It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Nothing says the 4th of July to me like a girl walking through a farmer's hay field in a sundress and flip flops to a small town parade where hoards of small children gorge on sugar and sunscreen. The smell of hairspray and world domination thick in the air as dancers, cheerleaders, and rodeo queens prance by in puffs of glitter. The crowd cheering perhaps loudest of all for the boy scout troop scooping piles of manure into giant buckets pulled by 4-wheelers following the horse brigade. This has been my day. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. The great thing is that this day is repeated in small towns throughout this vast vast country of ours.

I stopped by the grocery store we used to sneak to for donuts while ditching class in high school, this time to pick up some deli lunch-meats with my mom.

I've eater watermelon, sloppy joes, and so many cherries my fingers are stained red. I accepted half-eaten taffy bites from my nephews. I've laughed so hard my stomach hurt and my lungs spasmed.

I watched fireworks explode in the sky, hot dog on my plate, tears on my cheeks, as God Bless America played in the background.

I listened to Kenny, Brad, Zac, and Rodney. I watched The Sandlot, and I watched the beautiful flag wave in the hot summer breeze of my parents porch. I kept tabs on the Yankee game. (they won)

And I gave a silent prayer of thanks to be able to be here with my family. And for all those who have fought so hard and sacrificed so much in order for me to enjoy the day in celebration of freedom and independence.

An Admission

There are things I am not grateful for.

What I am grateful for is my bed. Always my bed. I'm grateful for this awesome and amazing world and all the beauty in it. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've made to explore some small part of it. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've taken to live in other places and to learn and grow. To discover myself, to become myself, and to love who I am.  I'm grateful for my parents. For my brothers and sisters, and my cutest nephews in the world. And I'm grateful for my people. For a small handful of my best friends. People that I don't have to explain myself to. Two of them here, three in Seattle, one in Iowa, one in Pittsburgh, one in North Carolina, and one in Ethiopia. People who have seen me at my best and at my worst. People who know me sometimes better than I know myself. People that no matter how much time we've spent apart, nothing changes when we get together again. Of the myriad of things I have to be grateful for each day, these are the things I'm grateful for most. And I'm grateful for Stefan. Obvi.

On Valentine's Day

That moment when it's all new. Before you even hold hands, when your fingers accidentally graze then linger on purpose. Maybe the last two fingers on your hand hook the first two of his. Just for the briefest of moments. That connection, that... that something that solidifies your core to a warm liquid pot of... something that radiates to ever nerve ending in your body. Then eye contact, a sly smile -or half -and you're lost.

That moment when you stand with toes touching, you smile, you laugh coyly, shake your head at the ground and glance back up and you're locked. You lean ever so imperceptibly closer. That moment when your lips are millimeters away. Your eyes close, there's the smallest of sharp inhales. That moment.

A New Year

It's that time of year again I suppose. My disdain for following mass media tradition is well documented. However, while the rest of the world is setting goals --most of which they have no intention of keeping, I'll share with you a few of my recent resolutions. I resolve to live more simply. I resolve to be more punctual and caught up with my life. I resolve to renew my thirst for continual knowledge and intellectual stimulation, and continue my appetite for the new adventure.  I resolve --as always, this is a hard one for me, one I'm continually renewing and evolving-- to be kinder to myself. To be more loving, to see the hope in humanity that is sometimes dim in my profession. I resolve to spend more time searching out the positive.  In lieu of these resolutions, gulp, I think it's time for me to travel less. Just for a short time. No need to panic.  It's time to buckle down, pay off the debts that have been gnawing at me for years and spend more time exploring the wonderland around me. There is so much to be seen and enjoyed that I haven't done yet right here that doesn't require excessive travel funds until such things can be put in order. There are so many books to be read, that will let my brain travel and learn new things, new cultures, new ideas. There is so much to get caught up on. In addition to my debts and piles of unread books, are a few years of scrapbooking, and a small notebook of reminders of things still to be blogged.  There is the matter as well of accepting the reality that I am indeed getting older and that responsibility dictates that I make appointments with the dermatologist that I've been meaning to see for a while. And perhaps I should really tell my doctor about my heartburn and gastritis that I've been treating myself for --silly nurses.  And I really should see the podiatrist for my feet that have been bothering me. It's time to take care of myself in all ways, starting from the ground up. And once the foundations are solid, BOY are there some amazing things on the horizon!! Stay tuned world, it's gonna be a fantastic ride!!!

