life can dramatically change your daily actions and attitudes. I've been thinking about two things in particular a lot lately. One day last fall I was walking to work in the busy upper west side of Manhattan. I had just gotten off the 1 train at 110th St. and was rounding the corner to get to Amsterdam St. It was a bit chilly and I was in a hurry a) to get out of the cold and b) if I hurried I would have time to stop at Starbucks before going in to work. In my hurry I walked past a man leaning against the front porch railing of an apartment complex. As is standard when walking past NYC's 8 million people every day, I didn't particularly notice. My gaze stayed straight focused on where I was going. As I passed I heard him say, "Put your head up darlin', that's too pretty a face to be looking at the ground. It's not going anywhere." Now those of you familiar with New York City will understand why this hit me by surprise. People don't talk to people in the sidewalks of New York. You don't notice other people there. Everyone is focused on getting where they have to go and on what they have to do when they get there. Even if you do notice them, you don't start random conversations with people. It's just the way things are there. If you try, you'd be likely to be told to mind your own business. I kept walking without breaking pace, but my mind did a double take. I think I may have even tossed a bewildered glance back and said thank you.

Since then I have taken an obsessive notice about how many people walk with their head angled toward the ground. For a long time I made a concerted effort to walk with my head up looking straight ahead. It was a little strange at first, but now I don't think about it at all, I just do it. But 99% of the people that you see walking down the streets or in the stores or in the park ...yada yada ...look at the ground. And it bothers me. Start paying attention, I think you'll be surprised. Watch yourself. Try it for a whole day. Keep your chin parallel to the ground and keep your gaze straight ahead. Don't even gaze downward. You'll be surprised at how different the world looks. And you'll notice how NO ONE else does it. It also changes your attitude. It makes you more confident and more positive. Just something I've been thinking about lately. Just a simple random comment from a man on the street that changed my posture and outlook on life. Permanently.

Also, apologies. I'm a very forgiving person. Many may say that I am in fact too forgiving. I may just be, but that's not the point. I recently received a very unexpected apology from one of my best friends. I'm not going to go in to the whole dramatic situation behind the apology because ...well ...I don't feel a need to test the word limit per post on this blog :) Suffice it to say that more of my tears have been shed over this situation than any other in my life. Possibly combined. And those of you who know me know that I cry a LOT. You also know that I am a great sleeper. I can sleep anywhere any time and in any situation. I lost sleep for weeks at a time. Honestly, I still am dealing with some pieces of the fallout. But I have been determined to remain friends with this person. Like I said some may say I'm too forgiving. But for whatever reason, I felt a driving need to appear "fine" and to remain friends. I was successful, and even before the apology, we were friends. I wasn't exaggerating when I said 'one of my best friends' earlier. In my mind all had been forgiven, and I had moved on. Things had been awkward for a while, but we moved past it and had been talking joking and laughing like normal for a good month or so. So when I was pulled outside at a Halloween party a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything of it. I just grabbed the hand he offered and followed. We shared a chair by the fire on the patio, and he said, "So how are you?" I thought this was a strange question, especially to pull me outside for. After all, as I said we had talked and laughed and joked on a daily basis for the last month or so. I looked at him with my head tilted and my forehead wrinkled with a confused look on my face as I said, "Iiiii'mm good... why?" He said, "Well, because I feel like you're not. I feel like you haven't been ok for a while." Not wanting to admit any sign of weakness, I said, "No, I'm good!" And I said it energetically and with a smile. To which he replied, "Toni, you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter." This guy knows me better than possibly any person on the planet. He is the only person that can literally can look right through me and tell you exactly how and why I'm feeling the way I am. I knew it was pointless to argue, but I continued to try. After a while, he just said, "Look, it's me. I know you've been having a hard time, and I know that I'm responsible for a lot of it. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for every part I had in that. You and your friendship mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I'm here if you need anything." I looked at him in shock and awe and said two words. In my shocked state it was all I could come up with. "Thank you." It was the most sincere thank you I have ever said in my life. The level to which I was touched really surprised me. I pondered for a long time about why this was, and I realized that I honestly think this was the first time in my life that anyone has actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to me. It was the first time in my entire life I had been apologized to in person with real words.

