Wednesday, August 27, 2014

On Repeat

On repeat at my house lately: Three times that Idina Menzel changed my life:

This brings back memories of dancing around our Brooklane apartment with my roommate Sarah screaming at the top of our lungs to "Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"  The first time I began to tell myself that it really may be okay to  "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Bernard M. Baruch --Your life doesn't have to look like anything anyone else expects. It just has to be yours. And people can take you or leave you. As long as you're true to yourself, that's all that matters.

Where do I even start with this one. The first time I saw Wicked, it literally changed my life. I sat on the second row of the Gershwin theater completely captivated, covered in goosebumps, and tears trickling down my face as the first act came to a close. It was one of those ethereal moments where you can stick a pin in the exact moment of your life timeline and say, that one, right there, that moment was where it changed. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. I'm though accepting limits because someone says they're so." The musicality of the whole piece. The way she starts off almost timid, then at the end you're just in tears as she belts out at full strength, "So if you care to find me, look toward the western sky. As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly. And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me. Tell them how I'm defying gravity. And you won't bring me down." I get chills every time. Even now as I type this.

Don't roll your eyes at me. "A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well now they know. LET IT GO. It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. Let it go and I'll rise like the break of dawn, let it go, that perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on."

Friday, August 15, 2014

Thoughts Over The Past Year

A collection of my favorite thoughts from twitter, pinterest, instagram, facebook, and tumblr over the past year. As saved on my phone because I felt them deep in my soul.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Things I've Learned

A lot of changes are coming my way. And it all feels so right and so exhilarating in a way that nothing has felt in my life for several years. And it all has me sentimental and nostalgic. There are a lot of amazing things I've learned in my life and travels that have gotten me to this point. And a few amazing people. Because even though it's right and it's exciting, it's still scary. And parts of it are sad. So here's what I know. My best friendships have survived distances of a few miles clear up to a few continents away. And the times when we've been the farthest apart are the times when we've been the closest. My dear friend Mercy pointed out to me last week that facebook had our chatting messages saved from 2010. She said that she had been reading through them and... "wow... we've had some journeys huh?!" So yesterday when I had a day off I went with my curiosity, and scrolled all the way back through four years of messages and started reading. Wow. Some journeys. In a way it was better than reading an old journal. Because every conversation was in the moment and a raw snapshot of what life was in the exact moment. I read through these messages with the hindsight of how each new relationship turned out. And how things that seemed benign ended in deep tragedy, and things that seemed tragic in the moment are comical blips on the radar of the past now. And the learning and growth... just wow!!!

I've gotten off track. How unlike me ;) But the whole reminiscing experience made me think about the journey and journeys I've been on. And the people that have been there with me. I read through old conversations with several friends after this initial one, and I just smiled. I have learned that no matter where I go I have amazing people that love me, and whom I love. And people whose friendships have not only survived physical distance, but been stronger in the distance.

I've learned that a life where you can't be happy isn't worth staying in. I've learned that ultimately you have to do what feels right and what speaks to your soul. I've learned that being the best you is the best thing you can give to people. Even if that means you don't live in the same time zone. This is not to say that I won't miss certain people terribly. The thought of no longer being able to spend every day off playing in the dirt and splashing in puddles with my nephew rips at my heart.  The thought of not having his fingerprints on my iPad and phone, and looking at me like I'm the greatest thing ever hurts. The thought of no longer being able to go on twice-monthly Starbucks dates and fishing with my dad on random mornings when it strikes our fancy pains me. The thought of not being here when my mom wants to come down and go shopping makes me a bit sad. The thought of not seeing my best sister in law, best friend, and her sweet family every Wednesday while we laugh and talk and de-stress under the pretense of baking yummy things. Not being able to push a button on my vocera and have access to my best friend Jill in the same hospital is kind of sad. These are the things that have gotten me through the past year.

But the thought of going somewhere new and starting this new adventure thrills me. The thought of being debt free in a year liberates me. That's another thing I learned by coming back here. I learned that I can live with less. I can do more and need less. The thought of having an end goal that is exciting and attainable and actually taking action to accomplish the goal exhilarates me.

And I couldn't do it without the knowledge that my friendships will not only stay intact, but that some will grow stronger. And the knowledge that my family is my base of support, and how great it will be to be able to come back and see them when I'm living my dreams and making things happen, and being the best person that I can be because that's what they taught me. It will be hard to be away from them, especially from my littles (one of whom will be moving to a new state of his own with his parents) but I want them to know that they can go anywhere and do anything and be loved just the same. Hopefully that's part of an example that I can leave for them. Being the best me is the best thing that I can give anyone.

So here's to long sordid email conversations, video chats, and phone calls. Here's to vacations and adventures and accomplishing goals. Here's to living the best life you can, the one that's meant for you!!