You Learn To Live A Life

We make decisions every day in our lives. For the most part they're innocuous and mundane, but what if they're not. What if going to the drive-through Starbucks instead of the sit-down alters the course of you life? I mean, it probably wouldn't but WHAT IF?!  Then there are those decisions that you can put a pin in a singular moment of you life and say, "THAT'S it, that's the moment that changed my life." The visible sharp turn in the path of your life. Everyone has their own idea of destiny, fate, and/or the lack thereof. I'm a firm believer that "what is meant for ye shall not pass ye by" (said in an Irish accent) as told to me by the sweetest little old lady who was once a patient of mine. And if something's meant to be, it'll be. Even if you take a round-about way to get there.

Sometimes it's interesting to wonder what if. And think that in some parallel universe there's a me that went to med school that time I considered it and is an emergency physician in some metropolitan trauma center.  Living in a high-rise condo. In another universe there's a me that got married in college and has babies. In another universe there's a me who stayed in Seattle instead of moving to New York. In another universe there's a me who stayed in New York instead of going back to Seattle. All of the me's in these universes I'm sure are just as happy as the me in this realm. And in all the ways that matter, I'm convinced we'll all end up in the same place. Ultimately, the fallout from every decision you make is yours. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Overall, it's a pretty glorious picture, no? I wouldn't trade a single second of heartache and pain I've been through if it meant having to give up the a single good thing that came from each decision. I've learned to live a life. It hasn't been pretty, it hasn't been easy, it hasn't looked like I thought it would, and I wouldn't change a single second of it. Some days growing up is pretty darn awesome. Most days adulthood is really all it's cracked up to be. And the days that it's not I still wouldn't trade at the expense of those days. If you ever get the change to see this play, GO. In the meantime, I'll leave these lyrics here.

I didn't go to Vassar,

But to Smith, or Yale, or Brown

I ended up in Boston,

Or some small Alaska town

To practice law, or neuter cats,

Or fish the Bering Sea

Those lives are lived somewhere

By some other me

Some other me

Is homeless

Some other me

Is queen

Some other me has seen things that no other me has seen

If I met her I would ask her that one question we both fear:

Some other me

How’d we end up here?

...

Look down each road left untaken

Trace ev’ry turn and twist

The lives that we just let go by

The dreams we might have missed

Now we’re old enough to know that

One road ends where one begins

The moment where the “what might bes”

Turn into “might have beens”

On Repeat

On repeat at my house lately: Three times that Idina Menzel changed my life:



This brings back memories of dancing around our Brooklane apartment with my roommate Sarah screaming at the top of our lungs to "Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"  The first time I began to tell myself that it really may be okay to  "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Bernard M. Baruch --Your life doesn't have to look like anything anyone else expects. It just has to be yours. And people can take you or leave you. As long as you're true to yourself, that's all that matters.



Where do I even start with this one. The first time I saw Wicked, it literally changed my life. I sat on the second row of the Gershwin theater completely captivated, covered in goosebumps, and tears trickling down my face as the first act came to a close. It was one of those ethereal moments where you can stick a pin in the exact moment of your life timeline and say, that one, right there, that moment was where it changed. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. I'm though accepting limits because someone says they're so." The musicality of the whole piece. The way she starts off almost timid, then at the end you're just in tears as she belts out at full strength, "So if you care to find me, look toward the western sky. As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly. And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me. Tell them how I'm defying gravity. And you won't bring me down." I get chills every time. Even now as I type this.



Don't roll your eyes at me. "A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well now they know. LET IT GO. It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. Let it go and I'll rise like the break of dawn, let it go, that perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on."

My Favorite 74 Minutes

Seventy-four of my all time favorite minutes of music. My go-to songs. As follows.

