This Ridiculous Obsession

What a funny thing this heart of mine is. Why the desperate need to believe in love, to believe in passion that conquers all?  Why the inability to be truly happy without the secure knowledge that it exists in a tangible way out there? In the absence of it in my own life, I seem to find joy in the love others have in their lives. Which is all well and fine, except, well, when other people's relationships don't work out it breaks my heart a little bit. My eyes well up and my chest hurts a small hurt.  Even if I don't know them. Why? I'm not sure it's healthy to allow others to influence my emotions so. But it's my silly little heart and I'm stuck with it. Emotions are funny things. It's silly I suppose, but I need to believe that two beautiful people can be blissfully happy and make it work. Famous people, regular people, everyone.

Along a similar and very vulnerable line, from my night-time notebook last night:

I lay in my bed swaddled by darkness. My mind however is deep in the middle of the novel that lies discarded near the couch in the other room. I love Scarlet O'Hara. I love her gumption, her fortitude, her survivability, her strength, her brazen disregard and defamation of convention. And yet, she is one of the most truly terrible human beings brought to life. She's a terrible terrible person when it comes down to it. A terrible and wonderful person. I find myself relating to her all too easily, readily, and on the whole. So I love her.

As my mind races through thoughts and feelings, it opens the door to a stark cold room of fear that brushes past. I feel myself recoil from the feeling as though it never existed and race to other thoughts. "No," I tell myself. Feel it. It was fear you felt. Why? Fear of what? Find the hidden door that led to that room and enter it. Sit with that emotion. Don't run, don't deny, don't refuse, don't ignore. What is it about that train of thought that opened the door to the cold draft? Am I afraid to admit that I love those fierce qualities? That I'm like her? That the ways in which I relate to her will ultimately keep me from happiness as they did her? Or maybe it was just a supremely written novel with a cast of characters that we all have a piece of within us. I don't know.

But through the dark I probe the corners of my thoughts searching for the release to the trap door. I open it up, feel the cold draft brush past, go to the back wall of the room and sit down.

That's a lot of vulnerability right there... struggling to stay open, not to close it off... Progress.

Here's What's On My...

This blog inspiration brought to you by Jill :)

Here's what's on my:

Vanity

• Curling iron, Red lipstick, red lip gloss, makeup brushes, face wash and moisturizer, fake diamond earrings, real diamond earrings, pearl earrings, small mass of bobby pins, 7 clips, 3 ponytail holders, contact solution, two bottles of foundation that I blend together for the perfect color coverage, soap --duh, wide tooth comb, deodorant ...and don't sleep on the NYC series photo on the wall :)

Perennial to do list

• Clean apt pre-vaca style
• Pack for said vaca
• Finish SoCal scrapbook pages --only one more envelope to go :)
• Laundry... lots of laundry...

Refigerator shelves (Kinda proud of how much food I actually have in my fridge -not gonna lie )

• Pur water container ...that I haven't used or changed the filter on in months...
• 12 hard boiled eggs
• 3 oranges, 3 english style cucumbers
• Homemade raspberry jam 
• Olive oil mayo
• Salsa
• Ground turkey -browned with my homemade salt free taco seasoning --delish!
• Tzatziki sauce
• Spinich, romaine lettuce, pico de gallo
• Sugar free grape gatorade (for post hot yoga)
• Low sodium chicken broth
• A carton of expired milk
• 2 liter bottle of fresca that's probably flat --haven't opened it for a month or so...

Itinerary (It's a rough life)

• Leave Friday for Utah
• Come back and work the next weekend --or try to get it covered because my dear friend is coming to stay with me from North Carolina!!!
• Leave the next Friday for New Orleans
• Come back and work the next weekend
• Enjoy a weekend off with Kenny Chesney, work friends, and the Mariners
• Enjoy a second weekend off thanks to vacation time and Jill's visit --spend weekend with Jill, and the Yankees
• Leave for Cancun
• Come back and work the next weekend
• Leave for UT to see my new nephew be born ...Yeah!!

Playlist

• See links on last post...
• And I added three more songs:
• Make it Without You --Andrew Belle
• A Drop in the Ocean --Ron Pope
• Poison & Wine --The Civil Wars
• And the new Pink/F.U.N. song...

