What's changed since you went to Bali?

A question I was asked today. I ran into a dear dear friend unexpectedly. She was with another friend. In making introductions she mentioned that I had gone to Bali with her. Vivian, the friend, then asked, "So, what's changed since you went to Bali?"  You see, everyone has something that changes when you go to Bali. Everyone.

The question still made me think. I've been feeling more nostalgic over my time in Bali than usual lately. A friend/former co-worker recently went for the first time and I was able to follow her journey on instagram. Watching people experience Bali magic for the first time is ...magical. In addition, the friend I ran into today is preparing to go back to Bali, leading another retreat with a new group of people. Quite frankly, I'm feeling the pull. The pull to go back. I need it. The timing is not right just yet, but it's coming.

I was thinking just the other day that of the 14 of us that went, I can make a physical list of changes in each of our lives since being back. Just ones I can see on the outside. Two of us have gone back to school, at least three of us have new/different jobs. On Monday I start a new job, in preparation to leave behind a job I haven't been passionate about for a long time. A job that at times, I've downright hated. This is no small change for me, and a long story for another post. Here's the Reader's Digest version.

So there we are in Bali. All 14 of us flying down a mountain in the middle of the jungle on bicycles. We came to a semi-abrupt stop as we turned onto a brick-path through a somewhat residential area. As we slowed to a stop to make the sudden turn coming out of the heavily tree-d area I heard a voice, I felt it, just as clear as the one that told me that I was going to be a nurse when I was wondering which major to commit to in college. This time the voice said, "I'm done being a nurse." And just like that. I knew. This is no longer for me. The only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was a little kiddo, the thing I knew I was meant to do in college. The thing I knew I was meant to do for fourteen years. I was done. And I felt so ...FREE about that decision.

The thing about decisions and answers is that they frequently come with more questions. So what am I gonna do then? You have to keep paying rent, and ya know, eating stuff. I felt the decision, I sat with the thought. I tucked it away. I held it close to my heart. I honored it. I committed to making it happen, and to staying open to what the universe had in store. I was fully present and completely enjoyed every other moment of my time in Bali. And when I got home, I got to work. I decided that step one was finding a stable job --as a nurse.

Stick with me here, lol. When you're a travel nurse you have to find a new job every 13 weeks. Which is great for a lot of reasons that belong in that other post for another time I mentioned. Travel nursing pays reallyyyyy well. So it's hard to leave. But the upheaval of your life, the uncertainty, the basic fact that you're unemployed every three months is stressful. It takes a lot of energy to overcome that. So step one to becoming what I'm meant to be now is finding a stable job. One that pays well, that has benefits, and that provides stability for as long as I need. I knew it couldn't be in the ER. I needed something new.

I'll skip over all the little miracles of how the universe brought this into my life, but on Monday I'll be starting as a full time interventional radiology nurse at UCLA. Making the same amount of money I am now. Technically more if you factor in that I'll no longer have to pay for my own insurance, and will have retirement benefits, and paid time off. It will be a day shift position with no weekends or holidays (apart from occasional on-call time). It will afford me the stability and time I need to make my passion come to life. It has taken the stress out of my life so that I can turn my attention and energy into making my next dream my reality.

I can write. Daily. I can start the blog I created months ago, I can begin creating content for the associated instagram I created at the same time. I can find my voice. I can find the story I need to tell, I can find the story only I can tell. I feel excited about life in a way I haven't in a long time. Life is amazing and I can't wait to see where this  next adventure takes me.

That is the big "visible" change in my life since Bali. That's the one I named specifically when Vivian asked this morning. It is a huge and fundamental change in my life. But it's not even close to what's changed most significantly.  It's the easiest to see from the outside, the quick go-to answer. What I wish I'd told her is this:

What's changed? Everything. Me. I've changed. The way I see the world changed. The way I love changed. The way I interact with strangers changed. The depth of my gratitude has changed. The depth of my curiosity, the way I think. The way I connect with other humans changed. The way I make eye contact changed. The way I remain open and vulnerable, the way I keep my heart on my sleeve proudly has changed. The way I give and receive emotion. The way I connect with friends. The meaning of unconditional love has changed. The way I love my family. That's what's changed. Everything. Me. And also, I'm excited about my new job and new passion projects.

Bali, I still feel you deep within my soul. And that part of me is longing for you in a way I must pay attention to. I'm not sure when, but when the time is right I'll be back. Soon, my love.

2017

Lunch with my nephew at his first grade class, playing and falling in the snow at the playground, a visit from the parents, discovering Leslie Powell, a visit from the Cody and Chel family, a rainy visit from Mandi, days on the beach with almond matcha latte's and giant beach loungers, superblooms, wine cafe's and sunshine, Washington DC, farmers markets, a visit from Rachel which covered everything from Compton to frozen rose at The Standard, Mexico with the mama where I bought my first piece of property, a new passport, Chord Overstreet with Aimee, a birthday visit from Jill with avocado cakes, beach days and a movie in a cemetery, Echo Park and Silverlake with Lauren, Bali.   Bali.      Bali.      So many days at perfect little coffee shops, two new jobs, Something Rotten, minions for halloween, Angel wings, TV tapings. Yoga. Connection, discovery, quiet, still. So many late night messages and video chats --therapy. Being Mortal, How To Murder Your Life, Big Magic, Dead Certain, The Handmaid's Tale, Wonder, The Power of Now, Daring Greatly, The Magic, Stop Saying You're Fine, The Four Agreements, The Power, Pod Save America. Car paid off. Debt free, back in debt. Disappointment. Hurt. Love. Reunions. So many good hair days.  Blackout curtains & box fans. TVD, Friends, Narcos, Mindhunter, Chelsea, Joe Koy, Anthony Bourdain, InnSaei, Grand Designs, Iliza, The Giver. Jimmy, James, Vanderpump Rules, Project Runway. Keto and bulletproof everything. Living with intention, thoughts become things, get shit done.

55 Random Questions

Because I was on this little blogging website getting caught up, found this on http://jillybeanw.blogspot.com ...and it made me nostalgic for the beginning days of Facebook and blogging when this was more common ... so here we are.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? My face --unless it's a hair-masque day in which case I wash my hair first and then wash my face while the masque is processing.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Black... surprisingly enough.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but it might be hard to track him down...

4. Do you plan outfits? Rarely.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? About...? Overall, good... happy... blessed af.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red?  The towel I'm sitting on

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?  Last night I dreamed I was at some sort of ocean/adventure theme park and I got home late and my oldest nephew had fallen asleep on the couch trying to wait up for me.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Not technically, but I did talk to several strangers after yoga.

9. What are you craving right now? Fruit. I miss carbs.

10. Do you floss? Religiously. 

12. Dream job?  Housewife.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Mom's steamed cabbage with extra butter... yummmm.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? No?

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick and suck. Lick and suck.

15. Do you like your hair? Love.

16. Do you like yourself? Love.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yeah.

18. What are you listening to right now? The hum of the refrigerator and my neighbor's footsteps... on my iPad are several new podcasts and the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle in preparation for my new commute that starts tomorrow evening.

19. Are your parents strict? Not really.

20. Would you go sky diving? Absolutely. 

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Yes.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Lol, once or twice.

23. Do you rent movies often? Not really. I used to. Now I just enjoy them in the theaters and let them go... with few exceptions.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? The ribbon on the Christmas gift I got that I have yet to actually hang on the wall.

25. How many countries have you visited? 5.

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Not since I was like 8.

