Musings on a Toaster

My parents have had the same toaster their entire married life. Longer than I've been alive. It's been a constant. And it's still there. The timer might be broken and you might have to manually eject your carb-food source of choice, but I swear it still makes toast taste better than any other toaster. As I waited for my cinnamon bagel to be sufficiently browned this morning I had a sudden yearning for that toaster in my own life. Something that's a part of a home, part of a family, something with staying power. Something that in 30 years my children will come home and realize they've never seen my kitchen without. Something that while there are newer sleeker models out there isn't worth replacing because its just that sturdy. Well-built. Constant.

And two smaller thoughts...

At some point you realize that through all the perceived short-comings and failures in your life, all the time spent pondering where you thought your life would lead, the path you thought you'd take, you realize that you've built a life. Your own. And it's spectacular. And you can't have the life you were so sure you were destined for and the one you made. And you realize given the choice between the two, you'd pick the life you've made every time. And maybe that's a bit scary, but its also right. And maybe not knowing what's next is perfectly ok.

So now the question is, what do you do when you wake up one morning, consecutive mornings, and realize that everything you've aimed for and accomplished has led you to your dream job. You've made it, you have it, and you hate it. You wouldn't take any of it back, and each step was right at the time. But what now? It feels like a heroin addict perpetually chasing that initial high. You change all the pieces, the variables and you just can't get the same feeling as those first days walking out of the hospital on cloud nine, the perma-grin high. What do you do when you realize you hate the job the past thirteen years -longer really- of your life has been aimed at? For now, you smile, you fake it, and you buy new running shoes. #runhappy What's around the next corner?



Sigh. Dear Ethiopia, please get more consistent Internet... The current state of access to my dear friend is impeding my ability to whine and hash out my first world problems. So, ya know, when you get past the whole clean water, and basic health, safety and sustainability, if you could do wifi after that -that'd be great. I miss you Mercy!!

And...

The grass is always greener where you water it. Wherever you spend your time and energy, that is what will flourish. So spend it positively on the now because that's all we really have. --Riawna Capri




When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. --Alexander Graham Bell




Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily to grant your wishes. --Chauntal Lewis

And then there's this...

"Today I am grateful because I choose to be. My glass is half full. There will never be enough money. There will never be enough time. But today I can have enough gratitude." --Scott Silver

Transitional Blues

What is burnout and what is normal? I mean, not everyone loves their job all the time do they? I've been having a really hard time since I've been back. I love being closer to my family, and I have the job I've dreamed about for nine years. So what's the problem?  People just don't seem to understand. They ask how things are going, and usually I just smile and say that everything is fine or great, because really, that's what they want to hear -they don't comprehend anything else. A couple times I've answered more honestly and said, "The transition has been harder than I expected, but it's really great being closer to family." This is immediately met by the same response. A confused look and a complete lack of understanding. I mean, what could possibly be difficult about leaving an entire life? Friends that were family. A job where you knew every in and out of how the place ran. I was the go-to person for anyone that had questions. I was confident. What could possibly be hard about leaving all that love, familiarity, comfort, and solitude?  To come to a place where nothing makes sense. To a place where the general population doesn't know what do to with a single confident woman in her 30s --surely something is defective to not be married with several children. To a place where my most basic work skill -something I excelled at for the last nine years of my life- is nulled by different equipment. Where I don't know where anything is, no one knows who I am, and I can't be trusted until I've proven myself over again. I have one friend from college, who has been a great help on the days when neither of us works. I have a dear friend from high school who lives in the area, and I have my favorite brother and sister-in-law that are 20 minutes away with the love of my life --my nephew. And I have my parents, sister and brother-in-law and my other favorite nephew in the same time zone. It's just not the same. Maybe my expectations were too high about the move?

It's all just part of being new, and I know I have to be patient with myself, and soon enough I won't be new anymore. I just find myself wondering why this transition has been so hard. After all, for several years I moved cross-country and had a whole new environment every 13 weeks. Is it that I'm older now?

And how do you make your house feel like a home? At what point when I walk through the door will it feel like coming home?  I don't remember this being an issue before. Is that just selective memory? I escaped all weekend to my parent's house because I needed to be somewhere that felt like home. And that somewhere was a place that I haven't lived for ten years.

