Ah-he-he-hem!

Dear Post Office,

We are still not friends. I plan on doing nothing to rectify the situation since I am not the one in the wrong. You come to me when you're ready. You know where I live.

Dear self,

When in doubt remember, you are beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful and brilliant and a rock star who has enormous capacity and potential and promise. And you do amazing things.

Dear people,

Yes, Every single individual one of you. To quote Marilyn Monroe, "I'm selfish impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." That is all.

Dear world,

You're wrong. Feelings aren't good/bad/indifferent. They just are. And it's ok to sit with them and explore them and feel them. ALL. Crying is allowed, just like laughing. And even several times a day if you need it. It's ok to express unpleasant ...even sad feelings ...even in relatively public venues such as blogs. So there.

Dear Charlotte Kasl,

Your book changed my life.

Dear bff's,

You are amazing and I love you more than life itself.

Dear New York,

I miss you terribly and will come to visit soon.

Dear Facebook,

Is it really necessary to change your format every other week? I mean it's not hard to figure out the new ones, but honestly one hasn't been better than another and quite frankly all the changing is quite irritating.

Dear Rockstar, NoSexInTheCity, and Brunette Bombshell,

Thank you for existing in the blogging world.

Dear blue sky,

I have been longing for you. Please make yourself at home and stick around for a while.

Dear dentist,

Yes, we are still friends event though you drilled through my non-numb tooth. I understand that there was nothing else that could have been done. However, this business of asking me to take an antibiotic every six hours is really pushing the limits. I sleep for more hours than six at a time, and I value my sleep more than most people understand. This business of having to set my alarm to go off one or two times in the middle of my night is not my idea of a good time, and soon I'm afraid all those I come in contact with will resent you as well. Although Starbucks may be sending you a thank-you card.

Dear bed,

Last night said it all lover.

Dear Nellie,

I appreciate you remaining in constant working condition for six whole consecutive weeks. I'm going to need you to hold on for just a bit more.

Dear blog,

This concludes my 100th post!!!!!

Sincerely to all,

Toni

Haven't done one of these for a while...

Getting to know me in 2010

1. What is your Occupation right now?
-hard core trauma junkie and life saving er nurse extraordinaire

2. What color are your socks right now?
-I'm not sure how this helps you know me better in this specific year, but I prefer to be sock-less. My toenail polish is LaPaz-itively Hot by OPI

3. What are you listening to right now?
-Birds chirping outside my window. Cheesy but true. I love it :)

4. What was the last thing you ate?
-Hash browns, 3 eggs over-medium, sausage patty, and sourdough toast --went out for breakfast after work

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
-Well enough to get by, but I don't like to

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
-Mercy who's in Liberia ...miss you girl :)

7. How old are you today?
-27

8. What is your favorite sport to watch on tv?
-What season is it? I'm kind of a sports whore. Love me some Yankee baseball, college basketball (go Aggies), and football. Ooh, and UFC (yay BJ Penn)

9. What is your favorite drink?
-Anything girly and fruity --preferably served in a tropical location, but I'm not picky :)

10. Have you ever dyed your hair?
-Lol, like today?

11. Favorite food?
-Potatoes --any way you cook 'em

12. What is the last movie you watched?
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2 -Dead Man's Chest

13. Favorite day of the year?
-4th of July

14. How do you vent anger?
-Cry. Big crier. Then I therapy write.

15. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-My rocking chair

16. Favorite season?
-Summer. No contest.

17. Cherries or blueberries?
-plain: blueberries -mixed/as a flavor: cherries

18. Living arrangements?
-Cozy and charming one-bedroom lakeside apartment

19. When was the last time you cried?
-I actually am having a hard time remembering. Weird. Really weird. I think it was Wednesday night --so 5 days ago --this may be a new record. Take note people!

20. What is on the floor of your closet?
-In the far right corner I have a three drawer organizer, moving to the left I have my shoes, followed my my suitcase, followed by half a closet full of well organized scrapbooking materials (not being facetious here --uber organized!)

21. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
-Melissa. We were bff's in kindergarten, and went all the way through school together --cna and nsg school included

22. What did you do last night?
-Saved lives.

23. What are you most afraid of?
-Being alone forever. No judgements here, I'm being honest.

24. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
-Cheese, home-grilled outside in the summer

25. Favorite dog breed?
-Shitzu

26. Favorite day of the week?
-Any day I have off

27. How many states have you lived in?
-4

28. Diamonds or pearls?
-Diamonds

29. Favorite flower?
-Lilly

30. Favorite song of all time?
-Wonderful World --Louis Armstrong

31. Favorite book?
-The Scarlett Letter

32. Favorite color?
-Green. Or blue. Depending on the day.

33. Favorite TV show?
-Grey's Anatomy

34. Name one thing on your bucket list?
-Go to Boston for St. Patrick's Day

35. Goal for 2010?
-One of them? Be more selfish. (not a typo)

36. Favorite store to shop?
--For...????? Clothes, I'm assuming? White House-Black Market. I also love Target and any book store.

Heaven is...

Having someone tuck you into bed and kiss you goodnight.
Wrapping their arms around you so tight.
Wishing you sweet dreams, and you know everything is really alright.

Who comes up with this stuff?!

Happy Blue Monday everyone! So, I'm on my way home from work this morning and I hear on the radio that today is Blue Monday. Apparently, today is the most depressing day of the year. I'm not sure who comes up with this stuff, or how they go about it. I mean really. Maybe it's just all my time spent in Logan UT where February is truly the longest month of the year, but who decides that the last Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year? Is it the looking forward to February that gets everyone so down? I mean, February is really just a stupid month. It's cold, it's dreary, and I maintain that it's a giant conspiracy that it is only 28 days. There are at least 45. I promise. Is is realizing that there are still 6 months until the best month of the year? (that'd be July --baseball, sunshine, heat, the 4th and my birthday --what's not to love)

But rest assured everyone, according to the experts who make up stuff that gets said on morning radio, you will not be more depressed all year long than you are today. I myself am having a pretty darn great day and feeling rather good. So if it's all looking up from here, I'm in serious business! I don't have to work today, I get to sleep lots, and I get to go play with friends tonight in my new clothes. Which reminds me, my hips and my bank account are both glad that I have a couple days off. Neither one can take the cortisol level hike/emotional eating/retail therapy hit that they took during a ROUGH and LONG 4-day weekend at work. No need to go into details, but it's good to know that things are looking up from today. So thank you morning radio and makers-up-of-random-facts. Cheers!

Yep, still hurts.

I'm broken. Forever. There is probably no fixing me. Last ditch effort? Therapy. Giving it serious consideration. We have a pretty good deal through my insurance.

I had my palm read by a crazy patient's crazy husband a while ago at work. Yeah. It happens. We see it all in the ER. So he told me, amongst many other incredibly accurate things that I think like a man. At the time I thought this was his one mistake. The one part about me that he missed. Anyone that knows me knows what a complete emotional wreck I am. I am 100% girl and hormones and emotional drama. As much as it pains me to say it, it's true. I have several versions of myself that I project depending on the situation. The work me is absolutely not that way. The work me is an assertive, charming, intelligent, confident, witty, hard nosed bitch. The me that the majority of my family and friends/acquaintances know is a watered down version of the same. But the few people who know me best, the ones I repeatedly call/email in shambles and tears at varying times of the day/night know the true extent of my emotional nature.

So I scoffed when he told me this. But really, after processing it, he's 100% right. That is the source of most of my emotional drama. I absolutely do think like a man. My brain is 100% fact-driven logical and methodical. I am a problem solver. I want it given to me straight. Get right to the point, I don't need all the nonsense fluff. The problem is that my heart is 100% female and my heart wins every battle between it and my brain. So the logical part of me knows all the answers and solutions but my heart doesn't care and thus we have CONFLICT!! Conflict = emotional mess and drama. I may think like a man but unfortunately I'm ruled by my heart not my brain. Hmm. Remember my hippo dream? Heart vs brain ...mom vs hippo. What is someone trying to tell me? How do I make that happen? Hmm. Therapy. Thinkin' about it.

