A lot of changes are coming my way. And it all feels so right and so exhilarating in a way that nothing has felt in my life for several years. And it all has me sentimental and nostalgic. There are a lot of amazing things I've learned in my life and travels that have gotten me to this point. And a few amazing people. Because even though it's right and it's exciting, it's still scary. And parts of it are sad. So here's what I know. My best friendships have survived distances of a few miles clear up to a few continents away. And the times when we've been the farthest apart are the times when we've been the closest. My dear friend Mercy pointed out to me last week that facebook had our chatting messages saved from 2010. She said that she had been reading through them and... "wow... we've had some journeys huh?!" So yesterday when I had a day off I went with my curiosity, and scrolled all the way back through four years of messages and started reading. Wow. Some journeys. In a way it was better than reading an old journal. Because every conversation was in the moment and a raw snapshot of what life was in the exact moment. I read through these messages with the hindsight of how each new relationship turned out. And how things that seemed benign ended in deep tragedy, and things that seemed tragic in the moment are comical blips on the radar of the past now. And the learning and growth... just wow!!!
I've gotten off track. How unlike me ;) But the whole reminiscing experience made me think about the journey and journeys I've been on. And the people that have been there with me. I read through old conversations with several friends after this initial one, and I just smiled. I have learned that no matter where I go I have amazing people that love me, and whom I love. And people whose friendships have not only survived physical distance, but been stronger in the distance.
I've learned that a life where you can't be happy isn't worth staying in. I've learned that ultimately you have to do what feels right and what speaks to your soul. I've learned that being the best you is the best thing you can give to people. Even if that means you don't live in the same time zone. This is not to say that I won't miss certain people terribly. The thought of no longer being able to spend every day off playing in the dirt and splashing in puddles with my nephew rips at my heart. The thought of not having his fingerprints on my iPad and phone, and looking at me like I'm the greatest thing ever hurts. The thought of no longer being able to go on twice-monthly Starbucks dates and fishing with my dad on random mornings when it strikes our fancy pains me. The thought of not being here when my mom wants to come down and go shopping makes me a bit sad. The thought of not seeing my best sister in law, best friend, and her sweet family every Wednesday while we laugh and talk and de-stress under the pretense of baking yummy things. Not being able to push a button on my vocera and have access to my best friend Jill in the same hospital is kind of sad. These are the things that have gotten me through the past year.
But the thought of going somewhere new and starting this new adventure thrills me. The thought of being debt free in a year liberates me. That's another thing I learned by coming back here. I learned that I can live with less. I can do more and need less. The thought of having an end goal that is exciting and attainable and actually taking action to accomplish the goal exhilarates me.
And I couldn't do it without the knowledge that my friendships will not only stay intact, but that some will grow stronger. And the knowledge that my family is my base of support, and how great it will be to be able to come back and see them when I'm living my dreams and making things happen, and being the best person that I can be because that's what they taught me. It will be hard to be away from them, especially from my littles (one of whom will be moving to a new state of his own with his parents) but I want them to know that they can go anywhere and do anything and be loved just the same. Hopefully that's part of an example that I can leave for them. Being the best me is the best thing that I can give anyone.
So here's to long sordid email conversations, video chats, and phone calls. Here's to vacations and adventures and accomplishing goals. Here's to living the best life you can, the one that's meant for you!!
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving. Show all posts
Monday, August 4, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
The Journey -It's a Long One
I'm at kind of an impasse with myself. I don't even know how to begin. I haven't updated anything of substance for so long, and the longer it gets the more I find myself asking what the point is of trying to catch myself up in the blogging world. It's been nearly eight months since I've been back in Utah. Eight months, and I still type the words and my brain says, "In that place completely devoid of any cultural diversity." So there's that. Eight months, and I'm still figuring it out; What this new phase of my life looks like. The thing I most often compare what I've been through is the defibrillating of a heart. When we defibrillate a heart --send a giant shock to the muscle-- there is a moment when the heart is completely stunned into stillness. We resume CPR (contrary to what you have seen on tv) immediately after the shock to force the heart muscle through the motions of beating. To pump oxygen to the muscle so that it can begin to beat again on it's own. For two minutes we pump oxygen to the heart muscle before we check for a return of spontaneous circulation. Before we see if the heart is able to do it again on it's own after such a giant shock.