Am I just tired of doing what I do? We all go through burnout phases every once in a while. But I feel like while I'm still on orientation I should not so vehemently dread getting dressed in my scrubs and getting ready to go to work. I miss the days when I looked forward to going in to work, to saving lives, and making a difference. I'd walk out of work on cloud nine, grinning from ear to ear. Is it just a fleeting case of burnout, or is it something more? What else would I do with my life? Could I do something non-clinical related? Is it just the desert heat messing with my hormones? When did I become so non-adaptable?!

Disclaimer: One of my worst pet-peeves is complainers --debbie downers. People who can't look on the positive side and tough it out... can you see why I'm having a hard time with myself? Bleh! No one wants to be around this!!  It's all very first-world problem, and yet it's authentic, so ignoring it won't make it go away...

Diversion

Moving sucks. And the thing is, it's only the little things that are left. And I just can't bring myself to do it. So, here I am giving you the ABCs of me... something I saw on Jill's blog a while back and haven't gotten around to it. (Are you sensing a theme... ;) )

The ABCs of Me Right Now

Ambition:  To see. I want to see everything. Go everywhere. Travel is my current ambition addiction. (do I get bonus points for adding an additional 'a' word?)

Bad Habits:  Um... procrastination?

Celebrity Crush: Ian Somerhalder

Drink:  Coconut Water. I'm obsessed.

Education:  Associates of Science in Nursing from USU/WSU, Bachelors of Science in Exercise Science from Utah State, Bachelors of Science in Nursing from the University of Washington. Next up: Georgetown... tossing around the ideas of a Doctoral degree or a dual masters in clinical nurse education and public health with an emphasis in tropical medicine... I have a problem... :)

Food: Blame it on my liberalization from living in the PacNW, but I'm totally in to the whole organic, nothing artificial, no preservatives, good for you stuff. I crave vegetables. I believe that food should go bad if you don't eat it soon enough. I believe that you should know where your food came from and what is in it. I also believe in chocolate.

Guilty Pleasures: The Vampire Diaries. I'm a 31 year-old professional who saves lives for a living and I can't get enough of a teen drama about vampires. Don't knock it till you've seen it. Besides, you know I'm a sucker for a good love story and OH boy is this one epic! (not a word I use often)

Hometown:  North Logan, UT --although I did my young adult growing up in New York City and Seattle

Ice Cream: I actually found one that I like! Only one. And it was a limited edition. Go figure. But it was Ben 'n Jerry's Key Lime Pie (remember my ethical food rant earlier? Kudos to you B&J!)

Jonesing For:  A place that feels like home, and someone to share it with.

Kryptonite:  A man with a guitar... oy...

Look-a-like:  Pretty sure I don't have one. Except my dad and his mom --those are some strong genes!

Movie:  Last one that really moved me was 42. Last one I saw in the theater was White House Down --awesome. Next one I want to see... not sure. Suggestions?  All-time favorite: Dirty Dancing

Nickname: Depends of which one of my patients you ask and how many restraints they were in... (I really don't have one)

Obsessions:  Travel, family, friends.

Perfume: Dolce and Gabana Light Blue -Walking in Portofino

Quirk:  Temperature settings. My car or house always have to be set to an even number. 68, 72, 74...

Regret:  I believe in living life without regret. I'm terrified of regretting the road not taken, so I always take it when the opportunity arises. Challenges are part of life, and I don't regret those either.

Saver/Spender:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The Last Book You Read: The best 't' word we could come up with is the?  Really?  The last book I finished was Beautiful Ruins. 

Unique Feature: I don't have a cleft in the cartilage at the tip of my nose. Put your finger on the end of your nose (you can sing head shoulders knees and toes if it helps) and rock it side to side. Feel that ridge between two bumps of cartilage? I don't have that. My nose is perfectly smooth and rounded.

Vacation:  Next up is Nashville TN this fall. Next big one is England/Ireland/Scotland hopefully next fall.

