Things I've Learned

A lot of changes are coming my way. And it all feels so right and so exhilarating in a way that nothing has felt in my life for several years. And it all has me sentimental and nostalgic. There are a lot of amazing things I've learned in my life and travels that have gotten me to this point. And a few amazing people. Because even though it's right and it's exciting, it's still scary. And parts of it are sad. So here's what I know. My best friendships have survived distances of a few miles clear up to a few continents away. And the times when we've been the farthest apart are the times when we've been the closest. My dear friend Mercy pointed out to me last week that facebook had our chatting messages saved from 2010. She said that she had been reading through them and... "wow... we've had some journeys huh?!" So yesterday when I had a day off I went with my curiosity, and scrolled all the way back through four years of messages and started reading. Wow. Some journeys. In a way it was better than reading an old journal. Because every conversation was in the moment and a raw snapshot of what life was in the exact moment. I read through these messages with the hindsight of how each new relationship turned out. And how things that seemed benign ended in deep tragedy, and things that seemed tragic in the moment are comical blips on the radar of the past now. And the learning and growth... just wow!!!

I've gotten off track. How unlike me ;) But the whole reminiscing experience made me think about the journey and journeys I've been on. And the people that have been there with me. I read through old conversations with several friends after this initial one, and I just smiled. I have learned that no matter where I go I have amazing people that love me, and whom I love. And people whose friendships have not only survived physical distance, but been stronger in the distance.

I've learned that a life where you can't be happy isn't worth staying in. I've learned that ultimately you have to do what feels right and what speaks to your soul. I've learned that being the best you is the best thing you can give to people. Even if that means you don't live in the same time zone. This is not to say that I won't miss certain people terribly. The thought of no longer being able to spend every day off playing in the dirt and splashing in puddles with my nephew rips at my heart.  The thought of not having his fingerprints on my iPad and phone, and looking at me like I'm the greatest thing ever hurts. The thought of no longer being able to go on twice-monthly Starbucks dates and fishing with my dad on random mornings when it strikes our fancy pains me. The thought of not being here when my mom wants to come down and go shopping makes me a bit sad. The thought of not seeing my best sister in law, best friend, and her sweet family every Wednesday while we laugh and talk and de-stress under the pretense of baking yummy things. Not being able to push a button on my vocera and have access to my best friend Jill in the same hospital is kind of sad. These are the things that have gotten me through the past year.

But the thought of going somewhere new and starting this new adventure thrills me. The thought of being debt free in a year liberates me. That's another thing I learned by coming back here. I learned that I can live with less. I can do more and need less. The thought of having an end goal that is exciting and attainable and actually taking action to accomplish the goal exhilarates me.

And I couldn't do it without the knowledge that my friendships will not only stay intact, but that some will grow stronger. And the knowledge that my family is my base of support, and how great it will be to be able to come back and see them when I'm living my dreams and making things happen, and being the best person that I can be because that's what they taught me. It will be hard to be away from them, especially from my littles (one of whom will be moving to a new state of his own with his parents) but I want them to know that they can go anywhere and do anything and be loved just the same. Hopefully that's part of an example that I can leave for them. Being the best me is the best thing that I can give anyone.

So here's to long sordid email conversations, video chats, and phone calls. Here's to vacations and adventures and accomplishing goals. Here's to living the best life you can, the one that's meant for you!!

Loss

Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end. But in my heart's a memory, and there you'll always be. (Disney's Fox and the Hound) I didn't know you as well as some. I had known you for such a short time. In that short year, you made such an impact in my life. You made a very difficult transition for me a little easier. Your vibrant smile, infectious laugh, radiant attitude, and that kindred mischievous glint in your eye. Our ER family lost a beloved member and gained another sassy angel to watch over us --and maybe laugh at us a bit. So in your honor my dear Kelly, I'll share this reminder with my little corner of the world; One of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain that hangs in my living room. And I'll add my two cents: Don't let a single moment pass you by in waste. Never let one single opportunity pass you by to tell the people in your life how grateful you are for them --even in the smallest of ways.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Nothing says the 4th of July to me like a girl walking through a farmer's hay field in a sundress and flip flops to a small town parade where hoards of small children gorge on sugar and sunscreen. The smell of hairspray and world domination thick in the air as dancers, cheerleaders, and rodeo queens prance by in puffs of glitter. The crowd cheering perhaps loudest of all for the boy scout troop scooping piles of manure into giant buckets pulled by 4-wheelers following the horse brigade. This has been my day. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. The great thing is that this day is repeated in small towns throughout this vast vast country of ours.

I stopped by the grocery store we used to sneak to for donuts while ditching class in high school, this time to pick up some deli lunch-meats with my mom.

I've eater watermelon, sloppy joes, and so many cherries my fingers are stained red. I accepted half-eaten taffy bites from my nephews. I've laughed so hard my stomach hurt and my lungs spasmed.

I watched fireworks explode in the sky, hot dog on my plate, tears on my cheeks, as God Bless America played in the background.