What the World Needs Now

A quick note. My father has given me innumerable gifts in various forms. The most important of all of these is love. My father loves me. And he loves my mother. And that is paramount. That it the foundation that makes me the person that I am. I have a strong male role model in my life who loves me and loves his wife, my mother, who also loves me. The beauty is in the simplicity, and words cannot adequately express the depth of my gratitude.

Still, Still, Still

Here I am, getting ready to go to work, overcome by the Christmas spirit.  I quite honestly enjoy working holidays. I chose a career that doesn't stop for nights weekends and holidays. And I love it. But I wanted to leave you with a few words from my heart this most holy of holy nights. Please be safe. Love your families, love your babies. Laugh together. Enjoy being together. Wear your seatbelts when you travel to you your loved ones homes. Watch your children around pools. Cut up their food into non-chokeable pieces. Make snowmen and snow angels. Be grateful. Be grateful for your families, and for all that you have. Remember that there are many who are not with their families tonight both at home and abroad so that we can be safe and secure tonight. Remember Christ our Savior. Remember the glory of his birth. Remember all he has done for you. Remember that he loves you. Be still, sleep in heavenly peace, and Merry Christmas to all. Every one.

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

How could I have not gotten a single picture of the barbecued hamburgers with all the trimmings?              Goal for next time :)

There's no place like home for the Holidays...

The 4th of July is my very favorite holiday and the one that I'm the most homesick for if I'm not with my family. I got to be home this weekend because my sister was getting married. She had pretty good timing :)  The holiday is all about patriotism, family, parades, and sunshine.  To me this is the life that so many have shed blood sweat and tears for. This is the life that lives have been laid down for. A life of freedom, a life of happiness and sunshine. Our bravest and finest have fought and still fight each day to protect our way of life. I can't not tear up over a grand fireworks display accompanied by the tones of a patriotic melody. I've shared my feelings on my most favorite of holidays here and of course, here. Rather than share more sentimentality, I thought I'd share a bit of what makes Logan my favorite home to be in for the holiday.  First the sunshine. Pools, family, picnics, etc. And oh, those mountains. My beautiful mountains.

 Me, Chelsea, Boston, and Heidi soakin' up the sun

Yours Truly 

I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of fireworks for a few different occasions. But to me the greatest fireworks will always be the ones at Romney Stadium in Logan UT done by Fireworks West. I think part of it is the sentimentality, but in all honesty, they do a GREAT job!!!  Some of my greatest summer memories from my childhood involve laying on the football field with my family watching the fireworks overhead. They were so close that I was sure they were going to fall in my lap.  If we weren't in the stadium we were all huddled on a piece of grass somewhere nearby. Laughing playing, then silenced when the skies lit up. We'd have our car door open and the program was broadcast over local radio.  We'd ooh and aah and occasionally sing along to the instrumental accompaniment of the songs we knew.  As I got older I'd even torture my family with talk of the chemical composition of the fireworks and the different ions that made the different colors. I'm sure they were grateful :) But the fireworks were still an occasion looked forward to, the days counted down. Some things never change.

 Me and my Papa ...clearly the one I get my good looks from :)

My momma, her cousin Bonnie and Duane

The other thing that means Logan on the first weekend of July is the Cruise-In. It's a giant car show filled with amazing restored vintage cars. They're on display at the fairgrounds all weekends and there's bands, sno-cones,  food, and all sorts of fair-type fun. This year the Beach Boys were even in concert! Saturday night they have a parade where all the vintage cars drive up and down main street. Awesome.

 '67 Mustang

 The original Batmobile!  Complete with .50 cal WWII vintage machine guns!