27. Ever been on a train? Yes.

28. Brown or white eggs? As long as they're free-range and preferably grass-fed and organic..

29. Do you have a cell-phone? How old is this questionnaire?

30. Do you use chap stick? Rarely. I drink a lot of water. But in a pinch I have a lavender-mint by Farmacy from Sephora that I like.

31. Do you own a gun? No.

32. Can you use chop sticks? Like a pro.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? My lover, my bed.

34. Are you too forgiving? I don't believe 'too forgiving' is a thing. I forgive for me, not for other people.

35. Ever been in love? Yes.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? I'm not actually certain what any of them are doing.

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes. Don't need to again.

38. Last time you cried? Last week -while watching Moana at the airport in Cabo.

39. What was the last question you asked? Out loud? "Can I get a mat-towel and will you add this $10 to my account?" #yogalife

40. Favorite time of the year? The present. 

41. Do you have any tattoos? Nope.

42. Are you sarcastic? Lol.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? No. Is that a movie? 

44. Ever walked into a wall? More than once.

45. Favorite color? Blue.

46. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes. And regretted it.

47. Is your hair curly? Ish.

48. What was the last CD you bought? Physical CD: The Weeknd's last album over a year ago. Digital album: Moana Soundtrack.

49. Do looks matter? Absolutely.

51. Is your phone bill sky high? No.

52. Do you like your life right now? Love every minute of it.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No. Nor do I allow my cell phone in my bedroom.

54. Can you handle the truth? I prefer it.

55. Do you have good vision? Yes. It's better with my contacts/glasses.

A Note on Change

A note on change, on finding yourself, rediscovering yourself, and revisiting old haunts as a new human. (The first thing I've written in a WHILE that's made it out of the draft and for-my-eyes-only journal-esque folder --Hi everyone!)

Tomorrow I start a 13 week contract at a hospital I worked at in December of 2014. It was an assignment that I took last minute, and which moved me from the Bay area to Los Angeles. At the time I was planning on staying 13 weeks, making some money, and then going back up north where traditionally the travel money is better. That was three years ago, and here I sit in my own West Hollywood apartment.

The contract this time was again last minute after a sudden change at a previous assignment. Such is the life of a travel nurse. Let's get the "I'm dreading-s" out of the way real quick. It's night shift, both a pro and a con because night-shift people are my people. Working night shifts is my absolute jam. Love everything about it. The reason it's in the dreading section is that my days off (four per week, so a majority my life) I feel like death warmed over and the only thing I have the energy to do is make it from my bed to the couch. It also means that I'll be precisely in the center of LA rush hour traffic -both getting to and home from work. It's only 17.6 miles, but in LA we don't measure distance in miles, we measure it in time. Which means it's approximately two hours away. No joke. Also, I hated the hospital. Since leaving the first assignment I had there I have deterred several nurses from going there because "it's an unsafe 3rd world refugee camp, an absolute danger zone for your license."

Now, because I like to focus on the positive, let's count the blessings. First of all, it's a job. And it pays well. The travel options are rough right now for some reason. There are many travelers who don't have a contract at all. I'm extremely blessed to have a job, let alone to have a job that let's me stay in the city I've fallen in love with --I don't have to move, change my yoga studio, hair team, coffee shop, the palm trees, the near-continual sunshine, meal-delivery plan, etc. Second of all, I loved the people that I worked with when I was there before. Third of all, the travel nurses mantra, "it's only 13 weeks. I can do anything for 13 weeks." Bonus for me, at the end of these 13 weeks I get to go to a much-anticipated yoga retreat in Bali. So there's that to look forward to.

Continuing the list of blessings, I'll get to make my own schedule for the most part. Which means that I can sign up to work every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. This is beneficial for several reasons. With the exception of getting to work Friday night, and home Monday morning, my commute will go from 2 hours to 45ish minutes. Which means more sleep for me. Also, in the world of people who routinely work weekends, pro-tip: doing shit on the weekends SUCKS!! Seriously. Going to target Saturday afternoon? No thanks. Try getting to the beach on a Sunday --way to crowded, and let's not even talk about the traffic. Dinner reservations on a Friday night? Ugh no thanks. All of these things are SO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE Monday-Thursday when the rest of you souls are not doing them because you are at work or have to be at work early in the morning. So. Make my own schedule, work weekends, better commute, blissful days of complete freedom during the week.

This I broke down in my head fairly quickly after agreeing to the contract. What's getting to me now is trying to decide if it feels like a big step backwards. I was a COMPLETELY different person when I moved to my little apartment on the beach three years ago. The girl that moved to Hermosa beach was one who was relatively unsure of this new life she was fluffing out for herself. Not sure who she was or where she wanted her life to go.

The nurse that is going back is worlds more confident, sure of herself, four sizes smaller, her complexion is clear, her skin is soft and smooth, her eyelashes are longer, she laughs more, she smiles more. She's healthier & happier in all ways. She knows who she is and she loves herself. She's also debt free. That one was a goal she'd been working toward since traveling again. Everything else can be traced back to one tiny dot. The tip of the teeter-totter that swung my life in a better direction was a single visit to a hair salon. I'm not joking.

The day I walked in to Nine Zero One salon changed my life. My hair was a mess. It was long and heavy and split-in-not-just-the-ends. the color was dull and lifeless. It was literally doing NOTHING for me.  I walked in and I was nervous. Nervous that I wasn't good enough or 'cool' enough or 'pretty' enough to be there. After all, it's a salon for famous people. The girls at the front desk greeted me with genuine smiles and brought me back to the lounge to change into a 901 robe and wait for my stylists. I was instantly put at ease. I put the robe on and couldn't help but grin. This was a bucket-list item for me. Something I had to splurge on while I was in LA --getting my hair done at one of the premiere salons in the nation. I put the robe on, I waited with small bursts of residual nerves, and was eventually called back. I sat in Tim's chair and all traces of nervousness evaporated. Tim and Tabitha asked what we were doing cut and color wise and what I was thinking. I said I wanted to try a balayage for the color and to take several inches of the unhealthy part of my hair off but that I was open to suggestion. Talking to them was easy, I shouldn't have been surprised, but I honestly was. There wasn't a single note of pretension anywhere in the salon. Every single person there loved what they did and it showed. They all smiled, they all laughed and they all took an interest in YOU. I thought I would die when the salon owner (whom I had religiously instagram-stalked for years) came over and put her hands in my hair and told me what great hair I had and made sure I was happy, and told me how wonderful it was looking.  Before I left the salon with a head full of gorgeous hair, my life had literally been transformed. Several people while I was there looked me in the eye and told me with all sincerity that I was beautiful. I was not only told I was beautiful, but made to FEEL it. I WAS beautiful. And I was beautiful because I was me. I gained so much confidence and put effort into my appearance, because I'm worth it. My hair is healthy, beautiful, and SO well taken care of. And not only was I worthy of taking care of my hair, I was worthy of being healthy, exercising, and loving life. Needless to say the salon went from a bucket-list item to a necessity I will commute to no matter what time zone I'm living in.

I discovered hot yoga which changed my life in ways I can't adequately quantify. I learned to breathe. I learned to be. And to be still. I learned to be soft, I learned to be strong. I learned that you never know what you show up with each day until you try. I learned I'm stronger than I think. I learned that my body is amazing and capable of so much more than I give it credit for. My mind is healthy and calm, my body is fit and strong, my life as a complete whole is just... GOOD.

