Who needs therapy?

Well, at least the expensive kind that you pay for. Not me! I have a fabulous and very wise younger sister. So I'm awake at 11:30pm tonight ...not rare for me, except that I was finding things to do to occupy my time so that I didn't go to bed too early. I work nights. Sleeping before 3:00 am is NOT normal!!!!!! So, I'm watching the news and having a pity party for myself in my head. This leads to tears, and sobbing, and more tears, and chest pain inducing anxiety. I know. So who do I call? My first choice was my favorite lil' sis. Thankfully she was not sleeping (she occasionally does that early --only if she has to work at 3am the next day). She answers the phone, and in my blubbering state I manage to get out something along the lines of, "I n-n-nee-d to ta-alk t-to y-you." I proceed to dump the mountain of problems and situations I'd been mulling over in my head on her listening ears along with a healthy dose of the way I felt about each situation. After I was finished, and still crying, I exploded with a, "Isn't that ridiculous?!" I realize when I'm being ridiculous and over dramatic. That doesn't mean I can stop it. She then said words which were the most wise I've heard in a while. She said, "No, it's not ridiculous." To which I argued, "Yes it is, I'm being absolutely ridiculous." Then, here's the kicker, she said, "What? It's ridiculous that you have feelings? No!"

That's the thing. I like to be in control. Of everything. Seriously. So when I feel things that I think I should perhaps not, or that I don't want to deal with, I try to put myself back into control by refusing to feel that way. This is a bit like when you were little and you were sick and throwing up. You knew you were going to throw up. You knew you couldn't stop it. But you crouch by the toilet clenching your stomach and throat muscles with all your might because you know how un-pleasant it was going to be to vomit. Or maybe it was just me. My mom literally used to have to tell me "Toni, just relax and let it come out, you'll feel better when it's over." And she was inevitably right. Fast forward twenty years, and I'm struggling with the same philosophy.

It's okay to have feelings. Even unpleasant ones. It's okay to feel jealous and angry and hurt and depressed and lost and lonely and desperate and hopeless at times. Just like it's okay to feel happy. Nobody feels one emotion all the time. They're just feelings. You can't purge the unpleasantness of the situation until you deal with it. Let yourself feel the pain. Admit to yourself that you feel it, feel it completely, let it wash through you, then you can be done with it and move on. That was all I needed. I needed my brilliant sister to give me permission to feel what I was feeling. Once I admitted to myself that I was feeling that way, I simultaneously admitted to myself that it was okay that I was feeling like that, and my chest-pain inducing anxiety was immediately quelled. I felt better. I didn't feel happy and bubbly and perky like I expect myself to be/act all the time, I felt better. I felt at peace with myself. It is what it is. I'm feeling this way right now, and it's okay.

Ah. I feel so much better I had to share it with you. It might not make any sense, but I feel better getting it out. Thanks, Heid!