 '54 Corvette

 '54 Porsche 1600s --same as the car on Top Gun :)

'65 GTO

The rest of my weekend was engrossed in wedding-ness. That will be another post later. I also still have more family-fun-parade-and-picnic pictures for later, but this folks, is Logan on the first weekend of July. The only place to be :)

To My Dad

I will never forget the times we've spent. The early mornings filled with Smurfs and PeeWee Herman.  The evenings filled with "Your-ami" Vice and "Dukes"  I'll never forget the hours spent over a coloring book ...and how you never minded when I made you switch pictures halfway through. I'll always remember the countless towers made of blocks and races of the cars around the track.  The way you'd watch  movies with me, or watch movies while I rocked away in my rocking chair singing the  words to some Alabama song or "All My Ex's" at the top of my lungs. I'll always remember our Saturday morning drives to go get a pepsi and how you'd listen to and encourage my every rambling word. I'll never forget the lessons you taught me. Lessons learned by example. You taught me the value of hard work and of taking care of the things you are blessed with. Because of you I knew and still know that I can be whatever I want to be.  I'm so very blessed to have a dad who encourages and supports me at every turn.  Remember when we'd drive down the road --perhaps to get a pepsi or two --and I'd proudly read the words to EVERY word on EVERY sign we passed?  Haha! And you never complained, or bid me silent, just marveled at how brilliant your daughter was.  From you and The Happy Man and His Dump Truck I learned to love reading and learning.  I'm sure you still have nightmares of the little fat man coming to take you away in his truck with his animals, I made you read it so very often.  But I remember. Because of you and Mom I know what it is to be loved and to be cherished. I'm grateful that you loved me enough to expect excellence from me. You've always seen in me things that are sometimes hard to see in myself, and it means the world to me that you are there for me still. Even today, far away and grown, I often long to be at home with my dad.  I miss you every day. And my favorite moments in life are when I can come home to visit and we sit and laugh and chat. Or "watch" a movie ...depending on which one of us can stay awake :) I love calling you to share the latest joke or just to see how your day is going when we haven't talked for a while. I love you and wish you the happiest of days on today, your father's day!!

Narcissism

Thank goodness for spell checker ...that's a tough word to spell. Anyways, my name is Toni and I am a vapid narcissist. It's true. I come to realize this more and more. The most recent case in point was the holiday weekend. I spent the entire weekend in somewhat of a melancholy state. You see, I love my mother, and I love my family, and I miss them terribly. And on holidays especially such as this one it is quite hard for me to be so far away. This was not the main reason behind my mood however. You see, I realized that the mother's day holiday is a weekend long celebration and reminder of the thing I have failed at most in life. Yes, that's right, it's always about me :) See, you thought I was kidding about the narcissism...

Don't get me wrong, I love mothers, they absolutely get their own special day and deserve so much more. I in fact find it somewhat ...offensive? That people who are not mothers are lumped in this category. Let's celebrate the day for what it is. Motherhood. A day for the most noble most challenging and most rewarding profession there is. A day for the people who are primarily responsible for the raising and nurturing of little ones, no matter what their age is. Mothers that are and mothers that were, and the mothers that have given birth and then given the gift of motherhood to someone else. I'm an aunt and an auntie, I'm a role model (of sorts, or so I'm told), I'm a friend, and I am a pretty big deal in general (thanks Mindy :) ). I'm an important person, and I do many great things and I love many people, but I am not a mother. Not yet.

I yearn for this and look forward to the day when the blessing of wife and mother becomes mine. I struggle at times to remember that I am still young and clearly not ready or it would have happened already. For goodness' sake!! I'm only 28 years old!!! Life is great, and life is an amazing adventure and I revel in the things I learn every day and in the experiences and adventures that are mine and mine alone. As a dear friend reminded me yesterday (after a text inquiring if I was the only one feeling like the weekend was a glaring reminder of my failure in the area) I have not failed. I haven't attempted yet. And I still have so many more great and wonderful experiences to discover. Many more days to prepare me to be the best wife and mother I can be. I have a lot to live up to in the example of my mother and the many great mothers that surround me, and I certainly don't want to rush.

