Sugar, Spice, and Most Things Nice

Subtle Clues

2012-01-25T07:32:00.001-08:00

There are moments in life when you realize life has trying to tell you something. I had one of those the other morning. I was driving home from work and realized that I'd been listening to the same CD in my car for the past two weeks. Over and over and over on repeat. It's the only thing I was ever in the mood to listen to. I had originally burned the CD with some degree of apprehension because the only two times I listened to the playlist previously were a) in a bubble bath and b) on an airplane to drift off to sleep --95% of the time before take-off. It was almost like a sacred playlist, one only two be used for my two favorite activities: bubble baths and traveling. I can only remember two occasions when I made it past the first two songs while on an airplane, it relaxed me that fast and I was out. But I was burning CDs to keep the 6-disc changer of my car for when I got tired of the radio (which happens frequently). I had made one of my favorite Kenny Chesney songs, one with angry girl music, Frank Sinatra, the Wicked soundtrack, and my favorites from Rent/Phantom/Les Mis. I had one spot left so I burned the list to a disc. My ultimate relaxation lullaby/bubble bath mix. This is the CD that has been on repeat for two weeks. I think life was trying to tell me that i needed to take a minute and relax, that I was running myself ragged. Thank goodness for my upcoming vacation this weekend, I am in dire need of some r&r!!! In case any of you could use the same message, the following is my top-secret bread-and-butter fail-proof relaxation list. It started as a disney/lullaby list that got me through nursing school and working nights in a nursing home, evolved into a relaxing "driving through terrible Logan winter weather" mix, and it's been tweaked several times since by different places, faces, and memories. Here's the current list --in order of course :) Put in on for a nice relaxing bubble bath in candle light. It's pure magic, I swear!

1. All Will Be Forgotten --Holly Brook

2. Clair de Lune --The APM Orchestra

3. Ordinary Miracle --Sarah McLachlan (linked video is seriously worth watching)

4. Bubbly Toes --Jack Johnson

5. What a Wonderful World --Louis Armstrong

6. Still, Still, Still --Jon Schmidt (this one soothed me to sleep on many a restless night)

7. Come Away With Me --Norah Jones

8. Ten Thousand Angels --Cademon's Call

9. Somewhere Over the Rainbow --Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole

10. Hallelujah --either Jeff Buckley or Justin Timberlake (feat. Charlie Sexton) both versions are excellent

11. Old Blue Chair --Kenny Chesney (Ah, Kenny. Sigh.)

12. So You Are To Me --East Mountain South

13. Baby of Mine --Alison Krauss

14. Orange Sky --Alexi Murdoch

15. Maybe I'm Amazed --Jem

17. Rain City --Turin Brakes

18. You and Tequila --Kenny Chesney (feat. Grace Potter)

Wow ...it kinda feels like I betrayed a deep personal secret sharing that...but I know you'll enjoy it, it really is magic. Special props to Old Blue Chair ...no matter where I am or what my mood is, that song takes me to such a calm relaxed zen place, instantly transporting me to wherever I want to be. What is it about music? Crazy. Love.

Growing Pains

2012-01-19T23:40:00.001-08:00

So the past couple snow days I've been enjoying a lot of scrapbooking and season three of The OC. Don't judge. Today I watched the episode where the kids graduated from high school. I found myself shedding tears over memories. Do you remember high school graduation? It was a bit sad for me, thinking about not seeing my friends as often, and for some, perhaps never again, but mostly it was a day of sheer joy, accomplishment, and possibility. There you were, standing on the precipice of the rest of your life, looking ahead into the golden horizon. There was nothing but possibility, nothing but opportunity, nothing but good and exciting things to come. College graduation wasn't even quite the same. By then you had some life experience. You'd begun to taste reality of life as an adult, and this time when you stood on that precipice, the horizon was full of greens and blues and hues of the real world. What was ahead of you was still opportunity, but on a different scale. What was ahead of you was your life, and you had made decisions --unwittingly shutting some doors, whereas at high school graduation every single door was open to you. Granted no door can be shut permanently, but it's not realistic to keep all doors open and just stand there. At some point you have to go through a few of them, and that's what college and choosing a career path is about.

So as I lay on the couch cuddled in my blanket with my hot chocolate, snowed in with tv shows of years gone by, I shed a tear. I found myself longing for the days full of exhilarating possibility and the drive to get going to see where your life would take you. That first feeling of free-falling into adulthood that was pure adrenaline. I found myself longing for more possibility, more opportunity. And then I thought again. What you gain in those years of reality and growing up and college and life experiences is, well, experience. You gain love, you know hurt, you discover new things, new places. I had been feeling like experience was anchoring me down, making me feel smothered and claustrophobic by the lack of abounding new possibility and opportunity. But it isn't really that way, is it? I mean, yes, once you've done and seen things once, it will never be new again, but that doesn't mean there aren't new mountains to be tackled right?

The real answer I suppose is somewhere in between. I don't know that it's possible to retain that high-school graduation feeling of impenetrable hope and conquer the world spirit. After all, as you begin conquering, there is simply fewer new things to conquer. But I don't think that's all bad. You learn that there are bumps in the road, holes in the bucket, and sometimes it's hard to make them worth something. Sometimes there might not be good to be found in all of them. For the most part though, you learn that though the bumps hurt and the holes drain sometimes more quickly than we'd like, there is a beauty to be found in the experience. So you trudge on, sometimes with heavier boots than others. I think there is a challenge in finding new things and in continuing to keep a piece of that spirit with you as you learn and grow. And that, my friends, is today's thought. Happy sleeping, and good-night!

Snowmageddon

2012-01-18T04:29:00.001-08:00

That's what they're calling the winter storm hitting the Pac NW as we speak. It will give many of you great giggles to know that there is a predicted 2 inches today and 4-6 tomorrow and people have emptied out grocery stores and stocked enough fuel for their cars for the end of the world. Seriously. I went to the grocery store last night when I got off work at 0330 to get some chicken noodle soup I had been craving. The store was packed. At 0330. And there were lines at the gas station. At 0330. And it's going to be raining again in 3 days. As in the rain will wash all the snow away. The massive couple inches that will effectively shut down an entire city. No exaggeration.

You will also be glad to know that I made it safely home from work during the frightening snowmageddon. There was even two full inches of fluffy glittery snow on my car when I left work. The roads were icy and un-plowed, the snow was falling, and I have a 4-cylinder car with front wheel drive. And I do not own chains. Or snow tires --if I didn't need them in Logan, I don't need them here. And I made it home safely, up hills, and down hills, all by myself like a big girl! In all seriousness though, the following video effectively illustrates why a mere two inches of snow effectively shuts an entire city down. It was from Monday's two inches. Intersection of Boren Ave. and University St.

A few tips for my Seattle friends, and anyone else unfamiliar with driving in the snow:

If you don't have to (Drs, RNs, firefighters, police, etc) DON'T drive.
If there is even a remote possibility that you would ever simply abandon your car and start walking down the freeway, planning to come back and retrieve your car when the snow has stopped, do not even leave your house to get in your car. (I wish I was making up the fact that that's what people do here. In no more than two inches of snow.)
If you must drive in the snow, go slow.
Do not change speeds or directions quickly. Meaning don't slam on your breaks, slam on the gas pedal or make any sharp turns.
To stop on ice, pump your breaks.
To go down a hill down-shift your car. To first or second gear. Do NOT ride your breaks down the entire hill.
On second thought... just call someone who knows how to drive in the stuff. Sans chains, sans 4-wheel drive.

Quick Reply

2012-01-13T18:04:00.002-08:00

I like to think that someone was listening when I wrote yesterday's post (see below) because tonight's sunset was even better! Love.

Wisdom of Old Age

2012-01-12T23:13:00.013-08:00

I'm a worrier. I worry a lot. I worry that I'm not good enough. I worry about how my failings and shortcomings affect other people. I worry that when I tell my dad I'll call him the next day but then I forget until long after he's asleep --I worry that he thinks I forgot him, I worry that he waited and waited and waited and I let him down. I worry that I've deprived my parents of walking me down the aisle and of grandchildren, and that I've let them down, do they really know that's what I yearn for most one day? I worry that I worry too much and can be a drain on my friends and family. I worry that I'll wear them out and will be left ultimately alone. I feel bad on a personal level when I can't fix things. And so, I worry. And many may say that my worries are unfounded; That my dad clearly had more to do in his day than sit around waiting for me to call; that I'm still young; that it's not practical to fix every problem of everyone else that you come across in life. It eats away at me for hours when I miss an IV attempt on the most difficult of patients (even if I had just got the IV on the chubby dehydrated six-month old that four other people were unable to get). I know that some say that it's impossible to be perfect always, but still, I worry. And I cry, and I have a hard time sleeping. So sometimes I make lists. I make lists of all the worries swimming in my mind preventing it from silence and rest. I write them down and it sets them free. At least for the night. Sometimes I write the same thing consecutively for many days. Sometimes I write nothing, because sometimes I'm at peace with me. And that's what part of my New Year's Resolution is about. Being a more kind person --especially to myself. So I try. I try every day to trade in my worries for thoughts of accomplishments and happiness. For thoughts of blessings and good fortune.

Along those lines, I'm quite enjoying my classes this quarter. I'm taking an elective class on the assessment of the older adult. The first week of class we were assigned to read a book written by K. Eileen Allen, a 90 year old woman from Seattle, entitled "I Like Being Old." I was surprised by how much I enjoyed and related to the book. It wasn't just about how to age gracefully and avoid dependent living, it was about life lessons applicable to all ages. She states that for her happiness is finding the balance between reaching out to people and spending time with herself. I like that. She says that happiness is getting rid of the "oughts." She no longer fees bound by other people's ideas of how she should live her life or even by what she thought she "had to do" earlier in her life. What a beautiful philosphy is that?! And why do we have to wait until we're 90 to figure that out? She spends some time talking about being grateful to be aware that she's happy, and that happiness is an "inside job" after all. Love. She says, "A dazzling sunrise offers it's glory for only a few moments, and I miss the joy it brings if I don't acknowledge it right then and there." She's also realistic. I love that she no longer believes that every cloud has a silver lining --because quite frankly, sometimes, they don't. She speaks on the importance of meditation, something I'd really like to implement into my life, and perhaps this quote spoke the most to me:

"It feels good to quiet myself, be in the here and now, and not worry about what
happened yesterday or will happen tomorrow. Old perfectionist me often feels
I'm not doing a good enough job... But when I stop stewing over what's wrong,
I'm able to see my virtues more than my faults."

She concludes that "Life is a gift and a giver of gifts to be treasured and rejoiced in each day. Life is impartial, neither singling me out for special favors nor to be a victim. Being happy acknowledges the gifts of this world and living happy is up to me." So tonight as I get ready for bed instead of letting worries cloud my pretty little head, I'll write them down and let them go. I'll look at myself in the mirror as I wash my face and acknowledge that I am beautiful. I'll remember the beautiful picture from the drive home of the orange painted sky bleeding into the orange-hued lake --a crystal clear and still reflection of the surrounding shore and brilliant sky. The glistening snow-capped Olympic Mountains off in the distance. And I'll pledge to be more grateful, more aware, and more happy tomorrow. Not every cloud has a silver lining, and not every day is happy, but acknowledging the little things and the little moments that we're happy is a beautiful start.

Or Maybe Instead...

2012-01-05T20:35:00.001-08:00

I came on today with intentions of writing about feelings and things that were on my mind. I even have it all written out on paper and it's beautiful, but that's where it will stay. Do you ever with you were brave enough to put what's really on your mind out there for the world to see? Sometimes I am, but tonight is not one of those nights, and sometimes things have to be just yours I think. So instead, here's the latest thing on Pinterest that makes me giggle, Truths For Mature Humans:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment in an argument when you realize you are wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (I actually learned the answer tot his one on Martha Stewart, but it's still funny)

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (I think it was --I quite like the fancy-ness of it)

7. MapQuest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how people died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all agree to just ignore whatever comes after bluray? I don't want to have to start my collection ...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Ever.

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ****it!) But when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking great and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

20. I wish google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning back in your chair a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have a hard time locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell-phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey --but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

2011. Hmm.

2012-01-04T05:29:00.002-08:00

For me 2011 was kind of a wash of a year. Just there. Kind of like being 24. Not great, not terrible, just there. I started my second bachelors degree program, said goodbye to my dear Nellie, went to Boston form St. Patty's day, New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and Tampa for the first time. I got my CEN certification, saw my baby sister get married, fell even more in love with my nephew, and laughed a lot. Oh did I laugh. And I cried. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. Sometimes lone tears and sometimes therapeutic heaving sobs on the couch. Strong emotion of any sort will elicit one of two responses if not both from me. Tears or vomit. Sometimes one leads to another. I worried about my family, I worried about me, and I made things happen. I can't say that I've completed operation find myself yet, but I can say that I've made progress. I've read a lot, I've listened a lot, I've written a lot, and I've loved a lot. I think that one thing I'd like to resolve to work more on this year is being kind. First of all to myself, and then to others whom it is not easy to be kind to.

Why is it that we villianize people? Have you ever thought about that? Why is it easier to make someone a bad person if you don't like them? Why is it so hard to realize that it is possible for someone to be a truly good person, and be no good for you at the same time. Why do we live in a society of "or" and "but?" I think I'll work on replacing "but" with and. Few truths are mutually exclusive. Isn't that an interesting discovery about growing up? It's not "you want this to happen, but I want this to happen" it's "you want this to happen and I want this to happen." Do you see the difference? Two truths. Perhaps in complete opposition, but truths none the less. Not, I'm pretty but I'm overweight, I'm pretty and I'm overweight. There's such a keen difference! And it's okay for both sides to be true. Kind of an interesting philosophical ponderance :) It's gonna be a great year!! Also up this year are Phoenix, Georgia, NYC, Greece, graduation, and Portugal... Yay :)

Still, Still, Still

2011-12-24T16:02:00.001-08:00

Here I am, getting ready to go to work, overcome by the Christmas spirit. I quite honestly enjoy working holidays. I chose a career that doesn't stop for nights weekends and holidays. And I love it. But I wanted to leave you with a few words from my heart this most holy of holy nights. Please be safe. Love your families, love your babies. Laugh together. Enjoy being together. Wear your seatbelts when you travel to you your loved ones homes. Watch your children around pools. Cut up their food into non-chokeable pieces. Make snowmen and snow angels. Be grateful. Be grateful for your families, and for all that you have. Remember that there are many who are not with their families tonight both at home and abroad so that we can be safe and secure tonight. Remember Christ our Savior. Remember the glory of his birth. Remember all he has done for you. Remember that he loves you. Be still, sleep in heavenly peace, and Merry Christmas to all. Every one.

Over the Hill

2011-12-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I made it home to Logan, UT for my mother's 50th birthday. Getting there ended up being quite the adventure. I worked 6 days in a row, then I had given myself Thursday for a day off to clean my apartment, wrap everyone's presents and pack. So I slept in, went to my facial appointment, then slowly started getting everything ready. I went online at 4am (on Friday) to check in to my flight that was leaving at 6:25am. The confirmation code I entered gave me a message that I couldn't check in to my flight unless it was within 24 hours of the scheduled departure time. I thought I had mistakenly taken the confirmation number from my New Year's flight... So I opened my email again and imagine my horror when I realized that I had opened the correct email, but when I booked my flight I had booked it for Thursday the 15th instead of Friday the 16th. Oops. But, after a quick call to the airline and additional payment of $150 I had myself on the flight I thought I had been on all along. So I finished getting ready. I called a cab at 5am. Usually it takes 15-20 minutes from when you call until they get to your house. Today they told me it was going to be 2-5 minutes. Crap. So, I scrambled to get dressed, finish my hair, take the garbage out, and run out the door when he called. I left the living room un-vacuumed --it might not sound like a big deal, but I operate under a strict policy of having a CLEAN home before leaving on vacation. I'm talking, floors mopped, fresh sheets, laundry done, beds made, surfaces dusted, the whole shabang.

I got to the airport, and as I was putting all my sweaters, shoes, etc in the security bins I realized that I was going to Utah without a coat. I remembered my Utah shoes, and I brought two scarfs with me, but no coat. Oops. And I had to leave before finishing the rest of my brother-in-laws present. Oops. And I had left all of my diet food at home. I get sick when I eat real food after sticking to the diet plan. Oops. And I had left my mother's birthday present at home. Oops again. The whole confusion of the morning totally threw me off!!

But I made it home, and I spent Friday with my sister, then Friday night with former college roommates Jill and Kristin. Once I got off the plane, all the stress involved in getting there was instantly forgotten. We had a great time laughing and catching up. Kristin drove me back to Logan the next morning. As we drove into the valley I noticed that I had patches of goopy blurred vision. When I blinked they cleared and there were green goobers on my eyelids. Lots of them. And as we got closer to Logan, my eyes were fire-engine red, itchy, burning, and oozing green gunk. I had pink eye. Awesome. I've never had pink eye before, but there's no mistaking it when you've seen it at work countless times. So, Kristin drove me to my parents' house and we walked in. My mother was shocked and the look on her face was priceless. She didn't know I was coming home at all, and there was no way she could know about the bigger surprise that was to come! But after the hellos and the hugs, I had my father drive me to the insta-care for some anitibiotic drops. We were lucky that it was a slow day, and we were home with my prescription filled in 45 minutes. From there it was smooth sailing. My eyes were better in about 36 hours, I no longer looked like a vampire. And thank goodness for infection prevention skills I managed to love my nephew and the rest of the family without spreading my germies. I had the most amazing time with my family. They are honestly the greatest people I know. The surprise party and preparation went of beautifully and it was wonderful to see people make a fuss over my mother like she deserves. She is truly one of the greatest women in history. She's amazing. Not even the pictures can do it justice, but they're better than words. So, I've described the bad, and here's the photos of what made me forget all of that as soon as I stepped off the plane:

Boston loves his football :)

Boston's new trick --the kissey face :)

All of mom's favorite snacks

The house was PACKED with peoplem it was great!

For the record, this was not my idea, but it was pretty funny... :)

Justification

2011-12-02T18:00:00.002-08:00

Today I went on a marathon 6 hour shopping trip to a single mall (Bellevue Square) with one of my best friends. While driving home, we saw a pretty black car with black tinted windows. I said to my friend, "I really need to get my windows tinted. ...I really need to stop spending money so I can get my windows tinted" She wisely pointed out that I didn't need to feel bad about the exorbitant amount of money spent at Sephora and Victoria's Secret today, because --what good does it do you to have a hot car if you get out of it and don't look amazing? "Excellent point," I replied, "It's what's on the inside that counts." And that, my friends, is how I justified nearly $600 spent at a makeup store with the excuse that it's what's on the inside that counts.

And, in case you're wondering... this is what that much money in makeup, brushes, bubble baths, and nail polish looks like:

Truths

2011-11-23T23:42:00.004-08:00

I'm 29 and am still not sure exactly who I am.

I think that's okay.

I love what I do.

I hate my job.

I want to go home.

I miss my family so much it makes my chest hurt.

I want to go to grad school at Georgetown.

I want to go to grad school at Johns-Hopkins.

I love my family more than anything in the world.

No Thanksgiving dinner is complete without Raspberry Pretzel Salad.

Breaking Dawn was the best of the Twilight movies thus far.

It made me want to read the books again for the umpteenth time.

I will still not read Harry Potter.

I hate wearing clothes.

I refuse to listen to Christmas music before the day after Thanksgiving.

