A compilation of my favorites --Honestly, I have had each of these happen at least once!
You believe that all bleeding stops ... eventually.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
You plan your dinner break whilst lavaging an overdose patient.
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
When you refer to vegetables you aren't talking about food.
Your bladder expands to the size of a Winnebago's gas tank.
Your idea of a good time is a traumatic arrest at shift change.
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis.
You watch your patient walk into the department and know exactly what the discharge diagnosis and instructions are going to be.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce, and you should be on the committee that grants the permits.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall anyone who utters the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet isn't it."
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store, and it is a struggle to keep from reaching out to touch them.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar and/or write a book entitled "Suicide ... Doing It Right."
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
You want the lab to run a "dumb shit" profile.
You have been exposed to so many screaming children that you no longer need other methods of birth control.
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset. (You've had pain in your left thumb for 3 weeks? Have a seat, and we'll get to you in three days)
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 days / weeks / months / years)?."
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.
Your idea of gambling is a blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool.
You can identify what kind of diarrhea a patient has just by the smell.
Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.
You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
A majority of your patients (and their family members) fall into one or both of two categories –hypoxanaxemia and hypochondriac with Internet access.
Your idea of comforting a small child includes placing them in a papoose restraint.
You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name.
You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
As long as stupidity is a pandemic, you will always have a job.
You have ever referred to a doc or charge/triage nurse as a “shit magnet.”
You have a shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.
You think OD not BBQ when asked to get the charcoal.
When checking the level of orientation in a patient, you aren’t sure of the correct answer yourself.
You circle the dates of full moons on the calendar in red ink a year in advance and plan to schedule your days off accordingly.
Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or have an actively bleeding stump where a limb recently was to be in order to receive your sympathy.
People lean obnoxiously over your triage desk while munching on Doritos and inquire how much longer before they are seen for their excruciating abdominal pain.
You’ve ever held a 14 gauge iv over someone and said, “You’re going to feel a little poke…”
You believe the more people whine, the larger the IV needs to be.
You have ever tried to hang a closed sign on the hospital doors.
You ever have to remind yourself that you can’t cure stupidity.
You automatically multiply by 3 any answer to “How much have you had to drink tonight?”
You assume every female between the ages of 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
You plan your summer vacation by location and reputation of the trauma centers.
You firmly believe that by the time the patient needs a bedpan they’ve been here too long!
You know the therapeutic advantages of a foley for an unruly patient.
You can compliment a co-worker on his/her attire while performing cpr.
You’ve had a patient start off by telling you what happened at the last three ERs they went to.
You’ve ever asked “Why are you here at 3:00am for the problem that has not changed for the past three years?”
You see nothing wrong with eating popcorn, chocolate, etc. out of a clean bed pan/emesis basin.
You have ever contemplated that your job is often just interfering with natural selection.
You refer to the ‘mega-code’ portion of ACLS as the fun part.
Your greatest fear in life involves a pregnant woman shouting “It’s coming!”
You realize that a patient's effective use of Tylenol Benadryl and condoms would cut your workload in half.
Your friends and family refuse to watch tv with you if there’s a remote possibility that the show will contain any scenes from a hospital (known as the ‘they’re not doing it right’ syndrome)
You’ve ever had an adult look you in the face and say “I can’t swallow pills.”
You calculate dopamine dosages and titrations in your head but can’t seem to balance your checkbook.
You’ve ever said (to anyone) “So, did you find the fingers?”
You’re able to keep a straight face when your patient with multiple piercings and tattoos tells you they are afraid of needles.
You’ve identified the ULTIMATE cruel practical joke (getting someone drunk, taking them to the er and announcing that they’ve overdosed on ‘some kind of pills’ just prior to arrival.)
You find yourself diagnosing passers-by at shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants, etc based on presentation and the noise they make while breathing
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