I'm not saying I want this now, the thought of it puts me in a certain state of panic... So why the melancholy? I don't know. Cultural/religious expectations born and bred into me? Maybe just because I'm a girl and let's face it, girls are crazy :) But someday for sure. For there truly is no more noble and blessed calling than that of mother.

Easter Season

I know that my Redeemer lives. The words to one of my most favorite hymns. I love taking a moment on these special type holidays that tend to become so commercialized and secular and just remember the true meaning. I'm not saying I don't love the easter bunny and pin-wheels and bubbles (my favorite easter basket prizes when I was little). Actually, I still have parts to a medical kit I got for easter from my Grandma and Grandpa when I was little ...I've always known I wanted to be a nurse, but this little stethoscope and reflex hammer kit kind of cemented it for me :)

But on this special day I just wanted to make a note that I'm also especially grateful for the knowledge I have of a Savior who loves me at all times and through all the bumps in my road. The Savior who's rising from the dead we commemorate today. Easter to me is also a symbol of all things coming new again, and a sure sign of spring. I'll leave you with a few pictures from the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival that I went to the other day.

For some reason I kind of fell in love with this particular white tulip. In a 17 acre field full of rows and rows and rows of every color, this one was the only one growing away all on it's own.

Preparation

In preparation for the holiday season I was getting a playlist ready for my ipod with all my holiday favorites. I was inspired to do this by all the freezing winter weather we're having up here, the possibility of snow tomorrow ...and in honor of the winter menu/music/decorations in Starbucks the other day :) While digging through my massive music collection I found a couple songs I wanted to share. They are both from John Schmidt's Winter Serenade album that I fell in love with in college. There were many a stressful teary night when I would lay down to bed, put this CD on repeat and it would quiet my brain away and lull me off to sleep. I love the whole thing! The first is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever (Along with O Holy Night (preferably sung by a nice baritone voice) and Mary's Lullaby by Debbie West Coon) The second one is not necessarily a Christmas song. It's the last song on the album and I just think her little voice is the cutest thing ever. Should I ever get married, this song will be on my wedding video. These songs just make me happy. They make me smile, and they make me feel peace. Just wanted to share :)

*despite of the fact that I can't make blogger fit the links INSIDE my post ...irritating!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, can't handle the size issue anymore ...so look it up on you tube :) John Schmidt's 'Still Still Still' and 'I Will'. Awesome stuff.

Happy Birthday

A very special very sincere happy birthday to a group of men who deserve it. To a group of men who have put themselves through hell for 235 years to date to ensure we have the quality of life we do. Happy Birthday Marines!!!!

And also ...in related news, Happy Veteran's Day to our veterans. Our heroes. Your sacrifices are not and will not be forgotten. There are no words to say thank you the way it is meant. But thank you. In the most sincere, down deep heart-felt from the bottom of my toes on up. I think Veteran's Day is in a tie for my second favorite holiday. The first being the 4th of July ...tied for second with Thanksgiving. For more reasons than just the men in uniform ...although that doesn't hurt ;) Today a best friend of mine started his journey to be a Ranger with the Army, and two other good friends celebrated their years of service with the Marines this past weekend. I love them each beyond just their service and sacrifice they have made in serving our country. Amazing men. And now I'm teary (how unlike me, I know ;) ) so I'm going to go. But I'll leave you with a thought I got from a friend. It's one of those obnoxious 'put this as your status if...' posts on facebook. I have a rule against reposting stuff like this. I figure I love my mom, sisters, friends, brother's dogs etc, and I tell them and don't need to broadcast said feelings across facebook. But this is a good thought for the day, and technically I'm not breaking my rule :)

A U.S. Military member is somewhere in the world tonight

missing their family while you are safe at home.

In the minute it takes you to read this

Military members across the globe are not only saving lives,

but sacrificing their own lives for your freedom.

