Uh-oh

Today's horoscope (according to the app on my phone) reads as follows:

Mood:
Beware of moon opposite sun that will hurt your morale. You will feel a bit depressed and will seriously lack motivation.

Love:
Your heart will not be ready to feel something. All the people you will meet today will appear boring and insipid.

Career:
You will carry out your tasks without much conviction, and you are not trying to stand out

Wellness:
Here you are again brooding over your past and your disappointments, torturing yourself for nothing that deserves it.

Welp, this doesn't bode well for my going to work today --time to call in sick?!  Lol, man this one really hit the nail on the head today.  Of course it is my 6th night of 6 shifts in a row, so in general I will find everyone boring and insipid. I have been zapped of motivation and my tolerance level for stupidity has been met and exceeded around day two. Day six is almost comical in this regard :)  I am indeed in kind of a generally numb unfeeling mood.  As for the brooding over the past... I have no excuse. It's what I do on occasion. And I'm ok with it for today. Because underneath it all, I know that I am indeed a rock star both destined for and in the midst of greatness. Here's to being kind to and accepting ourselves today!

The thing is...

Hi all!  Sorry I've been so quiet lately. I've been busy with a multitude of fairly menial tasks, and well, quite frankly, my internal dialog has been quite monotonous and repetitive. Pretty much I just haven't had much new/inspiring/colorful/entertaining to say :)  I've been busy with work, and with getting ready for my sister's wedding (read scheduling hair cut/color/blowout appointments), and with the day to day 'housekeeping' sort of tasks that if not kept up on will overwhelm your life with clutter.  It's amazing how the little things can pile up and how freeing it is when you actually accomplish them!  I only have three more appointments to schedule before the weekend and I'll be all caught up. Oh, and I need to back up my computer, save all my photos to discs, download my free windows 7 and microsoft office 2011 upgrade, and update my anti-virus software. And I need to download netflix, update the apps on my phone, update my starbucks card, and I just saw an app store for my computer?  Hello angry birds on my 17" screen!! (menial tasks like I said, but there's a bazillion of 'em)  Phew. In addition I've officially become a card carrying University of Washington Husky. That's right folks, school officially began with orientation this week (hence the free windows 7 and microsoft office updates). And I made it official by stopping by the bookstore and picking myself up some purple gear --purple plaid lounge-y pj bottoms and a purple comfy cotton jammie tshirt. Purple will never replace Aggie blue, but I'm doing this new thing where I stay in the 'present' of my own life :)  The other thing I accomplished this week was the passing of my Certified Emergency Nurse (CEN) exam.  It's kind of like taking the nursing boards again only its all specific to emergency care. Something like only 2% of emergency nurses have this certification, so it's kind of a big deal. But also sad for our profession, no? Only 2%?

Now that we know what I've been up to... I still don't really have any thoughts of my own to share. I've been in a SaTC marathon mode, contemplating the status of my life and relationships and goals. Like I said earlier, monotonous and repetitive :) However, today I was inspired by words of a dear friend.  She had the following to say:

We are more afraid of how great we can be than that we are nothing; more afraid to be truly loved, than rejected; More afraid of true friends, than of fake ones; More afraid of what we can do and handle, than what we can't. We don't want to see what we can do and be, have and love because it comes at a higher greater cost. True friends, true love, true greatness comes as a great and wonderful gift, but at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty. To love someone enough to be willing to die for them, is also to love them enough to be willing to live for them, which may actually be more difficult. To truly care means to know you will feel and share as much pain as you do joy that isn't your own or about you. To know you are great and capable is to know you have no excuse for not doing all you can and should, and to be left with out an excuse is scary. To know you are great and loved, and to love, is to know that you MUST give your ALL, no matter the cost, or stand as if naked before God and face the consequence of not doing what you could, when He gave you everything you needed to accomplish all he asked of you. --Mandi M.


