My Chemical Romance

Addiction. We all have one. We all have more than one. And really, I don't understand it. I mean, I understand the pathophysiology of the body's physical addiction's (things like nicotine and heroin), but I'm talking about the addictions that everyone has. Some might call them obsessions, but I am not one of those some. At least not today. I spend a large majority of my time at work dealing with addicts. They are all the same really. I swear that I scrub the giant "stupid" off my forehead every day --especially before work. But apparently sometimes I forget. Each person thinks that they are the only one to try to get drugs, and most of them can be quite entertaining actors. They all have big dramatic stories and elaborate descriptions of their pain, and they are all allergic to vicodin, toradol, morphine, compazine, reglan, and motrin. Strangely enough though, the only thing that works for each and every one is dilaudid. We all roll our eyes and prepare for the dramatics that will inevitably ensue when we explain that they will not be receiving any narcotics. These addictions are easy to see. So are the alcoholics. I must admit, I have a hard time trying to reason these things out in my mind. In my mind, if you want to do something, you find a way to get it done. By the same token, if you don't, you don't. So in my brain, if you don't want to be drunk all the time and loose your family and friends, you stop drinking. I understand that it's not that easy, but that is just the way my brain works. I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks though.

As I mentioned at the beginning, we are all addicted to something. For the most part these are healthy addictions. My addictions vary and are for the most part healthy. I only have the capacity to have one at a time though --I get REALLY in to my addictions :) It started in middle school --well ok, probably earlier, but I'm getting old and can't remember the specifics of any before that. Middle school is when I became addicted to Days of Our Lives. Yep, the soap opera. Actually, come to think of it, I was addicted to Saved By the Bell in 5th grade ...but we won't go there. My friends and I arranged our schedules around the show, and it affected a large part of my day. In high school I quickly became addicted to basketball. I didn't miss a single home game, or any that were within driving distance for my 16 year old self. In College, I was still addicted to basketball --just Aggie Basketball instead. Most of you understand this well. It's an addiction. You know it is. Then when my Aggie bball days were nearing an end my addictions began to shift to the Yankees. And Derek Jeter. I get the text messages of game updates, I check the Yankees website and everything related to the Yankees every day. I drove 1000 miles to see them play in Oakland. I could tell you each players batting average, who's hitting streak was how long, who they played today yesterday and tomorrow, how many games were left and what the standings were in each division. I even wrote a research paper for my motor learning class (a 3000 level) on the Yankees. I have a life size cardboard cutout of Derek Jeter (the best birthday present ever) and he has been all over with me. Oh the places he's seen! He's been on my cross country road trip to Long Island, NY. He spent three months living on Long Island, then joined me on the trip to the other end of the country where he spent a glorious 3 months in southern California. He thoroughly enjoyed the drive up the Pacific Coast Highway, and has been living it up here in Seattle. He came to all our parties and even dressed up for special occasions and holidays when he lived with my roomies and I in Logan. We celebrated his birthday every year --there was actual cake and singing :) Each of my roommates and I have had at least one conversation with DJ --he makes a fantastic listener.

You are probably wondering where I'm going with this. Well, I'm a horrible fake girlfriend. Today I realized that Derek Jeter's birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I did not even remember a little bit! Let alone celebrate with a cake or birthday margarita or feathered hat! Apparently my addiction has evolved again. Everyone take a deep breath ...it's ok, I still love Derek Jeter ...calm down. But like the changing of the addiction from the Aggies to the Yankees, I am now addicted to someone else. Which sucks, to be right honest with you. It sucks because I'm moving 3000 miles away, and I'm having withdrawals. I'm not exaggerating. I get jittery, I'm nauseous all the time, I had an honest to goodness full blown panic attack the other day over the thought of leaving. My lips and fingers and toes were numb and tingly and everything. And I couldn't make it stop. And I'm still here. And he's still here. So really this is all pre-withdrawal withdrawal. The thing is, that I know that it's the right thing for me to do to go to New York. I know that if it's meant to be that it will work out. I know that I can come back at any point. I don't know why I'm supposed to leave, but I am. And it sucks. A lot. Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all was full of shit! Before you fall in love you are in a blissful ignorance of your numb state. You can't ever go back to blissful ignorance. Once you know how wonderful it is, you can't go back to blissful numbness. There is only the blistering pain of the separation. The fact that -for whatever reason- the separation is what is supposed to happen, or what is good for you, does not make it better. A heroin addict can never go back to the blissful ignorance of not knowing what it's like to be high. It is better and more healthy for the addict to not do heroin, but that doesn't take away the pain of withdrawal. Is it better to have done heroin and stop than to never have done it at all? Of course not! So why does this philosophy apply to love? It doesn't. If you can't continue doing heroin in a blissful continually-high state then it is best to never know what you're missing. As far as love goes, jealous doesn't begin to describe the way I feel toward those of you who fell in love the first time (I mean really fell in love --not the high school kind) and got to keep your addiction for time and all eternity.

So I don't understand addiction. Why does something so emotional have such a physical pain accompanying it? My brain does not comprehend why I can't just stop the crying and stop the anxiety. That is the way my brain works. I do what I want, and if it's not easy, I just work harder and harder until I do it. This isn't like that. No amount of work on my part can change the Lords plan for me. No amount of work on my part of aligning my will with his will make this any less painful. There is medication you can take for panic attacks. There is mediation you can take for anxiety. There is no pill that will take you back to blissful ignorance. There is no pill that will take away the empty gaping hole in my chest that I put there myself by leaving 3000 miles away from my addiction. There is no pill that will make this go away. In this way physical addictions are easier to cure --there is a pill you can take to fix it. How did this happen? Why? I don't know. I hate not knowing. It makes me down right mad to be honest with you. My freshman year of college, there was a girl in my ward named Katie Webb. I don't know what she's doing now-a-days or where she is, but she said something in a relief society lesson that has stuck with me for a long time.

"The Lord always blesses up. He's not going to take a great guy out of your life and say, ' here you get this looser now --have a great eternity.' " The lord must have something truly spectacular in store for me. But I think this applies to more than just boys. The lord always blesses up. He is perfect and his plan for each of us is perfect. The concept has got me through a lot of sticky situations non-boy related, and it has always held true. I can only hope the way she intended it originally will hold true as well.

This has turned into kind of a depressing post, and I didn't intend it to be ...so anyway ...how are all of you ;) From here on out I vow to be a better fake-girlfriend --and I'll get Derek Jeter a belated birthday card next time I'm at the store :)