It's funny how the little things in life can dramatically change your daily actions and attitudes. I've been thinking about two things in particular a lot lately. One day last fall I was walking to work in the busy upper west side of Manhattan. I had just gotten off the 1 train at 110th St. and was rounding the corner to get to Amsterdam St. It was a bit chilly and I was in a hurry a) to get out of the cold and b) if I hurried I would have time to stop at Starbucks before going in to work. In my hurry I walked past a man leaning against the front porch railing of an apartment complex. As is standard when walking past NYC's 8 million people every day, I didn't particularly notice. My gaze stayed straight focused on where I was going. As I passed I heard him say, "Put your head up darlin', that's too pretty a face to be looking at the ground. It's not going anywhere." Now those of you familiar with New York City will understand why this hit me by surprise. People don't talk to people in the sidewalks of New York. You don't notice other people there. Everyone is focused on getting where they have to go and on what they have to do when they get there. Even if you do notice them, you don't start random conversations with people. It's just the way things are there. If you try, you'd be likely to be told to mind your own business. I kept walking without breaking pace, but my mind did a double take. I think I may have even tossed a bewildered glance back and said thank you.
Since then I have taken an obsessive notice about how many people walk with their head angled toward the ground. For a long time I made a concerted effort to walk with my head up looking straight ahead. It was a little strange at first, but now I don't think about it at all, I just do it. But 99% of the people that you see walking down the streets or in the stores or in the park ...yada yada ...look at the ground. And it bothers me. Start paying attention, I think you'll be surprised. Watch yourself. Try it for a whole day. Keep your chin parallel to the ground and keep your gaze straight ahead. Don't even gaze downward. You'll be surprised at how different the world looks. And you'll notice how NO ONE else does it. It also changes your attitude. It makes you more confident and more positive. Just something I've been thinking about lately. Just a simple random comment from a man on the street that changed my posture and outlook on life. Permanently.
Also, apologies. I'm a very forgiving person. Many may say that I am in fact too forgiving. I may just be, but that's not the point. I recently received a very unexpected apology from one of my best friends. I'm not going to go in to the whole dramatic situation behind the apology because ...well ...I don't feel a need to test the word limit per post on this blog :) Suffice it to say that more of my tears have been shed over this situation than any other in my life. Possibly combined. And those of you who know me know that I cry a LOT. You also know that I am a great sleeper. I can sleep anywhere any time and in any situation. I lost sleep for weeks at a time. Honestly, I still am dealing with some pieces of the fallout. But I have been determined to remain friends with this person. Like I said some may say I'm too forgiving. But for whatever reason, I felt a driving need to appear "fine" and to remain friends. I was successful, and even before the apology, we were friends. I wasn't exaggerating when I said 'one of my best friends' earlier. In my mind all had been forgiven, and I had moved on. Things had been awkward for a while, but we moved past it and had been talking joking and laughing like normal for a good month or so. So when I was pulled outside at a Halloween party a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything of it. I just grabbed the hand he offered and followed. We shared a chair by the fire on the patio, and he said, "So how are you?" I thought this was a strange question, especially to pull me outside for. After all, as I said we had talked and laughed and joked on a daily basis for the last month or so. I looked at him with my head tilted and my forehead wrinkled with a confused look on my face as I said, "Iiiii'mm good... why?" He said, "Well, because I feel like you're not. I feel like you haven't been ok for a while." Not wanting to admit any sign of weakness, I said, "No, I'm good!" And I said it energetically and with a smile. To which he replied, "Toni, you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter." This guy knows me better than possibly any person on the planet. He is the only person that can literally can look right through me and tell you exactly how and why I'm feeling the way I am. I knew it was pointless to argue, but I continued to try. After a while, he just said, "Look, it's me. I know you've been having a hard time, and I know that I'm responsible for a lot of it. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for every part I had in that. You and your friendship mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I'm here if you need anything." I looked at him in shock and awe and said two words. In my shocked state it was all I could come up with. "Thank you." It was the most sincere thank you I have ever said in my life. The level to which I was touched really surprised me. I pondered for a long time about why this was, and I realized that I honestly think this was the first time in my life that anyone has actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to me. It was the first time in my entire life I had been apologized to in person with real words.
This may sound surprising, but think about how many times you have actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to someone that you've offended or been in a fight with. We throw around the words 'I'm sorry' like candy. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sorry you had to see/hear that, sorry I wasn't home, sorry I can't help you, sorry I can't get to the phone --leave a message, I'm sorry -can you help me, or a nonchalant sorry man! We throw the words around like candy, and that's ok, but I'm talking about sincere apologies to people that we've offended/deeply or personally wronged. I have been sorry about things and I have been in fights with family members and friends, and we've reconciled whatever issues we've had and gone on with life. I have implied that I 'm sorry, I've texted emailed and written the words many a time, but I don't think I've every actually said such a honest and sincere and blunt apology. And I think this is sad. I can't think of anyone I'm still holding a grudge against, or that I haven't forgiven, but it's not the same. I've made it a point to make honest sincere verbal face to face eye contact included apologies from now on. I think the world would be a better place if we all did the same. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or picked on because I certainly don't feel that way, I've been apologized to before I'm sure, just not in so many words. I appreciated it more than I can explain, and it's changed my life, really. I'm not sure that this made sense, but I just wanted to share a couple things I'd been thinking about lately.