As much as I planned and was looking forward to moving closer to family, I was ill-prepared for what a shock it truly was to my system. To me. I look back to those first few days and I wonder if they actually happened. Was this real life? Did I actually leave a beloved friend's wedding to drive 800 miles, unpack my entire life in a day and start a new job two days after leaving the place that still feels like home? It's all such a blur. I remember smiling and faking it a lot --just because I was so stunned from the change that I couldn't keep up with reality. I watched a lot of The Vampire Diaries, and listened to a lot of music --because they were constants. I remember hoping that I wouldn't be unbearable enough to permanently damage any friendships, but feeling powerless to change or take control over any of it. It's all such a fog now! I feel as though I'm finally emerging from the fog though, finally keeping up with life.
And oh those people who saw me through it. The girl that left so long ago is not the one who returned. The girl that left who had never lived without roommates, thrived on being constantly surrounded by people, with lists of things to do and social functions to attend. The girl who lived for all things college-life. That girl came to value the calm and serenity of solitude. She came to no longer fear being truly alone with herself, she didn't need the other noise anymore. The obsession with all things college-related moved to an obsession with the Yankees, and Broadway, art and literature, and love, and being outside, and self-discovery. The girl who never missed an episode of Grey's Anatomy realized that she hadn't actually liked the show for the past four years, yet continued to watch every week. Until that realization. Things just change. Not my most eloquent words, but simple and true. It was a long seven year process. It still is. It always is. That's life, right?
And the thing about only seeing people on vacation -family and friends- is that you only see the best parts of each other. It's all sunshine and reunions and catching up. Before any of the real-life hits it's time to go back to your real lives. And so it's been rough. I'm so grateful to have friendships that have stood the test of time and change and growth. For friends who are still friends even when I bail on plans we've made. Friends that have put up with me during this tumultuous time of my life --I quite honestly haven't made it easy on anyone. But it's getting easier for me. Easier to be here. I no longer cry on the way home from my parent's house or from my brother and sister-in-laws. I no longer cry at the thought of having to put scrubs on and go to work. I no longer require ten minutes of sitting in my car to talk myself in to going in to work. It took a lot of Wednesday nights, a lot of cross-continent venting sessions, a lot of therapy-writing, a lot of wistful text messages to my Seattle family, and ultimately a dinner in Seattle with the people of the last five years of my life to let me normalize myself.
The opening sentence to each journal entry written during the first six months of living here:
*I never wanted to come back here. I've hated it here since I left if I'm being honest with myself. (Sept.)
*What was once a passion is now a mindless diversion. I smile, I say the right things, I don't care. This isn't what I signed up for. It's not the vision, not the plan. (Sept.)
*I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here. (Oct.)
* It's been a reflective past couple months. I'm struggling to hold on to myself. To the girl that I fought so hard to become. (Dec)
*I'm still hanging in here, just trying to figure life out. (Jan.)
* I haven't felt "at home" for six months. Every part of me feels out of place. (Jan.)
Thoughts scribbled on my trip back to Seattle in the end of January --meant to be notes to a long and beautiful blog post, then two months went by and I still hadn't written it anywhere outside of my head:
*It feels like I'm going home.
*It's been six months since I've been on a plane,and I'm strangely out of my routine. The ear planes, the phone, the iPad, the noise cancelling headphones, I'm out of practice!
*The airport smells like home!
*Never underestimate the comfort to be found in a grocery store that's familiar.
*Everything looks familiar here. There are trees everywhere, and it's just easier to breathe. Like a weight is finally off my chest.
*It's more than just familiarity. It's the sitting in a room at a dinner table full of people that you've been through the worse of your life with. As have they. And we're all healed. And happy. And whole.
That trip. That dinner. There are just no words to describe. What I came away with was that it wasn't the location that I missed. It was the familiarity and the bonds of friendship that I missed. My dear friend Janice put it best when she said, "This whole weekend has been amazing. It has shown me how people can truly heal, even from their lowest lows. How change can be good, and sad at the same time. How sometimes friends are more family than your family is. And how even after many years, those trusted in your darkest moments are still your biggest support no matter the time or distance between you... What a good weekend of memories, friendship, and love." There are many people I wanted to see, but didn't have time to. And a couple that I would have liked to spend more time with than I did, but the group at that dinner table could not have been more perfect. Every person at that table had been through the roughest part of their lives at some point in the last five years. And each person there had seen each other person through it. We all know each other's skeletons and deepest secrets because we lived through them. And to sit there and just look around and how whole and happy and healed and grown up everyone was. It was mind-blowing. The moments we shared. The moments and the way that we took care of each other. The way we leaned and relied on each other. Bonds forged in the fire that can never be broken. It's strange the way feeling so at home for a weekend made me okay with coming back to my life. But okay I was. I came back and I felt like myself again.