Let Freedom Ring

Erma Bombeck once said, "You have to love a nation that celebrates it's Independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but at picnics where kids throw frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die of happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it's patriotism." I love it, and it's so true. The 4th of July always has been and always will be my favorite holiday. It's when we celebrate what we are. And we don't do this with big shows of strength and military muscle on our own soil. Our service men and women are busy fighting at home and abroad to keep our freedoms and ensure the cause of liberty. They do so not with a big show, pomp and circumstance, but every day. Fourth of July or not. I have two dear friends who have served several tours of duty in Iraq with the Marines, and now a friend near and dear to me is preparing to do so as a Ranger in the Army. I know this side of them. The side of them that loves to boat and play ball and joke with friends. The side that throws one heck of a summer barbecue. The side that loves life and laughter. And I've seen glimpses into the sides of them that have gotten blown up in caravans. Seen glimpses into the side of them that has held brothers as they lay fallen in sacrifice for what we take advantage of every day.

One of my favorite 4th of July moments on film is in the movie The Sandlot. When they're all our playing a game of street ball and they all stop to admire the fireworks in the sky while Ray Charles sings about purple mountain's majesty. It brings me to nostalgic tears. Every time. In the words of Rodney Atkins, "It's a high school prom, it's a Springstein song, it's a ride in a Chevrolet. It's a man on the moon, fireflies in June, and kids sellin' lemonade. It's cities and farms, it's open arms, One Nation Under God, it's America." That's why we celebrate with family picnics where kids trow frisbees and have watermelon seed spitting contests. That's why we celebrate with baseball games and fireworks and family friends and loved ones. Because that's what we fight for. That's who we are. We are beautiful spacious skies, we are amber waves of grain, we are purple mountain majesty. We are America. America is families and friends playing and enjoying the sunshine and warm summer nights. That is the heart and soul of what we are and it's why so many now and before us have shed blood sweat and tears. Thank you for those that have gone before and sacrificed so much, that we can have what we take advantage of today. You are not forgotten. You are loved.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from John Fitzgerald Kennedy. "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."

Dear loyal followers...

Still alive and well. Still going crazy and trying to figure life out every day. Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. It's been more of a journal therapy writing time ...my journal has got earful after earful every day over the last month. And trust me, you don't want to hear any of that.

So Happy New Year!! Every new year I think of my college roommates and our resolve that this was going to be our year -dammit! ;) Lol. So this turning over of the calender was fairly uneventful. I was going to go to Vancouver BC with a couple friends. One had to bail for monetary reasons, and I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel to the other two's romantic new years weekend. So I bailed too. I was going to go to a party in Seattle with a couple other friends, until I got home from work in the morning and started projectile vomiting every 10 minutes on the dot. Not so fun. Although, for the record, I haven't thrown up yet this year :) I've made it 2 1/2 whole hours! Woohoo!

It's really kind of funny. I'm not sure how I fell into this responsibility, but everyone at work that is older and married has been grilling me relentlessly about what my fun and exciting single girl nye plans were "so they can live vicariously through me." Apparently my life is quite exciting ;) And it is for the most part, but I'm afraid this new year is starting out quite disappointing. I would rather be married and in bed by ten like all my married friends said they would be. So, my exciting New Year's Eve was brought in with me by myself in my apt in my jammies surrounded by jello, ginger-ale, water, bananas, and applesauce. I watched the new years being rung in in NY and missed NY. And I watched the Seattle celebration on tv. And I swear, if I have to watch anyone else kissing loved ones on tv I'm going to start vomiting again --out of pure jealousy. I made it a whole three minutes into 2010 before I was crying over him and wondering why I cared and why it hurt so much knowing that he was most likely making out with some new stranger. If only it was realistic to make a resolution to cry less :) Haha!

My latest resolutions (just happening to fall around the new year) are to be a better, more honest communicator, and to be more selfish. That is all. Happy New Year everyone!!

NOT another Thanksgiving post!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This post may seem as if I am abandoning all my nonconformist beliefs, but rest assured, I am NOT!!! I have just been particularly grateful for a couple things lately --in no relation to the Holiday, I would have been as equally grateful for them if it was March, and would still be blogging about it. So the fact that today is Thanksgiving is purely coincidence. Now that we've got that all cleared up...