I've read countless books, been to two different countries, made SO many new and amazing friends, and I'm really just reflecting what a difference a few years can make. It's so strange to feel like you're starting over in a place you were at three years ago, but at the same time going back as a whole new person so it's really not starting over at all. I'm excited to see where this 13 weeks takes me, and how the people I left there three years ago have changed as well. Cheers to changes, cheers to growth, cheers to 13 weeks until Bali!!!

The nurse that left:

And the one that's going back:

Dear America

I read something that I'd like to share. Aaron Paul posted the following on instagram yesterday.

"The 11th hour has come and it is loud. Louder than before. Louder than ever. You family and friends fighting with one another, picking sides. Raising their voices to be heard. Spitting out the cliff note facts they think they might know. She said he said. Wrong. No. Stop. Enough. We are split. There is no talking to the other side. Either side. Republican or Democrat. Whoever wins there will be half the country holding each other, screaming, crying, packing their bags (if they can) and moving because they may have lost hope in this beautiful country of ours. The land of the free and home of the brave. Whatever happens tomorrow let us all remember we are living on this pale blue dot in the middle of nowhere and none of us knows whats going on. What I do know is that we should all have at least ONE responsibility and that is to simply LOVE one another. Simple as that. Let us just try and keep our heads high and now as a nation and stand strong by each other's side no matter the outcome. Do this in a kind way. A loving way. Not in a I told you so way. No more hatred. No more bigotry. Let us work thru our beautiful and flawed differences. That's all. Thank you for reading. #VOTE"

This. A thousand times this. Today I read the following also on instagram. Are you following Jedidiah Jenkins? You should be. His words are amazing and always so thought provoking.

"I once saw I spider in Versailles. I was on a tour and I saw this tiny cobweb and a spider living in the corner. I wondered if that little lady had any idea she lived in one of humanity's greatest places. I wonder if she knew her web was sewn onto gold leaf. I wonder if she cared that blood was spilled and slaves whipped and Marie-Antoinette died in the theater of that little spider's home. 

"I bet the spider thought nothing of it. Nothing of our spectacle. Nothing of our grave history. Just, 'dang, I wish there were more bugs in here.'"

Do any of us really take in the majesty of where we are? The fact that we're all tiny ants on a giant blue ball of water in the middle of an endless sea of space? How many Americans actually take in the fact that we are shaping our little corner of history? That we have a hard-fought right to vote. It is a right, also a responsibility. A responsibility to educate yourself on actual issues and, sadly, for many people, the way that our government is set up. 

I very proudly say that #ImWithHer. Not because she's the lesser of two evils. Not because I think the other candidate is a deplorable human being. I do think that, but you don't vote based on who you think is a 'better' person. You vote, hopefully, ideally, for the candidate that you feel will best represent the values you stand for in the leading of our great nation. In order to do that you have to do a little bit of research. By research I don't mean listen to commercials on tv, or realistically to news broadcasts. Every one has their bias. If you're going to listen to either side of a news broadcast, watch knowing that bias exists. On both sides. 

I had a conversation with a coworker as we were leaving work last night that sums my voting experience this year. "The reasons I voted for Hillary were all policy based. The reasons I would have not voted for Trump are all societal based. Because he has no actual discernible plan or policy that I could find." Aside from the fact that I still don't know that 'societal' is the word I was looking for (or a word at all tbh) That pretty much sums it up. 

We also had a discussion on how realistically, no matter who wins the presidency very little if anything of our day to day lives will change. And the gross impossibility of some of the claims made by Trump. Are there actually people that believe that the president himself can overturn Roe V Wade? People, IT IS AN AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION PEOPLE (the 14th... look it up if you're not familiar). In addition, are people not familiar with the three different branches of our government and the balance of powers? Even if all three branches of government were on board, such a drastic change in AN AMENDMENT TO THE FREAKING CONSTITUTION would take a shit ton longer than four years. I wish people -our own fellow citizens- were more educated on the way our government runs. Did you take that little online quiz thing that spun your opinions around all the candidates platforms and told you who your opinions were the most alike? I took the full long version and 97% of my views aligned with Hillary. Even I was surprised. Less so, the more I looked into each platform issue. 

My point is this. Be educated. Make informed decisions. Make choices on what you want, on what you know. Not based on hate. Do I think Donald trump is a deplorable human being who has zero respect for women, who is a bigoted racist who is so alike Hitler and Putin that it honestly makes me shudder, who is a dishonest and terrible business man? Yes. Is that why I didn't vote for him? No. I didn't vote for him because My values aligned more closely with the other candidates. Because I truly feel she is the better and more qualified candidate who will continue taking this country in the direction I'd like to see it go. I made the decision based on these facts. 

And if the election doesn't go the way I'd like it to, I'll be ok. Like I said, I realize that very little about my day to day life will change. Honestly, more than anything, I would be disappointed and sad for the state of humanity in our country. At the amount of hate and anger toward our fellow man that has been exhibited. The lack of integrity in leaders who refused to condemn actions they themselves found deplorable. The way that we fix that though is love. I have a voice. We all have a voice. An I hope today we all used that voice and let it be heard. At the polls. And I hope tomorrow we all use that voice to unite as one country, as one human race and be a little more kind, a little more tolerant of our fellow man. We're all in this together. Like it or not. So let's use our voice to be kinder to every person we meet in our little corner of this little blue dot we live on. And if I wake up tomorrow and the election has gone the way I hope it will, thenI hope tomorrow we all use that voice to unite as one country, as one human race and be a little more kind, a little more tolerant of our fellow man. We're all in this together. Like it or not. So let's use our voice to be kinder to every person we meet in our little corner of this little blue dot we live on.

Do what you can to make your little corner of this space we live on a better place. And realize that it's a very small corner on a very small space. Perspective.

On Doing That Thing I Do

There was a time in my career when I would walk out of the Emergency department at the end of my shift on top of the world. Actual physical excitement, and I remember thinking on several occasions, 'I can't believe I get to do this job!' I was the luckiest girl in the world. This was all I had ever wanted to do. And now it was here and it was everything I thought it would be and more. Fast forward a few years and the enthusiasm wains. But I've become damn good at what I do. And I'm still proud of what I do. I tell people, I save lives for a living. And it's true. Fast forward a few more years and I'm crying on the way in to work and sitting in the parking garage for ten extra minutes trying to force myself to go it. I get home and can't wait to take my scrubs off. Because I'm so excited to not have to be a nurse anymore that day. I'm tired.

A couple more years. A new state. More sunshine. More freedom. I no longer cry on my way into work. I don't hate my job most days. The fact that this feels like 'success' the fact that I don't loathe my job anymore feels like a win? That's depressing af. I see new nurses and student nurses in the ER and they're so excited. So passionate. And I tell them to hold on to that for as long as they can. They smile because they think I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm not mocking their enthusiasm. I'm giving honest advice.

My uber driver this morning asked me if I liked my job and I told him, "Some days. And some days I wish I'd gone to beauty school." This is not a knock to people who have gone to beauty school. Those who know me know that the people who do my hair are two of my most favorite people, and people that I hold a great deal of respect for. Both for the amazing work that they do and the hard work they've put into their careers, their art. It's something I'd thought about doing once upon a time however briefly, and sometimes I wish I'd done something else. Anything else.  But what I told my uber driver this morning wasn't wrong. I do like my job some days.