I had a moment. A flashing moment on the tarmac just as we were picking up speed (my favorite part of a flight) about to take off from Seattle soil where I panicked. Where I felt like,and actually contemplated, running up the aisle and screaming, NO! I don't want to go! Don't take me away from here! Tears rolled down my cheeks and my breathing became shallow and rapid, panicked. Before I took a deep breath and told myself, no. It's ok. It's time for you to figure this out. Go back and figure out this next step. And don't you dare be that quiet timid girl who dreamed small and accepted what was given. You fight. Fight to stay the you that is at peace and at home here. The girl who dreams and lives large and loud. The woman who is apologetically herself. You went through a lot to become her, don't loose her. Don't you dare stop exploring, experiencing, and loving. They may think you insignificant, but don't you dare make it so.
And that was it. I came home and I started living again. Not just going through the motions. I started running. I started being outside. I started smiling. I started uploading photos to facebook -something I hadn't felt like doing for months. I finally felt up to it. My dear friend Mercy is living in Ethiopia saving lives in the realm of public health --she's amazing. She had messaged me a day or so before having a homesick day -craving the familiar. As you do. The "home" in homesick is a very relative thing. I shared with her my post-vaca realization "The move was harder than I could have ever anticipated. I thought it was going to be easy to be honest. All good things, sunshine and roses and what not. Then I got here and was just in complete shock for six months. Just stunned with change. Going through the motions, grasping at anything that made me feel human...It wasn't really Seattle that I missed, it was the feelings. The people. My people. And thank God for modern technology, because I have those things with me everywhere.I have access to my people always. And maybe we don't get to all sit in the same room very often, but when we do, it's magic. Friendships like that never die. Even though it's hard to be thousands of miles from the people who know you best, and whom you love with all your soul, the relationships are there."
Even through the rough months I was SO blessed with amazing friends. Both far away -as described at length. But also here. And I don't want any of my struggles to take away from the sheer awesomeness of my people here. It's not them, it's me ;) My best friend from high-school and I have been getting together every Wednesday under the pretense of baking. Don't get me wrong we always bake something, but this has been the thing that I look forward to like no other. I count down to the days when I see her and her sweet family like therapy. Her friendship has been a constant through all phases of my life, and I couldn't be more grateful to be so close again.
My amazing brother and sister-in-law have saved me so many times! I leaned on those Sunday dinners and days when I could spend the day playing at their house with my nephew like it was necessary for my survival. And really, it probably was. I'm such a lucky girl to have such an amazing brother who married such an amazing woman and who makes such adorable little humans :)
My sister. Oh my sister. What would I do without her! Having her so close and always within text or call for my many freak-outs is a god-send. And her sweet husband and sweet sweet baby. I really have the luckiest family in the world. My mom who loves me so much, and my dad who just gets me in a way that few people on this earth do. They're amazing.
And my Jill. Jill is my tie to my college years -that's when we became such good friends, and she's saved me in oh so many ways since I've been back. The parties, the dinners, the showing me where Target is,and where the yummy places to eat are, and really, just how to live here!! :) Love her!
And that has been the last eight months of my life in re-cap. Minus the Seahawks superbowl win, and a couple other things to be blogged about later. There ya go Heids --I blogged ;)
Oh, and a couple of bonus random thoughts:
*I feel bad for people with thin naturally sleek frizz-free hair. They will never know the orgasmic joy of the silky smooth softness that is your hair after a deep conditioning Moroccan oil mask!
*Miracles aren't always punctuation marks. -Elisabeth R. Finch (The Fault in Our Stars)
*I'm OBSESSED with the ballerina project on instagram!!!