Urban Meyer at Ohio State would be amazing.

No matter how old a girl gets, she still just needs her mommy and daddy sometimes.

It is possible to passionately love and hate something simultaneously.

Music speaks in a different language to the soul.

There are too many wonderful and amazing places in this world to not be vacationing regularly.

True friendship has nothing to do with distance.

I love to crochet.

The best feeling is when you get something you didn't know you needed at the precise moment you need it.

I've had an uncontrollable urge to rake the massive amounts of fallen leaves on the side of the roads into big piles just so I can jump in them.

I've become a chemical peel junkie.

I find popping zits therapeutic.

I'm not sure why I continue to order pizza since every time I eat a bite I complain inwardly that it's not New York pizza. But I continue to eat it. All.

Best networks on television: ESPN, Discovery Channel, History Channel, A&E, The DIY Network, and Showtime --just because it has Dexter.

That's mostly it. Some serious, some funny, some light-hearted, all truths.

Where The Sagebrush GROWS!!!!!

2011-11-12T04:52:00.003-08:00

So much I could get caught up on... but the most important thing ...I miss my Aggies like crazy!!!!

The student section filled to capacity one hour before game time- 2 minutes after the doors open

What I missed in a time-lapsed nut shell

I miss the spot where the sagebrush grows!

Is it a wonder that ESPN has consistently named the Spectrum the 2nd toughest places to play in the nation?!

Once an Aggie always an Aggie. I WILL make it home for at least one game this season. Until then, my dear Spectrum, be loud, with love, Toni.

First World Problems

2011-10-11T05:51:00.004-07:00

So lately... My full time, well-paying job and third University degree (that's being obtained at no out of pocket cost to me) are exhausting me completely.

The new facebook has made it entirely more irritating to keep up on peoples' lives that I don't really care that much about to begin with --with a few exceptions of course.

The battery on my cell phone drains way too quickly, and my charger is all the way over there.

I have to wake up after a mere six hours of sleep to go to my facial appointment.

The 'hi' setting is a bit too warm and the 'lo' setting not quite warm enough on my car's heated leather seats.

I had too much food for lunch and now I'm tired.

It takes two more minutes to go to the Starbucks with a drive-through so I didn't have time to stop on my way in to work.

My GPS made me drive through the ghetto.

I'm trying to text while at a red light and I keep hitting all greens.

I can't hear the tv when I'm eating crunchy snacks.

I have to find my own husband since my culture doesn't practice arranged marriages.

The domino's pizza tracker isnt' working and now I have no idea when to put my pants on.

I accidentally clicked on iTunes and had to wait two minutes for it to open so I could close it.

I waste entire days languishing in my warm comfy bed because I can't find a good reason to get out of it.

Pretty much... I've been busy and running around doing various things and trying to keep my head above water. I find it a bit too easy to find things to complain about, and these are just a few of them. But... I'll try to be better at finding things to be grateful for and focus on those. And a still have a few things to get caught up on... Maybe later :)

Counting Down

2011-09-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

In less than 24 hours folks I will be on a flight headed for Tampa, FL. Five days of sunshine and beaches. And hopefully some amazing classes and seminars. I'm going for the Emergency Nurses Association Convention and can't wait. It will be an BEYOND needed break. I haven't gone on vacation since March... Which is a big deal for me. I need to run away, I need to be away, I need to just GO somewhere new and away. I'm afraid I've caught a bit of the smothered claustrophobia bug again. I'm feeling a run down and burned out on life and my job. And I love my job, I really do, which is why it's so hard when I hate it. So, in the words of Zac Brown Band and Jimmy Buffet, I'm gonna go "put the world away for a minute, pretend I don't live in it; Sunshine gonna wash my blues away... Mind on a permanent vacation, the ocean is my only medication, wishin' my condition ain't ever gonna go away." I'll write again soon, after I'm "knee deep in the water somewhere, got the blue sky breeze blowing wind through my hair, only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair." Sounds nice right? Be back in a minute :)

Where Were You

2011-09-11T02:25:00.002-07:00

Where were you when the world stopped turning, that September day? Thanks Allen Jackson for the inspiration for today's title. So, where were you? I'd say it's a safe bet that we all remember what we were doing that day, the minute, the hour and the rest of the day when we found out. I can tell you that I pushed the snooze button exactly twice through reports of the first tower being hit with an airplane. I can tell you ever footstep of that entire day. From the classes I attended to the songs I was working on that day in my voice lesson. That day taught us freedom, it's true meaning. That day taught us humility and unity. It taught us gratitude, it taught us what a Hero truly is. More important than where I was that day, to me at least, is what I've become since then. September 11, 2001 I was a sophomore at Utah State University hoping to get into the nursing program the next fall. I did. I had yet to fly on my first airplane flight, I had yet to see the ocean, or any place other than home and Yellowstone Park. In the ten years that have passed since that fateful day I like to think that I have fulfilled my own American dream. I've graduated from a university. Twice. I'm working on my third undergraduate degree and am anticipating my Master's Degree in the near future. I've been on a plane, I've lived by both oceans. I've lived in New York City. I've been in love, I've had my heart broken, I've found a home, I've loved , I've lost, I've lived. I've become an aunt, and a sister-in-law twice. I've bought one new car, signed one new apartment lease, and spanned the continent with places I had before only dreamed about. I've become me. I will never forget that day, I will never forget the things it taught me. I will never not be the me I learned to be.

A Photo

2011-09-09T18:33:00.005-07:00

This photo explains a lot. First of all, why I will likely not survive if someone breaks into my house to kill me. This shelf tore itself off my wall and clattered to the floor one night when I was sleeping. It used to support a glass vase full of stones, one full of wooden cherries, and wooden block letters reading 'love'. The vase with the stones shattered, sending bits of broken glass and stone everywhere. I semi-woke up to the clatter, and thought how sad it was that someone outside must have dropped something. It sounded expensive. Oops. And I went back to sleep. It also is a strange fortuitous metaphor for my life right now. Quite frankly it's been one hell of a week. Excuse my language. My 'LOVE' shelf fell off my wall, broke everywhere and I didn't have the energy to clean up all the pieces for two more days. So it just sat right where you see it. This was one of three shelves on my wall, and ironically the one that was the most secured into the wall, the one I thought was least likely to fall off. I quite enjoy redecorating. I do it often. I was not particularly attached to these shelves anymore and had actually been loosely looking for something to replace them with for quite some time. This did not stop me from sobbing as I vacuumed up the pieces. I have an inkling the tears weren't for the physical shelf and broken glass. Luckily today I had lunch with a best friend and part-time therapist (as all best friends are). We had an amazing time sitting outside at the restaurant and just catching up. Then we ventured to IKEA. Good times ensued and I came out of the store (among other things) with these:

They're clean, they're neat, they're simple, I quite like them.
And as for my live laugh love blocks, they ended up here with my other favorite:

Beauty

2011-09-06T15:16:00.001-07:00

There is something magical in the air the day after labor day. I first noticed it when I was living in New York City. There was a palpable, taste-able change in the air that appears in the middle of the night. I noticed it again on my run today here in Seattle. The air is crisp and clean. It's not cool yet, but different somehow. The air is quieter, you're able to hear the smallest of birds chirp. As I jogged along the shores of Lake Washington, a water plane made lazy circles in the sky. Commercial jetliners came and went from afar off at SeaTac, and there wasn't a boat on the water. The water was crystal clear, calm, a mirror-like reflection of the surrounding shore. The water lolled calmly against the short wooden logs that may have supported a bridge in years gone by, The sail boats were moored, lined up, and still. Even the ducks were gone. Three lone turtles bathed in the sun on a drift log a way out in the water. Mt. Rainier stood majestically in the distance, her snow capped peaks stark against the brilliant blue sky. The trees are still green, not even a summer breeze to ruffle their leaves. But still it's different. And I have to say, this summer-loving girl is excited about it.

The Bost Man's Birthday

2011-09-03T15:51:00.001-07:00

Last week was a happy happy week for the love of my life, my little nephew Boston. He turned 1 and is getting so big so fast! I love this little guy so much, and I'm so glad I got to go home for the occasion!

Timeless

2011-09-02T00:54:00.001-07:00

Great works of literature are truly timeless. I've spoke of it often lately, but this will be the last for a while. I've finally finished my journey with A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith. It is amazing to me that words written by a woman nearly a century ago still ring so true to my heart when I read them now. This is the power of well written words. Timeless literature, eternal quotes. Some truths never change, and that is oddly comforting to me at this time in my life. I've started reading books with a set of colored pencils nearby. Every time a passage speaks to me it gets highlighted. For those books I read more than once, each time through gets a different color. I'm going to leave you with the two of the last highlighted portions of the book. The first a prayer of a 15 year old girl named Francie:

"'Dear God,' she prayed, 'let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere --be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost.'"

The second a conversation between mother and daughter after a 16 year-old Francie gets her heart broken for the first time:

" 'Say something,' demanded Francie. 'Why don't you say something?'

'What can I say?'

'Say that I'm young --that I'll get over it. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and lie.'

'I know that's what people say --you'll get over it. I'd say it, too. But I know it's not true. Oh, you'll be happy again, never fear. But you won't forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.' "

The last paragraph especially. Sigh. It's true. Timeless words so eloquently spoken and woven into a story that will stay with me for a long long time. These are the reasons I'm in love with the smell of old book shops. These are the reasons I'm so passionate about losing myself in a good book whenever possible. In no other way can you completely transport yourself to another place and time. And in the best of books: quotes, paragraphs, pages that last with you for a lifetime. Not sure which of my pile of 15 books is next, but I'm excited to find out!

Idle Hands

2011-09-01T00:33:00.005-07:00

Do you ever feel like you're simply existing? I've had several moments recently where I catch myself doing things and think, "What on earth are you doing?!" Nothing is the answer. Nothing or mindless tasks that waste being awake time. How easy it is to become stagnant and complacent. How quickly a 'break' can turn into habit. There's nothing wrong with taking a little me time and with just doing absolutely nothing every once in a while. However, I generally like to fill my 'me' time with a nice walk or workout, a good book, cleaning something, etc. Tonight after I got home from a delicious sushi dinner I found myself lounging on the couch, Sportscenter on in the background, staring mindlessly at my facebook screen. I snapped out of it, and wondered why I was wasting my precious time zombied out in front of not only the tv, but my computer as well. (Don't worry, my cell phone was not far away either.) Off went the tv, away went the computer. I soon found myself in a bubble bath with the remainder of A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. It didn't take long before I found myself a teenage girl in 1910s Brooklyn, New York. A much more scintillating way to spend the evening. Much more stimulating for the mind and soul. Once I was sufficiently prune-y I wrapped myself in a fluffy warm towel recently out of the drier and finished getting ready for bed. After all, if I have nothing better to do than practice my zombie impression in front of two dimensional screens with little imagination, I may as well go to bed so I can wake up at a reasonable hour and spend some exercise time with nature :) Along these same lines, I recently committed to a triathlon next spring with a friend of mine ...yikes! But it will be good. For the times when working full time and school full time aren't enough to keep me from being too idle, I'll have more to do! Apparently it's needed. AND training for and completing the triathlon will get my bum in great shape for my 30th birthday extravaganza next summer in Greece! Who wants to look squishy in Greece?! Not this girl! Soft I'll always be, and proudly so, but no more squishy! Wish me luck folks!!

On another note... the love of my life, my sweet little nephew turned 1 yesterday!! Happy birthday little man! Look forward to pics and party info soon :)

During My Break From School

2011-08-20T04:15:00.001-07:00

"She wanted to shout it out. She could read! She could read! From that time on, the world was hers for the reading... Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories..."

From "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith (p. 166-167)

The third book I've read since the quarter ended, there are bazillions more to fit into every spare minute I have, and I'm loving it. The other one I just finished was The Freedom Writers' Diary ...amazing. I love summer breaks!!

What's on your summer reading list?

Just a Quick Note...

2011-08-14T19:05:00.001-07:00

On the therapeutic power of cleaning and organizing your living space. I've just finished deep cleaning and reorganizing one of the five rooms in my apartment, and I already feel worlds better. Not that I was feeling bad before, it's just a whole new refreshing internally-cleansing feeling. Aaaaahhhh. Feels nice :) I think I'm really going to enjoy this 6 weeks off of school. No homework, time to clean my life!! Good times.

Oh, and also... My sister started her own blog now that she's all grown up :) Check it out here:

http://scottandheidiperkes.blogspot.com

Gone Country

2011-08-14T14:10:00.002-07:00

So, in lieu of getting caught up over the past few weeks, here are the photos from the Kenny Chesney and Billy Currington concert I went to a few weeks ago. Good times, with great friends! This is the concert and the outfit that inspired this post... it was all worth it :)

Oh! And also I survived my first quarter of my BSN program!! Did you know that this year the Guinness Book of World Records named the Bachelor of Science in Nursing the most difficult of all four year degrees in the country? Pretty cool. And also, I'm registered for next quarter ...for my nursing classes and a US history class!!!! I'm way more excited about the history class than any of my nursing stuff... but it will all be good I'm sure. Can't wait!

Oh! And also ...again ...I'm thoroughly enjoying my new car :) It's a 2008 Altima... great stuff!

A Sad, Sad, Sad Day

2011-08-04T23:23:00.004-07:00

Dear Nellie,

I hope you know that when I kissed you goodbye today I did so with a tear in my heart, even though there was not one on my cheek. I cried all those out yesterday when I found out I was going to have to let you go. You've been my best friend for a long time, and I'll miss you terribly. Oh, the fun we had together! Remember the day you were first new and we went to the Sky View soccer game to show you to my friends Jenny, Becky, and Kristy? They've all grown up now and have families and children of their own, but last time I saw Kristy she asked about you. Remember how cool it was to finally park in the high school parking lot? That was the first place I locked your keys inside you --definitely not the last place :) Remember when I drove you to my High School graduation? The first of three graduation ceremonies you saw me through. And oh, the first day of college when you got to stay and play with all the other cars in the parking lot? That was pretty great. remember the time we went with Jill on a trip to San Francisco on a whim to see the Yankees play? Lol, and remember how your sun visor decided to fall off on the way there? And I know some people think we were lost in SanFran, especially when we ended up on the other side of the bay at the naval base, but I know you really knew where we were the whole time. And we went to Boise and Reno so many times to watch our Aggies play, those were the best! Remember the trip to New Mexico?! Our treats spilled on the pavement of the gas station after we stopped to feed you dinner, and that crazy lady tried to help us? Remember how at that same gas station in the middle of nowhere southeast UT I left your keys locked inside you again on the way home? That turned into a long night... Remember when you drove me to the temple for the first time for myself? I do.

Then there was the day we left for our longest journey. You probably remembered that I was crying and scared as we left our home for New York. I don't think you could have carried one more single thing for me and Heidi. We had you packed pretty full, and you carried it all without one single complaint. It was a long drive, but my GOODness we had some amazing memories on that trip. Remember ALL that corn in Nebraska? Remember Iowa and that crazy driver in Pennsylvania? Remember crossing the bridge into Manhattan, our favorite city in the world? Remember that time we ran a stop sign to go the wrong way on a one way street, then ended up lost in queens? Remember how hysterically we were laughing and hoping we didn't die?! And how everyone was so shocked to see your license plates from Utah? You were a first for them, that's for sure. Remember the trip home with Danielle? You had an unplanned stop for us in the middle of nowhere Iowa, but it turned into a comical story, so it was ok in the end. We had a pretty good month in Utah at home before we set out for our next destination, Orange County California. I remember how much you liked it there in the warm sunshine, and you even had your own garage! Pretty fancy! Remember the amazing drive up the Pacific Coast Highway, our favorite road in the whole country? Words can't describe how great that was. I'm glad you were there to share it with me. Then, you brought me to Seattle. I know you remember Seattle and all the fun we had there. Remember how much fun it was living so close to Pike Place Market and the ferries? Remember how I told you all about the new friends I was making, and how I thought I was falling in love? Remember when my first kiss with him was right next to you?

Remember how Heidi came up to drive with us back to UT? It's a good thing she was there that time too, because there sure were a lot of tears on that trip too. Hysterical even perhaps, but you never minded, you just were quietly always there. After that I you got to have a vacation in Utah for a while with Aunt Heidi and Uncle Cody while I went back to Manhattan. I wanted to bring you, but I didn't want you to get hurt on those crazy roads, and I know you'd feel bad if I spent so much money to leave you parked there while I was at work. Besides, you took good care of Cody and Heidi, they needed someone like you to watch out for them while they were on the road. And I came back to you. I was so glad to see you again, I remember we just drove up the canyon for a while together! Then we headed back to the Pacific Northwest where we made our home. I know you liked it here as much as I do. You had a pretty great little car port to protect you from the rain. And remember the time it snowed and everyone was amazed that you and I made it up the hill to work together in all that ice with cars all off the side of the roads? I never had any doubt that we'd make it. We always have, we showed them! Silly Seattle drivers anyway. I know you were a little sad when we had to give up your Utah license plates for the Washington ones, but after I assured you I wouldn't become the typical terrible crazy WA driver everyone else with those plates had, you were ok. Besides, I saved your Utah ones in my closet, so they were never really gone. Remember the time I drove you from our house in Seattle to Kristy's house in Idaho then to Mom and Dad's in Utah and your tire was making that awful noise the whole way, then we found out that the ball joint was completely shredded? But we still made it the whole way!! The mechanics were surprised, but not me! You always came through.

But there was more than all that. You've been with me for so long, I can't begin to type all the memories we've had. But I treasure every one of them. You held me as I laughed with joy and screamed in frustration. You held me when I had my breakdown the weekend after my best friend's dad died. All I needed to do was cry that day in the parking lot, and you let me lean my forehead on the steering wheel and do just that. You were my escape when I needed to get away. We'd just go; through town, up the canyon, to the beach, where ever, just you and me. We had eleven years of amazing memories. Eleven years, can yo believe it?! Why do all good things have to come to an end? I'm not sure, but I know that they must. So you go your way to car-heaven, and think of me often as I will think of you. You've been a great friend and a great companion, and you will not be forgotten. It broke my heart to even think of having to leave you at that service center, but I know you'll be happy, and you've lived a long and full life. So with that kiss goodbye on your door frame I left you. If you would have been alive I know you would have been confused and hurt, but I trust that you are in a better place now. After all, if dogs go to heaven, I'm sure cars do to!

Your Friend, with much love,
Toni

My Legal Experience

2011-08-03T11:38:00.001-07:00

So... I just survived my first meeting with prosecuting and defense attorneys. SCARY!! Although not as bad as I was anticipating. I just kept hearing the reassuring words of a co-worker of mine over and over in my head, "Just remember you're the expert witness. You're the expert." Thanks to Meghan for the reassuring reminder :) One of the side-effects if you will of my job, being a witness on legal cases that we see. In this instance the alleged incestual rape of a 17 year old girl I took care of a couple years ago. (Yeah, a couple years! Thank goodness for good charting!!) And ...might I say ...there are some fine looking people walking around the county prosecutor's office! Glad I dressed up!

Outside...

2011-07-31T20:32:00.001-07:00

There are times when nothing is more therapeutic for a girl that some time spent in solitude with nature. Time to reflect on one's own small-scale in the grand scheme of things.