This may sound surprising, but think about how many times you have actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to someone that you've offended or been in a fight with. We throw around the words 'I'm sorry' like candy. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sorry you had to see/hear that, sorry I wasn't home, sorry I can't help you, sorry I can't get to the phone --leave a message, I'm sorry -can you help me, or a nonchalant sorry man! We throw the words around like candy, and that's ok, but I'm talking about sincere apologies to people that we've offended/deeply or personally wronged. I have been sorry about things and I have been in fights with family members and friends, and we've reconciled whatever issues we've had and gone on with life. I have implied that I 'm sorry, I've texted emailed and written the words many a time, but I don't think I've every actually said such a honest and sincere and blunt apology. And I think this is sad. I can't think of anyone I'm still holding a grudge against, or that I haven't forgiven, but it's not the same. I've made it a point to make honest sincere verbal face to face eye contact included apologies from now on. I think the world would be a better place if we all did the same. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or picked on because I certainly don't feel that way, I've been apologized to before I'm sure, just not in so many words. I appreciated it more than I can explain, and it's changed my life, really. I'm not sure that this made sense, but I just wanted to share a couple things I'd been thinking about lately.

Today of all days...

New favorite moment. So there I was. At the grocery store in my "I-just-worked-12-hours-and-then-ran-3 miles-and-am-just-running-in-and-out-of-this-store" running pants, tank top, jacket, messy ponytail hair, and greasy face. I pull into the parking lot and pull up to park behind a car where a man was getting out. I parked, and as I was getting out of my I realized the man from the car in front of me had stopped walking into the store. He looked back, did a double take, then looked at me again. He appeared confused. I was thinking that he was irritated at me for something ...parking too close to his car perhaps? (I didn't, but you never know with drivers around here) So I smiled at him and shrugged it off. I ran into the store to get rolls for a potluck tonight at work, visions of my bed looming in my head. I got the rolls and had a sudden craving for apple juice.

So I jet over to the apple juice aisle. But on my way, I get distracted by the fruit snacks. I got monster trucks, my little pony, and build your own dinosaur (I already had the build your own bug ones at home :) ). As I'm rounding the corner toward the juice, I nearly run into parking lot man. I smile an apology, and move past him. I miss my bed. As I'm passing him, I hear him mumble, "Do you..." and I start to think he's gonna yell at me. So I walk faster bee-lining it for the apple juice. I have had an awful past few weeks, have not slept well, and have dealt with hoards of stupid people at work for 76 hours this week alone. So I'm thinking if I want to keep my nursing license (you can't have one with assault and battery charges) it's in my best interest to avoid the confrontation.

Well, he starts following me. Quickly. Not in his best interest, I mean he may be a 6'4 (ish) large black man, but in my current state of mind, I'm pretty sure I could take him. After all, as I said previously, there's no one crazier than an angry nurse :) So I turn around, and he says, "Excuse me, but you are just absolutely adorable! ...I just had to tell you that." I wish I would have had a camera for the look on my face, because I'm sure it was priceless! I quickly recovered, all my aggression dissipated. I smiled sincerely and said, "Thank you! Thank you very much!" He smiled, said "You're welcome." And we both went on with our shopping. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that! And let's take into account here my afore mentioned attire, with my arms full of fruit snacks and rolls (a typical grocery shopping trip for me ...well, except the rolls ...they go bad too quickly. Substitute crackers and/or popsicles for the rolls, and that's my once every other month shopping trip :) )

Anyway, made my day! Wanted to share :)

Ditto

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe


I'm learning to let go. It's still painful, but I'm getting better each time. Perhaps slightly more bitter, jaded, and calloused, but eventually that will go away too. I'm learning to trust only myself. I'm learning who I am still. Every day. And ya know what?! I am a beautiful person!