So very true, and reminded me of my favorite Nelson Mandela quote.  The part that I loved was that true friends, love, and greatness come at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty.  Isn't that so true?  The thing about having it all and actually reaching for all that we are capable of is that you have so much more to loose. That's where the fear comes in. It's not that I'm afraid to be truly loved in and of itself, it's that I'm afraid that once I have that again I'll loose it again. When you achieve great things and risk great things to put yourself in great places you have a lot further to fall, a lot more to risk, a lot more to loose. It's easier to stay in the comfort of the familiar and stagnant than the sometimes scary land of growth, progress, and greatness. Not better, but easier. So here's to pushing ourselves. To standing a little taller, being a little better, and as Harriet Tubman once said, "Always remember you have within you the strength, the patience, the passion to reach for the stars. To change the world."

Perspective

You need to watch this video. So very true. Sorry that you have to click a few buttons to get there, but it's worth it. (This is funny after you see the clip)

Everything's awesome and nobody's happy!

Yearning

Today is a wistful day. I find myself yearning for New York more than normal today. A vacation is definitely long overdue, perhaps I'll need to make it sooner than anticipated. I yearn for every second of New York. I long for the magic of the theater, the bustle of the streets, the quiet rumble of the subway, the rushed hurry, the palpable pulse in the air and in the ground. I miss the serenity of the park, the splendor of the buildings. I miss the brownstones and tree lined streets. I miss the Macys. I miss the people. I miss my 15th floor pre-war apartment building with the character, walls, and doors that speak of an era gone by. I miss my river view. I miss the way it rains in New York. I miss the way the clouds come so close to the buildings that the skyline is shadowed on them, casting an eerie and yet comforting flow around the city. I miss the breeze, I miss wearing scarfs and pea coats. I miss the humid heat, I miss carrying a big bag with my life and a change of shoes in it. I miss the trauma of the Bronx and Harlem. I miss the sirens, I miss the horns, I miss the people. I miss the smell of the hot dog stands and the bagels. I miss the fresh fruit stands. What I wouldn't give for a chicken salad sandwich on a roll with lettuce and tomatoes from Hamilton's Deli. I miss the quaint book stores and shops. In my mind I'm again sitting over lunch on a sidewalk cafe with friends. I'm at an outdoor jazz festival at Lincoln Center There is nothing New York that I'm not craving today.

The first time I went to NYC I was hooked. There is something truly magical about the city that was instantly under my skin and a part of me. For months and years after returning from my week long vacation I would see clips or scenes of movies/tv shows/commercials on tv and I had a literal pulling deep in my gut. New York was calling me, reaching for me, beckoning me. When I moved there, sure I was nervous of the unknown at first, but mostly I just felt at home. I left when the time was right for me and I knew it. I never could have made the break if it wasn't so. And since I've left I've had a constant ache for the city. Most days it's a dull roar in the background. Days like today it's as blunt and as in the forefront as my initial withdrawal. Sigh. So a vacation is due. Until I make it back, New York I miss you, and I dream of you day and night. Seattle still has my heart, and I learned long ago that I follow my heart, but my soul will always be in New York.

Sponsored By...

Today's episode of pain is beauty is brought to you by Laser Hair Removal. I mean seriously, OUCH!! I'm no wimp, but my gosh that hurt!! And let's remember that I've been waxing and tweezing etc for years. I'm kind of used to it. Now I didn't go into my appointment today thinking that it was going to be all tulips and daisies and spring sunshine. I knew that it was going to be uncomfortable, but I think I may have been playing it down too far. Today was just the legs and underarms appointment. It started off ok, but by the time she got close to my ankles I was sure she was satan reincarnated. Apparently the hair around your ankles is thicker so it hurts more. I seriously have bite marks on my thumb and wrist where I was biting to avoid screaming or kicking her. They're going to make spectacular bruises. But I gritted my teeth and didn't say anything. After all, it's all going to be worth it. Then she moved to my underarms, where I believe my exact words were, "Ah-HAhahaow!" To which laser satan giggled and said, "Yeah, you were doing so well I wasn't going to say anything to jinx it. The underarms are always the worst. After this the bikini is going to be a breeze." Really? Yikes. I never would have thought your underarms would be worse than your bikini line ...because, well, it just isn't so with waxing. But with waxing neither is too bad. I guess the good part is Monday's bikini appointment is going to be "a breeze." We'll see.