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you ...while cares will drop off like Autumn leaves." --John Muir

Such was my nature therapy mini-road trip last weekend to the Olympic Peninsula. There is just something about being outside in the fresh air away from the stress of life and the chaos of urban life that is just good for the soul. And oh, to see the ocean again!!! Now, I live in Seattle, land of mystical lakes rivers and forests with the majesty of the Puget Sound, but it's been quite some time since I've seen the actual ocean. Like, with actual waves, and an actual beach! It was a much needed break.

Heidi's Wedding

2011-07-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

Better late than never, and a picture is worth a thousand words... so here is 13,000 words on my sister's wedding (plus a few). It was the most perfect day, everything was beautiful and wonderful and I couldn't be more happy for my wonderful sister and new brother-in-law!

me and my brother

Logan Temple grounds ...so pretty!

My lil' Bosty

the happy couple coming out of the temple

me and my favorite newpew

such a stud

Heid and her two bffs getting ready for the reception

my madre, me, and my wonderful aunt

my super hot shoes

I'm not sure why these are sideways ...they weren't when I uploaded them and now I can't fix it...

Best of all things to the both of you. I love you forever and always!!

A Day in the Life

2011-07-20T18:38:00.002-07:00

A small glimpse into my typical day off ...and a small glimpse (sans vacations) into why I'm still driving the same car I've had since high school and don't have a house yet. So I woke up today and knew that I had to do one thing. I had to get something cute and western-ish chic for the Kenny Chesney concert I'm going to on Friday with a couple girlfriends. I got ready for the day and realized that I was nearly out of my Hope in a Jar moisturizer... fabulous stuff. So I decided that I'd stop by Sephora quick at the mall, then head to a quaint little western-wear shop in hopes of finding a cute snappy shirt and a looked-worn cowboy hat.

On the way to the mall, I realized that the easiest mall entrance to get to Sephora was through the Borders store. And I had to pick up a book for my Healthcare and Immigration class called 'Like Water for Chocolate.' Perfect. So I park, go into Borders, pick up my requisite paperback and head toward the checkout. Past the children's books. Well, maybe I'll see if they have anything cute for my nephew since last time I was in. They didn't. But then I had to walk back toward the cash register past the book-club favorites and staff favorites section. Always dangerous, but I did exercise some self control since I have a pile of 13 (seriously, I just counted them all) books that I've picked up and need to read when I have time to read something in addition to required reading for school. I love books. I love book stores. I could spend hours and thousands of dollars getting lost among the aisles and piles and stacks of imagination and wonder-land of eras gone by, lands far away, etc. But I made it through. Right into the medical reference section. And I though, "Well, they're now giving us an additional $1.35/hr raise for each certification we get at work... I have my CEN (certified emergency nurse), I'm working on my CPEN (the pediatric version) ...why not pick up a study guide for the CCRN (critical care nurse)?" So I did. Really, it was just being economical right? Since it's going to help me earn more money and be a better nurse that thing will essentially pay for itself! Ps, I'm not the person to talk you out of buying anything...

I made it to the check-out line with my measly two items ...a rarity for me, and left the store. Down the escalator past the Auntie Anne's pretzel shop --an act of self control in and of itself --and into Sephora. Land of my needed moisturizer. I made it all the way to the favorite mascara rack before i stopped --two feet into the store. It was also probably time for some new mascara. So I picked up my favorite DJV lengthening mascara (my fav ...after MUCH personal research). But then I saw that DJV had a new mascara out ...why not try it?! I mean it's a thickening one, so i can always layer it with the other for going out occasions if I don't fall in love with it on it's own. So I picked that up too. I walked past the long display of brushes (another weakness of mine) and made it to the philosophy section where I picked up my moisturizer and my moisturizer only. Proud of myself for only two unplanned purchases, I made my way past the toenail polish section to the checkout and left the store. Self control points for me for not going in to White House Black Marked (my all time favorite store ...like, ever. Ever. Favorite. Love.) and for not going in to pumpkin patch ...my favorite kiddo couture store to get presents for my nephew. He still hasn't grown into the last batch of summer clothes i bought anyways, and they don't have their fall stuff in. They would have emailed me. So I made it out of the mall with only one unplanned store and four unplanned purchases ...see how I reward myself :) Trust me, it could have been worse.

On the way out of the mall, I drove past a Bed Bath and Beyond store and decided that I needed to go in and pick up a crock pot. I've been craving this Italian chicken that one of my college roommates used to make, and it has to cook in a crock pot. So really, that purchase was necessary too. Done and done. A little bit further down the road away from the mall is a scrub store where I get my work scrubs. I realized that I lost my trauma shears the other day and should pick up a pair before I go back in this weekend. So I stopped. And picked up my needed trauma shears. And three new pairs of scrubs. Which I needed because some of the 16 pair that I already have are getting worn. Yes, I already have 16 pair. And I only work four days a week. But like I said, some of them are looking slightly worn... besides, they had new stuff!

On to the western-wear store I go. Where I picked up a darling pink and grey 3/4 sleeve western chic shirt that snaps up the front with a cute lacy cami to go underneath it and a darling cowboy hat. Exactly what I was looking for. Perfect! And I left that store ...the cami the only semi-unplanned purchase, but not really since it's part of the shirt that I was going to buy.

On the way home from my final store of the day I realized that I left my flip flops that i was planning on wearing to the concert at my friends house on the coast. Better stop by target to get some more that will match my new shirt! And while I'm at it... better get some new denim capris to complete the ensemble! And ooh ... bread sticks ...better get some for dinner! Shopping trip complete!!!

Moral of the story. My planned shopping trip for three items totaling $130.00 ended up being a 13-item excursion totalling... $495.00. And I don't feel bad about it at all. That my folks is how it's done :)

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

2011-07-06T01:17:00.002-07:00

How could I have not gotten a single picture of the barbecued hamburgers with all the trimmings? Goal for next time :)

There's no place like home for the Holidays...

2011-07-03T23:07:00.003-07:00

The 4th of July is my very favorite holiday and the one that I'm the most homesick for if I'm not with my family. I got to be home this weekend because my sister was getting married. She had pretty good timing :) The holiday is all about patriotism, family, parades, and sunshine. To me this is the life that so many have shed blood sweat and tears for. This is the life that lives have been laid down for. A life of freedom, a life of happiness and sunshine. Our bravest and finest have fought and still fight each day to protect our way of life. I can't not tear up over a grand fireworks display accompanied by the tones of a patriotic melody. I've shared my feelings on my most favorite of holidays here and of course, here. Rather than share more sentimentality, I thought I'd share a bit of what makes Logan my favorite home to be in for the holiday. First the sunshine. Pools, family, picnics, etc. And oh, those mountains. My beautiful mountains.

Me, Chelsea, Boston, and Heidi soakin' up the sun

Yours Truly

I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of fireworks for a few different occasions. But to me the greatest fireworks will always be the ones at Romney Stadium in Logan UT done by Fireworks West. I think part of it is the sentimentality, but in all honesty, they do a GREAT job!!! Some of my greatest summer memories from my childhood involve laying on the football field with my family watching the fireworks overhead. They were so close that I was sure they were going to fall in my lap. If we weren't in the stadium we were all huddled on a piece of grass somewhere nearby. Laughing playing, then silenced when the skies lit up. We'd have our car door open and the program was broadcast over local radio. We'd ooh and aah and occasionally sing along to the instrumental accompaniment of the songs we knew. As I got older I'd even torture my family with talk of the chemical composition of the fireworks and the different ions that made the different colors. I'm sure they were grateful :) But the fireworks were still an occasion looked forward to, the days counted down. Some things never change.

Me and my Papa ...clearly the one I get my good looks from :)

My momma, her cousin Bonnie and Duane

The other thing that means Logan on the first weekend of July is the Cruise-In. It's a giant car show filled with amazing restored vintage cars. They're on display at the fairgrounds all weekends and there's bands, sno-cones, food, and all sorts of fair-type fun. This year the Beach Boys were even in concert! Saturday night they have a parade where all the vintage cars drive up and down main street. Awesome.

'67 Mustang

The original Batmobile! Complete with .50 cal WWII vintage machine guns!

'54 Corvette

'54 Porsche 1600s --same as the car on Top Gun :)

'65 GTO

The rest of my weekend was engrossed in wedding-ness. That will be another post later. I also still have more family-fun-parade-and-picnic pictures for later, but this folks, is Logan on the first weekend of July. The only place to be :)

Quick Catch-up

2011-06-30T15:09:00.001-07:00

Hi all!! So... I'm working on figuring out how this business of working 40 hours a week and going to school thing is going to work. And I've been busy getting wedding stuff done for my sister who's getting married this weekend :) But I'm going to be better about keeping on top of my blogging world. Which is why I'm posting updates for the last week before the actual wedding postings begin. But my goodness it is nice to be back home in UT with the beautiful blue skies and sunshine. And my family is great too :) In fact, I spent the whole morning with my sweet nephew and sisters at the pool. Good times! And isn't he just a doll?!

So, school. School was good. It's going to take a lot of remembering how to sit for extended periods of time. My first class is a critical thinking in nursing class, and I'm also taking a health topics class on healthcare and immigration. Both should be interesting, and I can already tell that I'm going to love my critical thinking teacher. The other ...is going to take some work, but the class should be interesting. I've already written my first two assignments, and I've found that slipping back into professional writing was quite seamless --thank goodness, because there will be much more to come. We got to do papers on our personality tests that we took, and that was a fun bit of introspective learning. I was a tie between the 'teacher' and 'counselor.' Both are less than 2% of the population, so I'm a rare gem indeed ;) I agreed with most of the assessments, about how people are my main focus and how I like to get the best from people and I tend to idealize life and relationships ...if they had any idea! But it's been fun so far, and I can't wait to keep going and learning. That's what I miss more so than anything. I love the learning. I love the University atmosphere. I love the opportunity and the spirit of limitless skies that surrounds it. I'm missing my second day of class (we only go one day a week) in light of the upcoming wedding festivities, but I'll have a collection of homework to do in the meantime. Until then, I'm excited for nest week!!

Back to School, Back to School...

2011-06-22T16:53:00.005-07:00

Today as I was lounging on my couch I came to the sudden realization that I am going to school tomorrow. Clarification, I realized that I was starting classes tomorrow. I had yet to realize until that moment however, that I was going back to school. As in clothes shopping-supply stocking-backpack packing-lay out your outfit for the next day before you go to sleep- back to school. Remember how you'd have all your new school clothes that you weren't allowed to wear until school started, so you'd organize them in your closet according to the order you were going to wear them in? You had everything planned for weeks in advance.

My how times have changed. I realized in my couch-lounging epiphany that I don't even own a backpack. Or a single sheet of paper, let alone a notebook. I have several pens, but they're for work. So today, just more then 12 hours before my first class starts I made a trip to Target. I had to get a notebook and a pack of pens, and just for good measure I got a new jump drive. For a backpack I think I'll just use my laptop case since each desk/station is laptop equipped with all the plug-ins. Like I said, my how times have changed. Gone are the days of pencil boxes and lunch boxes with a matching thermos. On second thought, maybe I'll pick up a pencil box and lunch box after all. And some new crayons.

Today's Rant

2011-06-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's the thing. What the eff is going on in the world?! Ryan Dunn drinks and drives with buddies and tragedy ensues? Shocking. Not really. This happens every day. Tragic? Absolutely. Surprising? No. You make mistakes, you do stupid things and bad things happen. Let's just say that it's a good thing that innocent people weren't killed as well. Because that is true tragedy. And I see it every day. There is nothing worse than explaining to parents, children, loved ones of innocent people who have been killed and/or maimed because of others' decisions to drink and drive. It is sad to loose a single life to bad decisions, no matter who's life it is. I'm by no means perfect. I make bad decisions, I do things I know I shouldn't. So let's let this servo as a reminder to society to be a little smarter, and make RESPONSIBLE decisions. It's a novel concept in our society, I know. Actually having to pay the consequences of your actions? It's crazy I know. But the fact is that we are free to make whatever decisions we may. We are not free however to choose the consequences that go with those decisions. It's a package deal.

Also, Amy Winehouse? You mean rehab for a week didn't work? Weird. Terribly sad. I'm very fortunate that I have people around me that support positive decisions and expect excellent things from me. That expect me to be a positive responsible member of society. I wish those involved in these stories --and in the ones like them across the country that don't get splayed all over the news-- health, healing, and better decision making and coping skills in the future. And that is my soap box for the day.

To My Dad

2011-06-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

I will never forget the times we've spent. The early mornings filled with Smurfs and PeeWee Herman. The evenings filled with "Your-ami" Vice and "Dukes" I'll never forget the hours spent over a coloring book ...and how you never minded when I made you switch pictures halfway through. I'll always remember the countless towers made of blocks and races of the cars around the track. The way you'd watch movies with me, or watch movies while I rocked away in my rocking chair singing the words to some Alabama song or "All My Ex's" at the top of my lungs. I'll always remember our Saturday morning drives to go get a pepsi and how you'd listen to and encourage my every rambling word. I'll never forget the lessons you taught me. Lessons learned by example. You taught me the value of hard work and of taking care of the things you are blessed with. Because of you I knew and still know that I can be whatever I want to be. I'm so very blessed to have a dad who encourages and supports me at every turn. Remember when we'd drive down the road --perhaps to get a pepsi or two --and I'd proudly read the words to EVERY word on EVERY sign we passed? Haha! And you never complained, or bid me silent, just marveled at how brilliant your daughter was. From you and The Happy Man and His Dump Truck I learned to love reading and learning. I'm sure you still have nightmares of the little fat man coming to take you away in his truck with his animals, I made you read it so very often. But I remember. Because of you and Mom I know what it is to be loved and to be cherished. I'm grateful that you loved me enough to expect excellence from me. You've always seen in me things that are sometimes hard to see in myself, and it means the world to me that you are there for me still. Even today, far away and grown, I often long to be at home with my dad. I miss you every day. And my favorite moments in life are when I can come home to visit and we sit and laugh and chat. Or "watch" a movie ...depending on which one of us can stay awake :) I love calling you to share the latest joke or just to see how your day is going when we haven't talked for a while. I love you and wish you the happiest of days on today, your father's day!!

Sniper Lessons

2011-06-16T20:34:00.001-07:00

So while running around (Ok standing at the desk trying to do a million things at once) at work yesterday I overheard a conversation between two coworkers. One of our physician assistants was giving advice to one of our techs on a recent fire dept interview that he'd had. The tech was frustrated with how things had gone. The PaC (who happens to be retired Army Special Forces/Las Vegas Metro PD/SWAT) was explaining to him that he can't let it linger with him on his upcoming interview this weekend. He said, "Man, that round's already down range. You can't do anything about it now, the only thing you can do is use the experience on the next shot to be fired. You can't take a bullet back once it's been sent down range. You can't change the direction or trajectory, so it does you no good to continue worrying about where it landed." I like this philosophy.

Uh-oh

2011-06-15T06:05:00.003-07:00

Today's horoscope (according to the app on my phone) reads as follows:

Mood:
Beware of moon opposite sun that will hurt your morale. You will feel a bit depressed and will seriously lack motivation.

Love:
Your heart will not be ready to feel something. All the people you will meet today will appear boring and insipid.

Career:
You will carry out your tasks without much conviction, and you are not trying to stand out

Wellness:
Here you are again brooding over your past and your disappointments, torturing yourself for nothing that deserves it.

Welp, this doesn't bode well for my going to work today --time to call in sick?! Lol, man this one really hit the nail on the head today. Of course it is my 6th night of 6 shifts in a row, so in general I will find everyone boring and insipid. I have been zapped of motivation and my tolerance level for stupidity has been met and exceeded around day two. Day six is almost comical in this regard :) I am indeed in kind of a generally numb unfeeling mood. As for the brooding over the past... I have no excuse. It's what I do on occasion. And I'm ok with it for today. Because underneath it all, I know that I am indeed a rock star both destined for and in the midst of greatness. Here's to being kind to and accepting ourselves today!

The thing is...

2011-06-09T23:14:00.003-07:00

Hi all! Sorry I've been so quiet lately. I've been busy with a multitude of fairly menial tasks, and well, quite frankly, my internal dialog has been quite monotonous and repetitive. Pretty much I just haven't had much new/inspiring/colorful/entertaining to say :) I've been busy with work, and with getting ready for my sister's wedding (read scheduling hair cut/color/blowout appointments), and with the day to day 'housekeeping' sort of tasks that if not kept up on will overwhelm your life with clutter. It's amazing how the little things can pile up and how freeing it is when you actually accomplish them! I only have three more appointments to schedule before the weekend and I'll be all caught up. Oh, and I need to back up my computer, save all my photos to discs, download my free windows 7 and microsoft office 2011 upgrade, and update my anti-virus software. And I need to download netflix, update the apps on my phone, update my starbucks card, and I just saw an app store for my computer? Hello angry birds on my 17" screen!! (menial tasks like I said, but there's a bazillion of 'em) Phew. In addition I've officially become a card carrying University of Washington Husky. That's right folks, school officially began with orientation this week (hence the free windows 7 and microsoft office updates). And I made it official by stopping by the bookstore and picking myself up some purple gear --purple plaid lounge-y pj bottoms and a purple comfy cotton jammie tshirt. Purple will never replace Aggie blue, but I'm doing this new thing where I stay in the 'present' of my own life :) The other thing I accomplished this week was the passing of my Certified Emergency Nurse (CEN) exam. It's kind of like taking the nursing boards again only its all specific to emergency care. Something like only 2% of emergency nurses have this certification, so it's kind of a big deal. But also sad for our profession, no? Only 2%?

Now that we know what I've been up to... I still don't really have any thoughts of my own to share. I've been in a SaTC marathon mode, contemplating the status of my life and relationships and goals. Like I said earlier, monotonous and repetitive :) However, today I was inspired by words of a dear friend. She had the following to say:

We are more afraid of how great we can be than that we are nothing; more afraid to be truly loved, than rejected; More afraid of true friends, than of fake ones; More afraid of what we can do and handle, than what we can't. We don't want to see what we can do and be, have and love because it comes at a higher greater cost. True friends, true love, true greatness comes as a great and wonderful gift, but at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty. To love someone enough to be willing to die for them, is also to love them enough to be willing to live for them, which may actually be more difficult. To truly care means to know you will feel and share as much pain as you do joy that isn't your own or about you. To know you are great and capable is to know you have no excuse for not doing all you can and should, and to be left with out an excuse is scary. To know you are great and loved, and to love, is to know that you MUST give your ALL, no matter the cost, or stand as if naked before God and face the consequence of not doing what you could, when He gave you everything you needed to accomplish all he asked of you. --Mandi M.

So very true, and reminded me of my favorite Nelson Mandela quote. The part that I loved was that true friends, love, and greatness come at the cost of greater responsibility, sacrifice, faith, trust, and duty. Isn't that so true? The thing about having it all and actually reaching for all that we are capable of is that you have so much more to loose. That's where the fear comes in. It's not that I'm afraid to be truly loved in and of itself, it's that I'm afraid that once I have that again I'll loose it again. When you achieve great things and risk great things to put yourself in great places you have a lot further to fall, a lot more to risk, a lot more to loose. It's easier to stay in the comfort of the familiar and stagnant than the sometimes scary land of growth, progress, and greatness. Not better, but easier. So here's to pushing ourselves. To standing a little taller, being a little better, and as Harriet Tubman once said, "Always remember you have within you the strength, the patience, the passion to reach for the stars. To change the world."

Perspective

2011-05-31T03:47:00.002-07:00

You need to watch this video. So very true. Sorry that you have to click a few buttons to get there, but it's worth it. (This is funny after you see the clip)

Everything's awesome and nobody's happy!