Wardrobe: Sun-dresses and khakis --not together of course

Xrays:  I've worked in emergency medicine for eight years, I look at xrays every day. If I can tell what's wrong with it, it isn't good. Last one I had taken was sophomore year of college (the USU one) when I thought I broke my thumb, Turns our I just shredded all the ligaments and tore a tendon instead.

Years:  I just finished a daily photo blog capturing 365 days of my 30th year. The way I feel about years --any way you group them-- can best be summed up by the note I authored on the cover page. But if you don't want to wait for the book to come out, it goes something like the following. There's a million different ways you can measure a year... Thank you lyrics to RENT...

Zen: Meditation. Deep breaths. I'm obsessed. It works.

Closing Time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.

...

Gather up your jackets, move it to the exits,

I hope you have found a friend.

Closing time.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

And so it is. I have logged out of EPIC for the last time. The photos of my loved ones no longer grace the space that was my locker. Tears have been shed, hugs have been hugged, and goodbye's have been spoken. On to the next chapter of my life. And I have to be honest. I'm nothing but excited. I will miss my friends dearly, but we will be friends still. It's all onward and upward from here, and I'm giddy at the prospects.

The emergency department is a strange vortex of sorts to work in. A friend describes it as the island of misfit toys for staff, and that's kind of true. We're all thrown together in this crazy jungle,with only each other to survive. We see people at their absolute best, and their absolute worst. The people you work with are not just your co-workers, they're your family. They are the only ones who know what it felt like to look the father of the dying child in the eyes as he plead with you to save his baby. They are the only ones who know exactly what it feels like to go home completely spent in that particular way after a long day. They know what it feels like to haul ass down to hallway because your cath-lab pt is starting to look particularly grey. They, and they alone, know the look in your eyes as they run the lifeless patient into your arms. They know the tone in your voice as you call to announce something terrifying and scary -before you even speak.

You've been to their weddings, you've been to their divorce parties. You've held their newborn babies. You've seen them laugh, you've seen them cry, you've seen them love, you've seen them hurt. You've shared tears of loss, and tears of joy.  

How to say goodbye. And is goodbye really a thing in this day and age? I kind of think not. And I don't like goodbyes. So I say keep in touch. And I hope that you do. I hope that I have behaved in such a way that you all know what you have meant to me. I hope that I have been grateful and teachable in the appropriate moments so that I don't need to dole out group thanks and speeches at the end. The moments I have shared with you will last in my memory for a lifetime. Moments in the hospital, and especially out. I hope you are aware what it meant to me to be your friend, your co-worker, your mentor and your mentee. I have been extremely blessed over the last five years, and it is these good memories that I take with me. 

I was pondering the other night as I was staring up at my ceiling waiting for sleep to come. I have often said that my heart is in Seattle, and my soul is in New York. I don't think that my heart is in Seattle anymore. I think that it is mine and will be staying with me. It will be hard to give it to another city again. New York I'd imagine will always have my soul. There's just something about that place. But what is in Utah, I wondered. Obviously my family, but that's not what I meant --what of me is in Utah. What am I doing?! The best thing I could come up with is that my bed will be in Utah. And that is a big deal for me. And now, my future. My future is in Utah. Of this I am sure. And that's all I need for now. Because it's going to be awesome.

In the meantime take care of this box, new owner, whomever you will be. Love your co-workers, smile, and be happy. Even when it's not easy. 

Packing a Life --Memories in a Bedroom

The faint hint of perfume that remains on that shirt.  The words on the pages of those letters; kept but forgotten. The smell of summer barbecues on that top. The sound of the jazz band that played during dinner that lingers on that dress. Those two photos in frames forgotten in the bottom of that drawer. The carefree day that calls from that pair of capris and flip-flops.  The "haven't slept in two days and  desperately need to let this out" thought vomit from three in the morning. The laughter emanating from that black feather boa. The small trace of cologne that still sticks to that hoodie I kept. The tears that still stain that sweater; the way fall looked on the Central Park leaves in that one. The blister from those heels worn dancing the night away. 

It's a strange thing sorting through and packing up five years of your life. Pieces to keep, pieces to discard, and pieces to donate to someone else for new memories to be made.