1.  You Are My Sunshine by Nat King Cole

2.  My Girl by The Temptations

3.  Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

4.  Clair de Lune by The APM Orchestra

5.  (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

6.  Blurred Lines (feat. TI and Pharrell) by Robin Thicke

7.  Defying Gravity by Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenowith

8.  Don't Stop Believin' by Journey

9.  Theme from New York, New York by Frank Sinatra

10.  Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick

11.  Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi

12.  Knee Deep (feat. Jimmy Buffett) by Zac Brown Band

13.  Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles

14.  America The Beautiful by Ray Charles

15.  I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

16.  Only Fools Rush In by Elvis Presley

17.  Orange Colored Sky by Natalie Cole

18.  What A Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong

19.  Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Rosemary Clooney

20.  Old Blue Chair by Kenny Chesney

And in case you were wondering, there are no links because my favorite versions aren't always playable online, and finding my favorite versions that melded into exactly 74 minutes was HARD!! In case you were wondering part II: The last three songs to be painfully removed from the list were:

1. Stay by Rihana

2.  Anything But Mine by Kenny Chesney

and

3.  Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N Roses

And then there was Loved You Tonight by Jon West, and Still Still Still by John Schmidt, and Ed Sheeran, and Saving Jane, and Etta James, and The Fray, and Whitesnake... I could go on. It's been a rough couple days!

What's in a Song

I've become obsessed with this idea. I was driving with a friend in the car last week and we were listening to a mixed CD she had in. I commented on what a great mix it was and she informed me that it was given to her by a girl she was in a wedding party for. It was all of the bride's favorite songs.  What a fantastic idea!  I immediately decided I'd need to convince all my family members and close friends to make a CD of their favorite songs. All time. And they'd have to fit on a single CD. Then you could share them all and have a CD of all your loved ones favorites to remind you of them at any time. Then I started to get palpitations at the prospect of having to narrow down my favorites all into one small CD.  I'm still in the process. I started with a list of 42 songs that had to be on there. Paring the list down is SO hard. SO hard. I'm currently at somewhere around 23... See, I had 23 at one point, then I'd think of a reason I could cut one off the list, but I'd need to add one or two more on.  So I'm at 23 ish.

The thing you realize is that when you have to choose so few songs to represent your all time favorites is that every song on the list has a deep back story. Tells a story about who you are, where you've been, and about what's important to you. It's unbelievably personal in a vulnerable and intimate way. 23 songs that are at the core of the person that I am. Music has always played a large role in my life. I've danced in the middle of my living room while no one was watching, I've danced in celebration with friends, and I've danced in professional sports arenas. I've sang in the shower and in my car, I've sang in church, and I've sang with the San Diego Symphony Orchestra. I've played my parent's hand-me-down organ while teaching myself one finger at a time. I've taken piano lessons from a classically trained Italian pianist.  I've been in love with Broadway for years. I love all genres, I have weeks worth of music on my ipod and I truly believe that where words fail, music speaks. This process of choosing 74 minutes of my favorite songs is turning into quite the painful process, and it's really looking like the finished product will be pretty awesome :)  And I can't wait to have a collection of my friends and family!!!  Stay tuned for my final playlist!!  What would you put on yours?!

Working Playlist Update

I got home from New Orleans yesterday. Note to self, in the future avoid scheduling layovers in the Midwest during tornado season. Amazing trip filled with amazing experiences. And I should be telling you all about it. But this is my one day to myself before my friend Serena gets into town for the weekend. And while on the one hand, I should get the purging of one amazing weekend's worth of experiences out of the way before another begins, I just want to recoop.  Read: Lay on my couch enjoying a moment of solitude --while doing laundry, dishes, and unpacking --things that CAN'T be put off.  What I did do today though was send my sister a copy of a playlist that I posted about earlier. It's kind of a working playlist and I thought I'd update those of you keeping track.  Here's the latest additions:

Make It Without You --Andrew Belle

A Drop In The Ocean --Ron Pope

Poison & Wine --The Civil Wars

Crash (feat. Jonah Johnson) --Esthero

White Horse --Taylor Swift

Belong --Cary Brothers

It is truly amazing to me the way music speaks to the soul. Amazing songs --all of them. 

