Fairytales

For quite a few years now my friends and I have joked about how Disney ruined our lives. As little girls, we grow up expecting to be magically changed into a beautiful princess in a ball gown, or swooped in on and rescued by prince charming, or woken from a curse by true loves first kiss. We think that we can turn slimy forgs and mean scary beasts into dashing and charming princes. We grow up believing in happily ever after. Reality realization can be rough, but you get over it and joke about how Disney ruined your life, because you now have all these unrealistic expectations. I've been thinking about unrealistic expectations and fairy tales, and about how glad I am that I haven't gotten what I thought I wanted in some things, but in others I still yearn with everything I am to get my way. So when I sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy tonight, these were the thoughts that were running through my subconscious. How come I know that what the Lord has in store for me is better than anything I think I may want, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to give it all up for what I want right now? I think it's because a part of me is still holding on to the fairy tale. Damn Disney. We still believe in spite of everything that happily ever after does exist and that we can have everything we want without sacrifice and trials.

Well, ironically, tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy was all about happily ever after, and how maybe it's not so great after all. I'm reminded of a 'You might be a redneck if...' joke by Jeff Foxworthy, where he said, "If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life ...you might be a red neck." Grey's and Walker aren't the same thing, right? :) Anyway, so I'm watching Grey's and within the first three minutes I have a new favorite quote. Meredith who is narrating says, "Happily ever after doesn't exist. And the first guy who said it did should have his ass kicked SO hard!" I laughed out loud to myself, then texted a couple of friends, because I knew they would appreciate it. It's what we've always joked about --only funnier. Happily ever after doesn't exist, and I still maintain that it's NOT better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. (see previous blog entry :) )

The episode went on to propose the idea that, maybe it's ok that happily ever after doesn't exist, and maybe ...just maybe, reality is even better than the fairy tale. Reality is darker, stormier, and scarier ...and maybe better. Is that possible?

I am a perfectionist. I like to do things perfectly. I don't like to do things, especially in front of others, that I don't feel I can do well. I hate loathe and despise making mistakes and messing up. I'm sure you're all getting sick of me saying the words 'in my profession' but you're going to continue to hear them :) At work, this is a great attitude, because it makes me efficient and careful. If I mess up at work, people die. Literally. So I don't mess up. If a waitress messes up at work, people are angry because their food will take longer, but it is easily remedied by a price deduction, free dessert, etc. There is no remedy for errors in my line of work. My perfectionism applies to other things as well though. Just ask my sister or Josh, both of whom have tried to teach me to drive a stick-shift car. In all reality, if I had to, I could drive from point a to point b in a standard car. I know how to do it. If I had my own car, and no other options, I could drive it to an empty parking lot somewhere by myself and practice until I could do it flawlessly. I'm ok with this. By myself in my own car I can mess up all I want until I can do it perfectly --without risking someone elses expensive new car. But if anyone else is in the car to see me make a mistake, all bets are off. I have never stalled the car with either Josh or Heidi (both of whom had to do some serious talking and/or bribing to get me to even sit in the drivers seat of their cars) but I occasionally don't make the smoothest of transitions between gears. Without over or understating, the car might lurch a tiny bit once with every other gear shift, nothing more than that. But it's not perfect, so for me it's not good enough. Unrealistic expectations --maybe, but that's life. This is just one example of many. This attitude extends to literally every aspect of my life. The way I look, the way I dress, the way I shop, finding my way around town without getting lost, paying bills, cleaning, laundry, painting my toenails --everything. Why do we force ourselves to live in whatever fairy tales our brain creates for us? Because we're led to believe that the fairytale is the ideal. That the fairytale is the pinnacle of happiness. It's a very frilly fluffy pink warm and fuzzy idea. This should have been my first clue. I am not a fan of frilly fluffy pink warm and fuzzy.

My perfectionism is an example of me living in another kind of fairy tale. No matter how much I or others try to convince myself otherwise, I have to believe that I can, should, and have to be perfect, and do things perfectly. Anything that I cannot do perfectly is not worth doing --therefore I don't. Like when you were little and your parents used to say 'anything worth doing is worth doing right.' This is my own extreme version of that.