I just got home from the Emergency Nurses Association Conference. Three days of classes, mediocre food, and a whole lot of free pens, lunch bags, water bottles, and even a reusable ice pack. I have only been once before. A few years ago in Tampa, FL. The conference is annual, and after the first one I was so rejuvenated and loved it so much that I wanted to go every year. But life happens and work happens and I haven't been since. The thing about the conference is, it kind of feels like church for your job. You go to church on Sunday, you get spiritually fed, and you feel like you can make it another week.

You go to ENA conference and you get your shriveled, blackened, jaded little ER nurse soul revived. You feel like you can go to work another week. Because there is a reason you wanted to do this. That reason gets lost sometimes. twelve years of being yelled at, spit on, verbally abused, threatened, and belittled by patients contribute to that. But that's not the only contributing factor. Even through all that, most of us got into this business because we wanted to help people. We have a skill set and we have the determination to help people even when they're at their worst and most vulnerable. One thank you from a sweet little old grandma can undo a week's worth of abuse from other patients and their families.

The thing that's harder is the 12 years of being understaffed, under appreciated, reprimanded for not checking the right box on a chart, for charting but not scanning the motrin that the 18 month old spit all over your hand. Treated like a petulant child by management and administration. Nurses and doctors are no longer resources. We are commodities. We are disposable operators of the electronic chart robot who exist to click the right boxes so that the hospital can get paid. Oh, and hand out narcotics and turkey sandwiches. So that the hospital can get paid. That's not healthcare. That's not what we signed up for.

And so there's a disconnect. There's conflict. You get tired. And I don't want tired to be my story. Instead of coming to work excited every day to see what I got to do and then leaving feeling like I have the greatest job in the world, I just come to work. Sometimes excited to see my friends. I survive a shift. I fake a smile. I fetch all the turkey sandwiches and narcotics. I do the ordered tests that are unnecessary because it doesn't matter if we as doctors and nurses all think they're medically unnecessary. That's not what we're paid for. We're paid to make sure the hospitals and insurance companies get paid. And to not get sued in the meantime.  Does anyone know the ICD-10 code for holding the hand of the young woman who just got told she had cancer? What about for hugging the 95 year old man who's going home without his wife for the first time in 60 years because she died? What about the ICD-10 code for watching a patient walk in and knowing to put the crash cart outside their room because something isn't right, and you know that just from a glance. Where's that box to click?

What do you do when you 'like' your job 'some days' but you can't imagine what else you'd rather do with your life? I don't have any permanent answers. I can tell you that one thing you do is you go to these conferences. You read books. You watch TED talks. You realize that your issues are not only your's. There are people from across the country, and even Sweeden and The Netherlands who feel the same way. You listen to talks from physicians who feel the same way and have a Facebook following of hundreds of thousands of people who feel the same way. You learn new skills to cope. You get the strength in your ER nurse soul revived, and you get the strength to try again.  And then you go back to work and you take care of the people. You do what you got into this business for. You do it for those people. And you try to check all the boxes to make the desk people happy, but you take care of people for the people. You do what you can. And that's all I have for now. But it's enough.

Those Things We Tell Ourselves

On inadequacy... Why is it sometimes so hard to be kind to ourselves? Why is it sometimes so hard to believe that we deserve good things? Like, not just say we believe it and like all the nice quotes on instagram believe it, but like feel it deep in your soul at the very core of who you are believe it? There's a certain need to measure up. To be good enough, to compare. This is not ok. The need to measure up, the need to be good enough is not the same thing as always striving to improve. The subtle difference is in the intrinsic motivation. What are you trying to be good enough for? Who? Who says that you have to be 'good enough' for anyone or anything or any ideal? And why do we listen? Why do we internalize that? The truth is, you are good enough. Already. Right this second. Just as you are. One of my favorite accounts on instagram (@idillionaire) I found through the woman that owns the salon where I get my hair done. Today she posted a snipet that fit SO well with my post-yoga self discovery thought train that I had to share.

Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress --which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once. Little message for anyone who needs a reminder on trusting the process. Understand that patience means trust. It means you believe you'll receive the seed you've sowed. Don't let worry, fear, and anxiety make you dig up what you've planted just to see if it's growing. If you didn't know before there's a very important universal law called "The Law of Gestation" this law basically means that there is a natural process and order to things once they have been planted. This law works in nature; growing trees, food, and even all reproduction systems. The truth is right in front of our faces even if we don't pay attention. This is why we have to learn to respect and honor the process. When it comes to our goals and our dreams we expect things to happen, like, yesterday. And when they don't show up in the timeline that we want or the way that we expect, our doubts and limiting beliefs come into play. Our negative mind chatter creeps up and starts blurring our vision. You ave to believe that life is perfect and timing is life's best friend. Trust the process, and have faith in the unseen. The minute you decide on a goal or have a strong vision in what it is you want to accomplish, the energy starts moving through you and begins the work. Everything is in fruition! Your vision will be realized. Just believe!

We don't owe being 'enough' to anyone. As Erin McKean says, “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.” You don't owe prettiness to anyone. You don't owe measuring up or being enough to anyone. You deserve it. For you. You deserve to spend time on yourself. You deserve to have your hair done well.  You deserve the new lil gloss that makes you feel pretty. You deserve to feel pretty, you deserve to feel enough. For you. Not because you owe it to the world. Because you're you. And you deserve good things. You deserve to feel good things and to feel pretty when you're all dressed up and going out for the night, and when you're makeup free dripping rivers of sweat in a hot yoga class, and when you're eating ice cream watching tv at home alone. You deserve to eat good things, healthy things. You deserve to move and be healthy.

The little things we tell ourselves, even on an unconscious or subconscious level do some damage. I had a hard time at hot yoga today. I got dizzy a couple times, I couldn't find my balance on my right leg in any of the poses, and I couldn't get my brain to focus or connect with the breath or any one thing. My mind was racing to all the things to try to focus on -focus on the breath, tuck your ribs in, pull your tailbone in, ground through your feet-- flitting from one internal suggestion to the other without landing on any one in particular. As I was walking home I found myself wondering why it was such a difficult class for me today. The poses were the same, the teacher was the same and wonderful. The class was good, so what was it? Ultimately it is this deep seeded belief I've installed in myself that I'm not good enough. And as I strip away and let go of the layers and beliefs and bad habits I've gotten into I'm uncovering the deep hidden layers that weren't even on a conscious level yet. And it feels good to get down there, to strip away everything else and get to the center of who you are. The good pieces and the pieces that you need to reconstruct. Tear down and build again. There's such a freedom and a stillness that comes in self acceptance. In saying "Okay." Not in trying to change, but in those moments of realization, just feeling what you're feeling, listening to yourself and saying okay. The realizing and accepting what is and being ok with what is so you can build what you want, what you need. It starts with saying okay. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Okay, my body doesn't want to make that shape right now. Okay, let me just stay here for a minute. Okay, you don't feel like you're 'enough' for this person. Okay, let's feel that for a minute. What is it? Now let it go.  Be proud that you showed up today. And show up tomorrow and ask your body to make that shape again. And tell yourself that you ARE enough and believe it. Be enough for yourself and let that be all that matters. Let other people's opinions go. Show up for yourself. 