Nightstand

• Alarm, lamp, allergy swabs for when my nose wakes up plugged, two jars of hand cream, three bottles of lavender pillow spray, lip conditioner, photo from my favorite sister, at least two books -always, today it's an Anne Rice novel and Gone With the Wind, my nighttime notebook, an Ensign from about a year ago ...I'm a little behind

Workout Plan

• Four mile walk along Lake Washington every day when it's sunny --see photo blog
• When possible explore surroundings by hiking and travelling further for walks
• Go to work

Phone

• Home screen is a beach background, with the accuweather widget on the top -including the time, quick access to my most frequently used apps --pinterest, play store, twitter, calender, facebook, camera, instagram, and my photo album
• Also noteable that I have a work specific home screen with quick access to MedScape, a calculator, my schedule app, and the assistive light
• The bottom of every screen has the phone, contacts, messaging, internet, and app buttons. I love my Galaxy S3 :)

Top 5 List

• Travelling, Friends, Bed, Books, Family

Bucket List

• Oh so long... a few of the highlights I'm looking forward to knocking out soon include touring Europe, driving Route 66 from Chicago to LA, visiting TX and FL (Orlando and Miami), Getting my Masters and possibly DNP from Georgetown, Getting my Forensics Nursing certificate from Johns Hopkins, buy a house, get a puppy.

Mind

• Geographical Identity Crisis

Blogroll --so many --here's a few I check daily

• Jill, Chel, Heidi, Kristy, Jenny, LoveTaza, Meg Fee, Brooklyn Limestone, and Mkhana in Transit

Walls of Your Favorite Room in Your House

• I only have one little quote plaque on my walls in my bedroom --my favorite room. So I changed this to my favorite wall in my house. A canvas photo print that I took at Alki Beach here in Seattle. Photos of my work BFFs and me and a former roomate and dear friend on our birthday a couple years ago, a candle and candle holders I've never used, a fireplace I've never used, a favorite life advice sign, a mirror, quote plaque from my mommy, decorative crystal from the Pittsburgh Conservatory, and my bamboo plant Ferdinan

Last Credit Card Statement

• Only one and a half to go ---YEAH!!!!!

Screensaver

• Technically I don't have one set. But my desktop background is my favorite shot from Greece.

TV every night

• The only things I watch every night are Intentional Talk (MLB Network), Jimmy Fallon, and Chelsea Handler -and technically they're only on weekdays
• Things on my DVR that I never miss include, Vampire Diaries, Swamp People, 19 Kids and Counting, Grey's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory, The Good Wife, New Girl, Criminal Minds, Myth Busters, Project Runway, True Blood, Dexter --I kind of enjoy my TV :)
• TV on DVD that I own complete series of --ER, Grey's, The OC, Sex and the City, Entourage, Vampire Diaries, Band of Brothers, The Pacific, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and of course FRIENDS. ...I also own the compilation of the best episodes of Yankeeography -a throwback from my NYC living days when I had unlimited YES Network access 

My Mood's Soundtrack

Lately...  The first three have been on a continuous loop, the others added in for variety since they also fit my mood nicely. The last four were contributions from my resident music adviser Jill.

Kiss Me --Ed Sheeran

Turn to Stone --Ingrid Michaelson

Skinny Love --Birdy

Come Down To Me --Saving Jane

Blue and White --Beth Waters

October --Rosie Thomas

Maybe I'm Amazed --Jem

Come Away With Me --Norah Jones

Ocean Size Love --Leigh Nash

Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop --Landon Pigg

New Soul --Yael Naim

Heavy --Holly Brook

Ordinary Miracle --Sarah McLachlan

Ten Thousand Angles --Caedmon's Call

Somebody That I Used To Know --Gotye

Stay --Rihanna

Lost Cause --Priscilla Ahn

Happy Together --Filter

Just Give Me A Reason --Pink

Without You --Glee Cast

Maybe Tomorrow We'll All Wear 42

What an amazing man Jackie Robinson was.  What an amazing strength of character. And how sad it was and how sad it is that what he did was such an accomplishment. Don't mistake me. I think Jackie Robinson was one of the greatest Americans to have ever lived, and one of the greatest players to ever play the game. What he did, what he accomplished, and the manner in which he did so was nothing short of admirable. The tragedy lies in that it was a feat to overcome. I'm not here to rewrite history. I'm well aware of the way the world is and the way the world was and has been. Why does hate exist? Well, every thing must have it's opposite. Love and hate. The question for me is, why do we as a human race let hate define us. Why do we direct hate towards each other? And not just hate but such deep-seeded loathing. Over such ...I don't even know the word ... irrelevant things.  It seems so easy now, so clear cut. Of course it's silly to have a separate entrance to a ballpark for each color of skin. But not then. And for so many in the world it does not seem silly to write off, to loathe, and to ruthlessly persecute masses of human beings on the basis of race. Religion. Gender. Sexual orientation.

