AAAAAAAHHH!

That was a screaming AH, not a relaxing sigh. What did I just do? Eek. I'm freaking out just a little. I just talked to the ER nurse manager at the hospital I'm working at and told her I'd like to stay on as permanent staff. She was more than a little overjoyed and enthusiastic and excited and gave me an instant job, and now it's like official. It's like official. Like I have a real job. And I have to pay like rent and bills and stuff. And I have to buy furniture and stuff. It's all very grown up, and I'm more than a little nervous about the whole thing. I'm excited and I know that it's the right thing to do, but I apparently have a fear of commitment. Who knew? Weird. Well, that's all I have to say. Now it's time for bed.

Oh, and I had to scrape an inch of snow off my car this morning. Not okay.

Who needs therapy?

Well, at least the expensive kind that you pay for. Not me! I have a fabulous and very wise younger sister. So I'm awake at 11:30pm tonight ...not rare for me, except that I was finding things to do to occupy my time so that I didn't go to bed too early. I work nights. Sleeping before 3:00 am is NOT normal!!!!!! So, I'm watching the news and having a pity party for myself in my head. This leads to tears, and sobbing, and more tears, and chest pain inducing anxiety. I know. So who do I call? My first choice was my favorite lil' sis. Thankfully she was not sleeping (she occasionally does that early --only if she has to work at 3am the next day). She answers the phone, and in my blubbering state I manage to get out something along the lines of, "I n-n-nee-d to ta-alk t-to y-you." I proceed to dump the mountain of problems and situations I'd been mulling over in my head on her listening ears along with a healthy dose of the way I felt about each situation. After I was finished, and still crying, I exploded with a, "Isn't that ridiculous?!" I realize when I'm being ridiculous and over dramatic. That doesn't mean I can stop it. She then said words which were the most wise I've heard in a while. She said, "No, it's not ridiculous." To which I argued, "Yes it is, I'm being absolutely ridiculous." Then, here's the kicker, she said, "What? It's ridiculous that you have feelings? No!"

That's the thing. I like to be in control. Of everything. Seriously. So when I feel things that I think I should perhaps not, or that I don't want to deal with, I try to put myself back into control by refusing to feel that way. This is a bit like when you were little and you were sick and throwing up. You knew you were going to throw up. You knew you couldn't stop it. But you crouch by the toilet clenching your stomach and throat muscles with all your might because you know how un-pleasant it was going to be to vomit. Or maybe it was just me. My mom literally used to have to tell me "Toni, just relax and let it come out, you'll feel better when it's over." And she was inevitably right. Fast forward twenty years, and I'm struggling with the same philosophy.

It's okay to have feelings. Even unpleasant ones. It's okay to feel jealous and angry and hurt and depressed and lost and lonely and desperate and hopeless at times. Just like it's okay to feel happy. Nobody feels one emotion all the time. They're just feelings. You can't purge the unpleasantness of the situation until you deal with it. Let yourself feel the pain. Admit to yourself that you feel it, feel it completely, let it wash through you, then you can be done with it and move on. That was all I needed. I needed my brilliant sister to give me permission to feel what I was feeling. Once I admitted to myself that I was feeling that way, I simultaneously admitted to myself that it was okay that I was feeling like that, and my chest-pain inducing anxiety was immediately quelled. I felt better. I didn't feel happy and bubbly and perky like I expect myself to be/act all the time, I felt better. I felt at peace with myself. It is what it is. I'm feeling this way right now, and it's okay.

Ah. I feel so much better I had to share it with you. It might not make any sense, but I feel better getting it out. Thanks, Heid!

Here's the thing...

I want it now. I don't want to hear that it's going to happen when it's going to happen, I want it now. I am not a patient person. I am an in control person. Who are you to tell me that I can't have it? Who do I need to talk to to make it happen?

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

Veruca Salt:

Gooses! Geeses!I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter

Mr. Salt:

It will, sweetheart

Veruca:

At least a hundred a day

Mr.Salt:

Anything you say

Veruca:

And by the way

Mr. Salt:

What?

Veruca:

I want a feast.

Mr. Salt:

You ate before you came to the factory

Veruca:

I want a bean feast!

Mr. Salt:

Oh, one of those

Veruca:

Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts

So good you could go nuts

Mr. Salt:

You can have all those things when you get home

Veruca:

No, now!!