Late Night Thoughts

A quick note on staying. Part of the unspoken tribal 'rules' when I was growing up was this idea of staying. Family members that stayed close to home -next door or within a 30 minute radius- were lauded and praised, ones that ventured out as far as an hour or a couple time zones away were... not outcast, but it was different.  I just typed and then deleted several snippets of conversation I remember vividly from my childhood. Deleted because, that's not the point. I don't even think the thoughts or the words were a conscious thing. It's a several-generations deep basic instinct, part of the 'rules' that are unspoken among a group. Family or otherwise. There is nothing wrong with rules. Rules help ensure survival of the group. So staying. There is nothing wrong with staying. It's a beautiful thing.

When I was a small child, only able to speak a few words I had one phrase perfected. It was "No home!" Let me state clearly and without reservation that this was not a reflection on my home. I had the most lovely of childhoods with parents who loved me, and loved each other. I wanted for nothing. I was happy. Every time we'd be out running errands or shopping or whatever the day's tasks may have been, the story goes that I would protest loudly and repeatedly "No home!" from my carseat in the back of our car. No matter what route my parents tried to take, or where we started from, according to my mother I had a sixth sense that ALWAYS knew when we were heading toward home, and I was always down to stay wherever we were for longer. From the carseat.

Growing up I loved to hear this story --I mean, what an adorable kid right?! Lol. Who doesn't want to stay out shopping more even at 18months?!  Again, it's not that home was a bad place to be... but, there was so much more to see and do...

I've thought a lot in recent years that this in a quality that I never lost. The first time I went away on vacation --I was hooked. The first time I went to New York I literally went through withdrawals upon leaving for MONTHS. And so a traveller was born. For a while I found a place that I wanted to stay for a while. And I stayed. And I fell in love. And I fell out of love. And I stayed. And it felt like home. For a long time. And then before I realized that it wasn't home anymore I was miserable. I was a rockstar at a job that I hated. I had fallen into this old bred-deep idea that everyone had a place. That there was a home. A geographical location where everyone belonged. And you settled down and you did adult-y things like buy houses and establish pension plans. By the time I realized I needed out I was a shell of the strong woman I had become. I felt such a strong pull to be near to my family again. The thought of leaving my family had me in sobs and tears every time, so I moved my home. That gypsy soul was still lulled to rest by the concept of adulthood engrained in my brain. It was right to go home. At the time I thought I'd stay there forever. In retrospect, that was not meant to be. I was never meant to stay. I was meant to be there and to have the experiences I did. Of that I am sure. I am also sure that I was never meant to stay. Again, by the time I realized I was meant to go I had held on to the concept of staying and permanence longer than was healthy for my mental state.

The point of this (I do have one) is that I find myself at an interesting cross road. I've found a new place. I love this place. It feels like a lot of things that feel like home. I have a complete mental block on calling it home or on committing to stay. And I'm ok with that. Because staying is not for me. --geographically. I'm happier than I've been in years. I've lost 40lbs without trying. I have a core group of friends and coworkers that feel like family. I feel free. I feel right. I smile every day. Every day. Do you know why? Because I let go of the idea of staying. This idea of permanence is lost on me geographically. Do you know what's permanent in my life? People. My people. My family. My people here in LA, my people from Seattle, my people from New York, the people I met in these places are literally scattered all across the country now and with one soul-sister (in the literal sense of the term) even in Kenya. They are my permanent. They are my stay.

Sometimes it kills me to FaceTime with the people I love most in this world. I love my littles more than anything in this world and I treasure the time I get to see them --even if it's only on screen-- more than life itself. It's also hard. To not be able to go snuggle them and have them read me stories and do my makeup and see them play and laugh and grow in person. Sometimes that kills me.

People ask me all the time "When are you just going to sign on and stay?" Or "Where are you going next?" and few people understand "I'm not" and "I don't know." And that's ok. It's not for them to understand. I'm not sure I understand it fully. What I do understand is this. It's me. And I'm ok with it, and I'm ok with not knowing and not having it all figured out. I have a home. I have a permanent. I have a stay. Mine just looks different than yours. Mine is not geographical. Mine is my people. Someday I might have a geographical stay also. Who knows? I like my version of permanent just fine. If staying in one geographic location near my babies --my littles-- wasn't right, nowhere is.  There is SO much of this great big world to go and see!! I'll keep my 'home' within me, my people, and I'll continue to be just fine --as someone who inspires me daily says, 'Wherever you go... there you are. Living day by day... let's see where it takes me.'

You Learn To Live A Life

We make decisions every day in our lives. For the most part they're innocuous and mundane, but what if they're not. What if going to the drive-through Starbucks instead of the sit-down alters the course of you life? I mean, it probably wouldn't but WHAT IF?!  Then there are those decisions that you can put a pin in a singular moment of you life and say, "THAT'S it, that's the moment that changed my life." The visible sharp turn in the path of your life. Everyone has their own idea of destiny, fate, and/or the lack thereof. I'm a firm believer that "what is meant for ye shall not pass ye by" (said in an Irish accent) as told to me by the sweetest little old lady who was once a patient of mine. And if something's meant to be, it'll be. Even if you take a round-about way to get there.

Sometimes it's interesting to wonder what if. And think that in some parallel universe there's a me that went to med school that time I considered it and is an emergency physician in some metropolitan trauma center.  Living in a high-rise condo. In another universe there's a me that got married in college and has babies. In another universe there's a me who stayed in Seattle instead of moving to New York. In another universe there's a me who stayed in New York instead of going back to Seattle. All of the me's in these universes I'm sure are just as happy as the me in this realm. And in all the ways that matter, I'm convinced we'll all end up in the same place. Ultimately, the fallout from every decision you make is yours. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Overall, it's a pretty glorious picture, no? I wouldn't trade a single second of heartache and pain I've been through if it meant having to give up the a single good thing that came from each decision. I've learned to live a life. It hasn't been pretty, it hasn't been easy, it hasn't looked like I thought it would, and I wouldn't change a single second of it. Some days growing up is pretty darn awesome. Most days adulthood is really all it's cracked up to be. And the days that it's not I still wouldn't trade at the expense of those days. If you ever get the change to see this play, GO. In the meantime, I'll leave these lyrics here.

I didn't go to Vassar,

But to Smith, or Yale, or Brown

I ended up in Boston,

Or some small Alaska town

To practice law, or neuter cats,

Or fish the Bering Sea

Those lives are lived somewhere

By some other me

Some other me

Is homeless

Some other me

Is queen

Some other me has seen things that no other me has seen

If I met her I would ask her that one question we both fear:

Some other me

How’d we end up here?

...

Look down each road left untaken

Trace ev’ry turn and twist

The lives that we just let go by

The dreams we might have missed

Now we’re old enough to know that

One road ends where one begins

The moment where the “what might bes”

Turn into “might have beens”

*update*

I bought a couch two days after the last post. Lolz. Buutttt it was only $450 on a black friday extended special, so I really couldn't pass it up... And all other goals still on track :)

On Goals & Air Mattresses

Today has been an interesting one. I've been having a hard time readjusting to working night shift. Or nightshift-ish since I work from 4pm-4:30am ...ya know what? Never mind, that's a night shift. I forgot how truly crappy you feel. I had become so used to feeling like a normal person that I honestly forgot what it was like. And the days that you work are fine, because you're in a routine. And when you work 12.5 hours a day plus a 30 minute commute each way that only leaves 9.5 hours for sleeping, eating, showering, and getting ready for each day. Plus social media, because priorities.

As I was saying, I forgot how crummy you feel on your days off when you want to do things during daylight hours and maybe even see some sunshine. Because if you were to keep your same schedule you kept for working days you wouldn't see the sun for more than 2 hours. And that's not enough time for human beings. Especially for human beings who have happily adjusted to life in LA where it's sunny 345 days of the year. So I try to switch back to a slightly more normal schedule without screwing myself over when it comes time to go back to work.