Oh, and don't worry. I'm OF COURSE still going to finish the course!! After all, beauty is pain, and after just five more rounds I'll not have to shave any more. Ever. Yay!!!!! Totally worth the pain, and the thought even makes the pain more tolerable :) I also should point out that I always thought lasik was going to be my first laser surgical procedure. Turns out groupon changed all that. After all, who can say no to a 90% discount?! Wahoo!!!

Old Age

My short term memory is not what it once was. I went in to my hair appointment today and left my cellphone in the car. I realized this as I was already changed into my robe and waiting for my stylist. I figured the bliss of hair day would get me through the anxiety over not having it. I was correct. But when I was done I could not wait to rush to my phone and see that no one had called/messaged/emailed. Why are we so attached to these things anyways? It was only an hour, good grief. But i am. Terribly. I admit it.

But then later, I was halfway to work when I went to reach for my phone in my purse and realized I had left it plugged into the charger at home. Not enough time to go back and still be on time. It'll be good for me I thought, to survive an entire night at work without my phone (read: calculator, translator, and break time entertainment). It gets worse though, I got to work and realized that I also left my watch at home!!!!! This is for sure not ok! My goodness, I'm getting old. My short term memory definitely isn't what it once was! :)

In other news ...after I got my hair done today I went to get my official WA drivers license. The driver's licencing office was a special experience...

Narcissism

Thank goodness for spell checker ...that's a tough word to spell. Anyways, my name is Toni and I am a vapid narcissist. It's true. I come to realize this more and more. The most recent case in point was the holiday weekend. I spent the entire weekend in somewhat of a melancholy state. You see, I love my mother, and I love my family, and I miss them terribly. And on holidays especially such as this one it is quite hard for me to be so far away. This was not the main reason behind my mood however. You see, I realized that the mother's day holiday is a weekend long celebration and reminder of the thing I have failed at most in life. Yes, that's right, it's always about me :) See, you thought I was kidding about the narcissism...

Don't get me wrong, I love mothers, they absolutely get their own special day and deserve so much more. I in fact find it somewhat ...offensive? That people who are not mothers are lumped in this category. Let's celebrate the day for what it is. Motherhood. A day for the most noble most challenging and most rewarding profession there is. A day for the people who are primarily responsible for the raising and nurturing of little ones, no matter what their age is. Mothers that are and mothers that were, and the mothers that have given birth and then given the gift of motherhood to someone else. I'm an aunt and an auntie, I'm a role model (of sorts, or so I'm told), I'm a friend, and I am a pretty big deal in general (thanks Mindy :) ). I'm an important person, and I do many great things and I love many people, but I am not a mother. Not yet.

I yearn for this and look forward to the day when the blessing of wife and mother becomes mine. I struggle at times to remember that I am still young and clearly not ready or it would have happened already. For goodness' sake!! I'm only 28 years old!!! Life is great, and life is an amazing adventure and I revel in the things I learn every day and in the experiences and adventures that are mine and mine alone. As a dear friend reminded me yesterday (after a text inquiring if I was the only one feeling like the weekend was a glaring reminder of my failure in the area) I have not failed. I haven't attempted yet. And I still have so many more great and wonderful experiences to discover. Many more days to prepare me to be the best wife and mother I can be. I have a lot to live up to in the example of my mother and the many great mothers that surround me, and I certainly don't want to rush.

I'm not saying I want this now, the thought of it puts me in a certain state of panic... So why the melancholy? I don't know. Cultural/religious expectations born and bred into me? Maybe just because I'm a girl and let's face it, girls are crazy :) But someday for sure. For there truly is no more noble and blessed calling than that of mother.