*I started my third week of training for a 5k today and actually enjoyed my run! I'm not so much looking to love running --if I do that'd be great, but I just don't want to hate it anymore. I want it to be something I can do -even if I choose not to after running my 5k. I don't want to be stuck in middle school anymore where my attitude toward running currently resides.
As much as I planned and was looking forward to moving closer to family, I was ill-prepared for what a shock it truly was to my system. To me. I look back to those first few days and I wonder if they actually happened. Was this real life? Did I actually leave a beloved friend's wedding to drive 800 miles, unpack my entire life in a day and start a new job two days after leaving the place that still feels like home? It's all such a blur. I remember smiling and faking it a lot --just because I was so stunned from the change that I couldn't keep up with reality. I watched a lot of The Vampire Diaries, and listened to a lot of music --because they were constants. I remember hoping that I wouldn't be unbearable enough to permanently damage any friendships, but feeling powerless to change or take control over any of it. It's all such a fog now! I feel as though I'm finally emerging from the fog though, finally keeping up with life.
And oh those people who saw me through it. The girl that left so long ago is not the one who returned. The girl that left who had never lived without roommates, thrived on being constantly surrounded by people, with lists of things to do and social functions to attend. The girl who lived for all things college-life. That girl came to value the calm and serenity of solitude. She came to no longer fear being truly alone with herself, she didn't need the other noise anymore. The obsession with all things college-related moved to an obsession with the Yankees, and Broadway, art and literature, and love, and being outside, and self-discovery. The girl who never missed an episode of Grey's Anatomy realized that she hadn't actually liked the show for the past four years, yet continued to watch every week. Until that realization. Things just change. Not my most eloquent words, but simple and true. It was a long seven year process. It still is. It always is. That's life, right?
And the thing about only seeing people on vacation -family and friends- is that you only see the best parts of each other. It's all sunshine and reunions and catching up. Before any of the real-life hits it's time to go back to your real lives. And so it's been rough. I'm so grateful to have friendships that have stood the test of time and change and growth. For friends who are still friends even when I bail on plans we've made. Friends that have put up with me during this tumultuous time of my life --I quite honestly haven't made it easy on anyone. But it's getting easier for me. Easier to be here. I no longer cry on the way home from my parent's house or from my brother and sister-in-laws. I no longer cry at the thought of having to put scrubs on and go to work. I no longer require ten minutes of sitting in my car to talk myself in to going in to work. It took a lot of Wednesday nights, a lot of cross-continent venting sessions, a lot of therapy-writing, a lot of wistful text messages to my Seattle family, and ultimately a dinner in Seattle with the people of the last five years of my life to let me normalize myself.
The opening sentence to each journal entry written during the first six months of living here:
*I never wanted to come back here. I've hated it here since I left if I'm being honest with myself. (Sept.)
*What was once a passion is now a mindless diversion. I smile, I say the right things, I don't care. This isn't what I signed up for. It's not the vision, not the plan. (Sept.)
*I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here, I hate it here. (Oct.)
* It's been a reflective past couple months. I'm struggling to hold on to myself. To the girl that I fought so hard to become. (Dec)
*I'm still hanging in here, just trying to figure life out. (Jan.)
* I haven't felt "at home" for six months. Every part of me feels out of place. (Jan.)
Thoughts scribbled on my trip back to Seattle in the end of January --meant to be notes to a long and beautiful blog post, then two months went by and I still hadn't written it anywhere outside of my head:
*It feels like I'm going home.
*It's been six months since I've been on a plane,and I'm strangely out of my routine. The ear planes, the phone, the iPad, the noise cancelling headphones, I'm out of practice!
*The airport smells like home!
*Never underestimate the comfort to be found in a grocery store that's familiar.
*Everything looks familiar here. There are trees everywhere, and it's just easier to breathe. Like a weight is finally off my chest.
*It's more than just familiarity. It's the sitting in a room at a dinner table full of people that you've been through the worse of your life with. As have they. And we're all healed. And happy. And whole.