As I sat in the movie 42 tonight in honor of Jackie Robinson Day, I felt as though I was being slapped. Each slur that was said, each mistreatment represented was a shock to me as a woman in today's society. I know this is the way it was and yet I can't help but think how ridiculous and utterly stupid people sounded when they said such hateful things about another human being simply because he was black. How silly they sounded and how ...again there is no adequate word ...pretentious they seemed for thinking they were superior to any other human being on this planet. I wondered if people today who protest such things in such grotesque displays of humanity's worst traits will realize how ridiculous they will sound in fifty or sixty years.

In a day filled with so much hate, on a day when parents are mourning the loss of a child, a brother, a friend, and even unknown persons after the terrorist attack in Boston, on such a day I ask myself why. April 15, 1947 Jackie Robinson became the first African-American major league baseball player to take the field on opening day with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Sixty-six years ago today. Eighty-two years after the end of the civil war. And seventeen long years before the Civil Rights Act. And still today this senseless hatred exists. It blows my mind. It's all so ...senseless.

Today may we look upon examples from the past. May we love a little more, hate a little less. I say Thanks to you Jackie Robinson. Thank you for having the courage to stand up and stand strong in the face of senseless wrong. Thank you for having the guts to put on your uniform with your number on your back and do what you loved every day. Thank you for having the courage to stare down an opposing pitcher and man filled with loathing toward you and ask "What are you afraid of?"  What are we afraid of? What are we afraid being accepting of others and loving our fellow human beings -label free -what are we afraid is going to happen if we do that?

Near the end of the movie Dodger's shortstop PeeWee Reese put his arm around Jackie Robinson in the center of the baseball diamond in Cincinnati. The crowd became enraged. Jackie asked "What are you doing?"  Reese replied, "I've got family here. I need them to know what I'm about. Who I am." Reese thanked Robinson for being the man that he was and then said, "Maybe tomorrow we can all wear 42 and they won't be able to tell us apart."  April 15, 2004 made Reese appear prophetic. It was a long over-due tomorrow, but beginning that day each year on April 15 every baseball player in the Major Leagues wears number 42 in honor of the man himself. The only number to be retired by all of baseball. Maybe tomorrow we'll all wear 42. Maybe tomorrow we'll realize that we're all the same. May tomorrow be today.

photo via

The Greatest City in the World

I'm sitting here slathered in menthol, drinking my tea, and watching last night's Project Runway bemoaning the fact that I have to go to work in a couple hours. I really wish I worked in a career that it was acceptable to call in sick when you're sick. But, I digress. The designers each went to a different European city for inspiration and fabric. I watched the scenes play out in Barcelona, Berlin, London, and Paris. Then they came back to the designer left in New York City, and I as they showed the skyline I realized that I'd rather be there than at any of the other placed they showed. Sure I'd like to go to all of those cities in Europe, and it would be amazing to see all the history. And I will go someday, and it will be incredible, and I will love it. And I loved my time in Greece and wouldn't trade it for anything. But there's something about you, New York. You will always hold my soul, no place will ever compare, you truly are the greatest city in the world. What is it about you?! Sigh.  That got me thinking. Living on my own in New York and discovering myself and becoming myself... Living in New York is my single most proud accomplishment of my first thirty years. There truly are no words. I can try, and I have, but ultimately the experience was mine alone and always will be. It simply has to be lived.  But I was reminded of another list of 30 things you should know by 30 that I found on glo by MSN the other night at work.  Enjoy!