Today it was a big accomplishment that I was able to get myself out of bed, ready for the day and out the door to enjoy the sunshine by 1pm. I explored the Beverly Center and went for a walk up and around Melrose. Because I'm powerless to just walk by a Sephora without going in, and I'm powerless to go in without purchasing something, I came out with $250 worth of stuff I hadn't planned on getting; stuff that I now needed. Then because I have no food at my house, nor any desire to go to the store to purchase some, I got to-go food from Craig's. Because, treat yourself. It's my day off.

Then I came home and decided that I should look into getting actual furniture for my apartment. Yes, that's right I don't have any furniture. Besides a bed. Because, priorities. Seriously. I have an air mattress in my otherwise bare living room. So I started looking at Ikea online, found a couch, chaise, chair, and rug that I liked and that were reasonably priced. Then I took a quick check of the credit card balance I've been working on paying off. And almost got sick. Because I forgot about the car tune-up I had put on there. And the afore mentioned bed. A piece of advice for adulthood? Never settle for the cheap bed.

So I logged off the Ikea website and thought, "Ya know what, I don't need a couch." And I don't. Is that weird? I feel like adults should need couches. But why? I don't honestly miss having one. My air mattress works perfectly fine for sitting. I was going to get one because I felt like that's something an apartment owner (renter) should have. Because, reasons. For some people, it might be something they need, and that's ok too. For me, it simply isn't. Because I'd rather pay off my credit card than have a couch. I'd rather get my hair done at the nice salon than have a couch. I'd rather shop at Sephora and get takeout than have a couch (or grocery shop). For me, my house is a home without a couch. And maybe when I get a couple more things done from my goal list I'll get a couch from craigslist. Maybe.

I spent the rest of the evening talking online to a friend who lives in Toronto. Talking about people who motivate us and goals that we want to accomplish, places we want to see, things we want to do. And it was a nice reminder for me. I've been doing well with paying off my debt and on spending my money on experiences instead of things. I could do better. I've slacked a bit recently. So I vowed to myself to write my goals down. Bring back the vision board. Make my goals visible again. Write them on the bathroom mirror, tack them to the wall by the door so I see them every time I leave.

No one accomplishes anything of note without working their ass off. That's just the way it works. And if you work hard and go hard and push through the parts when it's easier to quit, greatness happens. Everyone has their different goals. Everyone is different. So decide what it is that you'd rather do. What are you willing to forego to get what you want. What do you want most? For me right now? Number one goal: paying off my debts. So that I can accomplish goal number two, the only one that ultimately matters: see the world. Goal one is a necessary means to accomplishing the end-goal of number two. I'll admit that sometimes Sephora and feeding giraffes and Disneyland get in the temporary way of goal number one. There's a fine line between keeping your sanity and going overboard. A girl can't live on free walks to see palm trees alone. Every once in a while treats are ok. I just need to be better at choosing ones that I want enough to make it worth my time. Re-buckle down, re-focus, re-group. Put your game face on, put your head down, and charge ahead full steam with your goals. What are you waiting for. (If you say January 1st our friendship is in jeopardy. My loathing for and refusal to believe in New Year's resolutions is another post entirely.)

Hello, It's Me

Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be....

So, does anyone read these things anymore? Rhetorical question. I've been getting the writing bug again lately. Bad. So I thought maybe I'd check back in here, fluff out some feeling-feathers and see what happens. Much has changed since we last met. And I have much to say about how finding the right hair dresser changes your life, about doing more and needing less, about stolen property and shedding extra weight. About life and love and, well, mostly love. And life. And palm trees. First, something I've been thinking about and wanting to tell you here for --well-- years, really. The word 'but' and how I loathe it. Have I told you about this before? I don't even remember to be honest, I feel like I may have mentioned it in a post some time ago? I'm too lazy to read through and check... So... When I was finishing my bachelor's degree in nursing we watched a TEDtalk video on replacing the word but with and. Was it a video? I might not remember... it might have been in a Fierce Conversations book we read for a leadership class. I'll research and get back to you. Lol, no I won't, because let's be honest, ...I just won't.

The thing is, the word 'but' has no place in our lives. All too frequently we use the word 'but' to soften the blow of something honest we're too afraid to say outright. And all too frequently we think that things are mutually exclusive when they're simply not. The world isn't black and white folks. They worlds a delicious swirl of hues of gray. Let's look at a simple common use of the word. A friend wants you to come out for a night of fun, but you're already bra-less, in sweats with your hair up and netflix cued. "I love you," you say, "But, I'm not coming." Why not 'I love you and I'm not coming.' They're both true statements aren't they? The fact that you're not going out doesn't mean that you love your friend less. Nor does the fact that you love your friend mean that you are obligated to go out. The message that you're actually giving is that you love your friend, but not enough to put on pants. When that isn't the case at all. You just don't want to go out. Do you see how "I love you AND I'm not coming out" is a much stronger sentence? Either both phrases are true and can stand on their own or one of them isn't. And if one isn't, don't sugar coat shit, just call it like it is. No disclaimer or qualifying statement required. Be honest. Be bold. Be authentic. Be real.

"Your hair looks great, but I'm not a fan of the dress." No. "Your hair looks great, AND I'm not a fan of the dress." Don't let the fact that you're not a fan of the dress detract from the truth of the hair statement. And if the hair statement isn't true, for the love of God, don't say it. A simple, "I'm not a fan of the dress" will suffice. "It's been great visiting, but I've got to go." Nope. "It's been great visiting and I've got to go now." Do you get it? I literally go bananas when I hear the word 'but' now. It makes me completely bonkers. Don't do it. Let yourself be real. Let yourself be bold and fierce. This is not the same as being unkind or harsh. Theres a difference between being harsh and being honest from a place of love.

That's all for a minute... Maybe I'll be back soon? Maybe in ten more months? Idk.

This can be a place informal enough for twitter-speak occasionally, no?

The more I think about it, this was from a chapter in our Fierce Conversations book. Which was a FANTASTIC read, and I recommend it to everyone. It's a great life-coach book for being your best self. Maybe we also watched a video of a talk the author gave once? Idk again. I'd say I'd look it up but I think that book got stolen with the rest of my stuff? I'm not entirely sure on that either tbh. If it was stolen, it's one I'd like to have again some day and I should look into replacing it. That's how good it was. See more info here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000P28V2M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?ie=UTF8&btkr=1

Assistant, add that to the list of things to investigate when home for the holidays. Assistant? Hello? Dammit...

State of the Union --Vulnerability Hangover Pending

LaFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking... A dangerous pastime-- I KNOW

I think I'm a better long distance friend than I am in person. There are very few exceptions to this rule. Very few people that I've allowed to see me vulnerable in person. That I've been completely myself around.  That I can tell the things that you don't tell other people to --the happiest thoughts and greatest fears and depressing thoughts. Tell them, like verbally, in person. I can count them on one hand. One literal hand. On the other metaphorical hand however, there are countless people that I keep in touch better with over long distance. Social media. Text message. That I can be more myself through written and digital communication only. And it's not them, it's me. At least mostly, I think. Maybe it's just another expression of my preference to compartmentalize my life?

...