I have the greatest sister in the world. I've been reminiscing in particular about a cross country trip the two of us made. There are songs that will always remind me of her and that trip, and so many memories that I will forever hold near and dear to my heart ...most of which make me laugh so hard --still --that it brings tears to my eyes! I rely on my sister a lot. She is someone that I know I can call at any time of day or night for any reason and she will be there for me. I love her so much!!

I also have the worlds greatest brother! Pretty lucky of me huh?! He is the sweetest most caring and genuine person on the planet. He worries about me and checks in on me regularly :) To make sure I'm well and happy and even to make sure that I'm saving enough for my retirement in the future with all the vacations I've been going on. He just worries about me because he loves me, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing protector! One of my favorite memories of my brother is when he showed up at my college apartment one day on his way to class with a giant box of goldfish crackers. He knew they were my favorite, and said that he just wanted to give them to me and say hi. See why I love this kid so freakin' much?! I have no idea how I lucked out in the family department, but I sure did! I love them more than anything in this world!

I also have been blessed with the greatest friends in the world. Friends who love me and stand by me no matter what messes I consistently and repeatedly get myself into. Friends that I can call or email and vent all my stress and tears and fears as well as all my hopes and dreams. Friends that I know will be there for me no matter what. Friends that have my back and are behind me in every way, no matter what it may cost them. I am possibly the most blessed person on the planet!

I have a lot to live up to, as you can see from this post! I hope to one day be as great a sister and friend as the amazing people I am surrounded by. This is clearly not an all inclusive list of things I am grateful for, but just a couple things that have been running through my mind lately. (I think I've said that the last two or three posts ...weird. Random ...anyways...)

Well, much love to you all. I can never adequately express how I feel about you and how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing people.

2008 is almost over ...Part II

So the last post really got me thinking. I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. There are many things that factor into the equation here. I am very much like a 5 year old child --reverse psychology will get me more often than any other form of manipulation. But it has to be done right. I don't like feeling like I "have" to do things. For this reason (and others ...let's be honest) I don't like Harry Potter. I've never read them, I've never felt the need to, I have absolutely no desire to. I've never seen the Indiana Jones movies, StarWars, Lord of the Rings, etc. If you tell me I have to do something, the thought that goes through my head is, "Oh yeah? Watch me!" By the same token, I will do things simply because I want to, or because other people don't think I can/should/would. I'm more than a little stubborn. Some might not find it an attractive trait, but I've embraced it :)

So. New Years Resolutions. I think they're stupid. New Year's day is in all reality just another day. Each day is a whole new beginning with infinite possibilities and limitless potential. There is nothing special about the beginning of a new year that is not also special about the beginning of a new day, week, or month. I think that we should be continually striving to improve, and continually resolving to do better things and become better people. Similar to my dislike for Valentines Day --I think it's commercial and over done. As I've explained to many a folk --I would rather receive one single daisy on some random Tuesday than a dozen roses on Valentines Day. It's a Hershey's and Halmark fueled annoyance that is a thorn in the side of all true romantics and nonconformists. Not to say that VDay can't be special and done right, but don't just get me a dozen roses because it's VDay and you feel obligated. Ahem. Pardon the side track. As I was saying, my feelings about New Years Resolutions are similar to my feelings on Valentines Day. Don't expect me to write a list of things I'm going to do better or fix about myself just because it's January 1st. If you're into such resolutions, that's fine, I'm not attacking you personally, but that just isn't the way my brain works. My resolutions are really more of a continually working and revolving bucket list of sorts. Things I want to do, things I want to see, and things I want to become. For this reason, I started taking piano lessons in August last year. The things that I have accomplished and become, I have accomplished because I decided that I wanted to be a better person. I decide this every day. That said, I won't be posting about any resolutions I'm making in the upcoming week, because I won't be making any. Just for the sake of balance :)