Interesting...

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that me, my brother, my mom, and an aunt and uncle had stopped at a riverbank for some reason after eating lunch. Cody and my aunt and uncle stayed in their separate cars, but my mom got out and I followed a little bit behind her. She walked toward the small calm/quiet stream and all of a sudden 2 king cobras came towering out of the water smiling and dancing in unison --disney style. Then to the left of them a hippopotamus stuck it's giant head out of the water. I watched in horror as my mom walked up to the hippo and rubbed it's nose. I screamed after her to stop, and screamed at my brother to help me, but he didn't hear me. The hippo flipped my mom in the air then back and forth into the ground. With one more giant flip, the hippo caught my mom in it's mouth and ate her while I looked on screaming. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed and my Great-Aunt Betty (who is quite alive and well in reality) was an angel and brought me two white tickets in a white envelope and said "gone," and then left. This was how I knew that my mom did not survive. I woke up hyperventilating and screaming "NO!!!!" I was almost scared to move.

My first thought was honestly what my neighbors must think. The things they must hear randomly, the people coming and going, the weird hours I keep, and now me screaming no repeatedly in the middle of the evening. Ah well. At least I'm entertaining :) My next thought was that it may be time to try a night without benadryl. I mean, I've had some crazy dreams (most of which I have kept in my nighttime notebook) but this one was particularly strange. So, as I often do, I looked it up in a dream dictionary when I got home from work this morning. Doing this is always entertaining --especially when it's something from my nighttime notebook and I can relate it to my thought before falling asleep. This one is quite pertinent to my life now as well. Interesting. I'm not going to go into great detail, but the key players are defined below. Try to get past the 'my mom died' in my dream --which is really just morbid. Make of it what you will. I love dream dictionaries!!!!

River: indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It's time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. A river can also symbolize joyful pleasures, peace and prosperity.

Snake: represent healing, transformation, knowledge, and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Mom: represents the nurturing aspect of your own character.

Hippo: symbolizes your aggressive nature and hidden strengths.

White: purity, perfection, peace, awareness, and new beginnings

Ticket: signifies the start of a new endeavor

Dear loyal followers...

Still alive and well. Still going crazy and trying to figure life out every day. Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. It's been more of a journal therapy writing time ...my journal has got earful after earful every day over the last month. And trust me, you don't want to hear any of that.

So Happy New Year!! Every new year I think of my college roommates and our resolve that this was going to be our year -dammit! ;) Lol. So this turning over of the calender was fairly uneventful. I was going to go to Vancouver BC with a couple friends. One had to bail for monetary reasons, and I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel to the other two's romantic new years weekend. So I bailed too. I was going to go to a party in Seattle with a couple other friends, until I got home from work in the morning and started projectile vomiting every 10 minutes on the dot. Not so fun. Although, for the record, I haven't thrown up yet this year :) I've made it 2 1/2 whole hours! Woohoo!

It's really kind of funny. I'm not sure how I fell into this responsibility, but everyone at work that is older and married has been grilling me relentlessly about what my fun and exciting single girl nye plans were "so they can live vicariously through me." Apparently my life is quite exciting ;) And it is for the most part, but I'm afraid this new year is starting out quite disappointing. I would rather be married and in bed by ten like all my married friends said they would be. So, my exciting New Year's Eve was brought in with me by myself in my apt in my jammies surrounded by jello, ginger-ale, water, bananas, and applesauce. I watched the new years being rung in in NY and missed NY. And I watched the Seattle celebration on tv. And I swear, if I have to watch anyone else kissing loved ones on tv I'm going to start vomiting again --out of pure jealousy. I made it a whole three minutes into 2010 before I was crying over him and wondering why I cared and why it hurt so much knowing that he was most likely making out with some new stranger. If only it was realistic to make a resolution to cry less :) Haha!

My latest resolutions (just happening to fall around the new year) are to be a better, more honest communicator, and to be more selfish. That is all. Happy New Year everyone!!