Yearning

2011-05-25T05:03:00.003-07:00

Today is a wistful day. I find myself yearning for New York more than normal today. A vacation is definitely long overdue, perhaps I'll need to make it sooner than anticipated. I yearn for every second of New York. I long for the magic of the theater, the bustle of the streets, the quiet rumble of the subway, the rushed hurry, the palpable pulse in the air and in the ground. I miss the serenity of the park, the splendor of the buildings. I miss the brownstones and tree lined streets. I miss the Macys. I miss the people. I miss my 15th floor pre-war apartment building with the character, walls, and doors that speak of an era gone by. I miss my river view. I miss the way it rains in New York. I miss the way the clouds come so close to the buildings that the skyline is shadowed on them, casting an eerie and yet comforting flow around the city. I miss the breeze, I miss wearing scarfs and pea coats. I miss the humid heat, I miss carrying a big bag with my life and a change of shoes in it. I miss the trauma of the Bronx and Harlem. I miss the sirens, I miss the horns, I miss the people. I miss the smell of the hot dog stands and the bagels. I miss the fresh fruit stands. What I wouldn't give for a chicken salad sandwich on a roll with lettuce and tomatoes from Hamilton's Deli. I miss the quaint book stores and shops. In my mind I'm again sitting over lunch on a sidewalk cafe with friends. I'm at an outdoor jazz festival at Lincoln Center There is nothing New York that I'm not craving today.

The first time I went to NYC I was hooked. There is something truly magical about the city that was instantly under my skin and a part of me. For months and years after returning from my week long vacation I would see clips or scenes of movies/tv shows/commercials on tv and I had a literal pulling deep in my gut. New York was calling me, reaching for me, beckoning me. When I moved there, sure I was nervous of the unknown at first, but mostly I just felt at home. I left when the time was right for me and I knew it. I never could have made the break if it wasn't so. And since I've left I've had a constant ache for the city. Most days it's a dull roar in the background. Days like today it's as blunt and as in the forefront as my initial withdrawal. Sigh. So a vacation is due. Until I make it back, New York I miss you, and I dream of you day and night. Seattle still has my heart, and I learned long ago that I follow my heart, but my soul will always be in New York.

Old Age

2011-05-17T03:51:00.002-07:00

My short term memory is not what it once was. I went in to my hair appointment today and left my cellphone in the car. I realized this as I was already changed into my robe and waiting for my stylist. I figured the bliss of hair day would get me through the anxiety over not having it. I was correct. But when I was done I could not wait to rush to my phone and see that no one had called/messaged/emailed. Why are we so attached to these things anyways? It was only an hour, good grief. But i am. Terribly. I admit it.

But then later, I was halfway to work when I went to reach for my phone in my purse and realized I had left it plugged into the charger at home. Not enough time to go back and still be on time. It'll be good for me I thought, to survive an entire night at work without my phone (read: calculator, translator, and break time entertainment). It gets worse though, I got to work and realized that I also left my watch at home!!!!! This is for sure not ok! My goodness, I'm getting old. My short term memory definitely isn't what it once was! :)

In other news ...after I got my hair done today I went to get my official WA drivers license. The driver's licencing office was a special experience...

Narcissism

2011-05-09T14:42:00.004-07:00

Thank goodness for spell checker ...that's a tough word to spell. Anyways, my name is Toni and I am a vapid narcissist. It's true. I come to realize this more and more. The most recent case in point was the holiday weekend. I spent the entire weekend in somewhat of a melancholy state. You see, I love my mother, and I love my family, and I miss them terribly. And on holidays especially such as this one it is quite hard for me to be so far away. This was not the main reason behind my mood however. You see, I realized that the mother's day holiday is a weekend long celebration and reminder of the thing I have failed at most in life. Yes, that's right, it's always about me :) See, you thought I was kidding about the narcissism...

Don't get me wrong, I love mothers, they absolutely get their own special day and deserve so much more. I in fact find it somewhat ...offensive? That people who are not mothers are lumped in this category. Let's celebrate the day for what it is. Motherhood. A day for the most noble most challenging and most rewarding profession there is. A day for the people who are primarily responsible for the raising and nurturing of little ones, no matter what their age is. Mothers that are and mothers that were, and the mothers that have given birth and then given the gift of motherhood to someone else. I'm an aunt and an auntie, I'm a role model (of sorts, or so I'm told), I'm a friend, and I am a pretty big deal in general (thanks Mindy :) ). I'm an important person, and I do many great things and I love many people, but I am not a mother. Not yet.

I yearn for this and look forward to the day when the blessing of wife and mother becomes mine. I struggle at times to remember that I am still young and clearly not ready or it would have happened already. For goodness' sake!! I'm only 28 years old!!! Life is great, and life is an amazing adventure and I revel in the things I learn every day and in the experiences and adventures that are mine and mine alone. As a dear friend reminded me yesterday (after a text inquiring if I was the only one feeling like the weekend was a glaring reminder of my failure in the area) I have not failed. I haven't attempted yet. And I still have so many more great and wonderful experiences to discover. Many more days to prepare me to be the best wife and mother I can be. I have a lot to live up to in the example of my mother and the many great mothers that surround me, and I certainly don't want to rush.

I'm not saying I want this now, the thought of it puts me in a certain state of panic... So why the melancholy? I don't know. Cultural/religious expectations born and bred into me? Maybe just because I'm a girl and let's face it, girls are crazy :) But someday for sure. For there truly is no more noble and blessed calling than that of mother.

One more follow up thought...

2011-05-03T16:11:00.004-07:00

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now this man was greater than I in many aspects. And while I don't think I'm quite here yet (not just in light of recent events but in general) I think it's where I'd like to be; what I'd like to work toward. I'm not a "true love conquers all" person, and I'm definitely not saying that "make love, not war" is the solution, nor do I want to be. Quite honestly I think both mottos are a load of crap. But I think it has more to do with attitude. Gratitude always, striving for humility, and still and always a firm believer in justice. But justice does not need to be boastful or prideful.

I'm a firm believer that war is a necessary evil. I am an avid supporter of our military, our government and their efforts. Our military men and women are truly heroes. But in my personal life, for me myself here at home, I love the saying from one of my favorite Broadway musicals, RENT. The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation. Create good things. Create positivity. And do so to support the war and the noble cause behind it. For conquer we must, when our cause it is just. And this be our motto, in God is our trust.

*quote ammended :)

)

Freedom Is Not Free

2011-05-02T04:14:00.004-07:00

Nearly ten years ago I can still tell you nearly every step of my day. From pushing the snooze button twice, to going to my early morning microbiology lab and the rest of my classes, to the voice lesson I went to, I can even tell you the songs I was practicing that day. I can tell you where I sat in the TV room glued to the news before I had to go to my induction to the National Society of Collegiate Scholars ceremony. I can tell you every minute of that day better than if it was yesterday.

Now I can tell you where I was when I heard the news today that Osama Bin Laden was captured and killed. I was on break at work. At work at a career that I was working hard to obtain the education for when this war on terror began (I was not even finished with my prerequisites for the nursing program when this all began). I was sitting next to a Marine, both of us glued to the TV in silence. A marine who's entire 8 year military career took place in the time after the beginning of the war on terror, and ending before the mastermind was captured. A marine who's two tours of duty culminated in an unintentional flight in a hum-vee resulting in a broken neck and purple heart. He finished the tour of duty with a broken neck in Iraq in a hard collar. I hugged him and we sat cuddled on the break room couch watching the news. I texted my friend who is in airborne combat medic training for the army in Texas. He hadn't heard the news yet so I called to give the details.

I am reminded on this day that Freedom truly is not free. The blood, sweat, and tears of thousands have been shed for what we gained today. So that I can go to sleep safe in my bed with one less terrorist in the world. While it is a large step and closure for many people, we're not done yet. I said to my Marine friend, "I hope we make it through the inevitable retaliations with as little loss as possible." He looked at me and said "We'll be fine. They'll be fine." Meaning the servicemen and women who are beating down doors and living in sweltering miserable conditions as I type this very post from the comfort of my living room.

Gratitude, patriotism, and a certain amount of anxiety fill my heart tonight. Anxiety for my friends and thousands that I don't know who still lie in threat and harms way. Threat and potential harms possibly to get worse? I also can't help but yearn to be in New York with "my people" tonight. I've shared before that I often feel disjointed because my heart is in Seattle, my soul resides in New York City, and my mind with with my sweet little nephew back home. Today is one of those times. I feel a need to be in New York, the ultimate place of closure for today's news. I feel a need to hug a fireman. And a Navy Seal. And my parents. And I pray for the continued blessings and support of our servicemen and women who continue to give so much to ensure the freedom and safety of so many.

Now I lay me down to sleep...one less terrorist this world does keep...with all my heart I give my thanks...to those in uniform regardless of ranks ...you serve our country and serve it well...with humble hearts your stories tell... so as I rest my weary eyes...while freedom rings, our flag still flies...you give your all, do what you must, with God we live and God we trust...Amen!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --US Declaration of Independence

Keys and Other Nostalgia

2011-04-29T19:24:00.005-07:00

It's a fairly well known fact that I don't function well in the mornings. It's also a fairly well known fact that I tend to procrastinate when possible. So by way of quick lead-in to the point of the story... I can't go to work if I don't renew my Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) certification before it expires on the last day of the month. I hate taking these renewal classes. It's roughly the equivalent of a required training for the people who flip the burgers at McDonalds. If that's your job, it's what you do all day, and you get pretty good at it since it's a skill you do every day when you're at your job. Now imagine that everyone who works at McDonalds has to take the hamburger flipping training every two years. Even the people who just wash the floors. It can get quite painful for the people who spend the large majority of their time at work doing what is taught in the class to sit through 8 hours with people who don't do it ever, but still in the class. Both groups work at McDonalds, both are important, but I'm sure you see what I'm getting at. So, since I am terrible at doing things a) I'm told I have to do and especially b) I don't like doing I put this class off until the last possible minute. End result, I had to get up at 0400 this morning to drive to the only remaining class in the area before the end of the month; in Portland, OR.

Fine. It was my doing, and I haven't taken a good road trip for a while, and I've never actually been to Portland, so it's gonna be fine. I get up on time and leave on time and all is well. It is a BEAUTIFUL drive from Seattle to Portland! I loved every minute of it. I got to the class about half an hour early and decided I'd stop at the gas station nearby to get some bottled water before going in. I came out of said gas station with my 2 bottles of water, and realized I didn't know where my keys were. After searching through my entire semi-large bag and all pockets, I can't find them. I then walk around to the passenger side and peer in the window. Sure enough, there they were in the ignition. Bummer. Thank goodness I keep a spare key in my wallet for just such occasions. Oh wait, as I look inside I see my spare key on my center console where I left it when I was cleaning out my change purse the day before. Big bummer. So I call a locksmith, who says he'll be there in 15 minutes. Which is good news because I will still be able to make my mandatory class on time. I lean against my trunk waiting for the guy to show up, wondering why the car parked next to me has been running for so long with no one in sight. Then I realize my car is vibrating slightly. It takes me ALL this time to realize that not only did I forget to take my keys with me before I locked the doors, I forgot to turn the ignition off before locking the door to run in and grab my bottles of water. Yeah. So in the end, my two bottles of water ended up costing me about $85. But it could have been worse. Like the time I locked my keys in the car at the gas station at 2 in the morning in the middle-of-nowhere southeast UT on the way back from LasCruces, New Mexico. Or the time I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft as described here. Man, if my keys could talk!!

But this wasn't my only trip down memory lane today. I also had my ipod on shuffle and the song "I Wanna Do It All" by Terri Clark came on. I hadn't heard this song for years. Not since it was my theme song before I moved away and off on my own. It had been my mantra, the lyrics like a mini bucket list for me. I had accomplished nothing in the song at the time and spent many hours dreaming of doing so. This time as I listed I was nostalgic over memories of the times I had been to and done nearly every thing in the song. My how time flies.

Also, the royal wedding. I've heard the term 'royal wedding' so many times I could vomit. I was excited for it, just tired of hearing it. So as I watched as I was getting ready for the day in the wee hours of the morning, my heart smiled. Beautiful people, beautiful wedding, such a great fairytale come true. Which of course made me think of all things THIS post. Ah life. What a nostalgic day :)

Easter Season

2011-04-24T11:45:00.005-07:00

I know that my Redeemer lives. The words to one of my most favorite hymns. I love taking a moment on these special type holidays that tend to become so commercialized and secular and just remember the true meaning. I'm not saying I don't love the easter bunny and pin-wheels and bubbles (my favorite easter basket prizes when I was little). Actually, I still have parts to a medical kit I got for easter from my Grandma and Grandpa when I was little ...I've always known I wanted to be a nurse, but this little stethoscope and reflex hammer kit kind of cemented it for me :)

But on this special day I just wanted to make a note that I'm also especially grateful for the knowledge I have of a Savior who loves me at all times and through all the bumps in my road. The Savior who's rising from the dead we commemorate today. Easter to me is also a symbol of all things coming new again, and a sure sign of spring. I'll leave you with a few pictures from the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival that I went to the other day.

For some reason I kind of fell in love with this particular white tulip. In a 17 acre field full of rows and rows and rows of every color, this one was the only one growing away all on it's own.

Just Around the Riverbend

2011-04-22T19:10:00.006-07:00

Remember when you were young and you were going to change the world? I remember when I was little and even when I was not so little, I was so sure that I was destined for great things. When I left my home in North Logan UT and headed to New York City I was being all that I could be. I was making something of myself and conquering the world. I also conquered the world in Southern California, Seattle, and NYC again. So now here I am pondering away. I think that sometimes the world kicks back just a little bit. We get discouraged and we get our feelings hurt by this friend or by that comment or by that missed opportunity. Things work out the opposite of the way we thought they should and sometimes I think we forget to get back up. Just for a minute. No one thinks that they want to be defeated forever, no one wants to be defeated at all I'm sure. But sometimes I think it's easy to sit down on the hike of life and just take a break for a minute. And before you know it it's been a lot more than a minute. Something happens, you get a refreshing reminder from this friend or from that comment, you see new opportunities, and you realize how stagnant you had been. Rest is over, there are worlds to be changed, people places and things to improve!! Things pick up and you pick yourself up an get moving. Ah, forward progress. Not always forward, sometimes sideways, sometimes back, and sometimes in circles because, well, that's life. But motion none the less. We are still destined for great things. Each of us. I can't not believe that! Just a thought for the day :) Happy Weekend!! Oh, and, new favorite quote I heard the other day... "Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world." --Brenda Peterson

An Early Glimpse?

2011-04-11T22:41:00.006-07:00

Is it possible that it's really starting to be spring?! It's amazing what a little blue sky and sunshine can do to brighten a girls life. It's that time of year. When I am the most frustrated with the dreary grey sky and constant rain and ready to throw in the towel and migrate south. And as happens so often in life, right at your breaking point there is a release. Today that release came in the form of a day off filled with blue skies, sunshine, white puffy clouds, green grass, blue lakes, sailboats, baseball, cotton candy, blossoms on trees, and the beginnings of green coloring the ivy that hangs on bridges and overpasses. It's the time of year when I again become enchanted with this land of wonders that I live in. When I'm reminded of why exactly it is that I chose to make Seattle my home. When it's sunny here there is truly no place prettier. And spring is indeed coming! I can feel it, and I'm so excited!!! I'm even planning an outing to the tulip festival. I missed the daffodil festival, but I'm so excited that 3 of my favorite signs of spring are back!

Dream a Little Dream

2011-04-03T05:54:00.006-07:00

I am totally burned out on life right now. I quite honestly hate my job. I never want to go in, and when I leave I am so angry that it takes me an abnormal amount of time to go to sleep. The thing is I don't know what else I would honestly do. And, oh, I got into the University of Washington to further my degree in the job that I hate... I suppose I should clarify. I love being a registered nurse. I love taking care of super sick patients and massive traumas. Or just polite "normal" people. Even if you're there for an hangnail you've had for three months, if you're just nice, that's all I really care about. The thing is, I don't get to take care of massive traumas all that often at work. The really sick patients are few and far between, and the nice ones are literally non-existent. And I loathe management. I hate that the few of us who know what we're doing and are actually capable of doing our jobs end up getting shat on day in and day out because no one else is competent. I detest the fact that there have been around 30 patients in the waiting room every night at work, and nothing is being done about it. I hate that I am asked if I can stay late every single night (Literally. I've kept track. Every single shift for the last four months.) because of one "surprise" or another. If we're not getting our tails kicked it's because we're short staffed. And if we're not short staffed it's because the charge nurse was caught off guard by the number of beds we "all of a sudden" have to have closed. Even though we close the exact same beds at the exact same time every day of the week for the last year.

Phew. Now that I have that off my chest (sorry for complaining), on to the point...

So I've pondered a lot lately about what else I'd rather be doing. And I have a secret. You know what I dream of doing? I would absolutely love to be a high school history teacher. I had a US history teacher my junior year of high school that was so wonderful that I think each of her students wanted to be just like her at one point. I've always LOVED US history. I have an associates degree in nursing and a bachelors degree in exercise science and I dream of being a high school history teacher. Go figure :) Do I feel 'right' about it? No, or that's what I'd be doing ...but it's nice to dream. Also, I'm sure that if I were a history teacher I'd be beyond irritated at the stupid parents, and I wouldn't get paid enough, and I'm sure I'd hate a child or two. So I'm starting school in June to finish my bachelors degree in nursing. And I came to the realization the other day, that if I don't go on and get a masters degree, I will be the only one of my siblings not to get a graduate degree. And I can't be outdone! Lol, but seriously... With a masters degree in nursing, I would not get pain a single cent more than I do right now at work. With my associates degree. So it would be pure professional pride and good ol' fashioned sibling rivalry that I'd do it for. Well, that and for a back up plan for when I'm 60 and don't want to run all over the ER anymore. So back to school I go. And I'm excited. But I must admit that I'm more excited for my two electives I get to take than I am for any of the nursing stuff. Which electives am I taking? US history through the civil war and US history from the civil war to present day.

So for now i'm content to dream. I dream every day. I dream of running away. I dream of tropical islands and cities yet to be explored. I dream of foreign countries and continents and vacations yet to come. I dream of airplanes and sunshine. I dream of city streets and skyscrapers and parks. I dream of having a quiet house in the country suburbs somewhere with a picket fence, planter boxes, and shutters. I dream of having someone to come home to and snuggly up to in bed at night. I dream of babies to love and raise. I dream of having a puppy to play with and flowers to garden. I dream of laughter filled walks at dusk in khaki capris, a pastel button up shirt, and a white cardigan. I dream because as Walt Disney said, "If you can dream it, you can do it. ...All our dreams come true if we have the courage to pursue them." What do you secretly dream of?

Vacation, Vacation, Vacation!!!

2011-03-21T23:41:00.006-07:00

Ok, time to get caught up I suppose. But honestly, I'm not in the mood :) So here it is. I was lucky enough to go on two great vacations this month. First I went to New Orleans, then to Boston. Two great cities that I had never been to. I went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, check off the bucket list :) It was amazing. I stayed with a good friend and former roommate of mine that is now a grad student at Tulane. And a former co-travel-nurse and partner in crime drove down from her home in Asheville, NC to meet us. We walked all over the city, and had a great time, ate some amazing food, heard some amazing music, and just had an all around amazing time.

