T- 24 Hours

That's t minus twenty four hours until I'm in my home away from home. Away from home. New York!!!!!!!  Words can't express how much I have missed it and how thrilled I am to be going back, even for just a short weekend. In the past 24 hours I've written three papers, completed one group project, taken one test, worked for ten hours, and oh yeah... slept just a little bit. So the vacation is also much needed :)  Here's to hoping the next 24 hours aren't as stressful... although I do still have to shop, pack, clean, take one more test, and perhaps sleep a bit again. We'll see :) T-24 hours baby!!!

Heartburn

So... it's been a while since I've been in a posting mood... or had time to post. The combination of the two just hasn't been there.  See, my life has been giving me heartburn lately.  There's too much school. All three of my teachers are the type that think theirs is the only class you have, and it's a LOT. And yes, there is only two more weeks in the quarter but quite frankly, my brain was done a couple weeks ago. And there's work. Always work. I live there. Too much school too much work. Not enough sleep.  And I asked for all this. Then there's trying to work out vacations. My life gives me heartburn. All first world problems, I know. I know that it's pretentious, but it gives me heartburn none the less. So I take lots of pepcid complete and try to be grateful for the many blessings that are mine. And then I take more pepcid.  I just keep saying to myself, this too shall pass. And it shall. And it shall be wonderful when it does, and it shall be worth it. It shall.

Besides, there are things that lessen my heartburn. Like letting loose and blowing off steam with friends and co-workers... or getting caught up with an old friend over live music... or actually getting to go on vacations planned. And most of all the phone calls and messages from family and loved ones back home. The text message from my nephew asking me to be his valentine... that's right my nephew text messages... pretty good for a one year old ;) The skype chats, thank-you notes, and phone calls. They keep me sane. Since I can't post photos of these things most precious, I'll leave you with a couple photos of my recent trip to the grand canyon. Amazing. There were no words.

Subtle Clues

There are moments in life when you realize life has trying to tell you something. I had one of those the other morning. I was driving home from work and realized that I'd been listening to the same CD in my car for the past two weeks. Over and over and over on repeat. It's the only thing I was ever in the mood to listen to. I had originally burned the CD with some degree of apprehension because the only two times I listened to the playlist previously were a) in a bubble bath and b) on an airplane to drift off to sleep --95% of the time before take-off. It was almost like a sacred playlist, one only two be used for my two favorite activities: bubble baths and traveling. I can only remember two occasions when I made it past the first two songs while on an airplane, it relaxed me that fast and I was out. But I was burning CDs to keep the 6-disc changer of my car for when I got tired of the radio (which happens frequently). I had made one of my favorite Kenny Chesney songs, one with angry girl music, Frank Sinatra, the Wicked soundtrack, and my favorites from Rent/Phantom/Les Mis. I had one spot left so I burned the list to a disc. My ultimate relaxation lullaby/bubble bath mix. This is the CD that has been on repeat for two weeks. I think life was trying to tell me that i needed to take a minute and relax, that I was running myself ragged. Thank goodness for my upcoming vacation this weekend, I am in dire need of some r&r!!!  In case any of you could use the same message, the following is my top-secret bread-and-butter fail-proof relaxation list. It started as a disney/lullaby list that got me through nursing school and working nights in a nursing home, evolved into a relaxing "driving through terrible Logan winter weather" mix, and it's been tweaked several times since by different places, faces, and memories. Here's the current list --in order of course :) Put in on for a nice relaxing bubble bath in candle light. It's pure magic, I swear!

1.  All Will Be Forgotten --Holly Brook

2.  Clair de Lune --The APM Orchestra

3.  Ordinary Miracle --Sarah McLachlan (linked video is seriously worth watching)

4.  Bubbly Toes --Jack Johnson

5.  What a Wonderful World --Louis Armstrong

6.  Still, Still, Still --Jon Schmidt (this one soothed me to sleep on many a restless night)

7.  Come Away With Me --Norah Jones

8.  Ten Thousand Angels --Cademon's Call

9.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow --Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole

10. Hallelujah --either Jeff Buckley or Justin Timberlake (feat. Charlie Sexton) both versions are excellent

11. Old Blue Chair --Kenny Chesney (Ah, Kenny. Sigh.)

12. So You Are To Me --East Mountain South

13. Baby of Mine --Alison Krauss

14. Orange Sky --Alexi Murdoch

15. Maybe I'm Amazed --Jem

17. Rain City --Turin Brakes

18. You and Tequila --Kenny Chesney (feat. Grace Potter)

Wow ...it kinda feels like I betrayed a deep personal secret sharing that...but I know you'll enjoy it, it really is magic. Special props to Old Blue Chair ...no matter where I am or what my mood is, that song takes me to such a calm relaxed zen place, instantly transporting me to wherever I want to be. What is it about music?  Crazy. Love.

