Heaven is...

Having someone tuck you into bed and kiss you goodnight.
Wrapping their arms around you so tight.
Wishing you sweet dreams, and you know everything is really alright.

Who comes up with this stuff?!

Happy Blue Monday everyone! So, I'm on my way home from work this morning and I hear on the radio that today is Blue Monday. Apparently, today is the most depressing day of the year. I'm not sure who comes up with this stuff, or how they go about it. I mean really. Maybe it's just all my time spent in Logan UT where February is truly the longest month of the year, but who decides that the last Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year? Is it the looking forward to February that gets everyone so down? I mean, February is really just a stupid month. It's cold, it's dreary, and I maintain that it's a giant conspiracy that it is only 28 days. There are at least 45. I promise. Is is realizing that there are still 6 months until the best month of the year? (that'd be July --baseball, sunshine, heat, the 4th and my birthday --what's not to love)

But rest assured everyone, according to the experts who make up stuff that gets said on morning radio, you will not be more depressed all year long than you are today. I myself am having a pretty darn great day and feeling rather good. So if it's all looking up from here, I'm in serious business! I don't have to work today, I get to sleep lots, and I get to go play with friends tonight in my new clothes. Which reminds me, my hips and my bank account are both glad that I have a couple days off. Neither one can take the cortisol level hike/emotional eating/retail therapy hit that they took during a ROUGH and LONG 4-day weekend at work. No need to go into details, but it's good to know that things are looking up from today. So thank you morning radio and makers-up-of-random-facts. Cheers!

Yep, still hurts.

I'm broken. Forever. There is probably no fixing me. Last ditch effort? Therapy. Giving it serious consideration. We have a pretty good deal through my insurance.

I had my palm read by a crazy patient's crazy husband a while ago at work. Yeah. It happens. We see it all in the ER. So he told me, amongst many other incredibly accurate things that I think like a man. At the time I thought this was his one mistake. The one part about me that he missed. Anyone that knows me knows what a complete emotional wreck I am. I am 100% girl and hormones and emotional drama. As much as it pains me to say it, it's true. I have several versions of myself that I project depending on the situation. The work me is absolutely not that way. The work me is an assertive, charming, intelligent, confident, witty, hard nosed bitch. The me that the majority of my family and friends/acquaintances know is a watered down version of the same. But the few people who know me best, the ones I repeatedly call/email in shambles and tears at varying times of the day/night know the true extent of my emotional nature.

So I scoffed when he told me this. But really, after processing it, he's 100% right. That is the source of most of my emotional drama. I absolutely do think like a man. My brain is 100% fact-driven logical and methodical. I am a problem solver. I want it given to me straight. Get right to the point, I don't need all the nonsense fluff. The problem is that my heart is 100% female and my heart wins every battle between it and my brain. So the logical part of me knows all the answers and solutions but my heart doesn't care and thus we have CONFLICT!! Conflict = emotional mess and drama. I may think like a man but unfortunately I'm ruled by my heart not my brain. Hmm. Remember my hippo dream? Heart vs brain ...mom vs hippo. What is someone trying to tell me? How do I make that happen? Hmm. Therapy. Thinkin' about it.

Interesting...

So I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that me, my brother, my mom, and an aunt and uncle had stopped at a riverbank for some reason after eating lunch. Cody and my aunt and uncle stayed in their separate cars, but my mom got out and I followed a little bit behind her. She walked toward the small calm/quiet stream and all of a sudden 2 king cobras came towering out of the water smiling and dancing in unison --disney style. Then to the left of them a hippopotamus stuck it's giant head out of the water. I watched in horror as my mom walked up to the hippo and rubbed it's nose. I screamed after her to stop, and screamed at my brother to help me, but he didn't hear me. The hippo flipped my mom in the air then back and forth into the ground. With one more giant flip, the hippo caught my mom in it's mouth and ate her while I looked on screaming. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed and my Great-Aunt Betty (who is quite alive and well in reality) was an angel and brought me two white tickets in a white envelope and said "gone," and then left. This was how I knew that my mom did not survive. I woke up hyperventilating and screaming "NO!!!!" I was almost scared to move.

My first thought was honestly what my neighbors must think. The things they must hear randomly, the people coming and going, the weird hours I keep, and now me screaming no repeatedly in the middle of the evening. Ah well. At least I'm entertaining :) My next thought was that it may be time to try a night without benadryl. I mean, I've had some crazy dreams (most of which I have kept in my nighttime notebook) but this one was particularly strange. So, as I often do, I looked it up in a dream dictionary when I got home from work this morning. Doing this is always entertaining --especially when it's something from my nighttime notebook and I can relate it to my thought before falling asleep. This one is quite pertinent to my life now as well. Interesting. I'm not going to go into great detail, but the key players are defined below. Try to get past the 'my mom died' in my dream --which is really just morbid. Make of it what you will. I love dream dictionaries!!!!

River: indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It's time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. A river can also symbolize joyful pleasures, peace and prosperity.

Snake: represent healing, transformation, knowledge, and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Mom: represents the nurturing aspect of your own character.

Hippo: symbolizes your aggressive nature and hidden strengths.

White: purity, perfection, peace, awareness, and new beginnings

Ticket: signifies the start of a new endeavor

Dear loyal followers...

Still alive and well. Still going crazy and trying to figure life out every day. Haven't been in much of a blogging mood lately. It's been more of a journal therapy writing time ...my journal has got earful after earful every day over the last month. And trust me, you don't want to hear any of that.

So Happy New Year!! Every new year I think of my college roommates and our resolve that this was going to be our year -dammit! ;) Lol. So this turning over of the calender was fairly uneventful. I was going to go to Vancouver BC with a couple friends. One had to bail for monetary reasons, and I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel to the other two's romantic new years weekend. So I bailed too. I was going to go to a party in Seattle with a couple other friends, until I got home from work in the morning and started projectile vomiting every 10 minutes on the dot. Not so fun. Although, for the record, I haven't thrown up yet this year :) I've made it 2 1/2 whole hours! Woohoo!

It's really kind of funny. I'm not sure how I fell into this responsibility, but everyone at work that is older and married has been grilling me relentlessly about what my fun and exciting single girl nye plans were "so they can live vicariously through me." Apparently my life is quite exciting ;) And it is for the most part, but I'm afraid this new year is starting out quite disappointing. I would rather be married and in bed by ten like all my married friends said they would be. So, my exciting New Year's Eve was brought in with me by myself in my apt in my jammies surrounded by jello, ginger-ale, water, bananas, and applesauce. I watched the new years being rung in in NY and missed NY. And I watched the Seattle celebration on tv. And I swear, if I have to watch anyone else kissing loved ones on tv I'm going to start vomiting again --out of pure jealousy. I made it a whole three minutes into 2010 before I was crying over him and wondering why I cared and why it hurt so much knowing that he was most likely making out with some new stranger. If only it was realistic to make a resolution to cry less :) Haha!

My latest resolutions (just happening to fall around the new year) are to be a better, more honest communicator, and to be more selfish. That is all. Happy New Year everyone!!

NOT another Thanksgiving post!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This post may seem as if I am abandoning all my nonconformist beliefs, but rest assured, I am NOT!!! I have just been particularly grateful for a couple things lately --in no relation to the Holiday, I would have been as equally grateful for them if it was March, and would still be blogging about it. So the fact that today is Thanksgiving is purely coincidence. Now that we've got that all cleared up...

I have the greatest sister in the world. I've been reminiscing in particular about a cross country trip the two of us made. There are songs that will always remind me of her and that trip, and so many memories that I will forever hold near and dear to my heart ...most of which make me laugh so hard --still --that it brings tears to my eyes! I rely on my sister a lot. She is someone that I know I can call at any time of day or night for any reason and she will be there for me. I love her so much!!

I also have the worlds greatest brother! Pretty lucky of me huh?! He is the sweetest most caring and genuine person on the planet. He worries about me and checks in on me regularly :) To make sure I'm well and happy and even to make sure that I'm saving enough for my retirement in the future with all the vacations I've been going on. He just worries about me because he loves me, and I am so grateful to have such an amazing protector! One of my favorite memories of my brother is when he showed up at my college apartment one day on his way to class with a giant box of goldfish crackers. He knew they were my favorite, and said that he just wanted to give them to me and say hi. See why I love this kid so freakin' much?! I have no idea how I lucked out in the family department, but I sure did! I love them more than anything in this world!

I also have been blessed with the greatest friends in the world. Friends who love me and stand by me no matter what messes I consistently and repeatedly get myself into. Friends that I can call or email and vent all my stress and tears and fears as well as all my hopes and dreams. Friends that I know will be there for me no matter what. Friends that have my back and are behind me in every way, no matter what it may cost them. I am possibly the most blessed person on the planet!

I have a lot to live up to, as you can see from this post! I hope to one day be as great a sister and friend as the amazing people I am surrounded by. This is clearly not an all inclusive list of things I am grateful for, but just a couple things that have been running through my mind lately. (I think I've said that the last two or three posts ...weird. Random ...anyways...)

Well, much love to you all. I can never adequately express how I feel about you and how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing people.

It's the Little Things

It's funny how the little things in life can dramatically change your daily actions and attitudes. I've been thinking about two things in particular a lot lately. One day last fall I was walking to work in the busy upper west side of Manhattan. I had just gotten off the 1 train at 110th St. and was rounding the corner to get to Amsterdam St. It was a bit chilly and I was in a hurry a) to get out of the cold and b) if I hurried I would have time to stop at Starbucks before going in to work. In my hurry I walked past a man leaning against the front porch railing of an apartment complex. As is standard when walking past NYC's 8 million people every day, I didn't particularly notice. My gaze stayed straight focused on where I was going. As I passed I heard him say, "Put your head up darlin', that's too pretty a face to be looking at the ground. It's not going anywhere." Now those of you familiar with New York City will understand why this hit me by surprise. People don't talk to people in the sidewalks of New York. You don't notice other people there. Everyone is focused on getting where they have to go and on what they have to do when they get there. Even if you do notice them, you don't start random conversations with people. It's just the way things are there. If you try, you'd be likely to be told to mind your own business. I kept walking without breaking pace, but my mind did a double take. I think I may have even tossed a bewildered glance back and said thank you.

Since then I have taken an obsessive notice about how many people walk with their head angled toward the ground. For a long time I made a concerted effort to walk with my head up looking straight ahead. It was a little strange at first, but now I don't think about it at all, I just do it. But 99% of the people that you see walking down the streets or in the stores or in the park ...yada yada ...look at the ground. And it bothers me. Start paying attention, I think you'll be surprised. Watch yourself. Try it for a whole day. Keep your chin parallel to the ground and keep your gaze straight ahead. Don't even gaze downward. You'll be surprised at how different the world looks. And you'll notice how NO ONE else does it. It also changes your attitude. It makes you more confident and more positive. Just something I've been thinking about lately. Just a simple random comment from a man on the street that changed my posture and outlook on life. Permanently.

Also, apologies. I'm a very forgiving person. Many may say that I am in fact too forgiving. I may just be, but that's not the point. I recently received a very unexpected apology from one of my best friends. I'm not going to go in to the whole dramatic situation behind the apology because ...well ...I don't feel a need to test the word limit per post on this blog :) Suffice it to say that more of my tears have been shed over this situation than any other in my life. Possibly combined. And those of you who know me know that I cry a LOT. You also know that I am a great sleeper. I can sleep anywhere any time and in any situation. I lost sleep for weeks at a time. Honestly, I still am dealing with some pieces of the fallout. But I have been determined to remain friends with this person. Like I said some may say I'm too forgiving. But for whatever reason, I felt a driving need to appear "fine" and to remain friends. I was successful, and even before the apology, we were friends. I wasn't exaggerating when I said 'one of my best friends' earlier. In my mind all had been forgiven, and I had moved on. Things had been awkward for a while, but we moved past it and had been talking joking and laughing like normal for a good month or so. So when I was pulled outside at a Halloween party a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything of it. I just grabbed the hand he offered and followed. We shared a chair by the fire on the patio, and he said, "So how are you?" I thought this was a strange question, especially to pull me outside for. After all, as I said we had talked and laughed and joked on a daily basis for the last month or so. I looked at him with my head tilted and my forehead wrinkled with a confused look on my face as I said, "Iiiii'mm good... why?" He said, "Well, because I feel like you're not. I feel like you haven't been ok for a while." Not wanting to admit any sign of weakness, I said, "No, I'm good!" And I said it energetically and with a smile. To which he replied, "Toni, you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter." This guy knows me better than possibly any person on the planet. He is the only person that can literally can look right through me and tell you exactly how and why I'm feeling the way I am. I knew it was pointless to argue, but I continued to try. After a while, he just said, "Look, it's me. I know you've been having a hard time, and I know that I'm responsible for a lot of it. And I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for every part I had in that. You and your friendship mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, and that I'm here if you need anything." I looked at him in shock and awe and said two words. In my shocked state it was all I could come up with. "Thank you." It was the most sincere thank you I have ever said in my life. The level to which I was touched really surprised me. I pondered for a long time about why this was, and I realized that I honestly think this was the first time in my life that anyone has actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to me. It was the first time in my entire life I had been apologized to in person with real words.

This may sound surprising, but think about how many times you have actually said the words 'I'm sorry' out loud to someone that you've offended or been in a fight with. We throw around the words 'I'm sorry' like candy. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sorry you had to see/hear that, sorry I wasn't home, sorry I can't help you, sorry I can't get to the phone --leave a message, I'm sorry -can you help me, or a nonchalant sorry man! We throw the words around like candy, and that's ok, but I'm talking about sincere apologies to people that we've offended/deeply or personally wronged. I have been sorry about things and I have been in fights with family members and friends, and we've reconciled whatever issues we've had and gone on with life. I have implied that I 'm sorry, I've texted emailed and written the words many a time, but I don't think I've every actually said such a honest and sincere and blunt apology. And I think this is sad. I can't think of anyone I'm still holding a grudge against, or that I haven't forgiven, but it's not the same. I've made it a point to make honest sincere verbal face to face eye contact included apologies from now on. I think the world would be a better place if we all did the same. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or picked on because I certainly don't feel that way, I've been apologized to before I'm sure, just not in so many words. I appreciated it more than I can explain, and it's changed my life, really. I'm not sure that this made sense, but I just wanted to share a couple things I'd been thinking about lately.