Boston was explored with two former travel-nurse coworkers of mine in NYC. We also walked all over that city and saw all there was to see. We ate some amazing food, saw some amazing history, and spent some truly amazing time together ...and picked up a new accent :) The pictures are great, and they're reminiscent of the things we saw. The thing is, pictures can't capture the moments. As we were discussing at dinner one night. There is just no way you can capture the true beauty that is enjoying a berried lamb dinner at the top of the Prudential Building overlooking the Charles River and Cambridge. The amazing food, the moonlight, the view, the mood, it just can't be photographed. The spirit of the city has to be felt, is has to be experienced. It can't be captured.

The same is true of each city I've been to. Try as I might, I can't capture in words or writing what exactly it feels like to walk the streets of New Orleans in the deep south, expecting the characters from Pride and Prejudice or Gone With the Wind to walk around the next corner. You can't capture the experience of eating a traditional southern breakfast at a corner coffee shop with an in-house pianist and trumpet player playing 1940s style jazz. You can't record the way the moon looks over a certain skyline or a certain river. These things just have to be experienced. That being said, I've had an amazing time, and seen a lot of amazing things with a lot of amazing people. I came home with 7 new blisters, a new hoodie, three new tshirts, three new keychains, two new magnets, two bags full of mardi gras beads, two bags of stuff for my Bosty, and a lifetime of new memories and experiences. And I did of course take a lot of pictures :)

Addendum

2011-02-25T20:44:00.003-08:00

Technically addendum number two since I added the Grey's quote as an addendum late last night. But... the death of all things outdated, valued, and old fashioned continues. Today I finally gave in and bought a new camera. I've had my last camera since 2007, and I'd grown quite attached. I bought it when I was living in Patchogue, NY on my first travel assignment. My friend has captured my memories from Long Island, a cross country drive, one from UT to SoCal, one from SoCal to Seattle. She's recorded my memories of my brother's wedding, countless friends' weddings. From trips to Vegas, Key West, Washington DC, Disneyland, Canada, Mexico, North Carolina, Hawaii. She lived NYC with me and permanently stored the occasions. She saw my newborn nephew, my best friends children, countless occasions with my beloved family and friends. She saw me fall in love, she saw me make new friends, she saw me as I grew (am growing) into a strong independent loving woman. She documented the occasion of Nellie loosing her original license plates, a sad day indeed. She was my witness to countless parties, celebrations, birthdays, holidays in every season. She saw my sister graduate from college. She was my road trip companion and secretary, we were a well oiled functioning team. When I bought her she was the top of the line, cutting edge camera technology. She's is a 7.1 megapixel 4x optical zoom. I haven't actually let her go yet, I'm not sure what to do with her. I mean, she still works, technically ...you just have to pry the lens open with your fingernail, and sometimes force the lens closed. (She may have been dropped -or gone camera sky diving as I like to think of it- a couple times) She's weathered all extremes of weather. So I think I'll hang on to her for a while. Ya know. Just ...in case. RIP my friend. You are loved.

Picture taken with my new friend ...I'll tell you more about them later. It's amazing, but this is about the loss of my old friend :(

Slow Down!!!

2011-02-24T21:47:00.010-08:00

So I wrote a little bit ago about how baffled my mind was by my cell phone and it's capabilities. Have you seen the Kia commercial where it asks the question, "What if we were satisfied with the first version of everything?" One of the examples were the huge chunky box cell phones (think Zach Morris on Saved By The Bell circa 1991). While I'm glad we're not still lugging those things around, I just am feeling a little ...old fashioned, perhaps ...lately. I mean, I just can't see myself finding the love of my life online ...the way apparently one of every five relationships start now-a-days according to tv commercials. And I went to a man auction for charity last week, and while it was very fun and quite entertaining, I just felt a little ...out of place? ...Awkward? I don't know what the word is ...old fashioned. Also, I find a certain charm in turning the actual physical paper pages of a book. I love to go into old book stores, I love the smell of books, I love reading them, but I am not on board the whole kindle/nook craze yet, because ...well, I'm just too old fashioned. I like reading books where I actually turn the pages. I tell ya, these young whipper-snappers these days have no idea! I saw a funny quote on facebook the other day, "We had social networking when I was a kid too. I think back then we called it outside." It made me giggle. So true. Life is so different now. And it's good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I just can't keep up. I mean, I bought a wifi-accessible wireless printer about a month ago and the darn thing took me 45 minutes to set up!! Pretty sure it's smarter than me. And my phone ...back to the point of this post. Don't even get me started on how much smarter than me that darn thing is.

So today, I had to have a cable repair-man come to my house to fix my DVR box. Apparently the hard drive on the box was fried, so they just gave me a new one. No big deal. The guy also hooked up my phone (the land line one) to the router so I could make calls on my home phone in case of emergency. Meaning that my one little cable box is connected to my tv, blu-ray player, the internet, my computer, my printer, the phone, and is my recorder for shows. Crazy. And the box is so small!! So while I was waiting for my favorite lists and dvr schedules to reload onto the new tiny machine, I started playing on my phone. I was checking for updates on the apps I already have installed. I came across a comcast app for my phone. So I downloaded it. And with this app I can change the channel on my tv from my phone, view the lineup, watch live tv, and schedule things to be recorded on the dvr. That's right, my phone now also doubles as my remote control. Blows my mind. Remember when phones had chords that attached them to the wall? Remember the finger-hole turn-dial thingies? My how things have evolved!! I made a little list of all the things I use my phone for. Here it is. Do you think Alexander Graham Bell had any idea his little invention would go this far? I'm being a bit dramatic I know, but SERIOUSLY!!!! So, my phone:

Flashlight
Clock
Watch
Phone book
Address book
Notepad
Alarm clock
Answering machine
Computer (email, facebook, google, youtube, imdb, urban dictionary, etc)
GPS/navigator (maps, google earth, etc)
Calender
Camera
Photo album
Television (live tv, recorded tv, movie rental, netflix etc)
TV remote
Video camera
Game player (psp, angry birds, tetris, various trivia, etc)
IM center
Music player (pandora, radio, downloaded music, etc)
VCast Song ID (a category all of it's own ...can't live without it!)
Skype/video chat engine
Voice recorder (which reminds me ...remember tape players and recorders?!)
Dictionary
SportsCenter scoreboard
Sky/star map (you just point your phone toward the sky and it will map out all the stars and planets for you and tell you what exactly you're looking at in whichever direction you move the phone)
Checkbook/bank deposit slip/balance transfer sheet/anything you'd otherwise have to physically go to a bank for
Boarding pass (as in, for airplane flights ...no more paper to worry about loosing during all that airport shopping!)
Barcode scanner
Search beacon ...for when you get lost in the wilderness ...theres a happy little geographical map with a picture of your smiling face and an arrow pointing to your precise latitude-longitude geographical location ...and have you seen the movie The Recruit?! )
Magic 8-ball
Coupon finder (groupon, living social, etc ...and thanks to my wifi-enabled wireless printer, I can print the coupons directly from my phone wherever I am ...I told you my printer was smart!)
Translator (all languages included)
Drug book (standard, IV, resuscitation, pediatric dosings, etc)
ACLS/PALS guide
Weather report/news feed
Shopping portal (can anyone say paypal?)

I'm sure I'll come up with something new in a few days ...but seriously. I literally use my phone for each and every one of these things. And it could be a book too since there's a kindle app that came on my phone that I just haven't activated yet for the above listed reasons. And my phone is approximately 4 1/2" x 2 1/2" and about a centimeter and a half thick. It's microscopic, really. Crazy crazy crazy technology.

Also ...as a fabulous follow up to this post, and this post ...a quote from tonight's Grey's Anatomy: "Is it worth it? Being responsible? Because if you take your vitamins, and pay your taxes, and never cut the line, the universe still gives you people to love. And then lets them slip through your fingers like water. And then what have you got? Vitamins and nothing." Man I love this show!! Some of the greatest quotes ever!!

Thought Jumbo

2011-02-20T00:14:00.004-08:00

So I've read the following quote in no less than three different places in the past week. When I heard it on an episode of Criminal Minds on Friday I figured there may be a reason it's continually in front of me.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy. For what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another." --Antone Frances

I also had a dream the other night that I cut off my ponytail. I was just tired of it and figured that I'd reattach it later. According to my favorite dream dictionary (used mostly for curiosity and entertainment purposes) this may mean that I'm experiencing a loss of power, that I'm uncertain and confused, making some drastic change to some aspect in my waking life. Interesting.

I recently made a new "life plan" if you well that I affectionately call operation self control. It has to do with a lot of decisions and habits I have in my life, including diet, exercise lifestyle, shopping, etc. And there has been a bit of undertow tugging at a situation in my personal life. All the changes I've committed to are positive, and I'm excited about all of them. However, a recent meltdown following a heartbreak has left me wondering. I want so bad to be the strong confidant woman.

In many ways I feel like I am ...but in this case, I just am not. I wish I could be mean. I wish I could just... I don't know. I think that perhaps once you've allowed someone access to see the inner most part of who you are, you loose that ability. You can close yourself back up and lock things away in a steel box, but once you've let someone in, they always have access to that part of you. So, all changes have their melancholy. How do you just leave a part of yourself behind?

Growth, change, improvement, forward/upward progress... I don't know. Something to think about.

Also a pertinent quote... "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." --George Santayana

Thank Heaven

2011-02-06T05:40:00.005-08:00

Thank Heaven for mommies!!! Among the wonderful and thoughtful gifts I got for Christmas this past year is a good friend of mine. She doesn't have a name yet, but I'm in love. It's this most amazing hot pack that my mom made and sent to me. It's a large beanbag-like fabric pouch filled with dry rice and yummy smelling spices. You put it in the microwave for 1-3 minutes and then enjoy the cuddly warmth. Great for cuddling when lonely or cold, great for cramps, pms, and chilly toes. I use it frequently, but last time I was home I found a new use. I was pondering the sad state of my sinuses with my father (whom I inherited them from). He said that lately the only thing that has helped him feel better is to put the hot pack over his face and lay in a quiet room. So today after having a fever, exploding head, sore throat, and general sinus-head-rearing misery, I came home from work, loaded up on the NyQuil (one of God's greatest inventions), motrin, afrin, pepcid, and zofran --Yes I'm like my own pharmacy ...it's amazing what you can get to help yourSELF feel better ...just over the counter ...just sayin'. You too, boys and girls can get all sorts of great pain relievers, fever reducers, decongestants, and cold remedies, and antacids at your local pharmacy/drugstore/walmart/etc. Any who, so I drugged myself up, visions of sugarplums preparing to dance in my head, and I threw the hot pack in the microwave for a couple minutes while I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and got ready for bed. Then I grabbed the warm pack of heaven, went to bed and placed the warm heat over my pounding sinuses. Instant relief!! Amazing. I let it sit there enjoying the warm comfort, feeling the pulse in my nose disappear (you shouldn't have a pulse in your nose, it's ok) until the bag became room temperature again. I felt so inspired and so much better that I decided to come tell you all about it. Highly recommended. Moms are pretty great!! And even when you're 28 and sick and whiny they still know how to make you feel better, even from a thousand miles away. And dads are pretty great too, quite inventive and ingenuitive. I think I might have just made up a word ...time for my drug induced slumber. Goodnight all!!

Responsible Things

2011-01-28T17:23:00.002-08:00

Responsibility. Stability. I have mixed feelings. I e-filed my taxes online the other day. I came to the realization that I made a whopping$16,000 less than last year. Now, I can't really complain, because I still have everything I need and most of the things I want. I'm well taken care of with not only a strong roof over my head, but quite the extensive purse and shoe collection. But $16,000 is no small chunk of change! And let's remember a few things. I was only a travel nurse for HALF the year last year. Imagine if I had been travelling ALL year. Also, since I was not travelling, I actually had to pay rent and bills with that money! So sad! I mean is responsible stability really worth it? Was my life really that "stable" last year? I mean sure, I had job I was locked into for more than 13 weeks at a time, and yeah, I have an actual local mailing address and bank account ...but is it really that worth it? I don't know that I'm ready to start travelling again ...especially with school on the horizon ...but it makes you wonder!

On the other hand, I have quite enjoyed playing the responsible grown up this week. See, I've been staying at a friend's house while she is on a work-related vacation. She has three boys and a husband that goes to work before they need to get on the bus and doesn't get home until after they need to be picked up. Enter me. I love my friend. Bunches and bunches, and I love her boys and would do anything for them, but let me tell ya, the responsible adult in charge of small people is tough! And tiring! I worked Sunday through Wednesday nights until 0330. So I went home to her house when I got off and read a book for an hour or so until the boys got up. Once I got them on the bus, I'd come back and sleep until it was time to get them off the bus. Let me tell ya, getting other people's children on and off the school bus is STRESSFUL!!!!! I mean, what if I get them lost? What if they don't get off the bus? What if we're late and they miss the bus? I mean I'm pretty good with a gps ...but still!

Also, I learned so much! Boys are so different from girls. I learned all sorts of playful new insults that only teenage boys can come up with for their brothers. And cartoons? My gosh they're annoying these days!!! It's no wonder America's children are over-diagnosed adhd medication. Have you seen these things? They are the most mindless, obnoxious, mind-numbing, stupid things ever. Like literally stupid. As in not smart. There is not one ounce of Intelligence in these things. Remember Scooby Doo? The Smurfs? Strawberry Shortcake? Rainbow Bright? My Little Pony? The Care Bears? I could go on. They are no more. And the animation is terrible!! Don't even get me started on the commercials. Have you heard of Zhu Zhu pets? I don't even want to go into it for fear of getting the obnoxious song stuck in my head. Perhaps I'm just getting too old. The generational gap is officially beginning. Have you heard of silly bands? They're these little rubber bracelet things that when you take them off your wrist take the shape of various other things. They're all the rage among the young 'uns these days and I just don't get it. You can't just have one or two like the slap bracelets from back in my day. You need like hundreds. Not exaggerating.

That being said ...this week was amazing!! These boys are so amazing!!!! I mean, the kind of amazing that restores my faith in humanity. Granted, as I knew previously it's all about how people parent. And my amazing friend and her wonderful husband are clearly great parents. These boys are just so great! They're smart, and they have tons of friends, they're athletic, and they love each other and take care of each other. I mean, they're still boys, so they wrestle and call each other names and all that 'boys will be boys' stuff, but they're just great kids. And it was great to be responsible for them for a week. It was actually really nice to have something that I HAD to do besides getting up and going to work.

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On an unrelated note (just something I've been thinking about a lot lately): Ya know how there are some songs that you just identify with? Usually with the overall message or feeling of the song. Like 'Chicken Fried' of 'Toes' by the Zac Brown Band, or 'What I Love About the South' by Rodney Atkins, they just make me feel at home, and I totally identify with them. Then there are songs that fit your life almost completely but there's a verse or a single part or two that are missing. Then there are songs that you could have written. Every word. Then it just becomes almost eerie. For me this song is ShadowBoxer by Fiona Apple. That's all. Happy weekend everyone :)

Good day...

2011-01-18T04:19:00.004-08:00

Today was one of those days at work where I'm just so grateful for the job that I have. One of those days that reminds me why I wanted to do this ...ya know as opposed to the days when you have shit thrown at your head (figuratively ...and literally unfortunately) you're called every name at the book and yelled at by every ungrateful patient and their ungrateful family members. Don't get me wrong, I (and my coworkers) laugh at most of the names we are called, and roll our eyes at the impatience and sheer ignorance of our ...more challenging patients. But every once in a while you get a few morsels of gratitude and experiences that make all the crap worthwhile.

I had been at work for about three hours and was BORED out of my mind. As was the charge nurse, the nurse working in the zone with me, and one of my good friends who was in our zone chatting. We were actually bored enough that we tried our hardest to tempt fate by repeatedly vocalizing how bored we were and how quiet it was. Usually a sure recipe for disaster. It didn't work. For a long time. But then the medic phone rang :) We all grinned and waited to see what it was going to be ...hoping for something truly gruesome or super sick and actively dying. Turns out it was an 86yo gal with a sudden onset of abdominal pain, who had passed out and had a blood pressure in the 40s. And no IV access :) Woohoo!!! Twisted I know :) The medics had tried multiple times in her arms, and twice to get a central line in her neck and couldn't find anything. Without getting too far into the medical details of it all, the patient likely had a ruptured hole in the aorta in her abdomen ...she was loosing lots of blood really really really fast. So me and my three bored friends prepare to converge on this actively dying patient. Within minutes of her rolling through our doors, I had thrown a 14g in her left arm, and another nurse had thrown an 18g in her right. The medics who were still giving report on the patient looked at us stunned, each took a dollar out of their wallets and handed them to us. A 14g is big. Like really big. Like almost ball-point pen (the metal and ink-holder part) big. And an 18 is big too. But more importantly, the patient was in the OR having her ruptured AAA repaired within 57 minutes of hitting the department. We even got to use the rapid transfuser ...that's always a good time :)

A few hours later after we were all bored again, although not quite as bored as before, triage brought me a patient. I already had three and there were several nurses with only one or two patients. I didn't mind, because I like to be busy, but it was just a little strange. The triage nurse that brought the patient back came up to me and said, "Toni, I brought you a patient because you are the best." I laughed and he said, "No. seriously, I was thinking about where to put this kid and I thought that if my kid was this sick you would be the first person I'd pick to take care of it." And he was SERIOUS!!! And we had some pretty rockstar nurses on shift. I detest febrile child workups. I don't mind doing them if the kid is actually sick, but more often than not we get roped into torturing them because of the numbers. But this time I was glad to do it ...what can I say, I'm easily manipulated ...flattery will get you everywhere :)

Anyways, that's it :) I love my job and I love my coworkers!!

Regarding...

2011-01-13T15:49:00.005-08:00

The post office: I still don't like you. I picked up a sheet of stamps at Fred Meyer today, so I hope to avoid you for quite some time. Also, I had to go to Target today to buy some paper to write letters on because the only paper I have in my house is sticky-notes. Which is fine, but an entire letter on sticky notes might get a bit tedious, and I don't want to run the risk of having to visit you to make sure that the envelope is not to thick to send with the damn stamps I already have. Not that it's your fault that I had to go buy paper, but I thought you should know how much effort I'm putting in to send stuff through you.

The weather: Turns out we got a solid couple inches of the heaviest, wettest snow I've ever seen the other night. And it was all gone after about an hour because it's been raining since then. Also best product ever? Rain-X. Especially if you live here in Seattle. It's a great little liquid that you add to your windshield wiper fluid and it makes all the rain water bead up and run right off your windshield! Great stuff. Thanks dad!!!

Books: The Art of Racing In the Rain, excellent book. Read it in just over a day. Couldn't put it down. Finished it at a slow minute at work ...shed tears of happiness ...at the nurses station ...over the book, not the dying people surrounding me. Eat, Pray, Love: Excellent book. Life changing. Like reading thoughts from my own brain. Like therapy. The movie was awful, but already read the book twice. Love it. Kite Runner: Well written, gripping and intriguing, but I have never been so personally hurt and offended by a main character in a book before. I mean there's always people who do really crappy things and are just terrible people, but they're usually not the 'hero' main character of the story. I find myself actually wanting this kid to be tortured. Like really tortured. Like I am glad when he gets sick etc.

Traffic: I don't understand why entire lines of cars wait for several minutes in line to get on the freeway. I'm glad they do, don't get me wrong, because traffic would be terrible if they didn't, but I can't make myself wait my turn when the whole stupid carpool lane is open, free, and clear. One day this may come up to bite me, but I'll deal with it then. A ticket for inappropriate use of the carpool lane is well worth my sanity of not having to deal with traffic.

