A question I was asked today. I ran into a dear dear friend unexpectedly. She was with another friend. In making introductions she mentioned that I had gone to Bali with her. Vivian, the friend, then asked, "So, what's changed since you went to Bali?" You see, everyone has something that changes when you go to Bali. Everyone.
The question still made me think. I've been feeling more nostalgic over my time in Bali than usual lately. A friend/former co-worker recently went for the first time and I was able to follow her journey on instagram. Watching people experience Bali magic for the first time is ...magical. In addition, the friend I ran into today is preparing to go back to Bali, leading another retreat with a new group of people. Quite frankly, I'm feeling the pull. The pull to go back. I need it. The timing is not right just yet, but it's coming.
I was thinking just the other day that of the 14 of us that went, I can make a physical list of changes in each of our lives since being back. Just ones I can see on the outside. Two of us have gone back to school, at least three of us have new/different jobs. On Monday I start a new job, in preparation to leave behind a job I haven't been passionate about for a long time. A job that at times, I've downright hated. This is no small change for me, and a long story for another post. Here's the Reader's Digest version.
So there we are in Bali. All 14 of us flying down a mountain in the middle of the jungle on bicycles. We came to a semi-abrupt stop as we turned onto a brick-path through a somewhat residential area. As we slowed to a stop to make the sudden turn coming out of the heavily tree-d area I heard a voice, I felt it, just as clear as the one that told me that I was going to be a nurse when I was wondering which major to commit to in college. This time the voice said, "I'm done being a nurse." And just like that. I knew. This is no longer for me. The only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was a little kiddo, the thing I knew I was meant to do in college. The thing I knew I was meant to do for fourteen years. I was done. And I felt so ...FREE about that decision.
The thing about decisions and answers is that they frequently come with more questions. So what am I gonna do then? You have to keep paying rent, and ya know, eating stuff. I felt the decision, I sat with the thought. I tucked it away. I held it close to my heart. I honored it. I committed to making it happen, and to staying open to what the universe had in store. I was fully present and completely enjoyed every other moment of my time in Bali. And when I got home, I got to work. I decided that step one was finding a stable job --as a nurse.
Stick with me here, lol. When you're a travel nurse you have to find a new job every 13 weeks. Which is great for a lot of reasons that belong in that other post for another time I mentioned. Travel nursing pays reallyyyyy well. So it's hard to leave. But the upheaval of your life, the uncertainty, the basic fact that you're unemployed every three months is stressful. It takes a lot of energy to overcome that. So step one to becoming what I'm meant to be now is finding a stable job. One that pays well, that has benefits, and that provides stability for as long as I need. I knew it couldn't be in the ER. I needed something new.
I'll skip over all the little miracles of how the universe brought this into my life, but on Monday I'll be starting as a full time interventional radiology nurse at UCLA. Making the same amount of money I am now. Technically more if you factor in that I'll no longer have to pay for my own insurance, and will have retirement benefits, and paid time off. It will be a day shift position with no weekends or holidays (apart from occasional on-call time). It will afford me the stability and time I need to make my passion come to life. It has taken the stress out of my life so that I can turn my attention and energy into making my next dream my reality.
I can write. Daily. I can start the blog I created months ago, I can begin creating content for the associated instagram I created at the same time. I can find my voice. I can find the story I need to tell, I can find the story only I can tell. I feel excited about life in a way I haven't in a long time. Life is amazing and I can't wait to see where this next adventure takes me.
That is the big "visible" change in my life since Bali. That's the one I named specifically when Vivian asked this morning. It is a huge and fundamental change in my life. But it's not even close to what's changed most significantly. It's the easiest to see from the outside, the quick go-to answer. What I wish I'd told her is this:
What's changed? Everything. Me. I've changed. The way I see the world changed. The way I love changed. The way I interact with strangers changed. The depth of my gratitude has changed. The depth of my curiosity, the way I think. The way I connect with other humans changed. The way I make eye contact changed. The way I remain open and vulnerable, the way I keep my heart on my sleeve proudly has changed. The way I give and receive emotion. The way I connect with friends. The meaning of unconditional love has changed. The way I love my family. That's what's changed. Everything. Me. And also, I'm excited about my new job and new passion projects.
Bali, I still feel you deep within my soul. And that part of me is longing for you in a way I must pay attention to. I'm not sure when, but when the time is right I'll be back. Soon, my love.