My Mood's Soundtrack

Lately...  The first three have been on a continuous loop, the others added in for variety since they also fit my mood nicely. The last four were contributions from my resident music adviser Jill.

Kiss Me --Ed Sheeran

Turn to Stone --Ingrid Michaelson

Skinny Love --Birdy

Come Down To Me --Saving Jane

Blue and White --Beth Waters

October --Rosie Thomas

Maybe I'm Amazed --Jem

Come Away With Me --Norah Jones

Ocean Size Love --Leigh Nash

Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop --Landon Pigg

New Soul --Yael Naim

Heavy --Holly Brook

Ordinary Miracle --Sarah McLachlan

Ten Thousand Angles --Caedmon's Call

Somebody That I Used To Know --Gotye

Stay --Rihanna

Lost Cause --Priscilla Ahn

Happy Together --Filter

Just Give Me A Reason --Pink

Without You --Glee Cast

Oh What A Night!!

My toes were painted, my legs were shaved. I was in a fun flirty dress.  My hair was sleek, shiny, and curled to perfection. My lips were a luscious red --my new fave from NARS-- And I was all set. Tonight I took myself out for a lil' night on the town. One of the few remaining things on my list of things I needed to do while in NY was to see Jersey Boys on Broadway. Really it's tragic that I hadn't. I left my car with the valet and headed to the 5th Ave Theater. I was sitting in a lounge on a mezzanine and people watching until it was time to go in. Seattle. Oh Seattle I am so disappointed. This is Broadway. Do not wear your ratty jeans and t-shirts. Do not wear your floral stretchy pants and cat sweatshirts. Please comb your hair and brush your teeth. You don't need to wear heels, or luscious red lipstick, or even a dress, but come ON! Pajama pants and falling apart tennis shoes. Never wear worn out stretchy pants. Anyone --and if you're 300lbs, they can't NOT be stretched out. Sigh. I had finally had enough, and muttered "Oh my hell. I miss New York." Apparently out loud, as I got strange side-ward glances from the couple next to me on the couch. I rolled my eyes, got up (said 'Good Lord' in my head in a snooty British accent) and went to my seat where the only thing I could see in front of me was the stage. It's hard to mock a stage.

On a different note, do you do things by yourself?  Dinner? Movie? Theater? Museums? If not you're really missing out. Let me list a few things about just tonight that were so fabulous. I didn't have to worry about who was coming and who didn't want to go, who felt left out, who was carpooling, who was driving whom etc. I didn't have to worry about who wants to have dinner here before the show, and who wants to have drinks there after. I didn't have to sit in my seat wondering if anyone else was having a good time. You get to do exactly what you want, when you want to do it, and you just get to sit and enjoy. I quite literally grinned the entire show. I danced in my chair, I sang along -in my head this time. When it was over I danced to the valet who retrieved my car and gave me a good-game tap and a wink as I got in, and I sang my heart out to whatever I wanted to listen to on the radio all the way home. I love me some me time!!!!!

PS -this is the unedited and unfiltered version of this photo ...I'm quite in love with it :)

photo via

Ah, the Inspiration of 80's Rock

Lying awake and flipping through old photo albums on facebook reminiscing... And having my semi-annual geographical identity crisis. Wow, I've had some good times. And wow, there were some photos that are still hard to look at. And I really really need to start going to the gym again, because damn I look good in some of those photos!! Which reminds me... Wellness Week Three. How we doin' folks?  Was your nighttime routine as helpful as mine was? I sure do hope so. This week, stretch.  I'm not so much trying a new form of exercise as much as I am starting to exercise again. Slowly and healthily, not obsessively, but daily walks again will be nice. And in thinking of new forms of exercise, I'm kind of becoming fascinated by tai chi ...don't laugh. Anyone have experience? I like the balance and meditative factors.