Doom and Gloom: aka the sunless winter here in the pac nw. I have conquered you with my happy light. Yes folks I actually own a product called a happy light. And it's made the biggest difference in my life. Seriously. It's a small portable little box that emits the brightest white light. Just turning on immediately lifts and brightens my mood. I sit by it for at least 30 minutes in the morning while I'm playing on the computer, or bring it in the bathroom while I'm getting ready, they I read by it for at least 30 minutes every evening. You would not believe what a difference it makes!!! AMAZING!!!

...I think that's all for today. Oh, and I like golden oreos :)

Ooh! I almost forgot! Regarding technology: I now have a printer that is smarter than I am. Took me a good half an hour to set the darn thing up today. And I'm not exactly computer illiterate. Also, it occasionally baffles my mind how much cell phones can do. I mean, think about it. My cell phone is also my phone book, computer, calculator, clock, gps, tv, entertainment station, alarm clock, photo book, camera, books, bank account, movie renter, etc. And I used it the other week as my boarding pass. And it fits in my little back pocket. Crazy.

Just in case...

2011-01-11T04:15:00.003-08:00

Just in case you need a little perspective. I did.

Mi Madre

2010-12-19T19:13:00.004-08:00

Happy Birthday to my wonderful and amazing mother!! I love her so much!!!

Oh ...and not do detract but as more of a side note... Today is also day one of my Spanish tutorial ...go me :)

525,600 Minutes

2010-12-15T04:24:00.006-08:00

This post may seem slightly at an odd time of year since the nearest upcoming holiday is Christmas. But we all know how I feel about doing things in order ...it drives me nuts if things aren't in chronological order :) But ...it's where my mind is now. I'm watching RENT. One of the best productions in history. Words can't describe the magic and the mood of the first time I saw RENT on Broadway in New York City. It was a spur of the moment thing, on a recommendation from my favorite resident rent-head Jill. My friend Danielle was visiting me in NYC. We had a couple hours of time unplanned to wander the streets of my favorite place on earth. I had talked to Jill earlier in the day and she informed me that Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were in town reprising their original cast roles for the week. She pleaded with me to go in her honor since she couldn't make it out. I hadn't seen it before, but I know how passionate she is about it, and Danielle and I were able to score $20 second row seats for that night's performance so we decided to give it a go. It was literally one of the defining moments in my life. I sat through the entire production moved beyond words, beyond tears. The stream of powerful emotion roaring through me. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I felt lost, and I felt purpose. And I felt myself beginning to emerge anew. I began to discover who I really was. Again. Out on my own. As an adult living in the greatest city in the world. As a nurse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister.

From that moment I began to live my life for me. In baby steps. Since then I have accomplished countless goals that I'm proud of, and set many more. I've become an amazing well rounded person who loves without holding back and who notices and takes stock in the small things. I say this not to boast of myself, but because I have made it a point to celebrate the good things I do. I think we should all celebrate more of our accomplishments and the root that they all come from. And I think it's ok to say that I think I'm turning into an amazing person. I'm not there yet, I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. And I like myself. In the years since that fateful Broadway night I've learned to love myself. I've hated myself, I've been lost and confused and hurt. I've fallen in love and picked myself back up. The good always out weighs the bad.

So now as I'm watching the movie RENT (not the same as seeing it live, but an acceptable substitute because of the memories it evokes) I'm asking myself how I've spent the last 525,600 minutes of my life. Can it be measured in miles driven? Trips to Starbucks? Hours at work? Lives saved? New journeys? In truths learned? Tears cried? Bridges burned? Friends made? Sleep lost? Life should be measured in love. All four seasons. Seasons of love laughter life and learning. As compared to previous years, it seems I didn't really do much of anything this year. I remember at the start of the year I made it a point to be more selfish and do more me. Well, I went on with my life and plodded on along like normal. Looking back I was kind of a shell and a puppet. It was on a trip to North Carolina in the late summer that I realized my misstep. I was deep in conversation with a soul-sister of mine, Serena, when she essentially hit me over the head with a hammer. We were discussing our lives and how they were so different than we had ever planned, and we didn't know how we ended up where we were. We discussed living and loving and evolving, and she said to me, "Toni, I just feel like you've lost who you are. I feel like you don't know who YOU really are anymore."

She was right. It turns out when you make a goal to focus on yourself you have to do more than just say you're going to do it. You can't say you're going to make a change then carry on with life as if nothing is different. I may not have done things this year like I have in past years. I haven't learned a new language like I wanted, or gone sky-diving, or scuba-diving on a foreign tropical vacation. As it turns out what I did was find myself. I felt a LOT of emotion and I owned it all. All year long. That night in the car with Serena was another rebirth to me. Her words were so beautiful, heartfelt, and simple that I could never have come to them on my own ...one of those too close to the forest to see the trees things. We made a pact that night. I promised her that I would go back home to Seattle and that I would find myself. That I would free myself of the baggage that had been holding me down. That I would cut ties with the people I was nice to out of obligation who were just dragging me away from who I was. From that moment on I was on operation find myself. Full force. I stopped worrying about the petty things. I did or did not do things because I did or didn't want to. I stopped all my defensive false pretenses. I had a few slip ups and a few backslides, but Serena was always just a phone call and stern-reminding word away. And I loved her for it. She kept me on track and she didn't let me have or do anything less than what I absolutely ultimately wanted/deserved.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I took a year off from being myself to find myself. Make sense? :) It has been a journey and has taken everything out of me. And only good things have been molded back. I'm back. I'm me again and I'm a confident me and I love again. It's what I do. I love. Things, people, life, everything. I'm back. That's the point :) And I'm moving on and moving forward with a life that I am more familiar with. A life with what I know ...new things and adventures and a hunger for progression. The ball has started rolling already. I haven't wasted my last 525,600 minutes. My journey may have taken longer than I might have hoped, but it is what it is. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. It's mine.

Looking forward to my next 525,600 minutes I anticipate many things. Vacations are back ...Boston for St. Patty's day here I come ...New Orleans here I come ...etc. School is back, I'm now officially a Husky ...Go Dawgs ...and I'm on track for my second baccalaureate degree. I'm going to be a better nurse and I'm going to have a lot more letters behind my name. I've said goodbye to complacency and I don't miss it. And this year I'm going to do it. I'm going to learn a second language. Maybe two because I can't decide between Italian (because it's just so beautiful) or Spanish (because it's just so useful). I'll still have my trips to Starbucks, my tears, my laughter, my hours at work, lives saved, truths learned, and I'm sure tears cried and bridges burned. But I'll measure my next year in love. Because really, life is short. Live life to the fullest, every moment. Every single one. Love without holding back. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other day, no other way, no day but today. And always, ALWAYS viva la vie boheme!!!!! Much love all, and may you all have a blessed and rich holiday season!

Baby Boston's Blessing

2010-12-08T22:45:00.004-08:00

Sigh. I had such a great weekend with my family!! I just love them all to pieces!! I flew into Salt Lake at 0900 and Heidi came to pick me up. Since we had both worked the night before we went for "breakfast" at TacoBell :) After a failed attempt at shopping at the Gateway ...who knew they weren't open at 9? Anyway ...we headed home and took some naps. Well, I took a nap. Heidi apparently went to the gym and then to make my secret present, then came home to take a short nap. When I woke up Cody, Chelsea, and Boston were at my parents house for dinner and to visit so I spent the rest of the evening with my family. And it was wonderful. And I got my secret present. A poop box for my car. Complete with air freshener and tissues :) It's a long story that I'm not going to go into, but it involves a very extended congested traffic jam after a long day of shopping ...including shoe shopping with boxes and tissue paper. That's all I'm going to say.

Anyway..... So Friday I got to spend the whole day with my awesome sister in law and my sweetie lil favorite cuddle buddy Bosty. Chel had a photo job at the Bountiful Temple, so I came with her to hang with my little buddy. On the way home we stopped at In-n-Out for Bosty's first visit :) Then we forfeited a small shopping trip to make it home in time to see Life As We Know It with my mom and Heidi. Great show, and also Bosty's first movie. He thought it was great :) Saturday was a chill day preparing for Sunday and doing a lil shopping. Including the second trip to Temptation Cupcake ...best cupcake store ever. Hands down. Amazing. Then of course Sunday was Bosty's blessing day and family picture day. Good times!! Love and miss my family already!! Boston is just such a sweet little happy baby. He's just sweet. A chubby little adorable sweetie. And he only let's out a death scream every once in a while :) And Cody and Chelsea are amazing parents. I'm so proud of them! Heidi is just amazing as always and has so much more self control than I could hope to have ever. And what can you say about my parents?! I'm just more lucky than words can express!

Preparation

2010-11-19T01:57:00.005-08:00

In preparation for the holiday season I was getting a playlist ready for my ipod with all my holiday favorites. I was inspired to do this by all the freezing winter weather we're having up here, the possibility of snow tomorrow ...and in honor of the winter menu/music/decorations in Starbucks the other day :) While digging through my massive music collection I found a couple songs I wanted to share. They are both from John Schmidt's Winter Serenade album that I fell in love with in college. There were many a stressful teary night when I would lay down to bed, put this CD on repeat and it would quiet my brain away and lull me off to sleep. I love the whole thing! The first is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever (Along with O Holy Night (preferably sung by a nice baritone voice) and Mary's Lullaby by Debbie West Coon) The second one is not necessarily a Christmas song. It's the last song on the album and I just think her little voice is the cutest thing ever. Should I ever get married, this song will be on my wedding video. These songs just make me happy. They make me smile, and they make me feel peace. Just wanted to share :)

*despite of the fact that I can't make blogger fit the links INSIDE my post ...irritating!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, can't handle the size issue anymore ...so look it up on you tube :) John Schmidt's 'Still Still Still' and 'I Will'. Awesome stuff.

Complacency

2010-11-14T16:33:00.003-08:00

Complacency is bad. I need more letters ...starting with CEN, CPEN, TNCC-I, and BSN. Possibly followed by a MSN-FN ...Eek!!

Happy Birthday

2010-11-10T20:41:00.004-08:00

A very special very sincere happy birthday to a group of men who deserve it. To a group of men who have put themselves through hell for 235 years to date to ensure we have the quality of life we do. Happy Birthday Marines!!!!

And also ...in related news, Happy Veteran's Day to our veterans. Our heroes. Your sacrifices are not and will not be forgotten. There are no words to say thank you the way it is meant. But thank you. In the most sincere, down deep heart-felt from the bottom of my toes on up. I think Veteran's Day is in a tie for my second favorite holiday. The first being the 4th of July ...tied for second with Thanksgiving. For more reasons than just the men in uniform ...although that doesn't hurt ;) Today a best friend of mine started his journey to be a Ranger with the Army, and two other good friends celebrated their years of service with the Marines this past weekend. I love them each beyond just their service and sacrifice they have made in serving our country. Amazing men. And now I'm teary (how unlike me, I know ;) ) so I'm going to go. But I'll leave you with a thought I got from a friend. It's one of those obnoxious 'put this as your status if...' posts on facebook. I have a rule against reposting stuff like this. I figure I love my mom, sisters, friends, brother's dogs etc, and I tell them and don't need to broadcast said feelings across facebook. But this is a good thought for the day, and technically I'm not breaking my rule :)

A U.S. Military member is somewhere in the world tonight

missing their family while you are safe at home.

In the minute it takes you to read this

Military members across the globe are not only saving lives,

but sacrificing their own lives for your freedom.

Reality Is...

2010-11-07T22:21:00.005-08:00

It's not the fall that hurts. I mean it hurts a little, bit it's minor and it's fleeting. What really hurts is the getting up. The moment when you start to move stiff joints and rebelling muscles damaged in the fall. What you damage in the fall doesn't hurt until you try to put yourself upright and get back up. Sure a broken leg is painful, but have you ever tried to get up and walk on one? I myself have had a fear of falling for years. I'm not afraid of heights, just that for some unexplained reason when I'm standing on the edge of the majestic cliff without a railing I'm going to spontaneously loose all muscle control as my body flails itself off the edge. It may seem irrational, but that's what fear is. Really though ...it's not the fall that I fear. Free falling and floating through air sounds amazing and free-ing. What we truly fear is the unknown ...we fear the repercussions of the fall. The part that happens when we have to get up. Interesting.

Ah, the power of email...

2010-10-22T00:39:00.011-07:00

It's always amusing to me to browse through my junk-mail folder of my email every once in a while. It makes me giggle at memories and remember fun times past. You know, when you get emails from companies or places that you've visited, or more accurately from their websites that you've purchased part of your vacation through. I still get emails from the Anaheim Convention Center, Disneyland, hotel chains in Florida and Southern California, basketball arenas and concert venues across the country. Today I opened one that hit a sentimental spot of mine I've been dealing with lately. It was from a horror house. A haunted horror house. It wasn't so much the actual venue of Blood Manor ...although it was amazing and spectacular. It was the memories of the people and the location that hit the tough spot. I learned long ago that I left my heart in Seattle. The problem is, that I've left my soul in Manhattan. And my mind is definitely somewhere else entirely. I have been seriously craving New York City recently. I miss it like you'd miss breathing. I miss it always, I love Manhattan in all it's seasons, each has it's own magic. But there is no place in the world like Manhattan in the fall. There is an absolutely indescribable feeling that descends on the city come Labor Day. I miss it. I miss everything about it.

It's killing me to not be HERE this October

My soul is here.

Can you blame me?

I miss these people.

I miss this place.

The thing is, when I was here amongst all the fall colored crisp breeze scarf and pea-coat wearing glory and glamor, I was homesick. You've heard that home is where your heart is? Well, when I was in the most amazing and wonderful city in the world (it will always be so) I realized that Seattle felt like home. It was where my heart was and where I would return to some day. So when I was in NYC I yearned for this:

And now I'm in 'this' and I am having quite the identity crisis. Because as I said, my heart is in Seattle, My soul is in Manhattan, and my mind is here:

With this little guy. Again, can you blame me?! Sigh. What's a girl to do? How about vacation somewhere new and fabulous?!!! Good idea, no? I'll keep you posted! :)

Deflated

2010-10-18T09:55:00.008-07:00

Remember those little emotion magnets that everyone had on their fridge in college? The one with all the faces and an emotion written under each one? Then there was the black frame magnet that went with it that said, "Today I feel," on it? Well today I feel deflated. I just got back from dropping my parents off at the airport. It's always a deflating disappointing feeling to come home to a now-empty apartment that so recently was filled with people and laughter. I'm missing my family and I'm missing friends from far away. And I'm bewildered over a friendship I thought was indestructible. I still think it is since i'm a firm believer that the truth will ALWAYS prevail ...but hiccups suck. And men are douche bags. And when the douche bag is your professionally controlling live-in boyfriend and baby-daddy, I can understand that it's easier to want to believe them ...but ...sigh. Today, I'm a little deflated. So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be deflated today and spend the entire day in my comfy clothes with lots of time in my bed and on my couch with lots of great movies and TV on DVD ...perhaps some Grey's Anatomy. Although the last few times I've watched that one it's hit WAY to close to home on several emotional issues I'm not ready to deal with yet. So maybe I'll stick to Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie. The TV on DVD version of comfort food :) Ooh! And I'll eat some macaroni and cheese ...and chicken noodle soup ...and grilled cheese sandwiches... And now I'm just thinking out loud ...via the keyboard ...so I'm gonna go ...but I'll leave you with a picture of me and my amazing parents from yesterday.

'Tis the Season

2010-10-10T23:35:00.005-07:00

...For baking and blankets and sweaters and scarves. And I've indulged in all of the above over the past weekend. Tonight, instead of making one of my go-to batches of cookies, I decided to be adventurous. You see, when I deep cleaned my kitchen a couple weeks ago, I threw away an expired bottle of vanilla extract. I did NOT as of yet replace it. So last night I was craving cookies, went to make some and realized that I didn't have vanilla. So I looked through the recipe book of my new kitchen aid to see if there was some yummy vanilla-less recipe for cookies. There was not. But, there was a recipe for these delectable looking creamy no-cook mints. So today I ran to the grocery store for vanilla extract, and picked myself up the ingredients to make some yummy mints. And since I was feeling extra adventurous, I picked up some food coloring so I could make my mints red, yellow, and orange. Very fall-like, no?

Well, turns out, mints aren't easy. They're quite messy. But I did it ...and they taste divine. They are not however red, yellow, and orange ...they are peachy, daffodil, and ...well ...not red. Nor are they the brown that I tried to turn the non-red into (don't ask someone who works in healthcare to describe this color). But, such is my life. It's never what you originally intended, and sometimes not even your backup plan looks like you thought it would. In the end it may look a little messy, but deep in the heart of things, it's the creamy minty goodness that overrides all else :) Happy fall everyone!

Why I Don't Grocery Shop

2010-09-29T06:06:00.002-07:00

So I was deep cleaning my kitchen the other day and had a total friends moment. Shocking I know ;) But this was literally my fridge. Thus I feel completely justified in my lack of grocery shopping. It's clearly just a waste of money. LOVE this show!!!

Relax

2010-09-23T18:17:00.003-07:00

Today I am going to do nothing. I'm not going to check a single blood pressure or look at a single monitor or hear a single solitary beep (be it IV pump, cardiac monitor, call light, or other) for the next four days. And that is fabulous. I slept a glorious ten hours and I'm planning on maintaining a horizontal position as much as possible, eating some powdered donut holes, drinking some yummy herbal tea, and watching some TV Thursday. Maybe I'll even pull out the scrapbook stuff. And tomorrow I'm going to lunch with some great friends, and going for sushi and other shenanigans later. Saturday marks the beginning of hockey season for me --go Thunderbirds :) It's going to be a glorious 4 days of not having to save any lives. Selfish? Perhaps. But glorious none the less.

I Live For Gameday!

2010-09-11T21:20:00.006-07:00

I made it through my second year in a row of not living in New York City on September 11th. It still seems weird. And I still miss it. I miss the spirit of solemn remembrance that blankets the city. I miss seeing the phantom lights where the towers were. I miss seeing Lady Liberty and thinking of what she's meant to so many through the years.

September 11th is still a day I will never forget. It still is a day I spend in humble gratitude to our military forces, fire and police officers that afford us the life we have. It is a day I am particularly grateful for the life I have been given the opportunity to lead. It is a day I am honored to know many of the Men who have served abroad to protect our way of life and to afford that opportunity to others, and I am grateful for them.

Today instead of ground zero remembrances and lights that shoot from near-hallowed grave site grounds, I celebrate in a different way. A way that I feel is perhaps more appropriate. I have these memories in my mind and will keep them always. But today I not only remember the day, the people, and the events, but I celebrate the spirit that those things fell for. I spent the day with my family. Playing games, eating yummy treats, chasing kiddos around in laughter. I spent the evening at my alma mater. The place from which I gained an education, two degrees, and so much more. I put on my gameday gear, full of Aggie pride and watched my Men in Blue kick some ass on the football field. I sat with my wonderful and amazing family (and thousands of our closest friends ;) ) at Merlin Olsen Field at Romney Stadium in Logan, UT and watched the sun set over the rim of the stadium behind my majestic mountains while watching some good old football. I love my family, I love my life, I love my country, and I love my men and women who serve and protect us so that I can love all of these things. And because of them, as it says on my new t-shirt... I live for Gameday! And I love my Aggies!!!

disclaimer: I'm on a different computer and I can't make the photos be in chronological order... so they're backwards --grr.

