Today's "Things"

I knew today was going to be a good day. I got to work and found out that not only was the air conditioner in the staff ladies bathroom fixed (who wants to pee in a sauna? ew), but ALSO, the lady in the cafeteria cut my sandwich in triangles instead of squares. What a good day it was indeed :) And it was a great day at work as well ...as evidenced by our fearless psych counselor ...and remember it's a Monday AND a full moon:

Ah, Marilyn

I know I've quoted this before, it's one of my favorites. It's especially applicable today. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." --Marilyn Monroe.

Trust no one but yourself. I used to be such an optimist. A hopeless romantic, idealist, and optimist. I'm quickly becoming a pessimistic realist. Which is ok, I mean it is what it is... But there's only so many times you can be disappointed in the world before optimism fades to jaded bitterness. I still want to hope, I still want to believe that people are basically good (thanks Anne Frank, I'm trying), but the dark and twisty side of me is putting up quite a battle. One of my favorite Grey's Anatomy moments is from the bomb episode of season two. Meredith is refusing to get out of bed, and is ranting to Christina. "...You never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. Plus, my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I just ...I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the absence of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." After this Christina kicks Meredith out of bed and tells her, "Whatever! Everybody has problems, now get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! MOVE, move move move!" (thanks Wikiquote, you're a great invention :) )

I don't have anyone to kick me out of bed and make me go to work every day. I do however have bills to pay, so I do it. But the point is, things change, people change, they disappoint you, the world is quite a disappointing place. No one's perfect, and eventually you learn to trust your heart and your deep dark secrets to no one but yourself. Don't put people on pedestals because you'll get hurt when they fall off. And they always fall off. So do you, so don't try to climb on any. So all I need now is a sign. A sign that things are going to change. That good things have fallen apart because better ones are falling together. I need a reason to cleave to the last shred of desire to hope for better things. It's out there somewhere. Right?

Alone

Alone and lonely are not even close to the same things. A girl can feel lonely surrounded by millions of people. As anyone who's ever live in New York City can attest. A girl can also feel lonely surrounded by her friends. You can distract yourself from the loneliness by work or workouts or movies or tv or the internet or other activities. A girl needs her friends. A girl needs her girls. She needs them to sit with and to talk with and to help her through. It's true what they say on SaTC, it doesn't matter what you're going through or how long it takes you to make it through, you never get there without your friends. But eventually you are alone. Just you by yourself. Alone. And sometimes you're alone and lonely. But it is in these moments, when you're truly alone that you figure out what you're made of. You've been given the advice, the love, the encouragement, and the support that you need, and you need to be by yourself to figure out what you are and how you work. Alone and lonely is tough. But it doesn't last forever. And eventually when you're able to stand on your own, you're not lonely any more. Even if you are alone.

I'm Back!

I really love vacation, and I really fell in love with the south. Among the things I discovered in North Carolina is a new (to me) band, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. They played one of the nights at the Bele Chere Festival, and I was hooked. So I came home and downloaded their album to my iTunes. Good stuff. You should really check it out. I went to visit an amazing friend of mine, Serena. I met Serena when we were both travel nurses in Seattle the first time I was here. We were both travel nurses again together last summer at the same hospital. I have since become permanent staff at Valley, and she has since moved home with her husband and step-daughter and has a new three-month old baby and is permanent staff at an ER in NC. We really are two of a kind, Serena and I. Very very very similar. We were raised almost identically. We think the same, we act the same, our mom's are alike, our dads are alike, even our past relationships are nearly identical. I have many great and amazing friends, and I love them all. They are all very wise and have many very wise pieces of advice and moments of insight, and I appreciate it more than they could know. This trip in particular though, I unlocked a key discovery from within myself. During a spur of the moment 2 hour road trip to Charlotte (long story involving multiple flight changes and cancellations) she helped me discover that I just needed to find myself. I have so lost myself in a sea of trying to be what others think I should be. And trying to be what I thought I needed to be to save and hold onto relationships with friends and more-than-friends. When the reality is that if I myself am not 'good enough' then so be it. I don't need you. So, I'm on a new mission. Operation find myself. I'm not sure how to do it or where the journey is going to take me, but I know that it will be somewhere amazing. It's amazing how instantly freed I felt when she said this one sentence. It was so simple and so true. I don't know who 'me' is anymore, but I'm going to figure it out. Ah, sweet freedom. Freedom from expectations of others who don't matter. I am who I am, and I might not know exactly who that is anymore, but I do know that I'm done worrying about what anyone else thinks about who I am.