I had a full on chest-tightness, palpitations, and tachypnea panic attack the other day in the middle of Wicked at The Pantages Theater in Hollywood. Why? Because I don't have a house and what if I don't have my house paid off by the time I retire --by the time my mom was my age she and my dad had owned a home for twelve years... and what if I don't have enough money saved for retirement and I really should be more... No, Stop. It's fine... Besides, it's not like I need to have money saved to put children through college, so there's that...

...

Running hasn't been enough lately. For the past few days I've woken up on the queen bitch side of the bed. None of my usual tricks work to snap me out of it. The other day I had met my four-letter word quota for the day before I had even opened my eyes thanks to the obnoxious tropical birds outside my window (first world problems) (and have you ever seen Failure To Launch?)

• Failure to Launch

   (2006)
  Buy at Amazon
• • Time - Phrase
  • 00:20:45 They can imitate car alarms, and telephones, and other birds.
  • 00:20:48 I called Animal Control, and you know what they said?
  • 00:20:50 They said I should just enjoy one of nature's most talented singers.
  • 00:20:54 -Yeah. -I'm gonna kill it.
  • 00:20:58 Okay, I'm all set.

Anyways, I stomped out of bed, caught up on the important goings-on of the world while I was sleeping (checked in with twitter and instagram) and grumpily decided to go for a run. It wasn't enough. My legs protested, my lungs burned, my stomach threatened to overturn itself and I was still mad at some unknown entity. So I kept going. I got to the end and still didn't feel any better, which just made me more mad --where were my endorphins dammit?! I threw my hands in the air and cried. Yep. Cried. Walking from the running path to the beach --tears streaming from underneath my sunglasses. And as if from nowhere I said to myself ...or maybe as a prayer of sorts... "I can't do this anymore! I can't do life by myself anymore, I need people!" Life is just hard sometimes, ya know? I kept walking, and kept crying, waiting for the sun-drenched sand to work it's magic. Then because God is funny, the next song on my Pandora was "Big Girls Don't Cry." Which actually did make me laugh... and the tears did stop. I appreciate humor. Then I made it to the beach and saw the most beautiful low tide, and I was ok.  I am ok, and I will be ok. Why is it so hard to need people?  Maybe I need to read THIS article again...

Hello Old Friend

New York. What is it about you?!  I'm having the most glorious day off today. I worked my hind end off at work all weekend, so I didn't feel too guilty about sleeping for ten (or twelve) hours last night. Then I woke up, brewed myself some english breakfast tea in my Keurig (best Christmas gift ever) Added some fresh organic locally grown lemon to my authentic Top Pot (from Seattle) mug, and sat down to watch part of the SNL 40 special from last night while I finished waking up. And then I cried. Because there was a montage about the greatness of New York City set to the tune of Alicia Keys. And it floored me. Because I miss it so much. And I kind of don't understand. I mean, I get it because it really is the greatest city in the world. I just wonder when the pull will loose it's strength. When the compulsion to go will weaken. It's still as strong as it was the very first time I set foot in the city --a bright-eyed and oh so naive early twenty-something year old. Or rather, the first time I got home from the week I spent there. It was literally like part of my soul was missing. I clung with tears to every clip shown of the city on every minuscule commercial, the yearning was almost overwhelming. I had to go back. And go back I did. And I lived there. And I vacationed there. And I lived there. And it was HARD. And I hated it. And I've never loved anything more. And it was over for a while. Or so I thought. I thought I was done with this obsession. Not that I didn't love it, I just thought I had played it out, ya know? But it's not so. There is something that just calls to me. Still. It's deep  and it's real. Maybe it's time to go back? I don't know.  But I do know that I will never be done with New York. I can't imagine ever visiting and saying, "Ok. I've done this, I don't need to come back." I can't imagine ever bidding farewell and saying thanks for the good times, never to return. I. Just. Can't. Say. Goodbye. I don't want to. I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of amazing things. And for the most part I dislike going on vacation to somewhere I've already been. Each place I go, I like to do it so well that I'm done. I can cross it off my list. On to the next new adventure. Greece was that way. It was the trip of a lifetime, but now it's done. I've been there. I don't need to go back. New York is the singular exception to this rule. I. Will. Never. Be. Done. With. You. Any of it. I will never be done with the smell and the garbage and the rats and the dirty underbelly. I will never be done with the way the sunlight filters down through the skyscrapers of possibility, and the endless hope and possibility that glitters through the ambition and drive and pulse of the buildings and the powerhouses within them. I will never be done with the rush of the subway and the strength of the people passing by. I will never be done with balconies overlooking the Hudson at sunset and the horizon across the rooftop at dawn. I will never be done with the raw realism, the superfluous shredding of all things facade, and the hard as stone truth that lies beneath. I will never be done with you New York. And I don't know why. No thing worth having comes easy. No transformation for the better is not in-part painful. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't even try to shake the continual drive to go back. For a week at a time, or for a year at a time. Who knows. You crawled inside me so long ago and I can no longer tell which parts of me aren't you. So even as I leave these ramblings of my mind to go for my sunset jog on the warm sun-drenched beaches of LA, you are with me. I love my life here too, don't mistake my love for New York as a dislike of the beauty that is my west coast life too... A friend once told me, "For the love of God! Just pick a coast!" Haha! But... just... what is it about you?!

Time

Time is a funny thing. There is something in it's passing that takes away the negatives. At least for me. And I suppose this is a blessing. There are certain times in your life when you just reflect back and say, "You know what? That was really pretty cool. And I'm really proud that I was a part of that." And it's not that I don't see the good while I'm in the moment, because I do. I really do. I see the good. I feel the good. But there's this fierce part of me that is never satisfied with less than perfection. That chooses to focus on the flaws and the things that can be improved. This is both a blessing and a curse. I'm a generally positive person --or at least I was before working so closely to the general public... haha. Honestly though, it's not that I focus on the things that could go better to be negative, because I really do see the whole picture. I see the positive. But in the heat of the moment the deep rooted part of me that strives for perfection always and in all things points out all the things that need to be fixed. Things to make better. Things to improve upon for next time. Because as smoothly as things can appear to run there is always room for improvement. And I think that my brain picks these out in this continuous struggle to attain the unachievable perfection.

As time wheels away, round and around the memories go while the bumpy rocks and sharp divots get chipped off and smoothed over so what is left is a smooth round whole view of the situation as it was. And looking at the new smooth round memory reminds me to be more present. Accept things more as they come, in the moment. Perfection isn't a thing. As much as my stomach churns at the thought. It isn't. Perfection isn't real. The passing of the time doesn't make you forget the struggles and tears. But it does however put them in perspective. And what you're left with is a pretty damn good life.

I've done a lot in my 32 years. And I've been a part of some pretty damn amazing things. And I've complained about them. And I've struggled through them, and I've cried. A lot. Here's the thing though, perfection isn't real. The word "but" is grossly over-used. Things in life are rarely mutually exclusive. The last year was a rough one for me. It was such an interesting struggle. Because it was at once the most amazing slice of happiness -being closer to my family and being able to see my nephews grow up- and the worst year of my life. At the same time. Nothing has ever felt so fundamentally wrong on every level, and I fought it. because it also was amazing being so close to my family. And there were good things, there always are. So what now? What if being in the same state as your family is just absolutely not what you're supposed to do? What happens if the second you get in the car to drive away a two-ton weight is instantly lifted from your chest? I don't have answers. What I do have is a free and light feeling that whatever this is, it's right. And that's enough for now.