30 Things You Should Know By 30

1.  That when he doesn't call back, it's not because he didn't get the message.

2.  That there's a difference between love and lust.

3.  That sometimes sleeping in and sleeping alone is the ultimate luxury.

4.  How to strike up a conversation with a handsome stranger.

5.  How to get ready to go out in less than 20 minutes.

6.  That the dishes can wait, but not forever.

7.  That time really does move faster as you get older.

8.  How to prepare at least one dish that doesn't require a microwave.

9.  How to dine out --and truly enjoy it.

10.  How to change your oil.

11.  How to life without a credit card.

12.  How to ask for a raise.

13.  How to respond when you don't get one.

14.  How to make the most of your vacation days.

15.  How to sign up for a cell phone/data pkg/buy a car without getting fleeced.

16.  What a retirement plan is and how to make sure you're setting aside enough.

17.  Your drink of choice.

18.  Your alcohol limit.

19.  That sometimes nothing feels as good as getting carded.

20.  How to tell a good non-dirty joke -you never know when you'll need a good ice breaker.

21.  That a good friend will forgive you if you forget her birthday.

22.  How to put someone else first.

23.  How to agree and disagree -and really mean it.

24.  That your family baggage is to heavy to keep carrying around.

25.  That staying out of the sun really is the best anti-aging advice.

26.  That certain fashion trends aren't worth trying. Ever.

27.  That you're either a person who can wear bangs, or you're not.

28.  That making timelines for your life is generally a waste of time.

29.  That changing your mind doesn't mean you're inconsistent -it just means you're smart enough to know that our views and opinions evolve.

30.  That someone will always be prettier or younger or smarter or more successful. But no one else will ever be quite the same combination of those things that you are.

Now, to save myself the time and finger exercise of saying it after each one... So true!!!!

Oh What A Night!!

My toes were painted, my legs were shaved. I was in a fun flirty dress.  My hair was sleek, shiny, and curled to perfection. My lips were a luscious red --my new fave from NARS-- And I was all set. Tonight I took myself out for a lil' night on the town. One of the few remaining things on my list of things I needed to do while in NY was to see Jersey Boys on Broadway. Really it's tragic that I hadn't. I left my car with the valet and headed to the 5th Ave Theater. I was sitting in a lounge on a mezzanine and people watching until it was time to go in. Seattle. Oh Seattle I am so disappointed. This is Broadway. Do not wear your ratty jeans and t-shirts. Do not wear your floral stretchy pants and cat sweatshirts. Please comb your hair and brush your teeth. You don't need to wear heels, or luscious red lipstick, or even a dress, but come ON! Pajama pants and falling apart tennis shoes. Never wear worn out stretchy pants. Anyone --and if you're 300lbs, they can't NOT be stretched out. Sigh. I had finally had enough, and muttered "Oh my hell. I miss New York." Apparently out loud, as I got strange side-ward glances from the couple next to me on the couch. I rolled my eyes, got up (said 'Good Lord' in my head in a snooty British accent) and went to my seat where the only thing I could see in front of me was the stage. It's hard to mock a stage.

On a different note, do you do things by yourself?  Dinner? Movie? Theater? Museums? If not you're really missing out. Let me list a few things about just tonight that were so fabulous. I didn't have to worry about who was coming and who didn't want to go, who felt left out, who was carpooling, who was driving whom etc. I didn't have to worry about who wants to have dinner here before the show, and who wants to have drinks there after. I didn't have to sit in my seat wondering if anyone else was having a good time. You get to do exactly what you want, when you want to do it, and you just get to sit and enjoy. I quite literally grinned the entire show. I danced in my chair, I sang along -in my head this time. When it was over I danced to the valet who retrieved my car and gave me a good-game tap and a wink as I got in, and I sang my heart out to whatever I wanted to listen to on the radio all the way home. I love me some me time!!!!!

PS -this is the unedited and unfiltered version of this photo ...I'm quite in love with it :)

photo via

Inspiring Words of Others

A girl should always be two things: Who and what she wants. --Coco Chanel

Things usually make sense in time, and even bad decisions have their own kind of correctness. --Miranda July

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. --Albert Einstein

There's something about writing that demands a leave-taking, an abandonment of the world, paradoxically, in order to see it clearly. --Jeffery Eugenides

Reality minus expectations equals happiness.

