The Journey -It's a Long One

I'm at kind of an impasse with myself. I don't even know how to begin. I haven't updated anything of substance for so long, and the longer it gets the more I find myself asking what the point is of trying to catch myself up in the blogging world. It's been nearly eight months since I've been back in Utah. Eight months, and I still type the words and my brain says, "In that place completely devoid of any cultural diversity." So there's that. Eight months, and I'm still figuring it out; What this new phase of my life looks like. The thing I most often compare what I've been through is the defibrillating of a heart. When we defibrillate a heart --send a giant shock to the muscle-- there is a moment when the heart is completely stunned into stillness. We resume CPR (contrary to what you have seen on tv) immediately after the shock to force the heart muscle through the motions of beating. To pump oxygen to the muscle so that it can begin to beat again on it's own. For two minutes we pump oxygen to the heart muscle before we check for a return of spontaneous circulation. Before we see if the heart is able to do it again on it's own after such a giant shock.

As much as I planned and was looking forward to moving closer to family, I was ill-prepared for what a shock it truly was to my system. To me. I look back to those first few days and I wonder if they actually happened. Was this real life? Did I actually leave a beloved friend's wedding to drive 800 miles, unpack my entire life in a day and start a new job two days after leaving the place that still feels like home? It's all such a blur. I remember smiling and faking it a lot --just because I was so stunned from the change that I couldn't keep up with reality. I watched a lot of The Vampire Diaries, and listened to a lot of music --because they were constants. I remember hoping that I wouldn't be unbearable enough to permanently damage any friendships, but feeling powerless to change or take control over any of it. It's all such a fog now!  I feel as though I'm finally emerging from the fog though, finally keeping up with life.

And oh those people who saw me through it. The girl that left so long ago is not the one who returned. The girl that left who had never lived without roommates, thrived on being constantly surrounded by people, with lists of things to do and social functions to attend. The girl who lived for all things college-life. That girl came to value the calm and serenity of solitude. She came to no longer fear being truly alone with herself, she didn't need the other noise anymore. The obsession with all things college-related moved to an obsession with the Yankees, and Broadway, art and literature, and love, and being outside, and self-discovery. The girl who never missed an episode of Grey's Anatomy realized that she hadn't actually liked the show for the past four years, yet continued to watch every week. Until that realization. Things just change. Not my most eloquent words, but simple and true. It was a long seven year process. It still is. It always is. That's life, right?

And the thing about only seeing people on vacation -family and friends- is that you only see the best parts of each other. It's all sunshine and reunions and catching up. Before any of the real-life hits it's time to go back to your real lives. And so it's been rough. I'm so grateful to have friendships that have stood the test of time and change and growth. For friends who are still friends even when I bail on plans we've made. Friends that have put up with me during this tumultuous time of my life --I quite honestly haven't made it easy on anyone. But it's getting easier for me. Easier to be here. I no longer cry on the way home from my parent's house or from my brother and sister-in-laws. I no longer cry at the thought of having to put scrubs on and go to work. I no longer require ten minutes of sitting in my car to talk myself in to going in to work. It took a lot of Wednesday nights, a lot of cross-continent venting sessions, a lot of therapy-writing, a lot of wistful text messages to my Seattle family, and ultimately a dinner in Seattle with the people of the last five years of my life to let me normalize myself.

The opening sentence to each journal entry written during the first six months of living here:

*I never wanted to come back here. I've hated it here since I left if I'm being honest with myself. (Sept.)
*What was once a passion is now a mindless diversion. I smile, I say the right things, I don't care. This isn't what I signed up for. It's not the vision, not the plan. (Sept.)
*I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here. (Oct.)
* It's been a reflective past couple months. I'm struggling to hold on to myself. To the girl that I fought so hard to become. (Dec)
*I'm still hanging in here, just trying to figure life out. (Jan.)
* I haven't felt "at home" for six months. Every part of me feels out of place. (Jan.)

Thoughts scribbled on my trip back to Seattle in the end of January --meant to be notes to a long and beautiful blog post, then two months went by and I still hadn't written it anywhere outside of my head:

*It feels like I'm going home.
*It's been six months since I've been on a plane,and I'm strangely out of my routine. The ear planes, the phone, the iPad, the noise cancelling headphones, I'm out of practice!
*The airport smells like home!
*Never underestimate the comfort to be found in a grocery store that's familiar.
*Everything looks familiar here. There are trees everywhere, and it's just easier to breathe. Like a weight is finally off my chest.
*It's more than just familiarity. It's the sitting in a room at a dinner table full of people that you've been through the worse of your life with. As have they. And we're all healed. And happy. And whole.