Now let's talk reality. In reality, people die. Literally. People make mistakes. They drive after drinking and kill other people. Or they kill other people for no reason at all. People smoke and kill themselves. People get their hearts broken, people fall down. People get hurt. People get lied to, betrayed, cheated on, spit on, abused, and taken advantage of. Reality kind of sucks. In reality people make mistakes. It is by making mistakes that we learn. It is by making mistakes that we grow. In another episode of Grey's there was a patient that had a disease where her tissue was slowly ossifying --turning to bone. She had a daughter who in a lot of ways reminded me of myself. She was a perfectionist, holding on to the mistaken idea that if she and everyone around her did and planned everything perfectly, that happily ever after would appear like a magic wand out of the sky and make everything ok. Alex tells her the following --and it's one of my all-time favorite quotes, "You have a healthy body. If you fall you won't turn to stone ...let yourself fall. Messing up, it's what makes a person, it's how we learn, it's where we find joy --in the things you don't plan for, things you never see coming." It is by making mistakes that we let ourselves grow, and it is often when we are at the bottom of the barrel that we are truly at our best. Does that make sense?

So in reality, we fall in love and some of us get our hearts broken into a million pieces for one reason or another. I don't have mine entirely back yet, and I honestly never will. I left a piece of it in Seattle, and reality is, that that's ok. It was part of my experience, and the things I gained from that, and the things I learned and loved about being in love are with me now, and will be forever. There will always be a hole in my heart --sometimes bigger than others, but it's ok that it's there. It's who I am, and that's ok.

In reality, you make mistakes, you get your heart broken, you can't get over things that wyou know you should have gotten over long ago. But in reality you have friends who don't complain (at least out loud ;) ) when you call them crying --still. They tell you that they love you and that it will be ok. They tell you that you're not crazy for wanting the things you want, or for grieving over things you're grieving over. And they help you through, over, and/or around your self-imposed stumbling blocks. They give you permission to accept the death of a relationship or ideal or other form of fairytale. They even let you have a little funeral party (thanks Jill :) ) to allow yourself time to grieve. In reality you fall, but friends catch you. They remind you that the reality of your life, and the life that our Father in Heaven has in store for you is better than any fairytale you could dream up, and to not accept or dream of any less than you deserve. Don't doubt what you deserve, and don't dream of less that what you deserve. They tell you that not only should you be doing better, but that you CAN do better, and WILL do better.

This is turning into a jumbled weave of a bunch of different types of fairy tales, and I'm not meaning to be so unclear. But I am talking about all of them, seperately and at the same time. Maybe I do mean to be unclear :) Romantic ones, perfectionist ones, professional ones, any fairytale that you may be holding onto for yourself. We all have them, and they're different for each of us. But as narrating Meredith said near the end of Grey's Anatomy tonight, "Reality is so much more interesting than the fairytale!" I think she may be right.

In closing (lol ...I don't know why that sounded funny to me just now :) ) I tend to get into a funk with music. I will pick a song that is the theme for my life and listen to it repeatedly for it's therapeutic value. Occasionally I will post the song on my blog, but not always. I changed my blog theme today to a song that has been my theme since I came to New York. Tattoo, by Jordin Sparks. When the song first came out, it irritated me that they played it so much so I boycotted the song. Then one day when I was feeling sad about the way I was leaving Josh, I heard the song and heard the words for the first time, and I love them! To me it is about him, but also about other things that have changed my life. I think it applies to a lot more that romantic relationships. We are changed forever by our experiences, and at least a small part of them will always be with us and influence the way we are and do things. And it's ok. That's who we are. Here's a link to the lyrics ...check it out. I really like them!

http://www.metrolyrics.com/tattoo-lyrics-jordin-sparks.html

and now, because I feel the need to post pictures with all of my posts if possible, here are some pics of my best friends and family ...Love you all --and may the reality that is better than all of our fairy tales come true!!!! And, ps ...this is the first time in a long time I've been able to say his name out loud in relation to the relationship without it tearing me up inside --well type his name, but ya know what I mean :) I'm growing --yay :)