Closing Time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.

...

Gather up your jackets, move it to the exits,

I hope you have found a friend.

Closing time.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

And so it is. I have logged out of EPIC for the last time. The photos of my loved ones no longer grace the space that was my locker. Tears have been shed, hugs have been hugged, and goodbye's have been spoken. On to the next chapter of my life. And I have to be honest. I'm nothing but excited. I will miss my friends dearly, but we will be friends still. It's all onward and upward from here, and I'm giddy at the prospects.

The emergency department is a strange vortex of sorts to work in. A friend describes it as the island of misfit toys for staff, and that's kind of true. We're all thrown together in this crazy jungle,with only each other to survive. We see people at their absolute best, and their absolute worst. The people you work with are not just your co-workers, they're your family. They are the only ones who know what it felt like to look the father of the dying child in the eyes as he plead with you to save his baby. They are the only ones who know exactly what it feels like to go home completely spent in that particular way after a long day. They know what it feels like to haul ass down to hallway because your cath-lab pt is starting to look particularly grey. They, and they alone, know the look in your eyes as they run the lifeless patient into your arms. They know the tone in your voice as you call to announce something terrifying and scary -before you even speak.

You've been to their weddings, you've been to their divorce parties. You've held their newborn babies. You've seen them laugh, you've seen them cry, you've seen them love, you've seen them hurt. You've shared tears of loss, and tears of joy.  

How to say goodbye. And is goodbye really a thing in this day and age? I kind of think not. And I don't like goodbyes. So I say keep in touch. And I hope that you do. I hope that I have behaved in such a way that you all know what you have meant to me. I hope that I have been grateful and teachable in the appropriate moments so that I don't need to dole out group thanks and speeches at the end. The moments I have shared with you will last in my memory for a lifetime. Moments in the hospital, and especially out. I hope you are aware what it meant to me to be your friend, your co-worker, your mentor and your mentee. I have been extremely blessed over the last five years, and it is these good memories that I take with me. 

I was pondering the other night as I was staring up at my ceiling waiting for sleep to come. I have often said that my heart is in Seattle, and my soul is in New York. I don't think that my heart is in Seattle anymore. I think that it is mine and will be staying with me. It will be hard to give it to another city again. New York I'd imagine will always have my soul. There's just something about that place. But what is in Utah, I wondered. Obviously my family, but that's not what I meant --what of me is in Utah. What am I doing?! The best thing I could come up with is that my bed will be in Utah. And that is a big deal for me. And now, my future. My future is in Utah. Of this I am sure. And that's all I need for now. Because it's going to be awesome.

In the meantime take care of this box, new owner, whomever you will be. Love your co-workers, smile, and be happy. Even when it's not easy.