Thursday, November 26, 2009

NOT another Thanksgiving post!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This post may seem as if I am abandoning all my nonconformist beliefs, but rest assured, I am NOT!!! I have just been particularly grateful for a couple things lately --in no relation to the Holiday, I would have been as equally grateful for them if it was March, and would still be blogging about it. So the fact that today is Thanksgiving is purely coincidence. Now that we've got that all cleared up...

I have the greatest sister in the world. I've been reminiscing in particular about a cross country trip the two of us made. There are songs that will always remind me of her and that trip, and so many memories that I will forever hold near and dear to my heart ...most of which make me laugh so hard --still --that it brings tears to my eyes! I rely on my sister a lot. She is someone that I know I can call at any time of day or night for any reason and she will be there for me. I love her so much!!

I also have the worlds greatest brother! Pretty lucky of me huh?! He is the sweetest most caring and genuine person on the planet. He worries about me and checks in on me regularly :) To make sure I'm well and happy and even to make sure that I'm saving enough for my retirement in the future with all the vacations I've been going on. He just worries about me because he loves me, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing protector! One of my favorite memories of my brother is when he showed up at my college apartment one day on his way to class with a giant box of goldfish crackers. He knew they were my favorite, and said that he just wanted to give them to me and say hi. See why I love this kid so freakin' much?! I have no idea how I lucked out in the family department, but I sure did! I love them more than anything in this world!

I also have been blessed with the greatest friends in the world. Friends who love me and stand by me no matter what messes I consistently and repeatedly get myself into. Friends that I can call or email and vent all my stress and tears and fears as well as all my hopes and dreams. Friends that I know will be there for me no matter what. Friends that have my back and are behind me in every way, no matter what it may cost them. I am possibly the most blessed person on the planet!

I have a lot to live up to, as you can see from this post! I hope to one day be as great a sister and friend as the amazing people I am surrounded by. This is clearly not an all inclusive list of things I am grateful for, but just a couple things that have been running through my mind lately. (I think I've said that the last two or three posts ...weird. Random ...anyways...)

Well, much love to you all. I can never adequately express how I feel about you and how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing people.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

It's the Little Things

It's funny how the little things in life can dramatically change your daily actions and attitudes. I've been thinking about two things in particular a lot lately. One day last fall I was walking to work in the busy upper west side of Manhattan. I had just gotten off the 1 train at 110th St. and was rounding the corner to get to Amsterdam St. It was a bit chilly and I was in a hurry a) to get out of the cold and b) if I hurried I would have time to stop at Starbucks before going in to work. In my hurry I walked past a man leaning against the front porch railing of an apartment complex. As is standard when walking past NYC's 8 million people every day, I didn't particularly notice. My gaze stayed straight focused on where I was going. As I passed I heard him say, "Put your head up darlin', that's too pretty a face to be looking at the ground. It's not going anywhere." Now those of you familiar with New York City will understand why this hit me by surprise. People don't talk to people in the sidewalks of New York. You don't notice other people there. Everyone is focused on getting where they have to go and on what they have to do when they get there. Even if you do notice them, you don't start random conversations with people. It's just the way things are there. If you try, you'd be likely to be told to mind your own business. I kept walking without breaking pace, but my mind did a double take. I think I may have even tossed a bewildered glance back and said thank you.

Since then I have taken an obsessive notice about how many people walk with their head angled toward the ground. For a long time I made a concerted effort to walk with my head up looking straight ahead. It was a little strange at first, but now I don't think about it at all, I just do it. But 99% of the people that you see walking down the streets or in the stores or in the park ...yada yada ...look at the ground. And it bothers me. Start paying attention, I think you'll be surprised. Watch yourself. Try it for a whole day. Keep your chin parallel to the ground and keep your gaze straight ahead. Don't even gaze downward. You'll be surprised at how different the world looks. And you'll notice how NO ONE else does it. It also changes your attitude. It makes you more confident and more positive. Just something I've been thinking about lately. Just a simple random comment from a man on the street that changed my posture and outlook on life. Permanently.

Also, apologies. I'm a very forgiving person. Many may say that I am in fact too forgiving. I may just be, but that's not the point. I recently received a very unexpected apology from one of my best friends. I'm not going to go in to the whole dramatic situation behind the apology because ...well ...I don't feel a need to test the word limit per post on this blog :) Suffice it to say that more of my tears have been shed over this situation than any other in my life. Possibly combined. And those of you who know me know that I cry a LOT. You also know that I am a great sleeper. I can sleep anywhere any time and in any situation. I lost sleep for weeks at a time. Honestly, I still am dealing with some pieces of the fallout. But I have been determined to remain friends with this person. Like I said some may say I'm too forgiving. But for whatever reason, I felt a driving need to appear "fine" and to remain friends. I was successful, and even before the apology, we were friends. I wasn't exaggerating when I said 'one of my best friends' earlier. In my mind all had been forgiven, and I had moved on. Things had been awkward for a while, but we moved past it and had been talking joking and laughing like normal for a good month or so. So when I was pulled outside at a Halloween party a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything of it. I just grabbed the hand he offered and followed. We shared a chair by the fire on the patio, and he said, "So how are you?" I thought this was a strange question, especially to pull me outside for. After all, as I said we had talked and laughed and joked on a daily basis for the last month or so. I looked at him with my head tilted and my forehead wrinkled with a confused look on my face as I said, "Iiiii'mm good... why?" He said, "Well, because I feel like you're not. I feel like you haven't been ok for a while." Not wanting to admit any sign of weakness, I said, "No, I'm good!" And I said it energetically and with a smile. To which he replied, "Toni, you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter." This guy knows me better than possibly any person on the planet. He is the only person that can literally can look right through me and tell you exactly how and why I'm feeling the way I am. I knew it was pointless to argue, but I continued to try. After a while, he just said, "Look, it's me. I know you've been having a hard time, and I know that I'm responsible for a lot of it. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for every part I had in that. You and your friendship mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I'm here if you need anything." I looked at him in shock and awe and said two words. In my shocked state it was all I could come up with. "Thank you." It was the most sincere thank you I have ever said in my life. The level to which I was touched really surprised me. I pondered for a long time about why this was, and I realized that I honestly think this was the first time in my life that anyone has actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to me. It was the first time in my entire life I had been apologized to in person with real words.

