To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Florida Board of Nursing: How long can it possibly take to get fingerprint cards mailed from Florida to New York City? Apparently more than A MONTH!!! I could have rode my bicycle (assuming i had a bicycle) to Miami to pick them up and back by now. Send me my fingerprint cards!!!!

Dear Eye Doctor: Thank you for deciding that you needed to see me before allowing me to refill my contact perscription so that I can see. I understand that my eyes must have changed exponentially in the last 9 months since I've seen you, and it's perfectly logical for me to jet home to Logan to make an appointment to see you. Remember when I saw you 9 months ago (I know it seems like forever) and we discussed that I would be moving around the country so it would be a good idea to keep my normal two year interval between appointments, and would thus-ly need two years worth of contact lenses? What happened to that idea? I am not so much all about the risk of infection and corneal abrasion etc of wearing the same pair of contacts longer than recommended. And although I do look pretty damn cute in my glasses (see random thought #4) they get in the way at work. Which brings me to:

Dear creepy-going-to-go-postal-any-day-now-at-work-guy: Please leave me alone. It is creepy when you stand so close. When I am not friendly and outgoing toward you, I am not playing hard to get. When you are the only one not actively involved in saving a man's life, and I am forced to ask you to take my glasses off my face or risk having them drop on the bloody-vomit covered body of the man who I am doing chest compressions on, it is not a come on. It just means that I am compressing so hard that my glasses are sliding down my nose, and I would like you to remove them from my face and go place them somewhere away from the bloody vomit. This would not only save my glasses but give you something to do besides standing 2 inches behind me breathing on me as I try to save this man's life.

Dear Cute Man who hit on me on the way home today: Thank you. I know I told you I was married, but that doesn't mean I didn't secretly appreciate being asked, "Excuse me ...can we get to know each other and ...ya know ...socialize?" As I am walking home in rain drenched scrubs after working a twelve hour shift with a greasy face and messy hair in a messy ponytail.

Dear MTA: Thank you first for suspending all express train service this weekend so I can enjoy an extra 15 minutes on an over-packed subway while you maintain the express tracks. Thank you also for 'maintaining' the express tracks which always seem to run without a problem instead of the local track which broke a rail today suspending all subway service from 110th St. and 42nd St. I enjoyed choosing between a 70 block walk home in the pouring rain, or a 6 block walk to sit on a bus for 30 minutes.

Dear no-longer drunk and high on PCP and Crack 65 year old man: Thank you for buying an orange soda for me the other day at work. Although I told you no thank you, and to enjoy it for yourself, I want you to know that it honestly made my day that you would do that for me. You are a very pleasant and sweet man when you are not screaming profanities at us. You should not do drugs so you can be sweet and pleasant all the time.

Dear hot paramedic: Thank you for offering to drive me to the deli three blocks away in your ambulance at 2:30 this morning (perhaps wearing the glasses more often won't be such a bad thing :) ). I appreciated it, but I was really enjoying the nice walk. Perhaps next time you won't get sent out on another call so soon and I'll take you up on your offer. Perhaps next time when you don't have other medics in the back of the ambulance we can discuss other ways to spend my break. Call me.

PS: Dear Hot Paramedic, please send a friend hot paramedic to Utah to entertain my friend Jill on her breaks. The hospital she works at has many really big elevators and stairwells.