I want a ball

I want a party

Pink macaroons and a million balloons

And performing baboons and ...Give it to meRrhh rhhh

Now!

I want the world

I want the whole world

I want to lock it all up in my pocket

It's my bar of chocolate

Give it to me

Now!

I want today

I want tomorrow

I want to wear 'em like braids in my

I don't want to share 'em

I want a party with room fulls of laughter

Ten thousand tons of ice cream

And if I don't get the things I am after

I'm going to scream!

I want the works

I want the whole works

Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises

Of all shapes and sizes

And now

Don't care how

I want it now

Don't care how

I want it now

Oompa Loompas:

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo

I've got another puzzle for you

Oompa Loompa doompadah dee

If you are wise you will listen to me

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?

Blaming the kids is a lion of shame

You know exactly who's to blame:

The mother and the father!

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah

If you're not spoiled then you will go far

You will live in happiness too

Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do

Now. My parents are fabulous very reasonable people. Clearly since they are such wonderful people, I am not spoiled and therefore my requests are reasonable and should be happening. I don't understand!

And why can't I make the formatting work like I want it to on this stupid thing?! Argh! I give up!

The Letter Game

Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and randomly tag 10 people (including me). Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You can NOT use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.



Have Fun!!



1. What is your name? Toni

2. A 4 letter word? Tank

3. A boys name? Thomas

4. A girls name? Tia

5. An occupation? Truck driver

6. A color? teal

7. Something you wear? toe rings

8. A food? Tuna

9. Something found in the bathroom? toilet paper

10. A place? Timbucktoo

11. A reason for being late? too much to do

12. Something you shout? Toodles!

13. A movie title? Take the Lead

14. Something you drink? Tonic Water

15. A musical group? Twisted Sister

16. An animal? Tiger

17. A tv show? Two and a half men

18. A type of car? Toyota

19. Something scary? Tiny babies

20. Ice cream flavor? Tin Roof Sundae

The Bucket List

Repost and place an x by the things you've done and remove the x from the things you haven't

Things you have done during your lifetime:

() Gone on a blind date --I'm not complaining either :)
(X) Skipped school --haha, enough that I'm surprised I graduated :)
(X) Watched someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida --on this year's list
( ) Been to Hawaii-- also on this year's list
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter --in Hawaii this year
(X) Been lost --never :) I'm just that good at finding new and exciting --sometimes scary places --especially if Jill is in the car!
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean- Atlantic and Pacific
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons --I have a picture I colored the other day on my fridge
(X) Sang Karaoke --I'm a rock star :)
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch --Driven past it though
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't--haha, thanks for not asking for details :)
(X) Made prank phone calls --ah the days before caller id :)
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain --and been kissed in the rain --the kiss was great but the rain thing, not all it's cracked up to be --I was freezing and we went inside soon thereafter
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus --and he wrote back
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone --watching the sunset was much more romantic
(X) Blown bubbles --nearly every day
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
(X) Been deep sea fishing
(X) Driven across the United States--from coast to coast and from north to south
(X) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving --on my list of things to do this year
(X) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country --I thought I was going to have to live in Mexico when I got stuck without my passport, turns out they let us back in the good old us of a
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(X) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(X ) Seen the Statue of Liberty
(X) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
(X) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horse back riding
(X) Ridden on a San Francisco Cable Car
(X) Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge --it does exist!
(X) Been to Disneyland
(X) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
(x) Swam with dolphins
(X) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf --a what now?
( ) Been spinnaker flying --who's writing this and what are you smoking?
(X) Been water-skiing
(X) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game--heck yes go Yankees!!
(X) Been to a National Football League game --and NHL and NBA

Perhaps...