That trip. That dinner. There are just no words to describe. What I came away with was that it wasn't the location that I missed. It was the familiarity and the bonds of friendship that I missed. My dear friend Janice put it best when she said, "This whole weekend has been amazing. It has shown me how people can truly heal, even from their lowest lows. How change can be good, and sad at the same time. How sometimes friends are more family than your family is. And how even after many years, those trusted in your darkest moments are still your biggest support no matter the time or distance between you... What a good weekend of memories, friendship, and love." There are many people I wanted to see, but didn't have time to. And a couple that I would have liked to spend more time with than I did, but the group at that dinner table could not have been more perfect. Every person at that table had been through the roughest part of their lives at some point in the last five years. And each person there had seen each other person through it. We all know each other's skeletons and deepest secrets because we lived through them. And to sit there and just look around and how whole and happy and healed and grown up everyone was. It was mind-blowing. The moments we shared. The moments and the way that we took care of each other. The way we leaned and relied on each other. Bonds forged in the fire that can never be broken. It's strange the way feeling so at home for a weekend made me okay with coming back to my life. But okay I was. I came back and I felt like myself again.
I had a moment. A flashing moment on the tarmac just as we were picking up speed (my favorite part of a flight) about to take off from Seattle soil where I panicked. Where I felt like,and actually contemplated, running up the aisle and screaming, NO! I don't want to go! Don't take me away from here! Tears rolled down my cheeks and my breathing became shallow and rapid, panicked. Before I took a deep breath and told myself, no. It's ok. It's time for you to figure this out. Go back and figure out this next step. And don't you dare be that quiet timid girl who dreamed small and accepted what was given. You fight. Fight to stay the you that is at peace and at home here. The girl who dreams and lives large and loud. The woman who is apologetically herself. You went through a lot to become her, don't loose her. Don't you dare stop exploring, experiencing, and loving. They may think you insignificant, but don't you dare make it so.
And that was it. I came home and I started living again. Not just going through the motions. I started running. I started being outside. I started smiling. I started uploading photos to facebook -something I hadn't felt like doing for months. I finally felt up to it. My dear friend Mercy is living in Ethiopia saving lives in the realm of public health --she's amazing. She had messaged me a day or so before having a homesick day -craving the familiar. As you do. The "home" in homesick is a very relative thing. I shared with her my post-vaca realization "The move was harder than I could have ever anticipated. I thought it was going to be easy to be honest. All good things, sunshine and roses and what not. Then I got here and was just in complete shock for six months. Just stunned with change. Going through the motions, grasping at anything that made me feel human...It wasn't really Seattle that I missed, it was the feelings. The people. My people. And thank God for modern technology, because I have those things with me everywhere.I have access to my people always. And maybe we don't get to all sit in the same room very often, but when we do, it's magic. Friendships like that never die. Even though it's hard to be thousands of miles from the people who know you best, and whom you love with all your soul, the relationships are there."
Even through the rough months I was SO blessed with amazing friends. Both far away -as described at length. But also here. And I don't want any of my struggles to take away from the sheer awesomeness of my people here. It's not them, it's me ;) My best friend from high-school and I have been getting together every Wednesday under the pretense of baking. Don't get me wrong we always bake something, but this has been the thing that I look forward to like no other. I count down to the days when I see her and her sweet family like therapy. Her friendship has been a constant through all phases of my life, and I couldn't be more grateful to be so close again.
My amazing brother and sister-in-law have saved me so many times! I leaned on those Sunday dinners and days when I could spend the day playing at their house with my nephew like it was necessary for my survival. And really, it probably was. I'm such a lucky girl to have such an amazing brother who married such an amazing woman and who makes such adorable little humans :)
My sister. Oh my sister. What would I do without her! Having her so close and always within text or call for my many freak-outs is a god-send. And her sweet husband and sweet sweet baby. I really have the luckiest family in the world. My mom who loves me so much, and my dad who just gets me in a way that few people on this earth do. They're amazing.
And my Jill. Jill is my tie to my college years -that's when we became such good friends, and she's saved me in oh so many ways since I've been back. The parties, the dinners, the showing me where Target is,and where the yummy places to eat are, and really, just how to live here!! :) Love her!
And that has been the last eight months of my life in re-cap. Minus the Seahawks superbowl win, and a couple other things to be blogged about later. There ya go Heids --I blogged ;)
Oh, and a couple of bonus random thoughts:
*I feel bad for people with thin naturally sleek frizz-free hair. They will never know the orgasmic joy of the silky smooth softness that is your hair after a deep conditioning Moroccan oil mask!
*Miracles aren't always punctuation marks. -Elisabeth R. Finch (The Fault in Our Stars)
*I'm OBSESSED with the ballerina project on instagram!!!
