You Learn To Live A Life

We make decisions every day in our lives. For the most part they're innocuous and mundane, but what if they're not. What if going to the drive-through Starbucks instead of the sit-down alters the course of you life? I mean, it probably wouldn't but WHAT IF?!  Then there are those decisions that you can put a pin in a singular moment of you life and say, "THAT'S it, that's the moment that changed my life." The visible sharp turn in the path of your life. Everyone has their own idea of destiny, fate, and/or the lack thereof. I'm a firm believer that "what is meant for ye shall not pass ye by" (said in an Irish accent) as told to me by the sweetest little old lady who was once a patient of mine. And if something's meant to be, it'll be. Even if you take a round-about way to get there.

Sometimes it's interesting to wonder what if. And think that in some parallel universe there's a me that went to med school that time I considered it and is an emergency physician in some metropolitan trauma center.  Living in a high-rise condo. In another universe there's a me that got married in college and has babies. In another universe there's a me who stayed in Seattle instead of moving to New York. In another universe there's a me who stayed in New York instead of going back to Seattle. All of the me's in these universes I'm sure are just as happy as the me in this realm. And in all the ways that matter, I'm convinced we'll all end up in the same place. Ultimately, the fallout from every decision you make is yours. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Overall, it's a pretty glorious picture, no? I wouldn't trade a single second of heartache and pain I've been through if it meant having to give up the a single good thing that came from each decision. I've learned to live a life. It hasn't been pretty, it hasn't been easy, it hasn't looked like I thought it would, and I wouldn't change a single second of it. Some days growing up is pretty darn awesome. Most days adulthood is really all it's cracked up to be. And the days that it's not I still wouldn't trade at the expense of those days. If you ever get the change to see this play, GO. In the meantime, I'll leave these lyrics here.

I didn't go to Vassar,

But to Smith, or Yale, or Brown

I ended up in Boston,

Or some small Alaska town

To practice law, or neuter cats,

Or fish the Bering Sea

Those lives are lived somewhere

By some other me

Some other me

Is homeless

Some other me

Is queen

Some other me has seen things that no other me has seen

If I met her I would ask her that one question we both fear:

Some other me

How’d we end up here?

...

Look down each road left untaken

Trace ev’ry turn and twist

The lives that we just let go by

The dreams we might have missed

Now we’re old enough to know that

One road ends where one begins

The moment where the “what might bes”

Turn into “might have beens”

*update*

I bought a couch two days after the last post. Lolz. Buutttt it was only $450 on a black friday extended special, so I really couldn't pass it up... And all other goals still on track :)

On Goals & Air Mattresses

Today has been an interesting one. I've been having a hard time readjusting to working night shift. Or nightshift-ish since I work from 4pm-4:30am ...ya know what? Never mind, that's a night shift. I forgot how truly crappy you feel. I had become so used to feeling like a normal person that I honestly forgot what it was like. And the days that you work are fine, because you're in a routine. And when you work 12.5 hours a day plus a 30 minute commute each way that only leaves 9.5 hours for sleeping, eating, showering, and getting ready for each day. Plus social media, because priorities.

As I was saying, I forgot how crummy you feel on your days off when you want to do things during daylight hours and maybe even see some sunshine. Because if you were to keep your same schedule you kept for working days you wouldn't see the sun for more than 2 hours. And that's not enough time for human beings. Especially for human beings who have happily adjusted to life in LA where it's sunny 345 days of the year. So I try to switch back to a slightly more normal schedule without screwing myself over when it comes time to go back to work.

Today it was a big accomplishment that I was able to get myself out of bed, ready for the day and out the door to enjoy the sunshine by 1pm. I explored the Beverly Center and went for a walk up and around Melrose. Because I'm powerless to just walk by a Sephora without going in, and I'm powerless to go in without purchasing something, I came out with $250 worth of stuff I hadn't planned on getting; stuff that I now needed. Then because I have no food at my house, nor any desire to go to the store to purchase some, I got to-go food from Craig's. Because, treat yourself. It's my day off.

Then I came home and decided that I should look into getting actual furniture for my apartment. Yes, that's right I don't have any furniture. Besides a bed. Because, priorities. Seriously. I have an air mattress in my otherwise bare living room. So I started looking at Ikea online, found a couch, chaise, chair, and rug that I liked and that were reasonably priced. Then I took a quick check of the credit card balance I've been working on paying off. And almost got sick. Because I forgot about the car tune-up I had put on there. And the afore mentioned bed. A piece of advice for adulthood? Never settle for the cheap bed.

So I logged off the Ikea website and thought, "Ya know what, I don't need a couch." And I don't. Is that weird? I feel like adults should need couches. But why? I don't honestly miss having one. My air mattress works perfectly fine for sitting. I was going to get one because I felt like that's something an apartment owner (renter) should have. Because, reasons. For some people, it might be something they need, and that's ok too. For me, it simply isn't. Because I'd rather pay off my credit card than have a couch. I'd rather get my hair done at the nice salon than have a couch. I'd rather shop at Sephora and get takeout than have a couch (or grocery shop). For me, my house is a home without a couch. And maybe when I get a couple more things done from my goal list I'll get a couch from craigslist. Maybe.

I spent the rest of the evening talking online to a friend who lives in Toronto. Talking about people who motivate us and goals that we want to accomplish, places we want to see, things we want to do. And it was a nice reminder for me. I've been doing well with paying off my debt and on spending my money on experiences instead of things. I could do better. I've slacked a bit recently. So I vowed to myself to write my goals down. Bring back the vision board. Make my goals visible again. Write them on the bathroom mirror, tack them to the wall by the door so I see them every time I leave.

No one accomplishes anything of note without working their ass off. That's just the way it works. And if you work hard and go hard and push through the parts when it's easier to quit, greatness happens. Everyone has their different goals. Everyone is different. So decide what it is that you'd rather do. What are you willing to forego to get what you want. What do you want most? For me right now? Number one goal: paying off my debts. So that I can accomplish goal number two, the only one that ultimately matters: see the world. Goal one is a necessary means to accomplishing the end-goal of number two. I'll admit that sometimes Sephora and feeding giraffes and Disneyland get in the temporary way of goal number one. There's a fine line between keeping your sanity and going overboard. A girl can't live on free walks to see palm trees alone. Every once in a while treats are ok. I just need to be better at choosing ones that I want enough to make it worth my time. Re-buckle down, re-focus, re-group. Put your game face on, put your head down, and charge ahead full steam with your goals. What are you waiting for. (If you say January 1st our friendship is in jeopardy. My loathing for and refusal to believe in New Year's resolutions is another post entirely.)