That trip. That dinner. There are just no words to describe. What I came away with was that it wasn't the location that I missed. It was the familiarity and the bonds of friendship that I missed.  My dear friend Janice put it best when she said, "This whole weekend has been amazing. It has shown me how people can truly heal, even from their lowest lows. How change can be good, and sad at the same time. How sometimes friends are more family than your family is. And how even after many years, those trusted in your darkest moments are still your biggest support no matter the time or distance between you... What a good weekend of memories, friendship, and love."  There are many people I wanted to see, but didn't have time to. And a couple that I would have liked to spend more time with than I did, but the group at that dinner table could not have been more perfect. Every person at that table had been through the roughest part of their lives at some point in the last five years. And each person there had seen each other person through it. We all know each other's skeletons and deepest secrets because we lived through them. And to sit there and just look around and how whole and happy and healed and grown up everyone was. It was mind-blowing. The moments we shared. The moments and the way that we took care of each other. The way we leaned and relied on each other. Bonds forged in the fire that can never be broken. It's strange the way feeling so at home for a weekend made me okay with coming back to my life. But okay I was. I came back and I felt like myself again.

I had a moment. A flashing moment on the tarmac just as we were picking up speed (my favorite part of a flight) about to take off from Seattle soil where I panicked. Where I felt like,and actually contemplated, running up the aisle and screaming, NO! I don't want to go! Don't take me away from here! Tears rolled down my cheeks and my breathing became shallow and rapid, panicked. Before I took a deep breath and told myself, no. It's ok. It's time for you to figure this out. Go back and figure out this next step. And don't you dare be that quiet timid girl who dreamed small and accepted what was given. You fight. Fight to stay the you that is at peace and at home here. The girl who dreams and lives large and loud. The woman who is apologetically herself. You went through a lot to become her, don't loose her. Don't you dare stop exploring, experiencing, and loving. They may think you insignificant, but don't you dare make it so.

And that was it. I came home and I started living again. Not just going through the motions. I started running. I started being outside. I started smiling. I started uploading photos to facebook -something I hadn't felt like doing for months. I finally felt up to it. My dear friend Mercy is living in Ethiopia saving lives in the realm of public health --she's amazing. She had messaged me a day or so before having a homesick day -craving the familiar. As you do. The "home" in homesick is a very relative thing. I shared with her my post-vaca realization "The move was harder than I could have ever anticipated. I thought it was going to be easy to be honest. All good things, sunshine and roses and what not. Then I got here and was just in complete shock for six months. Just stunned with change. Going through the motions, grasping at anything that made me feel human...It wasn't really Seattle that I missed, it was the feelings. The people. My people. And thank God for modern technology, because I have those things with me everywhere.I have access to my people always. And maybe we don't get to all sit in the same room very often, but when we do, it's magic. Friendships like that never die. Even though it's hard to be thousands of miles from the people who know you best, and whom you love with all your soul, the relationships are there."

Even through the rough months I was SO blessed with amazing friends. Both far away -as described at length. But also here. And I don't want any of my struggles to take away from the sheer awesomeness of my people here. It's not them, it's me ;) My best friend from high-school and I have been getting together every Wednesday under the pretense of baking. Don't get me wrong we always bake something, but this has been the thing that I look forward to like no other. I count down to the days when I see her and her sweet family like therapy. Her friendship has been a constant through all phases of my life, and I couldn't be more grateful to be so close again.

My amazing brother and sister-in-law have saved me so many times! I leaned on those Sunday dinners and days when I could spend the day playing at their house with my nephew like it was necessary for my survival. And really, it probably was. I'm such a lucky girl to have such an amazing brother who married such an amazing woman and who makes such adorable little humans :)

My sister. Oh my sister. What would I do without her! Having her so close and always within text or call for my many freak-outs is a god-send. And her sweet husband and sweet sweet baby. I really have the luckiest family in the world.  My mom who loves me so much, and my dad who just gets me in a way that few people on this earth do. They're amazing.