So, Grace Potter. Was listening to the new album today on the way home, and took note of the lyrics to one of the songs, "Fooling Myself." "Maybe I feel like I'm fooling myself, either that or I'm fooling everyone else... Maybe it's hard just to let it all go, but it's goin' goin' gone right out my door." There it is. An amazing visit with an amazing friend. An amazing self discovery. It's good to be back :)

Currently on Constant Replay

In my car, in my room, on my computer, this song is constantly blaring at top volume. It's essentially my life theme song for a moment.

Love The Way You Lie by Eminem feat Rihanna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

I can't tell you what it really is,
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe but still I fight while I can fight.

As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from the hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint.
And I love it, the more that I suffer, the more I suffocate.

And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she f*(&ing hates me
And I love it.

Wait, where you going
I'm leaving you
No you aint, come back.
We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cause when it's going good, it's going great.
I'm superman with the wind in his bag.
She's Lois Lane.

But when it's bad, it's awful.
I feel so ashamed. I snap.
Who's that dude, I don't even know his name.
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again.
I guess I don't know my own strength.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

And the song continues, but I'm sure you get the jest. Love love love this song.

Reaffirmation

Things I have learned this weekend:



1. Friendship is forever. And the best ones are there forever and always no matter what you say or do or how far apart you are.



2. I think I actually COULD handle having a baby... My apartrment however needs some work.



3. There is NO therapy like sunshine therapy.



4. Even after 2 years, watching the Yankees play is like being home.



5. I really like my days off. Like an unhealthy amount. I'm not sure what that means...



6. I miss living within walking distance to Pike Place.



7. I need to use the pool at my apt a lot more.



8. I'm not letting Danielle and family go home.



9. I'm going to miss my Mercy like crazy when she goes to school in New Orleans. I wouldn't let her leave either but a) I'm pretty sure they outlawed keeping Africans hostage in your house a few years ago. And b) I really want to visit New Orleans, and now I'll have my own tour guide :)

Let Freedom Ring

Erma Bombeck once said, "You have to love a nation that celebrates it's Independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but at picnics where kids throw frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die of happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it's patriotism." I love it, and it's so true. The 4th of July always has been and always will be my favorite holiday. It's when we celebrate what we are. And we don't do this with big shows of strength and military muscle on our own soil. Our service men and women are busy fighting at home and abroad to keep our freedoms and ensure the cause of liberty. They do so not with a big show, pomp and circumstance, but every day. Fourth of July or not. I have two dear friends who have served several tours of duty in Iraq with the Marines, and now a friend near and dear to me is preparing to do so as a Ranger in the Army. I know this side of them. The side of them that loves to boat and play ball and joke with friends. The side that throws one heck of a summer barbecue. The side that loves life and laughter. And I've seen glimpses into the sides of them that have gotten blown up in caravans. Seen glimpses into the side of them that has held brothers as they lay fallen in sacrifice for what we take advantage of every day.

One of my favorite 4th of July moments on film is in the movie The Sandlot. When they're all our playing a game of street ball and they all stop to admire the fireworks in the sky while Ray Charles sings about purple mountain's majesty. It brings me to nostalgic tears. Every time. In the words of Rodney Atkins, "It's a high school prom, it's a Springstein song, it's a ride in a Chevrolet. It's a man on the moon, fireflies in June, and kids sellin' lemonade. It's cities and farms, it's open arms, One Nation Under God, it's America." That's why we celebrate with family picnics where kids trow frisbees and have watermelon seed spitting contests. That's why we celebrate with baseball games and fireworks and family friends and loved ones. Because that's what we fight for. That's who we are. We are beautiful spacious skies, we are amber waves of grain, we are purple mountain majesty. We are America. America is families and friends playing and enjoying the sunshine and warm summer nights. That is the heart and soul of what we are and it's why so many now and before us have shed blood sweat and tears. Thank you for those that have gone before and sacrificed so much, that we can have what we take advantage of today. You are not forgotten. You are loved.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from John Fitzgerald Kennedy. "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."