Switching Gears

2010-09-07T06:43:00.009-07:00

In my travels I've had the opportunity to meet many wonderful and amazing people. One of my all time favorites is a friend named Graham, pictured above at my farewell to NYC party. Graham Walker, ER resident extraordinaire ;) He was a 2nd year intern at St. Luke's in Manhattan where I worked two summer's/fall ago. Amazing person, amazing friend, amazing physician. And extremely great with words. You can follow his words blogs and general information here, here, or here. Oh, and did I mention, he's brilliant? In particular today I am reminiscing about a 'note' he wrote and published to his Facebook account almost 2 years ago today. It was entitled 'Reboot' and you can find the link here. The words are as follows.

"I'm always amazed at how much the ED can just keep going after some code or major trauma or absolute train wreck. Not just at how we physicians can mentally re-orient ourselves: 'Current task over, return to other patients now,' but the entire department. The housekeepers keep housekeeping, the nurses keep nursing, the techs keep teching; the controlled chaos returns after a sudden eruption of hell breaking loose.

"This is especially true and eerie after a death. Someone utters, 'Time of death eleven thirty-seven,' and it's like you've just rebooted our minds. We return from whence we came, doing what we did before, but now maybe a little sadder, a little more downtrodden, and a lot more behind. We whisper something to ourselves, pausing for a few seconds to grieve, and keep moving. Try to save the next one.

"A couple hours later, the body has been packaged and removed and the room is completely cleaned. Fresh. A new patient sits in the gurney, dangling his legs off the edge of the bed, wondering when he's going to be seen. He has no idea what just went on two hours ago in the exact same place. You briefly make eye contact as you walk past the room. Ignorance is bliss.

"The room is back to how it always is, with nothing left but your memories of what just happened. How you broke the poor woman's ribs at 100 beats per minute. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. How you stuck sharp things in her mottled, edematous frame. How before all this, you stuck the tube in her throat and figured things would start turning around once you controlled that airway. And then an hour later, how you ran through your differential one more time, everyone straining their brains as if there's some obvious procedure or drug or incantation you must just be forgetting that instantly resurrects the dead:
What?
Am?
I?
Missing?
You sigh. And then you call it.
'Time of death, eleven thirty-seven'
Reboot"

I love this. There are many things that you just have to experience to truly understand. The way that the workers in the ER are like the closest of close-knit families. But I think that even if you don't really get the 'reboot' post in the same way us ER peeps might, you get the gist. Last night at work after coding a patient intermittently for 2 hours and starting him on every drip known to man, the code was called. The doppler had been used to attempt to hear any discernible traces of remaining pulses in the soon-to-be deceased man. The ultrasound is brought in to confirm that there are no remaining traces of cardiac activity. The code is called. Reboot. New patients are waiting. As are those that were waiting while we were breaking ribs and drawing blood and pushing fluids and medications.

So I went to see my new patients. Medications were ordered on a patient 18 weeks pregnant who had urticaria of pregnancy. As were fetal heart tones. I grabbed the doppler, taking a moment to appreciate the irony of what the machine was last used for. I wheeled it into the room, gooped on the cold cold jelly and placed the doppler to the patients pregnant abdomen and heard a solid rapid thump thump thump thump thump. Humming along at a healthy 148 beats per minute. I left it there several moments longer than necessary. I love listening to fetal heart tones. I just think it's amazing. To hear a happy healthy baby's heartbeat while it is in an innocent blissful place doing nothing but growing fat and happy to make it's debut into the world. And it was especially reassuring at that moment. The circle of life and all that. The very machine I had used not ten minutes earlier to confirm the death of one man, was at that moment confirming the healthy fetal life of another. Reboot indeed. Life goes on. I have the greatest job in the entire world!

Don't Stop...

2010-09-02T18:48:00.003-07:00

Today I believe in...

*Cleaning my house like I'm expecting royalty ...or my mom ...although I'm expecting no one but myself.

*Sweeping the pine needles off my 4'x6' deck so I can sit outside in my camp chair ...with myself.

*Cooking a gourmet meal ...for myself.

*Using chopsticks and the fancy dishes for a tv dinner ...with myself.

*Getting up and ready for a day with myself, makeup and all.

*Falling asleep in the middle of the day while at the park reading a great book.

Because I'm worth it. It's never JUST me, it is me. Simply, beautifully.

Countdown...

2010-08-27T22:00:00.002-07:00

I will be an aunt in T minus two days :) This makes me happy and I can't freaking wait!!!!!!!! I mean I love being an auntie to several of my friends adoreable babies ...but now it gets to be official! Yay!

Today's "Things"

2010-08-24T04:02:00.003-07:00

I knew today was going to be a good day. I got to work and found out that not only was the air conditioner in the staff ladies bathroom fixed (who wants to pee in a sauna? ew), but ALSO, the lady in the cafeteria cut my sandwich in triangles instead of squares. What a good day it was indeed :) And it was a great day at work as well ...as evidenced by our fearless psych counselor ...and remember it's a Monday AND a full moon:

Ah, Marilyn

2010-08-23T03:37:00.006-07:00

I know I've quoted this before, it's one of my favorites. It's especially applicable today. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." --Marilyn Monroe.

Trust no one but yourself. I used to be such an optimist. A hopeless romantic, idealist, and optimist. I'm quickly becoming a pessimistic realist. Which is ok, I mean it is what it is... But there's only so many times you can be disappointed in the world before optimism fades to jaded bitterness. I still want to hope, I still want to believe that people are basically good (thanks Anne Frank, I'm trying), but the dark and twisty side of me is putting up quite a battle. One of my favorite Grey's Anatomy moments is from the bomb episode of season two. Meredith is refusing to get out of bed, and is ranting to Christina. "...You never think the last time is the last time, you think there'll be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. Plus, my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I just ...I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the absence of hope I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." After this Christina kicks Meredith out of bed and tells her, "Whatever! Everybody has problems, now get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! MOVE, move move move!" (thanks Wikiquote, you're a great invention :) )

I don't have anyone to kick me out of bed and make me go to work every day. I do however have bills to pay, so I do it. But the point is, things change, people change, they disappoint you, the world is quite a disappointing place. No one's perfect, and eventually you learn to trust your heart and your deep dark secrets to no one but yourself. Don't put people on pedestals because you'll get hurt when they fall off. And they always fall off. So do you, so don't try to climb on any. So all I need now is a sign. A sign that things are going to change. That good things have fallen apart because better ones are falling together. I need a reason to cleave to the last shred of desire to hope for better things. It's out there somewhere. Right?

Alone

2010-08-20T01:57:00.003-07:00

Alone and lonely are not even close to the same things. A girl can feel lonely surrounded by millions of people. As anyone who's ever live in New York City can attest. A girl can also feel lonely surrounded by her friends. You can distract yourself from the loneliness by work or workouts or movies or tv or the internet or other activities. A girl needs her friends. A girl needs her girls. She needs them to sit with and to talk with and to help her through. It's true what they say on SaTC, it doesn't matter what you're going through or how long it takes you to make it through, you never get there without your friends. But eventually you are alone. Just you by yourself. Alone. And sometimes you're alone and lonely. But it is in these moments, when you're truly alone that you figure out what you're made of. You've been given the advice, the love, the encouragement, and the support that you need, and you need to be by yourself to figure out what you are and how you work. Alone and lonely is tough. But it doesn't last forever. And eventually when you're able to stand on your own, you're not lonely any more. Even if you are alone.

I'm Back!

2010-08-03T03:58:00.007-07:00

I really love vacation, and I really fell in love with the south. Among the things I discovered in North Carolina is a new (to me) band, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. They played one of the nights at the Bele Chere Festival, and I was hooked. So I came home and downloaded their album to my iTunes. Good stuff. You should really check it out. I went to visit an amazing friend of mine, Serena. I met Serena when we were both travel nurses in Seattle the first time I was here. We were both travel nurses again together last summer at the same hospital. I have since become permanent staff at Valley, and she has since moved home with her husband and step-daughter and has a new three-month old baby and is permanent staff at an ER in NC. We really are two of a kind, Serena and I. Very very very similar. We were raised almost identically. We think the same, we act the same, our mom's are alike, our dads are alike, even our past relationships are nearly identical. I have many great and amazing friends, and I love them all. They are all very wise and have many very wise pieces of advice and moments of insight, and I appreciate it more than they could know. This trip in particular though, I unlocked a key discovery from within myself. During a spur of the moment 2 hour road trip to Charlotte (long story involving multiple flight changes and cancellations) she helped me discover that I just needed to find myself. I have so lost myself in a sea of trying to be what others think I should be. And trying to be what I thought I needed to be to save and hold onto relationships with friends and more-than-friends. When the reality is that if I myself am not 'good enough' then so be it. I don't need you. So, I'm on a new mission. Operation find myself. I'm not sure how to do it or where the journey is going to take me, but I know that it will be somewhere amazing. It's amazing how instantly freed I felt when she said this one sentence. It was so simple and so true. I don't know who 'me' is anymore, but I'm going to figure it out. Ah, sweet freedom. Freedom from expectations of others who don't matter. I am who I am, and I might not know exactly who that is anymore, but I do know that I'm done worrying about what anyone else thinks about who I am.

So, Grace Potter. Was listening to the new album today on the way home, and took note of the lyrics to one of the songs, "Fooling Myself." "Maybe I feel like I'm fooling myself, either that or I'm fooling everyone else... Maybe it's hard just to let it all go, but it's goin' goin' gone right out my door." There it is. An amazing visit with an amazing friend. An amazing self discovery. It's good to be back :)

Currently on Constant Replay

2010-07-13T23:48:00.004-07:00

In my car, in my room, on my computer, this song is constantly blaring at top volume. It's essentially my life theme song for a moment.

Love The Way You Lie by Eminem feat Rihanna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

I can't tell you what it really is,
I can only tell you what it feels like.
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe.
I can't breathe but still I fight while I can fight.

As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from the hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint.
And I love it, the more that I suffer, the more I suffocate.

And right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she f*(&ing hates me
And I love it.

Wait, where you going
I'm leaving you
No you aint, come back.
We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cause when it's going good, it's going great.
I'm superman with the wind in his bag.
She's Lois Lane.

But when it's bad, it's awful.
I feel so ashamed. I snap.
Who's that dude, I don't even know his name.
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again.
I guess I don't know my own strength.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry.
But that's alright because I like the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

And the song continues, but I'm sure you get the jest. Love love love this song.

Reaffirmation

2010-07-12T22:39:00.004-07:00

Things I have learned this weekend:

1. Friendship is forever. And the best ones are there forever and always no matter what you say or do or how far apart you are.

2. I think I actually COULD handle having a baby... My apartrment however needs some work.

3. There is NO therapy like sunshine therapy.

4. Even after 2 years, watching the Yankees play is like being home.

5. I really like my days off. Like an unhealthy amount. I'm not sure what that means...

6. I miss living within walking distance to Pike Place.

7. I need to use the pool at my apt a lot more.

8. I'm not letting Danielle and family go home.

9. I'm going to miss my Mercy like crazy when she goes to school in New Orleans. I wouldn't let her leave either but a) I'm pretty sure they outlawed keeping Africans hostage in your house a few years ago. And b) I really want to visit New Orleans, and now I'll have my own tour guide :)

Let Freedom Ring

2010-07-03T22:47:00.005-07:00

Erma Bombeck once said, "You have to love a nation that celebrates it's Independence every July 4th, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but at picnics where kids throw frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die of happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it's patriotism." I love it, and it's so true. The 4th of July always has been and always will be my favorite holiday. It's when we celebrate what we are. And we don't do this with big shows of strength and military muscle on our own soil. Our service men and women are busy fighting at home and abroad to keep our freedoms and ensure the cause of liberty. They do so not with a big show, pomp and circumstance, but every day. Fourth of July or not. I have two dear friends who have served several tours of duty in Iraq with the Marines, and now a friend near and dear to me is preparing to do so as a Ranger in the Army. I know this side of them. The side of them that loves to boat and play ball and joke with friends. The side that throws one heck of a summer barbecue. The side that loves life and laughter. And I've seen glimpses into the sides of them that have gotten blown up in caravans. Seen glimpses into the side of them that has held brothers as they lay fallen in sacrifice for what we take advantage of every day.

One of my favorite 4th of July moments on film is in the movie The Sandlot. When they're all our playing a game of street ball and they all stop to admire the fireworks in the sky while Ray Charles sings about purple mountain's majesty. It brings me to nostalgic tears. Every time. In the words of Rodney Atkins, "It's a high school prom, it's a Springstein song, it's a ride in a Chevrolet. It's a man on the moon, fireflies in June, and kids sellin' lemonade. It's cities and farms, it's open arms, One Nation Under God, it's America." That's why we celebrate with family picnics where kids trow frisbees and have watermelon seed spitting contests. That's why we celebrate with baseball games and fireworks and family friends and loved ones. Because that's what we fight for. That's who we are. We are beautiful spacious skies, we are amber waves of grain, we are purple mountain majesty. We are America. America is families and friends playing and enjoying the sunshine and warm summer nights. That is the heart and soul of what we are and it's why so many now and before us have shed blood sweat and tears. Thank you for those that have gone before and sacrificed so much, that we can have what we take advantage of today. You are not forgotten. You are loved.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from John Fitzgerald Kennedy. "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty."

Behold the Power of Cheese

2010-06-29T08:33:00.003-07:00

...and by cheese, I mean food. Seriously. What is it? Usually when I am in any kind of emotional turmoil (anxiety, nervousness, sad, upset, yada yada) I loose all appetite and don't eat for weeks at a time. But for some apparent reason (I'm gonna blame hormones, because that's what I blame everything unknown on) for the last three months I've been eating everything in sight. I get upset and cry then I make a pie so I can eat it. I ate a whole pie in three days. I went through an entire package of double stuff oreos (that I went on a 0200 emergency grocery store trip to buy) in 3 hours. With peanut butter on top. That's just the kind of last few months I've had. For some reason my body decided to go backwards from normal and I have become an emotional eater. My hips and my now slightly snug clothing realize this is a bad idea, and I realize that it's not the greatest coping mechanism, but it is what it is.

So for the last week I've put myself back on a diet. The thing is, excuse my french, I become a homicidal bitch if I haven't eaten all day. Seriously. I hate people (everyone) and my life and my job and ...well, everything. I realized this at work the other day when I was having a terrible day for no apparent reason. I wanted to stab people in the eyeballs (don't lie, we've all been there) and everything just irritated me! Luckily, my roommate took subconscious pity on my poor coworkers when she surprised me at work with real food. Moral of the story, it's not worth my mental health to starve myself. Running: great. Dieting: not so much. So I'll just have to strive harder to not make the key lime pie and eat the entire thing in three days time. No more midnight runs to get double stuff oreos that I can coat in delicious peanut butter and put myself in a food induced happy state. Just eating like normal and exercising. Sigh. But I might not kill anyone intentionally this way ;)

Filter Free

2010-06-14T05:38:00.005-07:00

So, here's the thing about exhaustion. It zaps you of the energy that you have to lie. The energy that you have to fake it, to pretend, and to act. It forces you to be much more honest. When you're physically exhausted you don't have the ability to pretend like you are emotionally detatched. Or that you have any sentimentality at all over other things. Case in point: I have chosen to hang out with my friends and celebrate their achievements over the past couple days over sleeping. As a result I've slept about 5 hours of the last 48. So on the way to work today when I was completely physically exhausted, I found myself getting teary and worked up about a couple different things. Things that on a proper amount of sleep, I have the full capacity to shove down inside and 'deal with them rationally.' I also had lost the ability to appear as though I cared for people. Because the honest truth is, if you're not sick, I really don't give a tiny rats a*s whether you stay to see the doctor or not. In fact I'd rather you didn't. And let's remember, my definition of sick and your definition of sick are different. And emergencies don't wait. I also don't have the ability to act as though your 200lb obnoxious 10 year old is cute. I have no ability to pretend as though I had the patience to deal with your non sick child. I have no ability to act like the two babies that were delivered in the ER last night were sweet and special and happy and cute occurrences. They're not. Nor do I care to pretend that I didn't wish that a few of our staff would be so inspired by how 'cute' it all was that they would realize their true calling is labor and delivery. I did come to an interesting realization however. My hatred for all Boston athletic teams is outdone by my hatred for Kobe Bryant and the Lakers. Therefore I don't feel bad that I am cheering for the Celtics to win. I actually hope they slaughter the Lakers. Huh. Who would have thought :)

My Girls

2010-06-10T05:28:00.005-07:00

Last night I was driving to work when Shania Twain's 'Any Man Of Mine' came on the radio. I literally laughed out loud. And of course I totally rocked out to the song. I had flashbacks to oh-so-many nursing school road trips with my best nursing school gals karaoke-ing away to Shania and Christina Aguillara and Billy Currington. Oh, Billy. So this is a quick shout out to my best nsg school friends (and still among my best of friends today). Together we survived the worst hell possible. We made it through all the wondering if we were ever going to actually get our heads above water, all the marathon study sessions in the library, the bachelor parties, the road trips, and a few bathroom incidents... ;) Love you girls! Together we learned how to be the amazing nurses that we are today ...6 years later. (Wow, we're getting old ;) ) (I couldn't find any pictures of us IN nsg school on my computer, so the first one is the year after we graduated... the second one was 5 years later -- last fall at Melissa's wedding)

Lucky Girl

2010-06-08T04:00:00.004-07:00

So last night at work I had a room assignment with actual patients, as opposed to being the clinical resource nurse or triage nurse. A welcome change. My room assignment happened to be in the 'psych' patient area. Always an adventure. So over the course of an hour I had a patient who was crazy (not drunk, just crazy) tell me that as soon as he finished prosecuting his father who was the head of the KKK that he was going to save his money and come back to take me to dinner. As lead prosecutor and supreme court justice I figure he'll have his hands full for a while. He also said that he was going to remember my name so he could find my phone number. (moment of gratitude for only having first names on name tags). Then my patient who was crazy and drunk told me that I was a beautiful woman and that she would do what I said because I had a big d*ck. THEN my patient that was drunk (not crazy, just drunk) stopped mid "seizure" and says, "HOLD ON!!!" I stare at him with the same expression I had while waiting out his "seizure" ...blank boredom ...and he looks at me and says, "Do you have babies?" I said no, and he said, "Well why not?! You're too gorgeous to not have babies! I'll help if you want. You need to have girls. Probably two, but at least one. You should name her Sarah." I am a lucky lucky girl :)

Happiness

2010-06-06T01:05:00.006-07:00

Things I love about Seattle today: Cute little corner coffee shops. Amazing people. Quaint old used book stores. This weekend I met my 'mentee' from work for coffee and cupcakes. By mentee, I mean newly graduated nurse that I'm assigned to 'mentor' --who I already consider a good friend. And now we have an extra excuse to hang out outside of work. So we went to Cupcake Royale --home of the greatest cupcakes in the world. I had the 'Dance Party' cupcake, along with a delicious non-fat chai latte. We ate and talked and laughed and then went for a walk on California Ave in West Seattle. It's the greatest cutest little hippie neighborhood, and I love it. Turns out, something I didn't know about my mentee was that she shares my love for books. She took me to a little used book store that was amazing and I found these:

Which I also love! Vintage nursing items. I figure from these books I'll learn how to be a good 50s housewife nurse who doesn't talk back, and instead I'll learn to say things like, "Yes, doctor" and, "Here you go sir." Lol! In all seriousness though, I found these four books which were all written in the 50's about nurses, and I couldn't not get them! Can't wait to delve in! So this weekend, corner coffee shops, good friends, used book stores, and vintage nursing memorabilia make me happy :) And if you're ever in the greater Seattle area, check out the link below!