On Being 30

Tonight at work I had a bit of time on my hands. I got momentarily lost in a loop of linked articles --words of wisdom and random lists on everything you can imagine. Some are just too good not to share. This is a compilation from Glamour Magazine. I can honestly say that each of these resonates with me and I think I've accomplished each one. Some I feel more passionate about than others, but they're all glorious. Love.

By 30 you should have ...

1.  One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come. (Sigh, yes. Good.)

2.  A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. (My bed. My glorious bed. My moust proud possession and purchase.)

3.  Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. (That little black dress.)

4.  A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.  (Isn't this so true? So adult?)

5.  A youth you're content to move beyond. (Yes -content!)

6.  A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age. (Oh the tales to be told -but not for several years :) )

7.  The realization that you are actually going to have an old age --and some money set aside to help fund it.

8.  An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account --all of which nobody has access to but you.

9.  A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.(Proud moment!)

10.  One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11.  A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. (check, check, and check :) )

12.  Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13.  The belief that you deserve it.

14.  A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.

15.  A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30 you should know ...

1.  How to fall in love without loosing yourself.

2.  How you feel about having kids.

3.  How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. (A true defining moment of adulthood)

4.  When to try harder, and when to walk away. (SO important -sometimes it's just not worth the other)

5.  How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.

6.  The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7.  How to live alone, even if you don't like to.  (SO important!!!!)

8.  Where to go --be it your best friend's kitchen table or a yoga mat --when your soul needs soothing.

9.  That you can't change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10.  That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over. (And it was pretty close to perfect.)

11.  What you would and wouldn't do for money or love.

12.  That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. (Oh SO true)

13.  Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.

14.  Not to apologize for something that isn't your fault.

15.  Why they say life begins at 30. (And it does. It really does. It's a beautiful thing!)

On Civility

It's not hard to see why I got lost in this book. What's not to love about indulging in New York in the 1920s? The jazz, the prohibition, the style, the intrigue.  I found Rules of Civility by Amor Towles a captivating story that wasn't a tale. It bore a real-life element that was so refreshing. It's how life is. And I related to it on a whole new level. The way that friendships change, relationships change, and what once seems meant to be never happens and it's okay.  A few particular gems:

It was a matter of making it through the night, which is often harder than it sounds, and always a very individual business.

It was a cute answer. At least, that's what I thought at the time. But on cooler reflection, it struck me that when you're asked your favorite day of the year, there's a certain hubris in giving any day in June as you answer.  It suggests that the particulars of your life are so terrific, and your command over your station so secure, that all you could possibly hope for is additional daylight in which to celebrate your lot. But as the Greeks teach us, there is only one remedy for that sort of hubris. They called it nemesis. We call it getting what you deserve, or a finger in the eye, or comeuppance for short. And it comes with an appropriate raise in pay, responsibilities, and professional status.

Oh, I think you're wrong. I think we all have some parcel of the past which is falling into disrepair or being sold off piece by piece. It's just that for most of us, it isn't an orchard; it's the way we've thought about something, or someone.

It is a bit of a cliche to characterize life as a rambling journey on which we can alter our course at any given time --by the slightest turn of the wheel, the wisdom goes, we influence the chain of events and thus recast our destiny with new cohorts, circumstances, and discoveries. But for the most of us, life is nothing like that. Instead, we have a few brief periods when we are offered a handful of discrete options. Do I take this job or that job? In Chicago or New York? Do I join this circle of friends or that one, and with whom do I go home at the end of the night? And does one make time for children now? Or later? Or later still?

In that sense, life is less like a journey than it is a game of honeymoon bridge. In our twenties, when there is still so much time ahead of us, time that seems ample for a hundred indecisions  for a hundred visions and revisions --we draw a card, and we must decide right then and there whether to keep that card and discard the next, or discard the first card and keep the second. And before we know it, the deck has been played out and the decisions we have just made will shape our lives for decades to come.

Maybe that sounds bleaker than I intended.

A Classic

And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors' eyes --a fresh green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby's house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an aesthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.

...

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter --tomorrow we will run faster stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning ----- 

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

F. Scott Fitzgerald -The Great Gatsby

A transitory enchanted moment. Aesthetic contemplation. Commensurate to a capacity for wonder.  How I related to this book. I found myself in the narrators place, and I found myself contemplating how similar to Gatsby's fate would be my own. Ultimately what facades come down and what about us do they bare to the world?