I listened to Kenny, Brad, Zac, and Rodney. I watched The Sandlot, and I watched the beautiful flag wave in the hot summer breeze of my parents porch. I kept tabs on the Yankee game. (they won)

And I gave a silent prayer of thanks to be able to be here with my family. And for all those who have fought so hard and sacrificed so much in order for me to enjoy the day in celebration of freedom and independence.

A Fault in our Times?

Haven't seen that movie yet. Read the book and loved every word of sheer unadulterated reality. I did however, see Maleficent today. Good show. I couldn't help but wonder. Sleeping Beauty was pure magic for me as a child. It was my favorite, and still is to this day. So much so that when it was released from the vault and we got it on VHS when I was in high school, I watched it in the same sense of wonder I had as a child. I could tell you the exact spot and position I sat on in our living room when I'd watch it as a small girl. I had flashbacks of sitting at the table in my room listening to the read-along tape ...you know, the ones where the tape reads to you and prompts you to turn the page in the book with the magic fairy-like sound? I vividly remembered my favorite page in the sleeping beauty coloring book that I had as a small child. As 17 year-old me watched the movie these memories came back in such a visceral way it's still hard to capture the feeling in words.

So what I wondered was, in today's world of constant readily-available everything, does that magic get lost? Is it even possible to see a movie once or twice as a small child, fall in love with it, and then not have access to it, or the ability to see it again for twelve years? Does the magic exist if it's just every day life? I kind of feel bad for today's little ones. In the same way that the novelty would wear off if you were to get a pedicure every week. It's fantastic that they have everything available to them at the click of a button. It's just that a part of me wishes they'd have things that they'll never even miss. Like the joy and appreciation that comes in loving something while you have it, and then moving on to the next adventure because time has run out on the first thing. That's such an important life lesson. One that we'll all learn in some way... even if it's not in wishing for a day when everything wasn't so.... automatic...

Throwback Thursday

Something happened to me today that doesn't happen often ...ok, maybe ever. I became nostalgic over high school memories. I'm not one of those bitter people that looks back on high school with any sort of negative emotion. I actually loved high school. But from the moment I graduated, it's never been anything I'd wanted to go back to. And I think that's the way it should be. Life just gets better and better every day. So today when my sister texted me a video of this year's graduating class singing the School Song at their commencement ceremony, I was surprised when I teared up a bit.  I don't want to go back by any means, but I had a flood of memories of laughter and good times while watching the video. Remembering the countless hours spent with arms around best friends (--Kelli, Kristy, and even Steph and Becca although they were younger) screaming the school song at the top of our lungs at halftime of basketball games. Remembering that it was our class that started the tradition and how fun it was when Ben Salisbury would wheel out the piano at halftime and we'd all scream away. I remember the feeling at my own high school graduation as we sang the words "We will always say as we go our way, and of this it can be told; The friendships dear we have made while here, are a treasure more than gold." I teared up then as we got ready to toss our caps in the air because it was true. And it was also the end of an era. The end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood. And looking back it was such an exciting precipice to be on the edge of. And what a wild, crazy, and wonderful ride was ahead of me. My friendship with Kristy that began before and has grown stronger after, as well as my friendship with Kelli are among my most treasured life experiences from high school. Two friendships that no matter the time, distance, or events between us will always feel like coming home.

In other throwback news that surprised me this week, I went to see the movie Million Dollar Arm with Jill. This is not surprising. We love sports movies --and this one was AMAzing. What was surprising, is that she cried through the end, and I didn't . Shed. A. Single. Tear. Shocking, I know. I just don't think I'd filled my tear-tank back up from my emotional breakdown two days before. I'm getting off track. The throwback surprising part happened before the movie. We were getting ice-cream at Coldstone. There were periods of time during college where I would eat nothing but Apple Pie A-La Coldstone with oatmeal cookie batter ice cream for weeks. Every day.  As I was waiting to pay for my ice cream I dug through the pile of cards in my wallet and came across an old punch card from the Logan store. I don't remember when I got it, but it may very well have been in the college years. I asked the girl if they still took them, and she said they had a different card, but that she could trade it over. As she was throwing mine away she saw the Logan address on the back and asked if we lived in Logan because the card she switched over to was only good at a few SLC locations. I said, no it's just an old card from college. And she said, "Oh so from a while ago then?" And I wasn't offended in the slightest. Surprising huh?  It's been ten years since I graduated from college the first time. Ten years. And I don't want to look like a 21 year old any more. I want to look like a woman in her 30s who has lived and experienced life, who has figured out who she is and who loves and has loved every minutes of those ten years. It was a very deeply happy moment to realize how at peace I was with the woman I am.

What would Throwback Thursday be without a few photos :)

Kristy and Me

Kelli and Me

2004 Nsg School Graduation

2014 -the 10yr anniversary shot

A Rose by Any Other Smell...

