Saturday, December 6, 2014


Time is a funny thing. There is something in it's passing that takes away the negatives. At least for me. And I suppose this is a blessing. There are certain times in your life when you just reflect back and say, "You know what? That was really pretty cool. And I'm really proud that I was a part of that." And it's not that I don't see the good while I'm in the moment, because I do. I really do. I see the good. I feel the good. But there's this fierce part of me that is never satisfied with less than perfection. That chooses to focus on the flaws and the things that can be improved. This is both a blessing and a curse. I'm a generally positive person --or at least I was before working so closely to the general public... haha. Honestly though, it's not that I focus on the things that could go better to be negative, because I really do see the whole picture. I see the positive. But in the heat of the moment the deep rooted part of me that strives for perfection always and in all things points out all the things that need to be fixed. Things to make better. Things to improve upon for next time. Because as smoothly as things can appear to run there is always room for improvement. And I think that my brain picks these out in this continuous struggle to attain the unachievable perfection.

As time wheels away, round and around the memories go while the bumpy rocks and sharp divots get chipped off and smoothed over so what is left is a smooth round whole view of the situation as it was. And looking at the new smooth round memory reminds me to be more present. Accept things more as they come, in the moment. Perfection isn't a thing. As much as my stomach churns at the thought. It isn't. Perfection isn't real. The passing of the time doesn't make you forget the struggles and tears. But it does however put them in perspective. And what you're left with is a pretty damn good life.

I've done a lot in my 32 years. And I've been a part of some pretty damn amazing things. And I've complained about them. And I've struggled through them, and I've cried. A lot. Here's the thing though, perfection isn't real. The word "but" is grossly over-used. Things in life are rarely mutually exclusive. The last year was a rough one for me. It was such an interesting struggle. Because it was at once the most amazing slice of happiness -being closer to my family and being able to see my nephews grow up- and the worst year of my life. At the same time. Nothing has ever felt so fundamentally wrong on every level, and I fought it. because it also was amazing being so close to my family. And there were good things, there always are. So what now? What if being in the same state as your family is just absolutely not what you're supposed to do? What happens if the second you get in the car to drive away a two-ton weight is instantly lifted from your chest? I don't have answers. What I do have is a free and light feeling that whatever this is, it's right. And that's enough for now.

But time is a funny thing. Because when I saw this video that a former coworker made of the last year at Intermountain Medical Center what I saw was that we were pretty damn amazing. And we did and they do AMAZING things. And I'm so glad and so proud that I got to be a part of it. I don't see the collective hours I spent crying while having to put on my scrubs, and sitting in my car in the parking garage convincing myself to go inside. I don't feel the feelings of ...not fitting in. I don't remember the times I was astounded at the stupidity and narrow-mindedness. I remember that I worked for a world-class trauma center and that we saved lives. And that We. Were. Amazing. And I miss these people. We weren't perfect, but we were good.