Ah, Aggie road trips. How many of these have there been now? I have lost count. But they are always filled with great memories and a few staples. It's been a few years since my college days, but once an Aggie always an Aggie. It's like riding a bike. So when my former roommate Jill decided to fly into Seattle to drive to Spokane with me to the NCAA basketball tournament, I started to prepare myself. We had a great time supporting our Aggies this trip. As we do always. And the essentials were all there :) So I present to you in photographic fashion, the Aggie Road trip Essentials:
Hurts. Being horizontal in the fetal position --much less painful. But, life goes on. The fact that you're acting like --and might actually be a complete asshole doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. I find it beyond difficult to believe that I was THAT fooled by you. I'm starting to entertain the idea, that may have been the case. I may have been that stupid. But I'm determined to fake it 'till I make it. I'm not trying to pretend to myself that you won't see through it. But I'm going to act like I don't care until I don't ...like a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I refuse to be crippled by the fact that you still have the power to hurt me. I wish I knew how to take away that power, but I'll get there. I'm learning a lot from you. And in the meantime, I hang on and force myself to make it to the next day I go to work, or the next visit from a friend from home. To the next vacation. It's going to get easier. And while it hurts to stand I have the support of amazing people. People who don't even realize how they are impacting my life. Random comments, emails and phone calls out of the blue. People who know and know me and assure me that I'm normal and that I'm ok. I love them.
I'm not her. I'm not the girl that can get over you. I hate that I love you and I hate that you know exactly what to do and say so that I can't be mad at you anymore --and at the same time I love that about you. I'm not the person that you can have a casual fling with. I'm the girl that you settle down and stay with forever because I'm amazing and you don't want to let me go. I'm not the girl who doesn't notice when you ignore me. I'm not the girl who isn't hurt when you refuse to acknowledge me. I'm not the girl who picks herself up, holds her head high, and moves on because it's what is best for me. I'm the girl who loves you. For better or for worse. Even when I don't want to and fight it for all I'm worth. I'm the girl who worries about you and wants you to be happy and wants the best for you. Why do you act like you want the first girl when it's plain to me --and those who know you best, that you want the second? Why don't you want to want me?
Is it because I'm just that pathetic and awful to be around and be associated with? If I picked myself up and held my head high and ran away from you in my own self interest would anything change? I hear how it sounds. I know that I'm acting like a sad rejected kicked puppy. I know that's not attractive. But right now, that's me. I don't want that to be me. I want to be the first girl. But I can't. So really, it's your loss. And I wish that didn't make me cry.
I feel like shit. What a crappy day. Sometimes life just sucks. And sometimes I just suck at life. The good news is, only a few more hours till I can take a unisom and some benadryl and go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe better, maybe worse, maybe the same. But today I'm going to stay inside, by myself, in my pajamas, and sulk. One of my best girls ...and most wise ...recently quoted Paulo Coelho, "Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not." I am not the bitter hurt lost little kicked puppy I've become. So today I'm going to sit. With just myself (because I'm so whiny I don't even want to be around myself --best to not subject anyone else to that). And I'm going to pout and sulk and wallow in my misery. Because I want to. And I deserve today. And however long it takes for me to feel these feelings out. It might be a while. I feel like shit. What a crappy day.
1. Aggie basketball 2. Yankee baseball 3. Love 4. Trauma
4 words/phrases I say often
1. Good-NIGHT 2. Hey-aayyy 3. big poke here, don't move 4. Mmm bed
4 things I have learned from the past
1. Disney was wrong 2. It actually might be better to have loved and lost... 3. graham crackers and nap time are still important 4. there are some patients who will die no matter what you do and some patients who will live no matter what you do
4 places I would love to go
1. Hawaii --always 2. NYC --I miss you 3. US Virgin Islands 4. Greece
4 things I did yesterday
1. walked 6.5 miles during my slow shift at work 2. wrestled a bloody drunk 3. laughed about a pt's awesome name and chief complaint- don't judge me, how I wish I could share it with you! 4. ran outside in the sunshine --yay!!
4 things I'm looking forward to this year
1. DC in April 2. Mediterranean in Oct 3. Hawaii in Nov 4. Skydiving this summer --it's GONNA happen!
4 things I love about winter
1. it didn't snow at all this last winter 2. it makes you appreciate the summer more 3. basketball season 4. cuddling by the fire
4 things on my wish list
1. Kitchen Aid 2. Audi A4 3. Schnese --black 4. an apartment that maintains the clean state I put it in