Now, the geographical identity crisis.  And in the words of a great 80s rock song...and one of my life's themes, "I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been, hanging on the promises and songs of yesterday. I've made up my mind, I aint wasting no more time, here I go again. Though I keep searching for an answer, I never seem to find what I'm looking for. Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on, 'cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams. Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known..."  Because each individual road is the only one each of us know. And it is our own.  So is going home the answer for me? Is that quitting, or running away? Can I do it without feeling claustrophobic and trapped?  Can I do it and not loose the me that I've worked so hard to find? Do I want to travel again?  Maybe I really was born a drifter... I certainly would be in good company with many of my travelling friends who feel the same way.  But then you hear your nephew's sweet voice on the other end of the video chat, so excited to hear you, and that just feels so right. Is staying here or going somewhere new running away? Why am I so scared?  And it's not must my nephew. It's my brother. And my sister, and my two amazing in-laws. And my mommy and my daddy. It's a friend in New Orleans, a friend in North Carolina, one in Florida-now-Pittsburgh, one in Iowa, and another friend who hasn't spoken to me for years. It's the memories, and the photos and the people. Ultimately though, it's me. But I'm scared. It's terrifying. Moving my geographical location won't change the fact that my heart is in Seattle and my Soul is still in New York. But it also won't hamper my ability to travel, learn, explore, and discover. It won't change my friendships, I'll always have those, the true ones. So there's that.

 It's fascinating to me to look through old photographs and see all the people you used to be. To remember being in a particular place and at a particular stage of growing up in adulthood. "Ah, this is before I moved here and learned this." "You can tell that's a girl who is completely lost as to who she is." "Look how happy I am here."  I took quite a little journey tonight over the past ...few years of my life. It's too late to think about how many exactly. I can just say how truly grateful I am for the journey. For the moments of love and laughter. For the moments of abandonment and utter loneliness. For the mistakes and for the imperfections because, as I told a friend earlier this evening, that's what makes a person.  (Someone please remind me of this the next time I'm sobbing on my couch at three in the morning because I'm so alone.)  Those imperfect moments are still hard, and I have no advice on how to get through them, just to get through them. Even if it means taking a day and literally not getting out of bed. But just one day, then the next day you have to make yourself get up and do it. Go to your "have to" from The Rookie of the Year.  I still have no answers for many of the prayers that I've sent skyward in those moments. Hope is so important, and in the words of one of my 'go-to' Grey's quotes, sometimes "I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." Some days are just like that. But you won't die. And somehow, those days end.

I'm not sure that this is even making sense. It's a lot of jumble in my head that somehow makes sense to me. kind of. Some of it does. Some of it I just don't know.  I just feel like I've had a lot of friends lately who have been struggling with feeling heard and alone. I don't know the answers, but I know the feeling, and sometimes that is just as important as anything. We're all in this crazy thing called life together.

Subtle Clues

There are moments in life when you realize life has trying to tell you something. I had one of those the other morning. I was driving home from work and realized that I'd been listening to the same CD in my car for the past two weeks. Over and over and over on repeat. It's the only thing I was ever in the mood to listen to. I had originally burned the CD with some degree of apprehension because the only two times I listened to the playlist previously were a) in a bubble bath and b) on an airplane to drift off to sleep --95% of the time before take-off. It was almost like a sacred playlist, one only two be used for my two favorite activities: bubble baths and traveling. I can only remember two occasions when I made it past the first two songs while on an airplane, it relaxed me that fast and I was out. But I was burning CDs to keep the 6-disc changer of my car for when I got tired of the radio (which happens frequently). I had made one of my favorite Kenny Chesney songs, one with angry girl music, Frank Sinatra, the Wicked soundtrack, and my favorites from Rent/Phantom/Les Mis. I had one spot left so I burned the list to a disc. My ultimate relaxation lullaby/bubble bath mix. This is the CD that has been on repeat for two weeks. I think life was trying to tell me that i needed to take a minute and relax, that I was running myself ragged. Thank goodness for my upcoming vacation this weekend, I am in dire need of some r&r!!!  In case any of you could use the same message, the following is my top-secret bread-and-butter fail-proof relaxation list. It started as a disney/lullaby list that got me through nursing school and working nights in a nursing home, evolved into a relaxing "driving through terrible Logan winter weather" mix, and it's been tweaked several times since by different places, faces, and memories. Here's the current list --in order of course :) Put in on for a nice relaxing bubble bath in candle light. It's pure magic, I swear!