But time is a funny thing. Because when I saw this video that a former coworker made of the last year at Intermountain Medical Center what I saw was that we were pretty damn amazing. And we did and they do AMAZING things. And I'm so glad and so proud that I got to be a part of it. I don't see the collective hours I spent crying while having to put on my scrubs, and sitting in my car in the parking garage convincing myself to go inside. I don't feel the feelings of ...not fitting in. I don't remember the times I was astounded at the stupidity and narrow-mindedness. I remember that I worked for a world-class trauma center and that we saved lives. And that We. Were. Amazing. And I miss these people. We weren't perfect, but we were good.

The Greatest to Have Ever Done It

I sat in the break room of the tiny 22-bed emergency department in Berkeley, California; 2,906 miles down the road (at the other end of the freeway) from where my heart and soul were. Leftover lemon chicken and pineapple fried rice sat cooling in front of me as I stared at my phone with tears streaming down my face. It was over. Derek Jeter's final game in Yankee Stadium. Derek Jeter had played his last game as shortstop for the New York Yankees. And there were pictures and video clips of him taking the field for the final time, crouching in the position that's been his for the past twenty years. Of the double from his first at bat, the go-ahead run he was responsible for in the 8th, the walk-off single to end the game, and of Andy Pettitte, Jorge Posada, and Joe Torre being in the dugout to close it out. And I just cried. It could not have been more perfect. It was like it was scripted. God is most assuredly a Yankee fan.

I have been in love with Derek Jeter since the summer I turned fourteen years old. There are SO many memories. The flip, the dive, the Mr. November homerun, the championships, the speaches, the milestones. But it's more than that. It's more than the combined sum of the pieces of history I've witnessed in person and via the media. Sure it's pretty great that the first pitch of a Major League Baseball game I ever saw live was hit by Derek Jeter over the left field fence at McAfee Coliseum in Oakland, CA. It's great that the last game that I saw at the old Yankee Stadium was the last Yankee-RedSox game to be played there. It's great that I saw a game at the new stadium this year and pondered that he still looks the exact same as the first game I saw on TV as a 14 year-old girl. Seriously, look it up. The jump-throw, the stance, every single nuance. Even today. Did you see the photo of him jumping in the air after the walk-off single? Tell me that he looks different than the photo of him jumping in celebration at the end of the 1996 world series. He doesn't. The photos are interchangeable. But I've learned more from Derek Jeter than the way baseball should be played. It's more than his talent and the intangibles and the off-the-field professionalism. It's how to live a life.

The first couple years of college I read the book he wrote in 2001, The Life You Imagine: Life Lessons For Achieving Your Dreams. And it changed my life. Seriously. It's on the short list of three books that have changed my life. And I've read a LOT of books. From this book I got the quote that is still at the bottom of my email signature to this day: "Dreams become realities when you love what you do." From this book I learned, as Derek Jeter's father told him, there will most always be someone better than you, but there is NEVER an excuse for someone to work harder than you. I learned that the way you do everything you do is important. He talks about how he didn't care if he was a garbage man, a plumber, or a tv repair man he would want to be the best there was at that position. He spoke of the things he learned from watching a cable repairman at his house as a young boy. He had no aspirations to be such, but he learned the value of hard work and the desire to be the best at whatever he was doing. He talks about how that man made him a better baseball player, just by being the best at what he was. You can learn something from every person you come across in life. Don't be too good to learn something from someone in a different station of life than you. I expect a lot. Of people, of things, of situations. It causes a lot of angst at times, because expectations can ruin an experience if you're not in control of the outcome. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I think this is part of why I'm such a big Yankee fan to be honest. They don't only demand perfection, they expect it. They expect to win the world series every year, and as Derek Jeter has said repeatedly in this book and elsewhere, if we didn't win the world series, the season was a failure. Why would you want to be ok with second place? Why would you want to be ok with pretty good? Perfection. Don't ever let yourself settle for decent. Don't ever aim for having a wining season, or making it to the playoffs or even making it to the world series. If you're going to aim for something, set a goal to win the world series. If that's not your goal every single year, get out of the game. Sure you can have a good season and not win the world series, but having a good season and having a failed season are not mutually exclusive. Derek Jeter expects to get a hit every single time he's at the plate. Every time. In a game where you can fail to get a hit 70% of the time and still be among the elite, many wonder why you'd expect to get a hit every time you're at the plate. Well, if you don't expect to get a hit every time you're at the plate, you might as well stay in the dugout and tell them to skip your turn. You know it's not going to happen every time, but that doesn't mean that you expect yourself to fail. Do you see the difference? He talks about how he wants the ball hit to him every single play. He wants to be the one at bat with the game on the line every single time. If you don't want the ball hit to you every play, why are you on the field? If you don't want the chance to be the hero at the plate with the game on the line, why are you playing the game? The big moments are why you play the game. Don't shy away from, don't take them as they come, seek them out, hope for them, expect them to be yours.

*editing note* Just watched the post-game interview ... did you see it?!  In the entire career of Derek Jeter I have not seen him cry once. And I haven't missed a moment of Derek Jeter's career. He teared up several times during the game, and welled up during the post-game interview. He was talking about feeling sentimental for the first time in his career when they took the field in the first inning. And then his voice cracked as he told how he heard the fans chanting "Thank you Derek" and he thought "What are you thanking me for? I was just doing my job. It's the fans that have made this amazing." I love this man. And yes, I'm crying again.

Don't bother setting a goal if it's not to be the best, go the farthest, do the most. And if you fail once, set the goal again next go-round. Don't accept less than perfection because of previous failures. Pick yourself up, work your hardest all over again, and aim for perfection every time. Don't ever set a goal to be okay at something. To be mediocre. Don't set a goal to just make it through your shift. Set a goal to change someone's life. He talked about the pressure of being Derek Jeter and that he played every moment of every game so that no one could say he didn't try hard enough. He spoke of how he wanted people who came to the stadium to see him play be able to say --even if he didn't get a single hit that day-- "but did you see the way he ran the grounder to the seond-baseman out?" He didn't want to not give 100% at any single second.  I read this book so many times that chunks of pages are falling out. The corners are all dog-eared, and the highlight marks and margin notes are fading. I read the book for motivation repeatedly to get me through a very trying nursing program when I felt like I was drowning every day and didn't know if I had what it took to make it through --to keep me motivated not to just get through but to be the best. And most days making it through felt iffy. That didn't mean the goal was not perfection though. It was never my goal to just make it through. Making it through was TOUGH but I wanted to make it through and be the best. As I was on stage at graduation receiving the award for expert clinician (the only one of my entire graduating class) I literally though of this book, and the ways that it helped me reach this point. I read the book several more times as I was becoming a new nurse and then a new nurse in the emergency department --fulfilling my dream. I was the best CNA and LPN and RN I could be every day, and no one worked harder than I did every day. And when I need a bit of motivation still to this day, I remember the lessons I read repeatedly in the beginning of my career -the lessons I learned while I was achieving my dreams. Derek Jeter made me a better nurse. Which sounds crazy unless you get it. Seriously. Read the book people. If I don't expect to get each IV on each attempt -every time- I have no business being in that room. (see end of last paragraph)

And so I cry. I cry because Derek Jeter happened. And it was amazing. The whole career. I cry because it's ending. And I cry because there will never be another baseball player to match what Derek Jeter is and has been for the last twenty years. 

Because Frank always says it best and there could not be a song more fitted to Derek Jeter...

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way! (My Way lyrics -Frank Sinatra)

Farewell, Captain. You'll be missed.