Also interesting...I was looking at my facebook page today (yes, my own --vain perhaps, but hey, that's me) and contemplating how much I really love my flair and how really really REALLY true some of them are!!! The ones that struck me today:

*as long as i'm going to hell i might as well do it thoroughly

*we're adults! when did that happen and how do we make it stop?!

*friends ask why you're crying, best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

*cheers bitch

*make the stupid people shut up

*have you mentally choked an unruly child today?

*i'd tell you to go to hell, but i work there and i don't want to see you every day

*it's not us, it's them. them and their stupid boy penises

And the ULTIMATE winner of the day:

THERE'S NO ONE CRAZIER THAN AN ANGRY NURSE

...cheers bitch :)

Here it is.

The reason I'm still single. Because THIS is what's out there!

(click on the link below)

Reason some girls stay single...

Decisions, Decisions

Do you ever feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't? You ponder and agonize and over analyze decisions. You think you make the right ones, and you go with what you decide is right even though it hurts like no pain you've ever felt before. It's got to get better, right? After all, you're sure this is where your life is supposed to go. So you push ahead and make the most of each day. No day but today, no time for regret. Then you realize that in spite of all that you've grown and all the great experiences you've had, that you're actually not happy. Too late to go back, you can't rewind time and change your mind. So you do what you can, you do it for you, and you're making your own way -screw the world or what anyone else thinks. And it feels good, and it's refreshing. There are still rough times, and there are still great times, but you're living for you -not for anyone else or their expectations, and that is a beautiful feeling.

Then life throws you a curveball completely out of the blue. Your head spins, your stomach fills with butterflies, and you like it. You've tied yourself down to your current path, for at least a little bit. And now you're not sure that you want that anymore. Maybe you want to be somewhere else entirely. Where you are now is ok, but you've been there for a while, and maybe you're just feeling a little clausterphobic and trapped, but maybe you really do actually want to be somewhere else. Just when you think you're settled and in the groove, you start to question decisions again. The "what ifs" drive you insane. Is this a repeat of the last decision that felt right at the time? What if you really haven't learned all that you thought you had, and you're wrong again. What's done is done. For now anyways. Only time will tell how life plays itself out. So you press forward and continue to make the most out of every moment. Make your own destiny. Forget the hauntings of perceived failures and make the most of today. Sometimes it hurts, and life is not a fairytale. Sometimes people have everything you ever wanted and they don't appreciate it. Sometimes you don't understand how people can be so terrible and careless with the treasures they are blessed with. But overall, life is better than the fairytale. It is what you make it. And no matter where you are, there are people who are worse off. There is always someone you can help, and helping others puts your focus where it should be. Keep your head in the game. This poem was written by one of my good friends, and I think it's amazing.

The playbook was written eons ago,
actions determined before my birth,
evolving over time with situations
into this new age capsule that holds
no promises of a joint tomorrow,
nor any hope for fairy dust and tales
to re-emerge as your new reality.
Instead, this new capsule is padded
with cynicism and wires of openness,
and one should swallow this capsule
with caution and buckets of pragmatism
or it will oil up your throat, choke you
and make you wish your heart had died.
Keeping your head in the game
means keeping your sanity unlocked,
this playbook does not forgive easily,
nor does it forget any lapse in judgement,
as it has no space or literature
to allow for tenderness and gentleness.
Wonderland is no longer an option, Alice,
so pack up your teacups and make haste,
readjust your head to fit the game,
reconfigure your notions of that
rainbow of joint tomorrows dusted by
those old, odd, comforting fairy tales...
this is the stuff with which dreams are killed
this playbook of life, bereft of time and nostalgia,
takes absolutely no prisoners.
--Mercy Mkhana Simiyu