Year in review then. It has been an absolutely awesome year. Every year manages to get better and better than the last. This year I have lived in Southern California, been to Mexico, I picked up running while I was on the beach, a habit that has stayed with me since, I've lost 40 pounds, I've been to Disneyland and SeaWorld, I've driven from San Diego to Seattle on the Pacific Coast Highway --hugging the line between land and water the entire length of the country. I've done a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I've completed an entire journal and started this blog in the interest of developing my passion for writing. I've delivered babies, saved more lives than I can count, and helped others leave this world in as peaceful and dignified way possible. I've laughed from sheer joy, utter exhaustion, anger, and despair. I've cried tears of the same emotions. I lived in the biggest and greatest city in the world, and came out a better person for it. I've become more assertive, more self confident, and one hell of an ER nurse ...If I do say so myself :) (Yes this is a 'blowing my own horn' post --but it's my blog and my year in review, deal with it :) ) I visited Washington DC, seen the west wing of the White House, been to Arlington National Cemetery. I saw the Yankees and RedSox play in Yankee Stadium ...in the Stadium's final year. I saw the Knicks play, and Janet Jackson Perform at Madison Square Garden. I went to my first NFL game. I fell in love. I found what right now feels like my home --perhaps permanently, we'll see. I paid off three credit cards. I learned enough medical Spanish to get by at work. I ate sushi for the first time. I didn't like it. I made many many new friends and strengthened existing friendships. I went on my first Seattle ferry ride. I've been to the top of the Space Needle and the Empire State Building. I toured the haunted remains of an underground city. I had my feet in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. All in all it's been a good year. I've been busy, but I think this covers most of the things that were new and things that I worked on throughout the year. Here's to another fabulous year of new experiences! Happy New Year everyone!!

Thanksgiving Thoughts

As I sit here my last night at home, about to embark on the next great adventure in my life, a lot of thoughts are running through my head. Thanksgiving has long been a favorite holiday of mine. I think even more than Christmas, slightly less than the Fourth of July. I have so much to be grateful for, and I love the entire holiday dedicated to pondering on my many blessings. I have been privileged to get to see a lot of the country for my job. I must say that no place has struck me quite the way Washington DC did. Not the great city of New York, not the pristine beaches of Southern California, and not the magical wood and water lands of Seattle. I'm sure many of you are surprised to hear this. It was absolutely indescribable to be in the place were the history of our great nation has been and is being written. To visit the cold stone monuments and memorials to those who authored the history of our country when they were warm alive and vibrant. And most of all to walk somberly through the rain soaked grounds at Arlington where the very essence of what the country stands for lays to rest; the place where valor rests. I have been fascinated wit US history since I was in 5th grade and read the book Johnny Tremaine. From the Revolution all the way up to the present day ...I love it! I have often even thought that I would love to go back to school and get my masters in US history. Honestly it's a pipe dream, and will likely never happen, but in the meantime I pacify myself by delving into every piece of historical literature I can get my hands on, fiction and non.

You're probably wondering what all this has to do with Thanksgiving. Well, I am enormously grateful for my American heritage, but that's not why I was thinking about history this Thanksgiving. I have been waxing philosophic about the way we are writing our own pages on the books of history lately. I have spent a lot of time in the last few months wondering why things happen the way they do, and why we are prompted to do certain things and take certain paths. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that I don't know. But I do know in whom I have trusted. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and that his plan is perfect, and it does me no good to be a backseat driver and whine over where I think we should and should not have turned. Every moment of every day is a day in history. It is a day that we won't get back. Each decision we make is a different thread in the fabric of the quilt that is our lives.

Four months ago I left Seattle for New York City. It was a decision that I knew was right, but it still caused me all kinds of inner turmoil. I had never felt more at home in my life than I had in Seattle. I love Logan, and I love my family more than you can know, but I must admit that on all my journeys I have never once been homesick for Utah. I've missed my family and I've missed my friends, but not a single ounce of homesickness for Logan. Seattle was a different story. I loved New York, and I wouldn't trade the experiences I had and the friends I made for anything in the world. I have no doubt that I was supposed to be there. I have no doubt that I am supposed to go back to Seattle tomorrow, but why? I don't know.

