And...

The grass is always greener where you water it. Wherever you spend your time and energy, that is what will flourish. So spend it positively on the now because that's all we really have. --Riawna Capri




When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. --Alexander Graham Bell




Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily to grant your wishes. --Chauntal Lewis

And then there's this...

"Today I am grateful because I choose to be. My glass is half full. There will never be enough money. There will never be enough time. But today I can have enough gratitude." --Scott Silver

Transitional Blues

What is burnout and what is normal? I mean, not everyone loves their job all the time do they? I've been having a really hard time since I've been back. I love being closer to my family, and I have the job I've dreamed about for nine years. So what's the problem?  People just don't seem to understand. They ask how things are going, and usually I just smile and say that everything is fine or great, because really, that's what they want to hear -they don't comprehend anything else. A couple times I've answered more honestly and said, "The transition has been harder than I expected, but it's really great being closer to family." This is immediately met by the same response. A confused look and a complete lack of understanding. I mean, what could possibly be difficult about leaving an entire life? Friends that were family. A job where you knew every in and out of how the place ran. I was the go-to person for anyone that had questions. I was confident. What could possibly be hard about leaving all that love, familiarity, comfort, and solitude?  To come to a place where nothing makes sense. To a place where the general population doesn't know what do to with a single confident woman in her 30s --surely something is defective to not be married with several children. To a place where my most basic work skill -something I excelled at for the last nine years of my life- is nulled by different equipment. Where I don't know where anything is, no one knows who I am, and I can't be trusted until I've proven myself over again. I have one friend from college, who has been a great help on the days when neither of us works. I have a dear friend from high school who lives in the area, and I have my favorite brother and sister-in-law that are 20 minutes away with the love of my life --my nephew. And I have my parents, sister and brother-in-law and my other favorite nephew in the same time zone. It's just not the same. Maybe my expectations were too high about the move?

It's all just part of being new, and I know I have to be patient with myself, and soon enough I won't be new anymore. I just find myself wondering why this transition has been so hard. After all, for several years I moved cross-country and had a whole new environment every 13 weeks. Is it that I'm older now?

And how do you make your house feel like a home? At what point when I walk through the door will it feel like coming home?  I don't remember this being an issue before. Is that just selective memory? I escaped all weekend to my parent's house because I needed to be somewhere that felt like home. And that somewhere was a place that I haven't lived for ten years.

Am I just tired of doing what I do? We all go through burnout phases every once in a while. But I feel like while I'm still on orientation I should not so vehemently dread getting dressed in my scrubs and getting ready to go to work. I miss the days when I looked forward to going in to work, to saving lives, and making a difference. I'd walk out of work on cloud nine, grinning from ear to ear. Is it just a fleeting case of burnout, or is it something more? What else would I do with my life? Could I do something non-clinical related? Is it just the desert heat messing with my hormones? When did I become so non-adaptable?!

Disclaimer: One of my worst pet-peeves is complainers --debbie downers. People who can't look on the positive side and tough it out... can you see why I'm having a hard time with myself? Bleh! No one wants to be around this!!  It's all very first-world problem, and yet it's authentic, so ignoring it won't make it go away...