*I started my third week of training for a 5k today and actually enjoyed my run! I'm not so much looking to love running --if I do that'd be great, but I just don't want to hate it anymore. I want it to be something I can do -even if I choose not to after running my 5k. I don't want to be stuck in middle school anymore where my attitude toward running currently resides.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Transitional Blues
What is burnout and what is normal? I mean, not everyone loves their job all the time do they? I've been having a really hard time since I've been back. I love being closer to my family, and I have the job I've dreamed about for nine years. So what's the problem? People just don't seem to understand. They ask how things are going, and usually I just smile and say that everything is fine or great, because really, that's what they want to hear -they don't comprehend anything else. A couple times I've answered more honestly and said, "The transition has been harder than I expected, but it's really great being closer to family." This is immediately met by the same response. A confused look and a complete lack of understanding. I mean, what could possibly be difficult about leaving an entire life? Friends that were family. A job where you knew every in and out of how the place ran. I was the go-to person for anyone that had questions. I was confident. What could possibly be hard about leaving all that love, familiarity, comfort, and solitude? To come to a place where nothing makes sense. To a place where the general population doesn't know what do to with a single confident woman in her 30s --surely something is defective to not be married with several children. To a place where my most basic work skill -something I excelled at for the last nine years of my life- is nulled by different equipment. Where I don't know where anything is, no one knows who I am, and I can't be trusted until I've proven myself over again. I have one friend from college, who has been a great help on the days when neither of us works. I have a dear friend from high school who lives in the area, and I have my favorite brother and sister-in-law that are 20 minutes away with the love of my life --my nephew. And I have my parents, sister and brother-in-law and my other favorite nephew in the same time zone. It's just not the same. Maybe my expectations were too high about the move?
It's all just part of being new, and I know I have to be patient with myself, and soon enough I won't be new anymore. I just find myself wondering why this transition has been so hard. After all, for several years I moved cross-country and had a whole new environment every 13 weeks. Is it that I'm older now?
And how do you make your house feel like a home? At what point when I walk through the door will it feel like coming home? I don't remember this being an issue before. Is that just selective memory? I escaped all weekend to my parent's house because I needed to be somewhere that felt like home. And that somewhere was a place that I haven't lived for ten years.
Am I just tired of doing what I do? We all go through burnout phases every once in a while. But I feel like while I'm still on orientation I should not so vehemently dread getting dressed in my scrubs and getting ready to go to work. I miss the days when I looked forward to going in to work, to saving lives, and making a difference. I'd walk out of work on cloud nine, grinning from ear to ear. Is it just a fleeting case of burnout, or is it something more? What else would I do with my life? Could I do something non-clinical related? Is it just the desert heat messing with my hormones? When did I become so non-adaptable?!
Disclaimer: One of my worst pet-peeves is complainers --debbie downers. People who can't look on the positive side and tough it out... can you see why I'm having a hard time with myself? Bleh! No one wants to be around this!! It's all very first-world problem, and yet it's authentic, so ignoring it won't make it go away...
It's all just part of being new, and I know I have to be patient with myself, and soon enough I won't be new anymore. I just find myself wondering why this transition has been so hard. After all, for several years I moved cross-country and had a whole new environment every 13 weeks. Is it that I'm older now?
And how do you make your house feel like a home? At what point when I walk through the door will it feel like coming home? I don't remember this being an issue before. Is that just selective memory? I escaped all weekend to my parent's house because I needed to be somewhere that felt like home. And that somewhere was a place that I haven't lived for ten years.
Am I just tired of doing what I do? We all go through burnout phases every once in a while. But I feel like while I'm still on orientation I should not so vehemently dread getting dressed in my scrubs and getting ready to go to work. I miss the days when I looked forward to going in to work, to saving lives, and making a difference. I'd walk out of work on cloud nine, grinning from ear to ear. Is it just a fleeting case of burnout, or is it something more? What else would I do with my life? Could I do something non-clinical related? Is it just the desert heat messing with my hormones? When did I become so non-adaptable?!
Disclaimer: One of my worst pet-peeves is complainers --debbie downers. People who can't look on the positive side and tough it out... can you see why I'm having a hard time with myself? Bleh! No one wants to be around this!! It's all very first-world problem, and yet it's authentic, so ignoring it won't make it go away...
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