So I sit here on the eve of the next page in my history book. I love being at home. There is a lot to be said for sleeping in my old bed, doing not a darn thing but whatever I want and chillin' with my awesome family. No matter where I go, this place, here, my parent's house, will always feel right. What am I the most grateful for? You might say that it's everything I'm leaving. Go figure. I like to think that I'm not leaving what I'm the most grateful for. What I'm the most grateful for stays with me always. My parents are always my parents wherever I go. My brother and sister are always my brother and sister wherever I go. I am the same person wherever I go. Who I am, what I am never changes. And that is what I'm grateful for more than anything. I'm grateful for the ability that I have to write my own history. I'm grateful for the ability I have to change the world. My world, and in some small part the greater whole of the world. I'm grateful for all that have gone before me and are at rest in Arlington National Cemetery and in unmarked graves and battlefields throughout the world so that I can have all that I have today. I'm grateful for the legacy I have from my family. I'm grateful for the support of the greatest of all friends and family. The things we are the most grateful for should not change. So, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And happy history making!

Oh beautiful for spacious skies...

I love the 4th of July! It has been my favorite holiday since I was a little girl. Baseball, picnics, watermelon, fireworks, parades, rodeos, fairs, cotton candy ...I mean really. It doesn't get any better. Still to this day, there is something about fireworks that takes you right back to being a kid again. Back to a day when the 4th of July was about who could spit watermelon seeds the farthest and not about how many stab wounds and gunshots can be wheeled through the ambulance bay doors. (What is is about the 4th that brings out the knife and gun clubs?) Back to a day when you could spend hours writing your name and various designs with a sparkler in the dark night sky. Back to a day when you and your family all huddled on a blanket on the grass to watch fireworks explode in the sky. Nobody argued, nobody fought, you all just laid there in each others laps and watched in awe.

This year my 4th was spent a little different than in years previous. Traditionally my family all meets at the parade in Lewiston, UT, where we watch the parade (tractors and all :) ) then walk around the fair for a little bit. After that we head to Grandma's or Wes and Jen's house for lunch and head back to the Lewiston Rodeo in the afternoon. That night (when I was little) was spent watching the fireworks on a blanket on the grass just outside the nursing home. I remember looking at couples that were there and marvelling that girls would dare get so close to a boy --ew and gasp! My how times change :) After the Logan City fireworks we would come home and spread out a blanket on the front lawn and light our own fireworks as a family. The sparklers were always saved for last. I was always a little afraid of them, because I was sure that a spark was going to fly off and ignite my arm on fire. But they were my favorite part none the less.

Those were the days. Then I grew up and decided to become a trauma nurse. As mentioned before, I would not trade my job for anything in the world, but it does change your perspective on things. Trauma nurses tend to look forward to any warm sunny holiday with a feeling of dread. Yes, I know that is a contradiction. We look forward to all the cool traumas we are going to get to see because warm+sunshine+outdoor activity+alcohol = stupidity =trauma. Really I feel OK about getting excited to see what blood and guts get rolled through the doors. It's not that I'm wishing bad things on other people, but people are going to be stupid and get hurt whether I'm at work or not, so I may as well be there to enjoy it! We do not look forward to running our shoes thin for 12 hours and not being able to sit, eat, drink, or pee for 12 hours. Well, maybe a little bit in a masochistic way--the reason we get to run for 12 straight hours makes it all worth it. I'm getting off track. So I'm working this weekend. Without violating any privacy laws, I can sum up my night by telling you that drunk people with access to explosives (and other more traditional weapons --see knife and gun club comment from earlier) is a bad thing. It was a good night of work!

It did mean however that I missed out on my favorite parts of the 4th. Thank goodness for DVR. I recorded the fireworks shows that were on tv from around Elliott Bay, and watched them when I got home this morning. I can tell you that even on tv, it still brings a tear to my eye to watch the beautiful displays and listen to Ray Charles sing 'America the Beautiful'. I don't know what it is about them, but fireworks are just absolutely captivating. They do them well in Seattle. They shoot them right out on the water and it is absolutely breathtaking. Curling up on the couch is not quite the same as cuddling on a blanket on the grass, but the fireworks are just as good, and just as magnificent. We are so blessed to live where we do and to have the freedoms that we enjoy. I'm so grateful for the blood sweat and tears of thousands who have gone before to give me what I have today. God bless America!