First, today I had a small breakdown that brought me to tears at the thought that I'm 31 years old (I think, right? I'm 31? Pretty sure...) and still don't really know what my life is doing. And my first thought was, I have GOT to go running tomorrow. It's only been three weeks and the breakdowns are back. So, bonus points to me for healthy living and productivity. My second thought was that I was going to spend my evening wrapped in a blanket in my favorite chair listening to Ed Sheeran, Carey Brothers, and binge-watching season three of The Vampire Diaries. All of which are cued for when I close my laptop.

Second, and the purpose of me writing this post, a thought I had the other day when I had been awake for 17 hours, and had two hours to sleep before having to be up for 18 hours. Read: when I should have been sleeping. And I had the following thoughts that came to me in that way that demands to be written about immediately.

I always wanted to be one of those girls with a signature perfume. Something someone smelled and thought of you. Something that if you died tragically someone would pick up the fancy lone bottle of perfume from your night stand and smell it wistfully, breathing in memories of you as they sigh -that kind of signature perfume.

But how do you do that? At what age is it appropriate to pick just one scent? I mean, does anyone want to still smell like Sunflowers? (My 7th grade scent) --my first obsession. Actually, if we're being honest, the first perfume I was convinced was my signature was from a boxed set my grandmother gave me when I was nine. I think it had been in her cupboard for years. It was called Chantilly Lace and came in this awful pink container with lace over the top and gold writing. Even now I remember that it smelled like the little blue hairs in the grocery store that have the dull sense of smell that necessitates 75 squirts of the eye-watering, nostril-burning, powder and bad flowers perfume. God, can you imagine if that one had stuck?!

So clearly, the proper age is not nine. Or anything in middle school. And as much as I loved high school, I don't want to smell like it for a second after I graduated. In the same manner that you wake up the morning after graduation and feel the instant quality of life improvement and frolic in the realization that life is now glorious and you're never going back. Smell included.

And at some point you grow out of wanting to smell like a Victoria's Secret store (the college phase) ...although, moment of silence for Love Spell...

Last week I bought what is going to be my new scent for the time being. Roses de Chloe. Which is surprising, because I'm  normally not a flower-ey gal. Getting off topic. I got a sample of this one on a recent trip to Sephora, and I used the entire mini tube. I just loved it. And I had to have more. Which means that the bottle of Love by Nina (Nina Ricci) that I'd been using would join the bottle of D&G Light Blue -Walking in Portofino that was my scent in and every time I wanted to be reminded of Greece. The bottle of Nina by Nina Ricci that reminds me of Macy's on 34th St. The bottle of Clean -Cotton Tshirt that was my at-work perfume in Seattle. The bottle of Daisy by Marc Jacobs that smells like Southern California paradise, trips to Disneyland, and road trips to Sea World. The bottle of Armani Code that smells like giggles in the back corner of a hidden shop in Chinatown all the way up the A-train to Fort Tryon park in Manhattan and everything in between. The bottle of Dream Angels -Forever that smells like winter nights in Logan after a basketball game. The bottle of Escada that smells like new-found collegiate freedom and exploding horizons.

As well as the bottles that smell like retail therapy, the salon you tore the sample page from the magazine out of, the ones that remind you of Saks on 5th Ave, the one you got because it smelled young and fun, the one that smelled like sheer elegance. These are the bottles that have been sprayed perhaps once. Most not even that. But I still have them. My sentimentality won't let me throw them away, and I keep adding to the collection. I have some at my parent's house that I was able to remove from my night stand years ago that are filled with even more memories of high school and the beginning of college.

But at this point, I feel like I should have one prevailing perfume that's my go-to. I mean, there are a few perfumes that I have a firm link to different people in my life. Mom, old roommates, etc. And I'm not even sure that they're still using those perfumes either. So what is the appropriate time that you choose what you want to be remembered by for a lifetime in people's noses?  Because right now my night stand looks like this. These are things that keep me awake at night.

Wisdom and A Longing for Home

I just took part in a research study on wisdom in nursing practice, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. After the week I've had I needed today. I needed to realize as I talked to the researcher that I AM good at what I do. That there is truly a lot of actual wisdom that goes in to what I do every day. I am not a trained monkey who fetches pills. Being good at what I do takes so much more than education and training. It takes a solid base of knowledge and education that is put into a continual loop of experience in stressful situations, debriefing, and adding what you learn from each situation where you make a difference to your base of knowledge, and the cycle repeats. As I spoke with the researcher about stressful situations where I feel like I made a difference I was homesick for my Seattle Family. In each scenario we discussed I was bursting with pride for the team I was a part of, I was proud to tell her the way that we made a difference, and in the way that we practiced excellence every day. There was such a thirst for knowledge in my Valley Family. The desire to know more, to be the best, and to continually learn was truly truly remarkable. And I miss it. It was one of the forests I didn't see for the trees when I was there. The raw intelligence coupled with the desire to learn and grow and do and be the best at all times is not commonplace. It should be, but that environment, those people, were truly unique. I have been fortunate to work with many great great healthcare professionals. And each place I've worked has had a handful of greats. Valley just has a lot more than a handful. The network of people there are nothing short of amazing. The team, the family. There's not another place like it in the world. The doctors, the nurses, the techs, every piece was the embodiment of what healthcare should be.