Growing Pains

So the past couple snow days I've been enjoying a lot of scrapbooking and season three of The OC. Don't judge. Today I watched the episode where the kids graduated from high school. I found myself shedding tears over memories. Do you remember high school graduation?  It was a bit sad for me, thinking about not seeing my friends as often, and for some, perhaps never again, but mostly it was a day of sheer joy, accomplishment, and possibility. There you were, standing on the precipice of the rest of your life, looking ahead into the golden horizon. There was nothing but possibility, nothing but opportunity, nothing but good and exciting things to come. College graduation wasn't even quite the same. By then you had some life experience. You'd begun to taste reality of life as an adult, and this time when you stood on that precipice, the horizon was full of greens and blues and hues of the real world. What was ahead of you was still opportunity, but on a different scale. What was ahead of you was your life, and you had made decisions --unwittingly shutting some doors, whereas at high school graduation every single door was open to you. Granted no door can be shut permanently, but it's not realistic to keep all doors open and just stand there. At some point you have to go through a few of them, and that's what college and choosing a career path is about.

So as I lay on the couch cuddled in my blanket with my hot chocolate, snowed in with tv shows of years gone by, I shed a tear. I found myself longing for the days full of exhilarating possibility and the drive to get going to see where your life would take you. That first feeling of free-falling into adulthood that was pure adrenaline. I found myself longing for more possibility, more opportunity.  And then I thought again. What you gain in those years of reality and growing up and college and life experiences is, well, experience. You gain love, you know hurt, you discover new things, new places. I had been feeling like experience was anchoring me down, making me feel smothered and claustrophobic by the lack of abounding new possibility and opportunity. But it isn't really that way, is it?  I mean, yes, once you've done and seen things once, it will never be new again, but that doesn't mean there aren't new mountains to be tackled right?

The real answer I suppose is somewhere in between. I don't know that it's possible to retain that high-school graduation feeling of impenetrable hope and conquer the world spirit. After all, as you begin conquering, there is simply fewer new things to conquer. But I don't think that's all bad. You learn that there are bumps in the road, holes in the bucket, and sometimes it's hard to make them worth something. Sometimes there might not be good to be found in all of them. For the most part though, you learn that though the bumps hurt and the holes drain sometimes more quickly than we'd like, there is a beauty to be found in the experience. So you trudge on, sometimes with heavier boots than others. I think there is a challenge in finding new things and in continuing to keep a piece of that spirit with you as you learn and grow. And that, my friends, is today's thought.  Happy sleeping, and good-night!

Snowmageddon

That's what they're calling the winter storm hitting the Pac NW as we speak. It will give many of you great giggles to know that there is a predicted 2 inches today and 4-6 tomorrow and people have emptied out grocery stores and stocked enough fuel for their cars for the end of the world.  Seriously. I went to the grocery store last night when I got off work at 0330 to get some chicken noodle soup I had been craving.  The store was packed. At 0330. And there were lines at the gas station. At 0330. And it's going to be raining again in 3 days. As in the rain will wash all the snow away. The massive couple inches that will effectively shut down an entire city. No exaggeration.

You will also be glad to know that I made it safely home from work during the frightening snowmageddon. There was even two full inches of fluffy glittery snow on my car when I left work. The roads were icy and un-plowed, the snow was falling, and I have a 4-cylinder car with front wheel drive. And I do not own chains. Or snow tires --if I didn't need them in Logan, I don't need them here. And I made it home safely, up hills, and down hills, all by myself like a big girl!  In all seriousness though, the following video effectively illustrates why a mere two inches of snow effectively shuts an entire city down. It was from Monday's two inches.  Intersection of Boren Ave. and University St.