And my Jill. Jill is my tie to my college years -that's when we became such good friends, and she's saved me in oh so many ways since I've been back. The parties, the dinners, the showing me where Target is,and where the yummy places to eat are, and really, just how to live here!! :)  Love her!

And that has been the last eight months of my life in re-cap. Minus the Seahawks superbowl win, and a couple other things to be blogged about later. There ya go Heids --I blogged ;)

Oh, and a couple of bonus random thoughts:

*I feel bad for people with thin naturally sleek frizz-free hair. They will never know the orgasmic joy of the silky smooth softness that is your hair after a deep conditioning Moroccan oil mask!

*Miracles aren't always punctuation marks. -Elisabeth R. Finch (The Fault in Our Stars)

*I'm OBSESSED with the ballerina project on instagram!!!

*I started my third week of training for a 5k today and actually enjoyed my run!  I'm not so much looking to love running --if I do that'd be great, but I just don't want to hate it anymore. I want it to be something I can do -even if I choose not to after running my 5k. I don't want to be stuck in middle school anymore where my attitude toward running currently resides.

The Greatest City in the World

I'm sitting here slathered in menthol, drinking my tea, and watching last night's Project Runway bemoaning the fact that I have to go to work in a couple hours. I really wish I worked in a career that it was acceptable to call in sick when you're sick. But, I digress. The designers each went to a different European city for inspiration and fabric. I watched the scenes play out in Barcelona, Berlin, London, and Paris. Then they came back to the designer left in New York City, and I as they showed the skyline I realized that I'd rather be there than at any of the other placed they showed. Sure I'd like to go to all of those cities in Europe, and it would be amazing to see all the history. And I will go someday, and it will be incredible, and I will love it. And I loved my time in Greece and wouldn't trade it for anything. But there's something about you, New York. You will always hold my soul, no place will ever compare, you truly are the greatest city in the world. What is it about you?! Sigh.  That got me thinking. Living on my own in New York and discovering myself and becoming myself... Living in New York is my single most proud accomplishment of my first thirty years. There truly are no words. I can try, and I have, but ultimately the experience was mine alone and always will be. It simply has to be lived.  But I was reminded of another list of 30 things you should know by 30 that I found on glo by MSN the other night at work.  Enjoy!

30 Things You Should Know By 30

1.  That when he doesn't call back, it's not because he didn't get the message.

2.  That there's a difference between love and lust.

3.  That sometimes sleeping in and sleeping alone is the ultimate luxury.

4.  How to strike up a conversation with a handsome stranger.

5.  How to get ready to go out in less than 20 minutes.

6.  That the dishes can wait, but not forever.

7.  That time really does move faster as you get older.

8.  How to prepare at least one dish that doesn't require a microwave.

9.  How to dine out --and truly enjoy it.

10.  How to change your oil.

11.  How to life without a credit card.

12.  How to ask for a raise.

13.  How to respond when you don't get one.

14.  How to make the most of your vacation days.

15.  How to sign up for a cell phone/data pkg/buy a car without getting fleeced.

16.  What a retirement plan is and how to make sure you're setting aside enough.

17.  Your drink of choice.

18.  Your alcohol limit.

19.  That sometimes nothing feels as good as getting carded.

20.  How to tell a good non-dirty joke -you never know when you'll need a good ice breaker.

21.  That a good friend will forgive you if you forget her birthday.

22.  How to put someone else first.

23.  How to agree and disagree -and really mean it.

24.  That your family baggage is to heavy to keep carrying around.

25.  That staying out of the sun really is the best anti-aging advice.

26.  That certain fashion trends aren't worth trying. Ever.

27.  That you're either a person who can wear bangs, or you're not.

28.  That making timelines for your life is generally a waste of time.

29.  That changing your mind doesn't mean you're inconsistent -it just means you're smart enough to know that our views and opinions evolve.

30.  That someone will always be prettier or younger or smarter or more successful. But no one else will ever be quite the same combination of those things that you are.

Now, to save myself the time and finger exercise of saying it after each one... So true!!!!

On Being 30

Tonight at work I had a bit of time on my hands. I got momentarily lost in a loop of linked articles --words of wisdom and random lists on everything you can imagine. Some are just too good not to share. This is a compilation from Glamour Magazine. I can honestly say that each of these resonates with me and I think I've accomplished each one. Some I feel more passionate about than others, but they're all glorious. Love.

