Decisions, Decisions

Do you ever feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't? You ponder and agonize and over analyze decisions. You think you make the right ones, and you go with what you decide is right even though it hurts like no pain you've ever felt before. It's got to get better, right? After all, you're sure this is where your life is supposed to go. So you push ahead and make the most of each day. No day but today, no time for regret. Then you realize that in spite of all that you've grown and all the great experiences you've had, that you're actually not happy. Too late to go back, you can't rewind time and change your mind. So you do what you can, you do it for you, and you're making your own way -screw the world or what anyone else thinks. And it feels good, and it's refreshing. There are still rough times, and there are still great times, but you're living for you -not for anyone else or their expectations, and that is a beautiful feeling.

Then life throws you a curveball completely out of the blue. Your head spins, your stomach fills with butterflies, and you like it. You've tied yourself down to your current path, for at least a little bit. And now you're not sure that you want that anymore. Maybe you want to be somewhere else entirely. Where you are now is ok, but you've been there for a while, and maybe you're just feeling a little clausterphobic and trapped, but maybe you really do actually want to be somewhere else. Just when you think you're settled and in the groove, you start to question decisions again. The "what ifs" drive you insane. Is this a repeat of the last decision that felt right at the time? What if you really haven't learned all that you thought you had, and you're wrong again. What's done is done. For now anyways. Only time will tell how life plays itself out. So you press forward and continue to make the most out of every moment. Make your own destiny. Forget the hauntings of perceived failures and make the most of today. Sometimes it hurts, and life is not a fairytale. Sometimes people have everything you ever wanted and they don't appreciate it. Sometimes you don't understand how people can be so terrible and careless with the treasures they are blessed with. But overall, life is better than the fairytale. It is what you make it. And no matter where you are, there are people who are worse off. There is always someone you can help, and helping others puts your focus where it should be. Keep your head in the game. This poem was written by one of my good friends, and I think it's amazing.

The playbook was written eons ago,
actions determined before my birth,
evolving over time with situations
into this new age capsule that holds
no promises of a joint tomorrow,
nor any hope for fairy dust and tales
to re-emerge as your new reality.
Instead, this new capsule is padded
with cynicism and wires of openness,
and one should swallow this capsule
with caution and buckets of pragmatism
or it will oil up your throat, choke you
and make you wish your heart had died.
Keeping your head in the game
means keeping your sanity unlocked,
this playbook does not forgive easily,
nor does it forget any lapse in judgement,
as it has no space or literature
to allow for tenderness and gentleness.
Wonderland is no longer an option, Alice,
so pack up your teacups and make haste,
readjust your head to fit the game,
reconfigure your notions of that
rainbow of joint tomorrows dusted by
those old, odd, comforting fairy tales...
this is the stuff with which dreams are killed
this playbook of life, bereft of time and nostalgia,
takes absolutely no prisoners.
--Mercy Mkhana Simiyu