Zen

2010-06-03T05:35:00.005-07:00

I can only think of two ways I could possibly be more relaxed right now, and one of them involves a 2 1/2 hour heated shea butter massage. Mmmm... anyway ...I just finished my sixth shift in a row. Tuesday night was complete hell, and last night just flat out kicked my butt. It's been a while since I've been able to honestly say that I did not sit down -even to chart or pee- for ten hours. But, it's over now. And I'm in heaven thanks to a 35 minute shower where I kept the water so hot my skin was pink and shaving creamed and deep conditioned and exfoliated and lotioned and let all my stress and cares wash right down the shower drain with the shampoo suds. Ah, showers. I love them. I also love new clothes and shoes and days off and friend's birthday parties and cupcakes and bed. Always bed. Foremost bed. My lavender and chamomile oasis with 1,000 thread count sheet covered heavenly bed. And all of these things are in my immediate future. Life is good today :)

Also...

2010-05-27T21:56:00.004-07:00

It is what it is. Love isn't a cure-all. It is the most spectacular splendor, and therefore can also be the most exquisite pain. You can be a pessimist, an idealist, an optimist, or a realist, but no matter which way you slice it you have to keep taking chances. Sometimes when you scratch an itch it goes away ...and sometimes it just gets ...itchier. No one is perfect. Men, Women, not a single one of us. You have to swallow the bad with the good and decide what you can live with. You're not going to get great rewards without great risks. Allow yourself to be molded and shaped. It's painful at times but worth it. It's how we grow. At the same time, never loose sight of who or what you are. Keep taking chances and eventually you'll take the house.

SaTC Experiment

2010-05-27T04:26:00.006-07:00

Great therapy. Sex and the City is great therapy for single gals. It reminds us that being young and single is sexy and wonderful and amazing and adventurous and that heartache happens but the next douche-bag is just right around the corner. I had caught an episode here or there on tv reruns, but a while back I watched one that really grabbed me. It was titled 'A Woman's Right to Shoes.' In this episode one of the girls that the 4 used to hang out with is having a baby shower for her third pregnancy. Long story short, Carrie has her $825 shoes stolen from the party when they had to take them off before coming into the apartment. Her friend tells her that she shouldn't have to pay for them because it's not her fault that Carrie spent so much on something so insignificant, and she shouldn't have to pay for Carrie's self-indulgent lifestyle. As the show goes on, Carrie realizes (and tells her friend) that she's spent thousands of dollars celebrating this friends decisions. Celebrating the decisions with wedding presents and presents for all three of the children. She then realizes that after graduation there is not a single occasion to celebrate the single person. Not one. So she sends her friend an announcement that she is marrying herself and is registered at Manolo Blahnik. She registered for one item, her shoes. Her friend ends up buying them, and at the end of the episode Carrie says that it's hard to walk in a single gal's shoes. That's why we have to wear fabulous ones, to make the journey more exciting.

I decided that I needed more of this in my life. So on a retail therapy trip to Target, I bought all six seasons of Sex and the City on DVD (and a bluray player and hdmi cable ...but that's beside the point...). I started with episode one of season one and found quickly that it was a good idea to keep a pen and paper handy for all the amazing things I was relating to. There's not much else need to explain. Here's my favorites. Those of you who will get it will just get it, and those of you who don't won't and that's fine by me. Quotes are narration or dialog by Carrie unless noted otherwise.

"I didn't understand. Did all men secretly want their women promiscuous and emotionally detached? And if I was really having sex like a man, why didn't I feel like I had more control?"

"I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 and realized I no longer had the energy to be completely superficial."

"The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him, but isn't delayed gratification the meaning of maturity?"

"I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I will always think of him fondly. As an asshole."

"Was secret sex the ultimate form of intimacy since it existed in a pure state, exempt from the judgement of the world? Or is it just another way in which we deny our feelings and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?"

Samantha: "Just be cool. You don't care. Then he'll wonder why you don't which will make him realize he does and then it's a whole new ballgame."
Miranda: "So, in your world it's always 6th grade?"
Charlotte: "I think a relationship has to be built on honesty and communication to succeed."
Samantha: "Ok, if you were 25 that would be adorable, but you're 32 now, so that's just stupid."

"Puberty is a phase, 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle." Stanford Blatch

"Let's be honest. Sometimes there's nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you. The baby shower."

"It's very strange when the life you never had flashes before your eyes."

"It takes half the time you went out with someone to get over them. You can't push yourself into feeling good. The only way to get over somebody is to feel really bad, cry to your girlfriends, and to replay what you hated about him over and over in your head all day." Charlotte

"I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain."

"We're so over we need a new word for over."

Carries 5 breakup rules:
1. Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look happy.
2. Lie. It's a lot easier than admitting that's why you invited the new Yankee to the party and why you maxed out your credit card to buy the dress.
3. Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.
4. Never stop thinking about him. Even for a moment. Because that's the moment he'll appear.
5. No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

"If New York's signature food is the apple, the signature sound is the siren. But what about the injuries that don't get a siren. Whether you're falling in a hole in the street or falling back in love ...just how dangerous is a broken heart?"

Amazing, no? Now, I must admit that I did see the SaTC movie before I watched the series. Kind of like watching the movie before reading the book. It leaves you misguided and there's always something critical that is left out. Like all girls in the movie (and I thought who had seen the show as well), I was kind of endeared to Big. Who wouldn't be endeared to someone who bought you a bazillion dollar home on 5th ave --and built you your own palatial closet to boot. He did have his big freak out asshole moment when he panicked and didn't drove past instead of stopping to go to his wedding, but he was coming back for her... But every guy in every movie has a moment like that. Besides, I had heard the buzz about him when the series was on air, I figured that he was a big deal (no pun intended) and that he and Carrie were destined to be together. Like romeo and Juliet. So when the movie ended and all was happy, I was happy. No matter how much it pains me to admit it, I am a hopeless romantic.

What I didn't get from the movie that I realized watching each episode was that Big is a giant asshole. He treated her like crap repeatedly and kept stringing her along and kept coming back and being an asshole all over again. He broke her heart a couple times, and she found someone amazing. Aiden. I love Aiden. I can't wait to find my Aiden. And when I find him I won't let a married-to-someone-else Big ruin it. When my Aiden proposes to me and I say yes, I won't end up having an affair with my ex-Big who is still married to someone else. And should my Aiden find out about the affair and forgive me and still love me anyways, I will keep him forever. I will not be swayed when my ex-asshole Big gets jealous and possessive even though he's married to someone else who he won't leave. I will keep my Aiden over Big because Aiden is what every girl needs, and Big is what is out there. He makes Carrie feel insignificant and inconsequential and never good enough. Unfortunately Aiden's have gone extinct in real life. The one's that are there are blissfully married as they should be. So back to Big. For six years he was a complete douche bag with intermittent periods of actual gentlemanly behavior. All assholes have to have some redeeming moments, it's what hooks you. Holding on to those fleeting moments.

But the show was still amazing therapy. As I said before, I related completely. And it was fun to realize that I was part of all 4 characters, not just Charlotte as I thought after seeing the movie. And it was fun to realize that each of your friends is more like one of the ladies than the other three. And that somehow when you put all your friends together you end up with an even balance of all 4 characters.

The show reminded me how much I am in love with New York City. Still. That place gets inside you and becomes part of who and what you are.

And as amazing as it was, I was quite disappointed in the ending. And yet I wasn't at the same time. The hopeless romantic in me (the part created by Disney and fairytales and believing that true love conquers all when I was a little girl) was glad that she ended up with Big. The ending was dramatic and romantic and seemed fitting. And I obviously saw it coming since I had seen the movie.

But like everything else that's not reality, it ended in happily ever after. My single girl power gritty real life success therapy ended with the cold hard fact that apparently if you put up with the asshole for 6 years he will turn into a prince who's everything you ever imagined. It's a modern day fairytale come true. It's the same shit we were force fed when we were little (ok, not just when we were little, I still love Disney movies ...I watched sleeping beauty just the other day). Like in beauty and the beast ...if you stick around long enough and put up with someone holding you captive and dictating what you wear and eat and your daily activities, he will turn into a prince. The difference is this one was marketed for adults. Jaded adults even.

Which reminds me. McDreamy. The wonderful beautiful perfect McDreamy. The man that my friends and I have often pondered doesn't exist in reality. I had a moment as I was watching the beginning of season two on DVD the other day. Let's re-examine this. McDreamy does exist. He's beautiful, he has amazing hair and that McDreamy look (think elevator) that makes your knees crumble and your insides turn to mush. That makes everything he suggests sound amazing and incredible. But he also started an affair with you --painting pictures of lasting futures and homes and families-- neglecting to tell you that he is already married. Then he doesn't apologize for not telling you. Then he doesn't sign the divorce papers because he can't give up his life (wife) in "one day." Then after he rejects you he continues to give you the McDreamy look at work, and be there for you in obnoxious ways and continually break your heart and drive you crazy. He hugs you when you're hysterical over yous sick mother. He holds you silently in the closet when you need a moment not alone. You date someone else and he flies of the handle with jealousy ...while still married to his wife. But if you can endure enough of his wanting his cake and eating it too, eventually his wife will move to LA and he will be McDreamily yours forever.

What I'm getting out of all this is that Prince Charming does still exist. McDreamy does in fact exist. You just have to put up with all the crap first. So if I endure all the pain and misery and tears and heartache and wistful longing and being treated like a discard-able possession long enough, the asshole will turn into a prince. Perfect.

This post kind of turned into a pot of Gumbo. I'm not technically sure what Gumbo is, but in my brain it's like a big potluck soup. A little of everything all mixed together. I have a roommate who is moving to Louisiana to go to Tulane for grad school, so I'm sure soon enough I'll find out what actual Gumbo is. Then again, this is my temporary roommate who told me the other day, "I keep thinking that you should be from Boston. I mean, I have to remind myself that it's NY where you lived, because it just seems like you should be from Boston. I don't know what it is." So we'll see what comes of that :) But that's what came of my SaTC experiment. And now I have a lot of books I need to re-read. He's Just Not That Into You (inspired by a SaTC writer btw), If The Buddha Dated, Act like a Woman, Think like a Man ...the list goes on. Books based in reality. Pay no attention to the movie he's just not that into you. It ends with a Hollywood ending that completely undoes any good done by the book. Now, off to bed and then to read some books... And the second SaTC movie comes out tomorrow... :)

The best of all days

2010-05-25T16:15:00.004-07:00

Has got to be hair day!!! I heart getting my hair done!!!

And that is some pretty fabulous hair if I do say so myself :) ...Hair and now work win today, other story coming later still...

Bed Wins

2010-05-24T04:14:00.004-07:00

I have been formulating a post all day involving conflict and Big and friendship and New York City and fairytales and Boston and Gumbo and McDreamy ...And now I'm pooped. And my bed wins. So maybe sometime later.

Someday Soon

2010-05-18T06:57:00.006-07:00

I will have a very cute nephew and I will take pictures of him that look like this because it is the cutest thing ever. (photo by simply be photography: https://simplybephoto.com/wordpress)

Conversation...

2010-05-16T11:38:00.004-07:00

...last night at work:

RN: "Where are your pants?"

Pt: "Where are YOUR pants?"

RN: "I'm wearing them, seriously, where are your pants?"

Pt: "You don't have to wear pants in the ER"

RN "Yes, you do, here are some paper scrubs, put those on."

Pt: "No, those are too tight on my belly, just give me a gown"

I love my job.

Tonight...

2010-05-13T21:59:00.006-07:00

Tonight's food for thought brought to you by the thought inspiring writers of Grey's Anatomy:

"Ask most people what they want out of life, and the answer is simple. To be happy. Maybe it's this expectation, the wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us. It's been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar."

Is it the fear of the unknown? The fear that nothing better will come along, that we've already been as happy as it's possible to be? Is it searching for something better and the yearning and hoping for the happiness --that is supposed to be the journey, not the destination-- what keeps us from actualizing our dreams? The hopes and dreams of a better fantasy life that blocks our sights of what the happiness actually is? Thoughts anyone?

Last night...

2010-05-03T08:00:00.004-07:00

...I assisted on a pelvic exam where a surprise foreign body was found. The PA-C placed the foreign body on the exam table covered in copious amounts of foul smelling green and yellow pus. The patient looked at it, the PA and I looked at each other trying to hold in our giggles. The patient says to the PA, "WHAT is that?!" To which the PA replied, "You tell me." The patient looked at the purulent slimy coated foreign body and said, "Oh my gosh! I haven't seen that for months!!" It wasn't a tampon.

I found a used condom --not of the medical kind while cleaning a room that a patient had just been discharged from.

I saw a very elaborate and detailed --and very large --phallic drawing, in pen, covering a patient's entire back.

I had a patient with such a massive intercerebellar bleed that her tonsills were herniating down her throat.

I had a patient that we diagnosed with a giant left temporal mass. She became went from a completely independent active life to completely non-verbal in 2 hours.

I took care of a 8 month old in severe respiratory distress, and several other patients in between.

And this was all in the last 8 hours of my shift. I spent the first 6 hours in triage hating people for not understanding that Emergency Rooms are for LIFE THREATENING emergencies. And now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

What's in your purse?

2010-04-23T22:03:00.007-07:00

So I saw this on My friend Jill's blog. Apparently someone named Stacy Julian challenged people to dump the contents of their purses and take pictures and blog about it. I thought it was cute, but I didn't (don't) know who Stacy is, and quite frankly, I just couldn't see myself doing it. Then today I went to Target. It was payday and I had been needing a long list of routine items for a while. It was rainy today ...weird in Seattle, I know. But I jetted down the street to Target and got a front row parking spot ...in the rain. Score! I ran in and got my cart full of items. I walked straight up to the check out counter. The only one without a line. Score! Again... Anyways... Unloaded my cart onto the counter, and reached in my purse to get my debit card.

This is the point that I remember that my wallet is sitting on the floor next to my bed where I had been paying some bills when I got home from work. My wallet containing my debit card, my checkbook, cash, change, and all my credit cards. Pretty much all my forms of currency. So I look at the lady with my mouth gaping open in shock and embarrassment and say "Oh, shi-oot." She paused before scanning my first item, and asked what was wrong. I told her what I did, and to my surprise she said that there was a place to keep all the items in my cart until I could come back. They have a place for that. People do this that often? I'm one of those people? Ugh. So she helped me put everything back in my cart and showed me where the 'carts-in-waiting' spot was. I drove the 5 minutes home, grabbed my wallet, placed it rightfully in my purse and went back. I collected my filled cart from the cart babysitting section. The worker in charge of the area said that she remembered which one was mine because of my cute purse that was on my shoulder. Great. My purse is cute. Super cute actually. If only I had remembered to put my wallet in it. So without further delay ...here's what was in my purse today:

The only other thing that was in my purse was my camera. Not pictured for obvious reasons. We've got my super cute bag ...my Easter present from my cute mommy, my sunglasses, my iPod (mostly used to avoid talking to people on airplanes), a bottle of eye re-wetting drops (again, used mostly to re-wet my contacts after long naps on airplanes), a pen from the hotel I stayed at last time I was in Vegas, a bottle of baby lotion I stole from work because my hands get so incredibly dry washing them 3,546 times a day, my Burt's Bees chapstick (the only kind I'll use), and varying flavors scents colors and sheens of lip gloss (because yes, Jill, girls lips do look better in pictures when they're shiny, and also, quite frankly, kissing is more fun with it ...and it makes you more memorable --the whole using all the senses thing...)

And this is everything (except camera again) that should have been in my purse today. My cute wallet included. My cute wallet carrying my debit card, Yankee mastercard, discovercard, VS Angel card, safeway card, duane reade card, my Black Book card, you're getting the point. A wide variety of cards and business cards and a bit 'o cash and change, and two tickets to the Allstar Minor League football game in Vegas that some running back gave me when I was in Vegas ...didn't end up going -clearly, since the tickets are still in my wallet. I also have a couple old Yankee tickets in my wallet, just for sentimentality :) And oh, my goodness, my cell phone!! My cell phone is at my side 24-7, so if I'm out and about I'd have that with me as well. That I would never leave by my bed.

I have a problem.

2010-04-20T03:32:00.003-07:00

Today I spent just over $275 ordering around 3,000 pictures that cover a span of 13 weeks of my life. I have a problem. A picture taking problem. And when the prints arrive at my house I will be spending countless more dollars on the scrapbooks and supplies to turn those photos into priceless memory filled books. It will all be worth it, and I will do this many times over, but I still found it funny that I spent that much printing photos to cover a mere 13 weeks of my life.

See, I'm a little behind on my scrapbooking. The last time I printed photos they were of my first time living in New York. I told myself that I couldn't print anymore until I had those ones all scrapbooked. So I haven't. And the first time I lived in New York was the summer/fall of 2007. Just recently I made a power push to get caught up and scrapbooked the entire time in 3 weeks. So now I'm on to my California adventures. Which I am SO excited to get to!!!! After that is my road trip up the PCH. I decided to make a photobook of this road trip rather than printing more photos. I figured the road trip was like a story, so a book was appropriate. Besides I would get entirely too bored of scrapbooking nothing but scenery pictures. So in addition to ordering all my Cali pics, I also put together and ordered a custom made 78 page book covering the 4 day trip. I am so excited to get it and see it and look at it that I may not be able to sleep tonight! Thank you shutterfly for indulging my picture taking problem :)

Here's a link to see the online version of the book: click here :)

DC adventures in Cherry Blossoms

2010-04-15T14:44:00.004-07:00

Last time I went to DC I joked that it was an experiment in how many National Parks you could see in three days. We ran and ran and ran for three straight days, and still somehow didn't get it all done. This time was the spring time edition of that same experiment. We went in the spring which was equally as beautiful as the fall, and with the exception of the Holocaust Museum did all different things from last time. We were there for 5 days, and there are still things that I need to do next time since we STILL didn't get to. I am seriously in love with Washington DC. It is beautiful and clean and filled with thousands of cute quaint little neighborhoods. There is tons to do, and with the exception of food and souvenirs, everything is free. It's a fabulous place. It's funny how the more I travel and the more things I cross off my list of things to do before I die, the more things I add to it. For example, this trip I discovered that before I die I will need to live on Fairfax Street in Alexandria, VA. I have well over 200 pictures from the trip and am not going to bother trying to post them all ...so check out my facebook (those of you who have access :) ) Otherwise, here are the highlights:

Life... Today...

2010-04-07T08:06:00.001-07:00

Just got home from work. Leave for DC in less than 24 hours. Exhausted. Going back to work in 9 hours. Still need to unpack from Vegas. Still need to pack for DC. Still need to do mucho laundry. Going to bed now :)

Aggie Essentials

2010-03-22T21:12:00.004-07:00

Ah, Aggie road trips. How many of these have there been now? I have lost count. But they are always filled with great memories and a few staples. It's been a few years since my college days, but once an Aggie always an Aggie. It's like riding a bike. So when my former roommate Jill decided to fly into Seattle to drive to Spokane with me to the NCAA basketball tournament, I started to prepare myself. We had a great time supporting our Aggies this trip. As we do always. And the essentials were all there :) So I present to you in photographic fashion, the Aggie Road trip Essentials: