Time

Time is a funny thing. There is something in it's passing that takes away the negatives. At least for me. And I suppose this is a blessing. There are certain times in your life when you just reflect back and say, "You know what? That was really pretty cool. And I'm really proud that I was a part of that." And it's not that I don't see the good while I'm in the moment, because I do. I really do. I see the good. I feel the good. But there's this fierce part of me that is never satisfied with less than perfection. That chooses to focus on the flaws and the things that can be improved. This is both a blessing and a curse. I'm a generally positive person --or at least I was before working so closely to the general public... haha. Honestly though, it's not that I focus on the things that could go better to be negative, because I really do see the whole picture. I see the positive. But in the heat of the moment the deep rooted part of me that strives for perfection always and in all things points out all the things that need to be fixed. Things to make better. Things to improve upon for next time. Because as smoothly as things can appear to run there is always room for improvement. And I think that my brain picks these out in this continuous struggle to attain the unachievable perfection.

As time wheels away, round and around the memories go while the bumpy rocks and sharp divots get chipped off and smoothed over so what is left is a smooth round whole view of the situation as it was. And looking at the new smooth round memory reminds me to be more present. Accept things more as they come, in the moment. Perfection isn't a thing. As much as my stomach churns at the thought. It isn't. Perfection isn't real. The passing of the time doesn't make you forget the struggles and tears. But it does however put them in perspective. And what you're left with is a pretty damn good life.

I've done a lot in my 32 years. And I've been a part of some pretty damn amazing things. And I've complained about them. And I've struggled through them, and I've cried. A lot. Here's the thing though, perfection isn't real. The word "but" is grossly over-used. Things in life are rarely mutually exclusive. The last year was a rough one for me. It was such an interesting struggle. Because it was at once the most amazing slice of happiness -being closer to my family and being able to see my nephews grow up- and the worst year of my life. At the same time. Nothing has ever felt so fundamentally wrong on every level, and I fought it. because it also was amazing being so close to my family. And there were good things, there always are. So what now? What if being in the same state as your family is just absolutely not what you're supposed to do? What happens if the second you get in the car to drive away a two-ton weight is instantly lifted from your chest? I don't have answers. What I do have is a free and light feeling that whatever this is, it's right. And that's enough for now.

But time is a funny thing. Because when I saw this video that a former coworker made of the last year at Intermountain Medical Center what I saw was that we were pretty damn amazing. And we did and they do AMAZING things. And I'm so glad and so proud that I got to be a part of it. I don't see the collective hours I spent crying while having to put on my scrubs, and sitting in my car in the parking garage convincing myself to go inside. I don't feel the feelings of ...not fitting in. I don't remember the times I was astounded at the stupidity and narrow-mindedness. I remember that I worked for a world-class trauma center and that we saved lives. And that We. Were. Amazing. And I miss these people. We weren't perfect, but we were good.

The Greatest to Have Ever Done It

I sat in the break room of the tiny 22-bed emergency department in Berkeley, California; 2,906 miles down the road (at the other end of the freeway) from where my heart and soul were. Leftover lemon chicken and pineapple fried rice sat cooling in front of me as I stared at my phone with tears streaming down my face. It was over. Derek Jeter's final game in Yankee Stadium. Derek Jeter had played his last game as shortstop for the New York Yankees. And there were pictures and video clips of him taking the field for the final time, crouching in the position that's been his for the past twenty years. Of the double from his first at bat, the go-ahead run he was responsible for in the 8th, the walk-off single to end the game, and of Andy Pettitte, Jorge Posada, and Joe Torre being in the dugout to close it out. And I just cried. It could not have been more perfect. It was like it was scripted. God is most assuredly a Yankee fan.

I have been in love with Derek Jeter since the summer I turned fourteen years old. There are SO many memories. The flip, the dive, the Mr. November homerun, the championships, the speaches, the milestones. But it's more than that. It's more than the combined sum of the pieces of history I've witnessed in person and via the media. Sure it's pretty great that the first pitch of a Major League Baseball game I ever saw live was hit by Derek Jeter over the left field fence at McAfee Coliseum in Oakland, CA. It's great that the last game that I saw at the old Yankee Stadium was the last Yankee-RedSox game to be played there. It's great that I saw a game at the new stadium this year and pondered that he still looks the exact same as the first game I saw on TV as a 14 year-old girl. Seriously, look it up. The jump-throw, the stance, every single nuance. Even today. Did you see the photo of him jumping in the air after the walk-off single? Tell me that he looks different than the photo of him jumping in celebration at the end of the 1996 world series. He doesn't. The photos are interchangeable. But I've learned more from Derek Jeter than the way baseball should be played. It's more than his talent and the intangibles and the off-the-field professionalism. It's how to live a life.

The first couple years of college I read the book he wrote in 2001, The Life You Imagine: Life Lessons For Achieving Your Dreams. And it changed my life. Seriously. It's on the short list of three books that have changed my life. And I've read a LOT of books. From this book I got the quote that is still at the bottom of my email signature to this day: "Dreams become realities when you love what you do." From this book I learned, as Derek Jeter's father told him, there will most always be someone better than you, but there is NEVER an excuse for someone to work harder than you. I learned that the way you do everything you do is important. He talks about how he didn't care if he was a garbage man, a plumber, or a tv repair man he would want to be the best there was at that position. He spoke of the things he learned from watching a cable repairman at his house as a young boy. He had no aspirations to be such, but he learned the value of hard work and the desire to be the best at whatever he was doing. He talks about how that man made him a better baseball player, just by being the best at what he was. You can learn something from every person you come across in life. Don't be too good to learn something from someone in a different station of life than you. I expect a lot. Of people, of things, of situations. It causes a lot of angst at times, because expectations can ruin an experience if you're not in control of the outcome. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I think this is part of why I'm such a big Yankee fan to be honest. They don't only demand perfection, they expect it. They expect to win the world series every year, and as Derek Jeter has said repeatedly in this book and elsewhere, if we didn't win the world series, the season was a failure. Why would you want to be ok with second place? Why would you want to be ok with pretty good? Perfection. Don't ever let yourself settle for decent. Don't ever aim for having a wining season, or making it to the playoffs or even making it to the world series. If you're going to aim for something, set a goal to win the world series. If that's not your goal every single year, get out of the game. Sure you can have a good season and not win the world series, but having a good season and having a failed season are not mutually exclusive. Derek Jeter expects to get a hit every single time he's at the plate. Every time. In a game where you can fail to get a hit 70% of the time and still be among the elite, many wonder why you'd expect to get a hit every time you're at the plate. Well, if you don't expect to get a hit every time you're at the plate, you might as well stay in the dugout and tell them to skip your turn. You know it's not going to happen every time, but that doesn't mean that you expect yourself to fail. Do you see the difference? He talks about how he wants the ball hit to him every single play. He wants to be the one at bat with the game on the line every single time. If you don't want the ball hit to you every play, why are you on the field? If you don't want the chance to be the hero at the plate with the game on the line, why are you playing the game? The big moments are why you play the game. Don't shy away from, don't take them as they come, seek them out, hope for them, expect them to be yours.

*editing note* Just watched the post-game interview ... did you see it?!  In the entire career of Derek Jeter I have not seen him cry once. And I haven't missed a moment of Derek Jeter's career. He teared up several times during the game, and welled up during the post-game interview. He was talking about feeling sentimental for the first time in his career when they took the field in the first inning. And then his voice cracked as he told how he heard the fans chanting "Thank you Derek" and he thought "What are you thanking me for? I was just doing my job. It's the fans that have made this amazing." I love this man. And yes, I'm crying again.

Don't bother setting a goal if it's not to be the best, go the farthest, do the most. And if you fail once, set the goal again next go-round. Don't accept less than perfection because of previous failures. Pick yourself up, work your hardest all over again, and aim for perfection every time. Don't ever set a goal to be okay at something. To be mediocre. Don't set a goal to just make it through your shift. Set a goal to change someone's life. He talked about the pressure of being Derek Jeter and that he played every moment of every game so that no one could say he didn't try hard enough. He spoke of how he wanted people who came to the stadium to see him play be able to say --even if he didn't get a single hit that day-- "but did you see the way he ran the grounder to the seond-baseman out?" He didn't want to not give 100% at any single second.  I read this book so many times that chunks of pages are falling out. The corners are all dog-eared, and the highlight marks and margin notes are fading. I read the book for motivation repeatedly to get me through a very trying nursing program when I felt like I was drowning every day and didn't know if I had what it took to make it through --to keep me motivated not to just get through but to be the best. And most days making it through felt iffy. That didn't mean the goal was not perfection though. It was never my goal to just make it through. Making it through was TOUGH but I wanted to make it through and be the best. As I was on stage at graduation receiving the award for expert clinician (the only one of my entire graduating class) I literally though of this book, and the ways that it helped me reach this point. I read the book several more times as I was becoming a new nurse and then a new nurse in the emergency department --fulfilling my dream. I was the best CNA and LPN and RN I could be every day, and no one worked harder than I did every day. And when I need a bit of motivation still to this day, I remember the lessons I read repeatedly in the beginning of my career -the lessons I learned while I was achieving my dreams. Derek Jeter made me a better nurse. Which sounds crazy unless you get it. Seriously. Read the book people. If I don't expect to get each IV on each attempt -every time- I have no business being in that room. (see end of last paragraph)

And so I cry. I cry because Derek Jeter happened. And it was amazing. The whole career. I cry because it's ending. And I cry because there will never be another baseball player to match what Derek Jeter is and has been for the last twenty years. 

Because Frank always says it best and there could not be a song more fitted to Derek Jeter...

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way,
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way"

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way! (My Way lyrics -Frank Sinatra)

Farewell, Captain. You'll be missed.

On Repeat

On repeat at my house lately: Three times that Idina Menzel changed my life:



This brings back memories of dancing around our Brooklane apartment with my roommate Sarah screaming at the top of our lungs to "Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"  The first time I began to tell myself that it really may be okay to  "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Bernard M. Baruch --Your life doesn't have to look like anything anyone else expects. It just has to be yours. And people can take you or leave you. As long as you're true to yourself, that's all that matters.



Where do I even start with this one. The first time I saw Wicked, it literally changed my life. I sat on the second row of the Gershwin theater completely captivated, covered in goosebumps, and tears trickling down my face as the first act came to a close. It was one of those ethereal moments where you can stick a pin in the exact moment of your life timeline and say, that one, right there, that moment was where it changed. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game... It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap. I'm though accepting limits because someone says they're so." The musicality of the whole piece. The way she starts off almost timid, then at the end you're just in tears as she belts out at full strength, "So if you care to find me, look toward the western sky. As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly. And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me. Tell them how I'm defying gravity. And you won't bring me down." I get chills every time. Even now as I type this.



Don't roll your eyes at me. "A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I'm the queen. The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal don't feel, don't let them know, well now they know. LET IT GO. It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. Let it go and I'll rise like the break of dawn, let it go, that perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day, let the storm rage on."

Thoughts Over The Past Year

A collection of my favorite thoughts from twitter, pinterest, instagram, facebook, and tumblr over the past year. As saved on my phone because I felt them deep in my soul.

Things I've Learned

A lot of changes are coming my way. And it all feels so right and so exhilarating in a way that nothing has felt in my life for several years. And it all has me sentimental and nostalgic. There are a lot of amazing things I've learned in my life and travels that have gotten me to this point. And a few amazing people. Because even though it's right and it's exciting, it's still scary. And parts of it are sad. So here's what I know. My best friendships have survived distances of a few miles clear up to a few continents away. And the times when we've been the farthest apart are the times when we've been the closest. My dear friend Mercy pointed out to me last week that facebook had our chatting messages saved from 2010. She said that she had been reading through them and... "wow... we've had some journeys huh?!" So yesterday when I had a day off I went with my curiosity, and scrolled all the way back through four years of messages and started reading. Wow. Some journeys. In a way it was better than reading an old journal. Because every conversation was in the moment and a raw snapshot of what life was in the exact moment. I read through these messages with the hindsight of how each new relationship turned out. And how things that seemed benign ended in deep tragedy, and things that seemed tragic in the moment are comical blips on the radar of the past now. And the learning and growth... just wow!!!

