On Dreams

(Today's thoughts brought to you by a timely text from my sister followed by the above. You're welcome.)

The thing about dreams is, when it takes you more than ten years to reach one, you can't expect it to look and feel like you thought it would when you began the journey. You're a different person. You change. Things change. Life happens. Growth.

And that doesn't mean that the dream was flawed or that you screwed up the process. It just means that reaching for the stars and accomplishing things changed you. It's supposed to. I saw these beautiful words on the delightful and beautifully honest Meg's blog today:

When you can’t bear something but it goes on anyway, the person who survives isn’t you anymore; you’ve changed and become someone else, a new person, the one who did bear it after all. | Austin Grossman

I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her. | Kaci Diane

I do not understand the mystery of grace–only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. | Ann Lamott

Think of all the challenges you've faced in your life. The big ones. The ones that leave a hole in the center of your being that you're quite sure can never be filled. You got through it. And in retrospect, that first thing that felt as if it was shaking your world upside down was nothing compared to each subsequent one.  You've changed and become someone else, a new person, the one who did bear it after all. And maybe some of the struggles were personal. Maybe some of the struggles were more of a process --surviving nursing school when you constantly feel like you're drowning for at least the first 18 months. Maybe some of the struggles were watching dear ones go through their struggles. Everyone has their list. Their process, blueprint for making them who they are.

Whatever it is that got you here, embrace it. And embrace the here. If you can't do that, at least accept it. Breathe it in and just sit with it for a little bit. Accept it for what it is now as seen by the beautiful person you've become. Believe that the person you are is beautiful. It's most likely true. Give yourself time. Without a time frame for final acceptance or rejection. Give yourself credit. You're pretty great after all --and you can do hard things!!

Also --don't underestimate the power of a good nap and a good laugh. (Those Irish and their proverbs --smart!)

(Now back to the Vampire Diaries...)

Someday

I want a corner. I want a small nook just big enough for an over-plush arm chair and ottoman with a thin cozy blanket draped on it. It will face a large window with white trim. It will sit on a dark hardwood floor in the corner made by the window and the adjacent wall -made entirely of in-laid book shelves. Full of books and littered with pictures of the ones I love. It won't be a large corner, not even big enough to lay down in. Maybe just 5ft by 5ft. Just big enough for me to snuggle into my plush chair with my tea on a stand next to me as I read a book and stare out the window into the cloudy drizzling sky and lush dense green around me. Get lost in another world. Or simply stare out my window in my corner and imagine all that the world holds.

Dream a Little Dream

I am totally burned out on life right now. I quite honestly hate my job. I never want to go in, and when I leave I am so angry that it takes me an abnormal amount of time to go to sleep. The thing is I don't know what else I would honestly do. And, oh, I got into the University of Washington to further my degree in the job that I hate... I suppose I should clarify. I love being a registered nurse. I love taking care of super sick patients and massive traumas. Or just polite "normal" people. Even if you're there for an hangnail you've had for three months, if you're just nice, that's all I really care about. The thing is, I don't get to take care of massive traumas all that often at work. The really sick patients are few and far between, and the nice ones are literally non-existent. And I loathe management. I hate that the few of us who know what we're doing and are actually capable of doing our jobs end up getting shat on day in and day out because no one else is competent. I detest the fact that there have been around 30 patients in the waiting room every night at work, and nothing is being done about it. I hate that I am asked if I can stay late every single night (Literally. I've kept track. Every single shift for the last four months.) because of one "surprise" or another. If we're not getting our tails kicked it's because we're short staffed. And if we're not short staffed it's because the charge nurse was caught off guard by the number of beds we "all of a sudden" have to have closed. Even though we close the exact same beds at the exact same time every day of the week for the last year.

Phew. Now that I have that off my chest (sorry for complaining), on to the point...

So I've pondered a lot lately about what else I'd rather be doing. And I have a secret. You know what I dream of doing? I would absolutely love to be a high school history teacher. I had a US history teacher my junior year of high school that was so wonderful that I think each of her students wanted to be just like her at one point. I've always LOVED US history. I have an associates degree in nursing and a bachelors degree in exercise science and I dream of being a high school history teacher. Go figure :) Do I feel 'right' about it? No, or that's what I'd be doing ...but it's nice to dream. Also, I'm sure that if I were a history teacher I'd be beyond irritated at the stupid parents, and I wouldn't get paid enough, and I'm sure I'd hate a child or two. So I'm starting school in June to finish my bachelors degree in nursing. And I came to the realization the other day, that if I don't go on and get a masters degree, I will be the only one of my siblings not to get a graduate degree. And I can't be outdone! Lol, but seriously... With a masters degree in nursing, I would not get pain a single cent more than I do right now at work. With my associates degree. So it would be pure professional pride and good ol' fashioned sibling rivalry that I'd do it for. Well, that and for a back up plan for when I'm 60 and don't want to run all over the ER anymore. So back to school I go. And I'm excited. But I must admit that I'm more excited for my two electives I get to take than I am for any of the nursing stuff. Which electives am I taking? US history through the civil war and US history from the civil war to present day.

So for now i'm content to dream. I dream every day. I dream of running away. I dream of tropical islands and cities yet to be explored. I dream of foreign countries and continents and vacations yet to come. I dream of airplanes and sunshine. I dream of city streets and skyscrapers and parks. I dream of having a quiet house in the country suburbs somewhere with a picket fence, planter boxes, and shutters. I dream of having someone to come home to and snuggly up to in bed at night. I dream of babies to love and raise. I dream of having a puppy to play with and flowers to garden. I dream of laughter filled walks at dusk in khaki capris, a pastel button up shirt, and a white cardigan. I dream because as Walt Disney said, "If you can dream it, you can do it. ...All our dreams come true if we have the courage to pursue them." What do you secretly dream of?

Interesting...

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that me, my brother, my mom, and an aunt and uncle had stopped at a riverbank for some reason after eating lunch. Cody and my aunt and uncle stayed in their separate cars, but my mom got out and I followed a little bit behind her. She walked toward the small calm/quiet stream and all of a sudden 2 king cobras came towering out of the water smiling and dancing in unison --disney style. Then to the left of them a hippopotamus stuck it's giant head out of the water. I watched in horror as my mom walked up to the hippo and rubbed it's nose. I screamed after her to stop, and screamed at my brother to help me, but he didn't hear me. The hippo flipped my mom in the air then back and forth into the ground. With one more giant flip, the hippo caught my mom in it's mouth and ate her while I looked on screaming. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed and my Great-Aunt Betty (who is quite alive and well in reality) was an angel and brought me two white tickets in a white envelope and said "gone," and then left. This was how I knew that my mom did not survive. I woke up hyperventilating and screaming "NO!!!!" I was almost scared to move.

My first thought was honestly what my neighbors must think. The things they must hear randomly, the people coming and going, the weird hours I keep, and now me screaming no repeatedly in the middle of the evening. Ah well. At least I'm entertaining :) My next thought was that it may be time to try a night without benadryl. I mean, I've had some crazy dreams (most of which I have kept in my nighttime notebook) but this one was particularly strange. So, as I often do, I looked it up in a dream dictionary when I got home from work this morning. Doing this is always entertaining --especially when it's something from my nighttime notebook and I can relate it to my thought before falling asleep. This one is quite pertinent to my life now as well. Interesting. I'm not going to go into great detail, but the key players are defined below. Try to get past the 'my mom died' in my dream --which is really just morbid. Make of it what you will. I love dream dictionaries!!!!

River: indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It's time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. A river can also symbolize joyful pleasures, peace and prosperity.

Snake: represent healing, transformation, knowledge, and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Mom: represents the nurturing aspect of your own character.

Hippo: symbolizes your aggressive nature and hidden strengths.

White: purity, perfection, peace, awareness, and new beginnings

Ticket: signifies the start of a new endeavor