By 30 you should have ...

1.  One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come. (Sigh, yes. Good.)

2.  A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. (My bed. My glorious bed. My moust proud possession and purchase.)

3.  Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. (That little black dress.)

4.  A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.  (Isn't this so true? So adult?)

5.  A youth you're content to move beyond. (Yes -content!)

6.  A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age. (Oh the tales to be told -but not for several years :) )

7.  The realization that you are actually going to have an old age --and some money set aside to help fund it.

8.  An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account --all of which nobody has access to but you.

9.  A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.(Proud moment!)

10.  One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11.  A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. (check, check, and check :) )

12.  Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13.  The belief that you deserve it.

14.  A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.

15.  A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30 you should know ...

1.  How to fall in love without loosing yourself.

2.  How you feel about having kids.

3.  How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. (A true defining moment of adulthood)

4.  When to try harder, and when to walk away. (SO important -sometimes it's just not worth the other)

5.  How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.

6.  The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7.  How to live alone, even if you don't like to.  (SO important!!!!)

8.  Where to go --be it your best friend's kitchen table or a yoga mat --when your soul needs soothing.

9.  That you can't change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10.  That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. (And it was pretty close to perfect.)

11.  What you would and wouldn't do for money or love.

12.  That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. (Oh SO true)

13.  Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.

14.  Not to apologize for something that isn't your fault.

15.  Why they say life begins at 30. (And it does. It really does. It's a beautiful thing!)

Athens

There was a day. A day in college when, after watching The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, my roommates and I made a pact. We were going to Greece when we turned 30. Fast-forward ten years. One is married with baby number two on the way. One had plans to spend the summer in Southeast Asia with YouthClinic on a mission trip. And the other was slaving away working all summer for the University.  And there I was. Slaving away in Seattle... there's just one thing. I still had a dream. And I was committed. Fast-forward 13-months of planning and me and three dear friends from work are in an airport in Philadelphia. We were in the jet-way waiting in line to get on the massive airliner and it hit me. I was going to Greece. This was it, I'd really done it. We snapped a photo, roller bags in hand and settled into our seats.

I had never been on such a large plane! We had come prepared for the 12 hour flight with plenty of anti-anxiety and sleeping medications. After doling them out for the just-in-case-we-woke-up scenario, we settled in. When we got up in the air we cheers-ed with our waters and downed the lunesta. I reached up above me to turn off my overhead light... it did NOT turn off when you pushed it. It did however give me a good second-degree burn to my finger.  Never fear. I added a vicodin to my sleepy-cocktail, stuck the finger in my bottle of water and went to sleep. My finger felt better, but the blister stayed with me for the majority of the trip :(

We landed safely in Athens twelve hours later and I woke up just as we were descending. It was perfect.  Of course I had been woken up a few times on flight when the flight attendants brought us food. Apparently it's not like on domestic flights when if you're sleeping they assume you don't want your complimentary beverage and peanuts. I forgave them. Probably because of the narcotics.  Anywho... So we landed in Athens and made it through my first customs line. And we got our first stamps in our passports!!! Well, all of us but Krista.

It was a pretty big deal. So was the driver I had arranged for to pick us up and take us to our hotel. He had my name on a card and everything!! We followed him out to the car and he offered us each a bottled water for the drive. We accepted and got in the car, giddy with excitement. It was 9am when we landed in Athens and we were excited for a day of fun.  We each took a sip of our bottled water, and I don't know about everyone else, but I was instantly dismayed. I did not like the water in Greece. It had this TERRIBLE metallic taste to it. And I am a water drinker. Seriously. I kept at it though, thinking that I'd have to get used to it, or it was going to be a long week. After a few sips I said something to the other girls. They thought the same thing. It was at that moment that Siobhan remembered that the one time she'd taken lunesta before, she'd had the same problem. Boy was I relieved!!! It wasn't the water, it was a side-effect of the medicine. I was going to be ok after all.  Our driver was great, and even stopped on a ridge as we first came into Athens so we could take photos of the amazing ancient landscape.