This may sound surprising, but think about how many times you have actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to someone that you've offended or been in a fight with. We throw around the words 'I'm sorry' like candy. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sorry you had to see/hear that, sorry I wasn't home, sorry I can't help you, sorry I can't get to the phone --leave a message, I'm sorry -can you help me, or a nonchalant sorry man! We throw the words around like candy, and that's ok, but I'm talking about sincere apologies to people that we've offended/deeply or personally wronged. I have been sorry about things and I have been in fights with family members and friends, and we've reconciled whatever issues we've had and gone on with life. I have implied that I 'm sorry, I've texted emailed and written the words many a time, but I don't think I've every actually said such a honest and sincere and blunt apology. And I think this is sad. I can't think of anyone I'm still holding a grudge against, or that I haven't forgiven, but it's not the same. I've made it a point to make honest sincere verbal face to face eye contact included apologies from now on. I think the world would be a better place if we all did the same. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or picked on because I certainly don't feel that way, I've been apologized to before I'm sure, just not in so many words. I appreciated it more than I can explain, and it's changed my life, really. I'm not sure that this made sense, but I just wanted to share a couple things I'd been thinking about lately.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Today's tips...

Things that have brought me out of my latest funk:

Getting involved with something bigger than myself. This latest project was my last blog entry. Still looking for donations. Every single dollar helps you guys. I mean, seriously, who doesn't have 5 bucks to donate to cancer research. I'm a fan of the prostate and testicles :) Let's save em! In all seriousness though, please check it out and help in any way you can!! Here's the link: Toni's Mo Page. It only goes through November ...don't wait till it's too late!

Of course, chatting with great friends --as always :)

Best way to get over the post vacation blues ...plan your next vacation. December. Key West, Florida. Watch out. This serves as a double bonus since it will allow me to keep up my Hawaii tan lines :) --hilarious!!!

From this website I also discovered mystery google!!! Hours of mindless entertainment :)

I also started a nighttime notebook. It's always been hard to turn my brain off at nights, and usually I just try and wear myself out so much physically that I can't not fall asleep. The less I sleep the more dramatic I become and the more emotional and teary, and the less I can sleep. It's a vicious cycle. Well, wearing myself out hasn't been working so well lately, so in the interest of saving at least SOME benadryl and nyquil for when I may actually get sick, I started the notebook. It's a little notebook I keep by my journal by my bed. In it I write everything I can't stop thinking about. Straight up honest feelings, things I would like to say to people, things I will do the next day, wishes and hopes ...whatever thoughts that won't let my brain be quiet. It has worked wonders!!!! It seriously is amazing how much simply writing them down does. I have yet to have the thought I've written creep back in to my brain when I'm drifting off to sleep. It's like the song "as long as I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life I belong to" just Breathe ---love that song. Anyways, I highly recommend the nighttime notebook! I also started writing about the dreams I remember when i wake up. It's interesting to see the correlation between the previous nights thoughts and the nights dreams.

These things and watching less TLC and more Discovery Channel and more shows where things get blown up. More explosives, less wedding dresses and babies ...always makes me feel better :)

Just thought I'd share!

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Hey all! So one of my friends posted this on his myspace page, and I thought it was definately worth reposting. I mean we all felt our boobies in Oct. for breast cancer awareness month (and hopefully every other month as well ;) ) And it's time to support the flip side! I think it's an awesome foundation and a great project. I encourage everyone to support it in whatever way you can. I stole the following from his page --he explained it better than I could. It's complete with links, so hop on over and check it out! Great cause!!!

What is Movember you might ask? Movember is a month long celebration of moustache. It highlights mens health issues, specifically prostate and testicular cancer.

So what can YOU do?

To celebrate this glorious month of Mo, My good friend Sergio and I will be collecting donations and growing our very own Mo-ustaches. Yes, I said collecting donations, and oh yeah, we're growing our own Mo's. You can check out our pages or make a donation at: Josh's Page or Sergio's Page Or check out and join my team (Team name: Turn Your Head'n Cough). If you're a lady, you can sign up as a Mo-supporter, and for the fella's I encourage you to grow your own Mo! Aside from the fact that it will make you look super fantastic, offers prizes for the best looking Mo's and for the teams that raise the most money. For those of you I don't see everyday, you can track my Mo's progress on my page, I'll be posting pictures every day. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. I encourage everyone to get involved in whatever way they can! Happy Movember!!!