I've gotten off track. How unlike me ;) But the whole reminiscing experience made me think about the journey and journeys I've been on. And the people that have been there with me. I read through old conversations with several friends after this initial one, and I just smiled. I have learned that no matter where I go I have amazing people that love me, and whom I love. And people whose friendships have not only survived physical distance, but been stronger in the distance.

I've learned that a life where you can't be happy isn't worth staying in. I've learned that ultimately you have to do what feels right and what speaks to your soul. I've learned that being the best you is the best thing you can give to people. Even if that means you don't live in the same time zone. This is not to say that I won't miss certain people terribly. The thought of no longer being able to spend every day off playing in the dirt and splashing in puddles with my nephew rips at my heart.  The thought of not having his fingerprints on my iPad and phone, and looking at me like I'm the greatest thing ever hurts. The thought of no longer being able to go on twice-monthly Starbucks dates and fishing with my dad on random mornings when it strikes our fancy pains me. The thought of not being here when my mom wants to come down and go shopping makes me a bit sad. The thought of not seeing my best sister in law, best friend, and her sweet family every Wednesday while we laugh and talk and de-stress under the pretense of baking yummy things. Not being able to push a button on my vocera and have access to my best friend Jill in the same hospital is kind of sad. These are the things that have gotten me through the past year.

But the thought of going somewhere new and starting this new adventure thrills me. The thought of being debt free in a year liberates me. That's another thing I learned by coming back here. I learned that I can live with less. I can do more and need less. The thought of having an end goal that is exciting and attainable and actually taking action to accomplish the goal exhilarates me.

And I couldn't do it without the knowledge that my friendships will not only stay intact, but that some will grow stronger. And the knowledge that my family is my base of support, and how great it will be to be able to come back and see them when I'm living my dreams and making things happen, and being the best person that I can be because that's what they taught me. It will be hard to be away from them, especially from my littles (one of whom will be moving to a new state of his own with his parents) but I want them to know that they can go anywhere and do anything and be loved just the same. Hopefully that's part of an example that I can leave for them. Being the best me is the best thing that I can give anyone.

So here's to long sordid email conversations, video chats, and phone calls. Here's to vacations and adventures and accomplishing goals. Here's to living the best life you can, the one that's meant for you!!

Loss

Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end. But in my heart's a memory, and there you'll always be. (Disney's Fox and the Hound) I didn't know you as well as some. I had known you for such a short time. In that short year, you made such an impact in my life. You made a very difficult transition for me a little easier. Your vibrant smile, infectious laugh, radiant attitude, and that kindred mischievous glint in your eye. Our ER family lost a beloved member and gained another sassy angel to watch over us --and maybe laugh at us a bit. So in your honor my dear Kelly, I'll share this reminder with my little corner of the world; One of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain that hangs in my living room. And I'll add my two cents: Don't let a single moment pass you by in waste. Never let one single opportunity pass you by to tell the people in your life how grateful you are for them --even in the smallest of ways.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Nothing says the 4th of July to me like a girl walking through a farmer's hay field in a sundress and flip flops to a small town parade where hoards of small children gorge on sugar and sunscreen. The smell of hairspray and world domination thick in the air as dancers, cheerleaders, and rodeo queens prance by in puffs of glitter. The crowd cheering perhaps loudest of all for the boy scout troop scooping piles of manure into giant buckets pulled by 4-wheelers following the horse brigade. This has been my day. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. The great thing is that this day is repeated in small towns throughout this vast vast country of ours.

I stopped by the grocery store we used to sneak to for donuts while ditching class in high school, this time to pick up some deli lunch-meats with my mom.

I've eater watermelon, sloppy joes, and so many cherries my fingers are stained red. I accepted half-eaten taffy bites from my nephews. I've laughed so hard my stomach hurt and my lungs spasmed.

I watched fireworks explode in the sky, hot dog on my plate, tears on my cheeks, as God Bless America played in the background.

I listened to Kenny, Brad, Zac, and Rodney. I watched The Sandlot, and I watched the beautiful flag wave in the hot summer breeze of my parents porch. I kept tabs on the Yankee game. (they won)

And I gave a silent prayer of thanks to be able to be here with my family. And for all those who have fought so hard and sacrificed so much in order for me to enjoy the day in celebration of freedom and independence.