We checked into our hotel at the Athens Cypria and settled in... Got connected to the wifi so we could check out Greek Google, then we headed out to explore. By far the pinnacle of our time in Athens was the amazing history we saw while there. There are no words to express how it felt to walk through the birthplace of democracy --literally. How crazy is that?!  And the ruins built by a civillization thousands of years ago that are still standing today. It was beyond words.

Graduation...

Circa June 10, 2012.  Prepare yourselves for a small blog dump over the next few days... All the things I've been meaning to but putting off over the past six months. Today's round: My graduation from the University of Washington with a Bachelor's degree in Nursing.

June 10, 2012 marked the completion of my on year full-time student-ship at the University of Washington on the Bothell campus. It was easy to say that it was just a piece of paper, and it felt like a giant waste of time at times. I'll tell you this, however. I've learned to be a more complete nurse. I've become a more well-rounded person. There was a large emphasis on leadership, diversity, and community nursing. And the bottom line is that an education is never wasted. So while I feel as though my technical writing skills and student-studying and learning new information skills may have lessened over the course of a year, I did learn these things. And I became good friends with a coworker Jen Raymond while I was at it. Driving once a week to and from class in the wee hours will do that to you.  Before I share the pictures though, I'll tell you my favorite part about graduation.  The week before I graduated, my parents and I met in Washington DC and I showed them around the city and around Gettysburg. Then they flew out with me to see me graduate. No matter how much I told my mother that it really didn't mean that much, and that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go, she insisted that I was going and that my parents were coming to see me. And I'm glad she made me go. It was a big deal.

On My Way

Here I am. At the airport. In my hands is a passport, a ticket that says Athens, and a chunk of euros. It's weird. Just weird. It's really here. My roommates and I all said in college that when we turned 30 we would go to Greece. And now here I am. That makes this the fulfillment of a goal I have had longer than any other in my thirty years. Longer than any of my college degrees or even my career. Not that those things just happened, because there was a LOT of blood, sweat, tears, and unbelievable hard work involved, but I set out to do them and withn a year, two at most, they were done. Eeeeekkkk!!!!!! I'm going to greece! :) ...and I tried to upload a picture of said items but I apparently can't upload it to blogger from my iPad. Grrr...

Mem'ries Light the Corner of my Mind

I remember the night like a crystal clear video playing in my mind, even though it was ten years ago this month. I was driving home in my car Nellie. It was dark, 10 or 11 at night. I stopped at the mailbox down the street from home, got out my mail key, and like any other night, checked the box on the way home. This time there was a white envelope for me in it. A white envelope with a purple Weber State University emblem in the top left corner. I started to shake, grabbed the rest of the contents from the box and sat back down in my car. I took a deep shaky breath, put everything down except that one envelope. I turned it over and with another tremulous breath slid my finger under the flap. I pulled out the tri-fold letter, took another breath, unfolded it as I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes after another deep breath and read the words, "Miss Toni Lehman, the cooperative nursing program at Utah State and Weber State University is proud to welcome you into the class of nursing to begin this fall on the campus of Utah State University." I gasped, grinned, and shrieked in the same moment and clapped my hands and hit Nellie's steering wheel repeatedly in excitement. I drove around the corner and pulled into the driveway. I gathered my belongings out of my car, went inside, put the rest of the mail on the counter and went in to the front-room where my mother was laying on the couch reading a book and having her nightly bowl of popcorn. I turned the corner, grinned, and proudly proclaimed, "Mom... I got in!!" Then I jumped up and down, gave her a big hug and then sat down almost in shock on the piano bench. I had done it. I was one of the top 24 of the 325 applicants to one of the nation's top nursing programs --and I made it into the program on my first try. I remember the moment so well now, the moment that shaped my destiny and has taken me on such a crazy journey. It's crazy to think and more than just a little surreal to reflect on where my life is now because of that one night. It's just so right. Everything before and every tear and moment of laughter since has brought me to this place where I am in my life now, and it's just... So. Right. What a crazy road, this thing we call life. Can't wait to see what else lies in store!

The thing is...