1.  All Will Be Forgotten --Holly Brook

2.  Clair de Lune --The APM Orchestra

3.  Ordinary Miracle --Sarah McLachlan (linked video is seriously worth watching)

4.  Bubbly Toes --Jack Johnson

5.  What a Wonderful World --Louis Armstrong

6.  Still, Still, Still --Jon Schmidt (this one soothed me to sleep on many a restless night)

7.  Come Away With Me --Norah Jones

8.  Ten Thousand Angels --Cademon's Call

9.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow --Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole

10. Hallelujah --either Jeff Buckley or Justin Timberlake (feat. Charlie Sexton) both versions are excellent

11. Old Blue Chair --Kenny Chesney (Ah, Kenny. Sigh.)

12. So You Are To Me --East Mountain South

13. Baby of Mine --Alison Krauss

14. Orange Sky --Alexi Murdoch

15. Maybe I'm Amazed --Jem

17. Rain City --Turin Brakes

18. You and Tequila --Kenny Chesney (feat. Grace Potter)

Wow ...it kinda feels like I betrayed a deep personal secret sharing that...but I know you'll enjoy it, it really is magic. Special props to Old Blue Chair ...no matter where I am or what my mood is, that song takes me to such a calm relaxed zen place, instantly transporting me to wherever I want to be. What is it about music?  Crazy. Love.

Gone Country

So, in lieu of getting caught up over the past few weeks, here are the photos from the Kenny Chesney and Billy Currington concert I went to a few weeks ago. Good times, with great friends!  This is the concert and the outfit that inspired this post... it was all worth it :)

Oh! And also I survived my first quarter of my BSN program!! Did you know that this year the Guinness Book of World Records named the Bachelor of Science in Nursing the most difficult of all four year degrees in the country? Pretty cool.  And also, I'm registered for next quarter ...for my nursing classes and a US history class!!!!  I'm way more excited about the history class than any of my nursing stuff... but it will all be good I'm sure.  Can't wait!

Oh!  And also ...again ...I'm thoroughly enjoying my new car :)  It's a 2008 Altima... great stuff!

Preparation

In preparation for the holiday season I was getting a playlist ready for my ipod with all my holiday favorites. I was inspired to do this by all the freezing winter weather we're having up here, the possibility of snow tomorrow ...and in honor of the winter menu/music/decorations in Starbucks the other day :) While digging through my massive music collection I found a couple songs I wanted to share. They are both from John Schmidt's Winter Serenade album that I fell in love with in college. There were many a stressful teary night when I would lay down to bed, put this CD on repeat and it would quiet my brain away and lull me off to sleep. I love the whole thing! The first is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever (Along with O Holy Night (preferably sung by a nice baritone voice) and Mary's Lullaby by Debbie West Coon) The second one is not necessarily a Christmas song. It's the last song on the album and I just think her little voice is the cutest thing ever. Should I ever get married, this song will be on my wedding video. These songs just make me happy. They make me smile, and they make me feel peace. Just wanted to share :)

*despite of the fact that I can't make blogger fit the links INSIDE my post ...irritating!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, can't handle the size issue anymore ...so look it up on you tube :) John Schmidt's 'Still Still Still' and 'I Will'. Awesome stuff.