So a couple posts ago I wrote about how I had no idea how I spent so much money. A couple days after that I spent $200 at the salon on my hair. As I was leaving the salon I was forced into the Ann Taylor Loft store near the salon. Yes, forced. Not one of the strangers in the Mall that day said, "Toni, do not go in that store, you don't need $400 in new clothes." Well, ok, maybe I wasn't forced, but no one did anything to prevent it, what's a girl to do? I did take a 3 day spending hiatus when I went home for Sarah's wedding --I was simply too busy to go shopping ...although I did have several meals out ...hmm. Then I was really good when I got back home here because I did nothing but work and get caught up on sleep for three days. Yesterday I only went out to dinner once with a friend and to one movie. I'll get to that in a minute. Today I was terribly bored and was plucking my eyebrows when I became paranoid (due to many hours spent watching What Not To Wear and 10 Years Younger) that I was looking much older than my 26 years. This had to be fixed. Stat. So I ventured back to the mall and spent $112 on new night cream, a skin regenerating serum, and a small bottle of lotion that was near the register. I hate it when you wash your hands in public restrooms and don't have lotion in your bag, so this was really a necessary purchase. And was it my fault that I had to walk back through Nordstrom to my car? There wasn't an entrance that went directly to the store I went to. And it certainly wasn't my fault that the shoes were by the exit. It was clearly no fault of my own that the new summer line of Enzo Angiolini 4" wedge-heeled sandals were on display by the aisle. And it wasn't me that made the shoes call my name. Therefore, I am barely --if at all --responsible for the $108 I spent on the cutest pair of new sandals currently in my closet. I'm just sayin'.

Appendix I: (not the body part, but meant as an appendage to the previous body of literature) He's Just Not That Into You. The book: Wonderful. Every girl needs to read it. The only flaw is the lack of the chapters entitled 'How to make knowing that he's just not that into you okay' and 'Where to find the kind of man that we're telling you exists in this book.' The movie however is a different story. It is all fine and good until the end when Hollywood realized that the brutal reality that is the glory of the book isn't what people want to see in a movie. It doesn't make for a Hollywood happy ever after ending ...and you should all know how I feel about happily ever after. If not, there's previous posts on it. I 'm not going to rehash it here. The point is, that the ending of the movie completely un-does the lessons that we women need to hear; the lessons that were well made throughout the movie. The movie ends with the message, "don't worry, the jerk that won't marry you will eventually come around, and the guy that isn't that into you and was using you will be into you if you hang around long enough." The last line of the movie actually says, "Don't give up hope, ladies!" We shouldn't give up hope, but we shouldn't give up hope that someone who deserves us actually exists and will come along (I'm still working on it, but that's a different story :) ). We should absolutely give up hope that the douche-bag we're waiting around for is going to turn into prince charming. It's not going to happen. That's the beauty of the book. So, all in all, an okay movie if you're looking for a typical chick-flick, but not deserving of the same title as the greatest book ever written for women.

What a good day!

Ah, hair day! I had to take a minute and say how much I just thoroughly enjoy getting my hair done! It is truly heaven on earth. That is all I have to say. Pictures coming soon.

'Tis the Season

Ah, W-2time. I understand that this is a very stressful time for a large majority of America. Really, I understand. I work in an emergency department, so I see tangible evidence of the stress manifested in the dramatic increase of patients with chest pain and accountants and businessmen who are depressed. Not only this year because of the economic climate we're in, but every year around tax season. As for myself, I'm just not that dramatic. I am fortunate to work in an industry that (knock on wood) has not been and is unlikely to be affected by the recession. I figure us and bartenders are pretty safe :)

I tend to find myself befuddled this time of year. Ever since the first W-2 I got in the mail, but this year more than ever. I cannot for the life of me figure out how I spend so much money. Even when I was in school and paying for tuition and books and rent and utilities and all sorts of grown up bills which accounted for a lot of my money earned, there was still a pretty good chunk that I had no idea where I spent it. Last year I spent the entire year working as a travel nurse. Meaning I have not paid a single solitary penny in rent or utilities. This post isn't about how much money I make, because I had the same thoughts when I made a thousand a year. The amount of money I paid in federal taxes this year is twice what poverty-level income would be. What I'm saying is, that this year, I made a crap load of money, and I spent it all. I thought about how i spent all the money I made and felt bad for a little bit, until I realized that I didn't regret a single dollar spent. I don't remember where each dollar went, but I can tell you that I don't regret a single trip to Disneyland, SeaWorld, the beach, Canal St., vacations, flights home to see family, dinners and movies out with friends etc. You can't put a price on fun, but if I could, I would say that according to my W-2 this year, I had a whole lotta fun. And I wouldn't trade a second of it --or a penny :) Happy tax season everyone!!!