Hi all!  Sorry I've been so quiet lately. I've been busy with a multitude of fairly menial tasks, and well, quite frankly, my internal dialog has been quite monotonous and repetitive. Pretty much I just haven't had much new/inspiring/colorful/entertaining to say :)  I've been busy with work, and with getting ready for my sister's wedding (read scheduling hair cut/color/blowout appointments), and with the day to day 'housekeeping' sort of tasks that if not kept up on will overwhelm your life with clutter.  It's amazing how the little things can pile up and how freeing it is when you actually accomplish them!  I only have three more appointments to schedule before the weekend and I'll be all caught up. Oh, and I need to back up my computer, save all my photos to discs, download my free windows 7 and microsoft office 2011 upgrade, and update my anti-virus software. And I need to download netflix, update the apps on my phone, update my starbucks card, and I just saw an app store for my computer?  Hello angry birds on my 17" screen!! (menial tasks like I said, but there's a bazillion of 'em)  Phew. In addition I've officially become a card carrying University of Washington Husky. That's right folks, school officially began with orientation this week (hence the free windows 7 and microsoft office updates). And I made it official by stopping by the bookstore and picking myself up some purple gear --purple plaid lounge-y pj bottoms and a purple comfy cotton jammie tshirt. Purple will never replace Aggie blue, but I'm doing this new thing where I stay in the 'present' of my own life :)  The other thing I accomplished this week was the passing of my Certified Emergency Nurse (CEN) exam.  It's kind of like taking the nursing boards again only its all specific to emergency care. Something like only 2% of emergency nurses have this certification, so it's kind of a big deal. But also sad for our profession, no? Only 2%?

Now that we know what I've been up to... I still don't really have any thoughts of my own to share. I've been in a SaTC marathon mode, contemplating the status of my life and relationships and goals. Like I said earlier, monotonous and repetitive :) However, today I was inspired by words of a dear friend.  She had the following to say:

We are more afraid of how great we can be than that we are nothing; more afraid to be truly loved, than rejected; More afraid of true friends, than of fake ones; More afraid of what we can do and handle, than what we can't. We don't want to see what we can do and be, have and love because it comes at a higher greater cost. True friends, true love, true greatness comes as a great and wonderful gift, but at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty. To love someone enough to be willing to die for them, is also to love them enough to be willing to live for them, which may actually be more difficult. To truly care means to know you will feel and share as much pain as you do joy that isn't your own or about you. To know you are great and capable is to know you have no excuse for not doing all you can and should, and to be left with out an excuse is scary. To know you are great and loved, and to love, is to know that you MUST give your ALL, no matter the cost, or stand as if naked before God and face the consequence of not doing what you could, when He gave you everything you needed to accomplish all he asked of you. --Mandi M.


So very true, and reminded me of my favorite Nelson Mandela quote.  The part that I loved was that true friends, love, and greatness come at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty.  Isn't that so true?  The thing about having it all and actually reaching for all that we are capable of is that you have so much more to loose. That's where the fear comes in. It's not that I'm afraid to be truly loved in and of itself, it's that I'm afraid that once I have that again I'll loose it again. When you achieve great things and risk great things to put yourself in great places you have a lot further to fall, a lot more to risk, a lot more to loose. It's easier to stay in the comfort of the familiar and stagnant than the sometimes scary land of growth, progress, and greatness. Not better, but easier. So here's to pushing ourselves. To standing a little taller, being a little better, and as Harriet Tubman once said, "Always remember you have within you the strength, the patience, the passion to reach for the stars. To change the world."

525,600 Minutes

This post may seem slightly at an odd time of year since the nearest upcoming holiday is Christmas. But we all know how I feel about doing things in order ...it drives me nuts if things aren't in chronological order :) But ...it's where my mind is now. I'm watching RENT. One of the best productions in history. Words can't describe the magic and the mood of the first time I saw RENT on Broadway in New York City. It was a spur of the moment thing, on a recommendation from my favorite resident rent-head Jill. My friend Danielle was visiting me in NYC. We had a couple hours of time unplanned to wander the streets of my favorite place on earth. I had talked to Jill earlier in the day and she informed me that Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were in town reprising their original cast roles for the week. She pleaded with me to go in her honor since she couldn't make it out. I hadn't seen it before, but I know how passionate she is about it, and Danielle and I were able to score $20 second row seats for that night's performance so we decided to give it a go. It was literally one of the defining moments in my life. I sat through the entire production moved beyond words, beyond tears. The stream of powerful emotion roaring through me. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I felt lost, and I felt purpose. And I felt myself beginning to emerge anew. I began to discover who I really was. Again. Out on my own. As an adult living in the greatest city in the world. As a nurse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister.