A few tips for my Seattle friends, and anyone else unfamiliar with driving in the snow:

• If you don't have to (Drs, RNs, firefighters, police, etc) DON'T drive.
• If there is even a remote possibility that you would ever simply abandon your car and start walking down the freeway, planning to come back and retrieve your car when the snow has stopped, do not even leave your house to get in your car. (I wish I was making up the fact that that's what people do here. In no more than two inches of snow.)
• If you must drive in the snow, go slow.
• Do not change speeds or directions quickly. Meaning don't slam on your breaks, slam on the gas pedal or make any sharp turns. 
• To stop on ice, pump your breaks.
• To go down a hill down-shift your car. To first or second gear. Do NOT ride your breaks down the entire hill.
• On second thought... just call someone who knows how to drive in the stuff. Sans chains, sans 4-wheel drive.

Quick Reply

I like to think that someone was listening when I wrote yesterday's post (see below) because tonight's sunset was even better!  Love.

Wisdom of Old Age

I'm a worrier. I worry a lot. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry about how my failings and shortcomings affect other people. I worry that when I tell my dad I'll call him the next day but then I forget until long after he's asleep --I worry that he thinks I forgot him, I worry that he waited and waited and waited and I let him down. I worry that I've deprived my parents of walking me down the aisle and of grandchildren, and that I've let them down, do they really know that's what I yearn for most one day? I worry that I worry too much and can be a drain on my friends and family. I worry that I'll wear them out and will be left ultimately alone.  I feel bad on a personal level when I can't fix things. And so, I worry. And many may say that my worries are unfounded; That my dad clearly had more to do in his day than sit around waiting for me to call; that I'm still young; that it's not practical to fix every problem of everyone else that you come across in life.  It eats away at me for hours when I miss an IV attempt on the most difficult of patients (even if I had just got the IV on the chubby dehydrated six-month old that four other people were unable to get).  I know that some say that it's impossible to be perfect always, but still, I worry. And I cry, and I have a hard time sleeping. So sometimes I make lists. I make lists of all the worries swimming in my mind preventing it from silence and rest. I write them down and it sets them free.  At least for the night. Sometimes I write the same thing consecutively for many days. Sometimes I write nothing, because sometimes I'm at peace with me.  And that's what part of my New Year's Resolution is about. Being a more kind person --especially to myself.  So I try. I try every day to trade in my worries for thoughts of accomplishments and happiness. For thoughts of blessings and good fortune.

Along those lines, I'm quite enjoying my classes this quarter. I'm taking an elective class on the assessment of the older adult. The first week of class we were assigned to read a book written by K. Eileen Allen, a 90 year old woman from Seattle, entitled "I Like Being Old." I was surprised by how much I enjoyed and related to the book.  It wasn't just about how to age gracefully and avoid dependent living, it was about life lessons applicable to all ages.  She states that for her happiness is finding the balance between reaching out to people and spending time with herself. I like that. She says that happiness is getting rid of the "oughts." She no longer fees bound by other people's ideas of how she should live her life or even by what she thought she "had to do" earlier in her life. What a beautiful philosphy is that?! And why do we have to wait until we're 90 to figure that out?  She spends some time talking about being grateful to be aware that she's happy, and that happiness is an "inside job" after all. Love. She says, "A dazzling sunrise offers it's glory for only a few moments, and I miss the joy it brings if I don't acknowledge it right then and there."  She's also realistic. I love that she no longer believes that every cloud has a silver lining --because quite frankly, sometimes, they don't. She speaks on the importance of meditation, something I'd really like to implement into my life, and perhaps this quote spoke the most to me:

                    "It feels good to quiet myself, be in the here and now, and not worry about what 
                     happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow. Old perfectionist me often feels 
                     I'm not doing a good enough job... But when I stop stewing over what's wrong, 
                                         I'm able to see my virtues more than my faults."

She concludes that "Life is a gift and a giver of gifts to be treasured and rejoiced in each day. Life is impartial, neither singling me out for special favors nor to be a victim. Being happy acknowledges the gifts of this world and living happy is up to me."  So tonight as I get ready for bed instead of letting worries cloud my pretty little head, I'll write them down and let them go. I'll look at myself in the mirror as I wash my face and acknowledge that I am beautiful. I'll remember the beautiful picture from the drive home of the orange painted sky bleeding into the orange-hued lake --a crystal clear and still reflection of the surrounding shore and brilliant sky. The glistening snow-capped Olympic Mountains off in the distance.  And I'll pledge to be more grateful, more aware, and more happy tomorrow. Not every cloud has a silver lining, and not every day is happy, but acknowledging the little things and the little moments that we're happy is a beautiful start.