From that moment I began to live my life for me. In baby steps. Since then I have accomplished countless goals that I'm proud of, and set many more. I've become an amazing well rounded person who loves without holding back and who notices and takes stock in the small things. I say this not to boast of myself, but because I have made it a point to celebrate the good things I do. I think we should all celebrate more of our accomplishments and the root that they all come from. And I think it's ok to say that I think I'm turning into an amazing person. I'm not there yet, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. And I like myself. In the years since that fateful Broadway night I've learned to love myself. I've hated myself, I've been lost and confused and hurt. I've fallen in love and picked myself back up. The good always out weighs the bad.

So now as I'm watching the movie RENT (not the same as seeing it live, but an acceptable substitute because of the memories it evokes) I'm asking myself how I've spent the last 525,600 minutes of my life. Can it be measured in miles driven? Trips to Starbucks? Hours at work? Lives saved? New journeys? In truths learned? Tears cried? Bridges burned? Friends made? Sleep lost? Life should be measured in love. All four seasons. Seasons of love laughter life and learning. As compared to previous years, it seems I didn't really do much of anything this year. I remember at the start of the year I made it a point to be more selfish and do more me. Well, I went on with my life and plodded on along like normal. Looking back I was kind of a shell and a puppet. It was on a trip to North Carolina in the late summer that I realized my misstep. I was deep in conversation with a soul-sister of mine, Serena, when she essentially hit me over the head with a hammer. We were discussing our lives and how they were so different than we had ever planned, and we didn't know how we ended up where we were. We discussed living and loving and evolving, and she said to me, "Toni, I just feel like you've lost who you are. I feel like you don't know who YOU really are anymore."

She was right. It turns out when you make a goal to focus on yourself you have to do more than just say you're going to do it. You can't say you're going to make a change then carry on with life as if nothing is different. I may not have done things this year like I have in past years. I haven't learned a new language like I wanted, or gone sky-diving, or scuba-diving on a foreign tropical vacation. As it turns out what I did was find myself. I felt a LOT of emotion and I owned it all. All year long. That night in the car with Serena was another rebirth to me. Her words were so beautiful, heartfelt, and simple that I could never have come to them on my own ...one of those too close to the forest to see the trees things. We made a pact that night. I promised her that I would go back home to Seattle and that I would find myself. That I would free myself of the baggage that had been holding me down. That I would cut ties with the people I was nice to out of obligation who were just dragging me away from who I was. From that moment on I was on operation find myself. Full force. I stopped worrying about the petty things. I did or did not do things because I did or didn't want to. I stopped all my defensive false pretenses. I had a few slip ups and a few backslides, but Serena was always just a phone call and stern-reminding word away. And I loved her for it. She kept me on track and she didn't let me have or do anything less than what I absolutely ultimately wanted/deserved.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I took a year off from being myself to find myself. Make sense? :) It has been a journey and has taken everything out of me. And only good things have been molded back. I'm back. I'm me again and I'm a confident me and I love again. It's what I do. I love. Things, people, life, everything. I'm back. That's the point :) And I'm moving on and moving forward with a life that I am more familiar with. A life with what I know ...new things and adventures and a hunger for progression. The ball has started rolling already. I haven't wasted my last 525,600 minutes. My journey may have taken longer than I might have hoped, but it is what it is. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. It's mine.

Looking forward to my next 525,600 minutes I anticipate many things. Vacations are back ...Boston for St. Patty's day here I come ...New Orleans here I come ...etc. School is back, I'm now officially a Husky ...Go Dawgs ...and I'm on track for my second baccalaureate degree. I'm going to be a better nurse and I'm going to have a lot more letters behind my name. I've said goodbye to complacency and I don't miss it. And this year I'm going to do it. I'm going to learn a second language. Maybe two because I can't decide between Italian (because it's just so beautiful) or Spanish (because it's just so useful). I'll still have my trips to Starbucks, my tears, my laughter, my hours at work, lives saved, truths learned, and I'm sure tears cried and bridges burned. But I'll measure my next year in love. Because really, life is short. Live life to the fullest, every moment. Every single one. Love without holding back. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other day, no other way, no day but today. And always, ALWAYS viva la vie boheme!!!!! Much love all, and may you all have a blessed and rich holiday season!

You're going to feel a little poke...

This is something I say an average of 50 times a night while at work. I say it no matter how big the needle is, where it is going, and regardless of whether the patient is conscious enough to hear me, let alone feel anything. Yes, I have said the words 'You're going to feel a little poke' while holding a 14 gauge (slightly smaller than a ballpoint pen) needle over the arm of a not-officially-dead-yet-but-we-all-know-what-is-coming unconscious patient whom we are both breathing for and pumping their heart. It gets to be habit. One of those things that automatically falls out of your mouth. It's as much a part of the procedure as putting on the tourniquet. Very routine and mundane ...until...

So, there is a Friends moment for every situation you will come across in life. I have been saying this since I was 11 when the show first began, and it was true last night at work as well. There was an episode (I'm thinking around season 5 or 6) where Rachel decides she's going to complete the crossword puzzle in the NY Times all by herself --something she's never done that before. When she finishes, she is by herself in Central Perk, jumps up enthusiastically and says, "I did it! I did it ...and there's no one here to hug!" This was me at work last night (that would be early this morning for those of you who sleep when it is dark outside :) ) Only no crosswords were involved. No where in the US will you find an ER where the staff has time to do crossword puzzles on a Friday night --especially after last call.

In other places I've worked, Respiratory Therapy has been in charge of drawing arterial blood gasses. For those of you who don't know, an ABG is a small sample of blood taken directly from an artery (usually the radial artery --on the inside of your wrist where you would normally count your pulse) It's a little more difficult than your routine blood draw and IV start --artery walls are much thicker and deeper --and closer to bone and nerves. People don't like you when you hit their bones and nerves with sharp needles. Until today, this has never been a problem for me -whenever I've needed one drawn, I've just paged RT. Well, last night my very sick diabetic patient who was not doing well needed a blood gas drawn. At this hospital, the ER nurses draw their own. RT gets the ones on the floor, and are available for backup (like in a code situation.) Generally in the medical profession, we operate on a 'see one, do one, teach one' basis. However, in a busy urban ER on a Friday night, my fellow nurses were all busy trying to save their own patients lives --I would have to bypass the first step. I actually called RT for reinforcements (this took a giant gulp of swallowing my ego and stooping to the level of a floor nurse -gasp!) but they were busy in the NICU. I got a brief set of instructions over the phone, and decided that I could handle it. I really had no other option --my patient was sick. How hard can it be right?

So I get all the stuff together and head into my patients room and under the very watchful eye of her family explained what I was doing as I felt for the artery, said 'you're going to feel a little poke,' stuck the needle in and got it on the first try! It took some work to not appear too pleased with myself. My patient could not appreciate the magnitude of the procedure I just performed, neither could her family --they were all under the impression I had done this before. Trick of the trade -- NEVER tell the patient things like, 'yes, this is my first one' or admit that your nervous, and you never let your hand shake. Even if all the above are true. If you don't feel comfortable to be doing the procedure confidently, then you shouldn't be doing it.

Back to my original point. When I was done, I refrained from jumping up and down, but in my head I was screaming 'I did it! I did it!' Then when I walked out of the room, there was no one to hug! Sad! My coworkers who would have appreciated the magnitude of the story were all otherwise occupied, and the tech I was working with was not the hugging type. So I settled for coming home and writing about it.

The commute home gave me time to think ...I was still immensely proud of myself, and in the car by myself I could grin all I wanted at my accomplishment. The thing is though, the things I've learned while being a nurse apply to much more than just getting a blood gas. Life is really about how you sell it. There is a lot to be said for taking the bull by the horns. I wasn't going into this blind, I had all the preparation I needed, and if I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing the procedure, or if it would have been outside the scope of my practice, I certainly wouldn't have done it. But sometimes in life, you have to push along with a confident smile on your face --no matter how nervous you are on the inside --bite the bullet and do what needs to be done. No whining, or procrastinating. I felt good leaving work today knowing that I helped my patient, and that she got better quicker because I was able to do so. And I felt good leaving that patients room and having them think that for me this had been just another routine part of my day. Just like starting the two large bore IVs that I had done earlier -something I have literally done tens of thousands of. I do wish though that someone had been there to hug!